Author's Note: Thanks to my faithful crew, Tonnie, Snoozie and LenniGeorge. You guys rock! I hope you all enjoy the story! As ever, I do not own Criminal Minds!
Mothers are a Nightmare
She was here! The bane of her existence was here! In D.C.! At Quantico! And there was nowhere to hide, JJ thought, looking around the BAU bullpen. Eyes drifting upward, JJ's eyes alit on David Rossi's darkened office. He'd never mind, she told herself. This was an emergency, she thought, quickly climbing the short flight of stairs leading to the older profiler's office.
Opening the door, she quickly moved inside and closed the door. Not turning on the lights lest she give away her location, she moved quickly to the big leather chair behind his desk and allowed herself to be comforted by the lingering smell of David's cologne. That man always smelled good enough to eat. Now, if she knew anything about David Rossi at all, she knew that man had a bottle of scotch hidden away in this office somewhere. Now, all she had to do was find the little bugger.
Five minutes later with a victorious, softly shouted "Ah-Ha!", she twisted the metal cap of the twenty year old malt beverage and lifted the full amber bottle to her lips for a healthy swig. Feeling the burgundy liquid blaze a fiery trail down her throat, JJ sighed and leaned back in the chair. She was going to need this liquid courage. David would just have to understand that these were desperate times. Her mother was here and may God have mercy on her soul, the uniquely individual woman was on a mission.
Jennifer Jareau loved her mother. Truly she did. From a great distance. A very, very far distance. But there was no distance now! She was here, damn it! And where Emma Smith, Dinozzo, Jareau, Conrad, Peterson Wainwright was trouble inevitably followed. The five times married beauty blazed a path of destruction through whatever obstacles stood in her way. She'd learned that the last time her mother had paid a visit to her sanctuary, otherwise known as the BAU offices. The fallout from that visit was still only talked about in hushed tones. She'd ticked off Elle Greenway to the point of physical violence with her "helpful" comments on the application of makeup, sent Gideon into apopoleptic fits when she'd redesigned his office in a way that best suited his aura. She'd shocked Reid by telling him that those random facts he spouted made her horny. She sent Hotch screaming from the building when she'd walked into his office and informed his that he kept their fourth floor abode much too hot and preceded to strip out of her clothes. And, last but certainly not least, she'd talked Morgan into taking her out for a drink after work and gotten him drunk. And then she'd screwed her co-worker!
And, now, she was back! Four years later, her mother was back to, may the saints and angels have pity on her, find her only daughter a husband. But she didn't have time for this, she had to spread the word. Because once her mother finished torturing her, she'd be on to her next victim. Dialing her half-brothers cell phone number, JJ heard it go to voice mail. This was not the kind of news you left in a message, JJ thought, hanging up the phone. Oh no, this required a personal touch. Tony would just have to wait for the bad news. She'd tried.
It wasn't that their mother was a bad person. She wasn't. She was just an unapologetic hell raiser. Always looking for Mr. Right - after having found Mr. Wrong five times. Her half-brother, Tony Dinozzo was more like her than anyone…always the man up for a good time…always looking for that special lady, but having no problem sampling all the not-so-special ones along the way. She on the other hand, was a commitiphobe. Firmly deciding long ago that she would not slip a ring on her finger until she was absolutely convinced it was for as long as forever lasted. After watching her mother breeze from one marriage to the next with the same speed as most people changed vehicles, JJ had come to the conclusion that she was her mother's complete antithesis. Where Emma was free spirited, her daughter was extremely careful. Where Emma was supremely outspoken, her daughter chose each word she spoke with caution. Where Emma sought to draw attention to herself by word and action, her daughter preferred to maintain a poised, serene façade. They were night and day. And now Emma wanted to create a freaking eclipse!
Sighing, JJ took several more pulls from the bottle in her hand and leaned her head back against the dark leather chair. Closing her eyes, she thought of the owner of the office she currently occupied. She and David had been seeing each other for six months. They'd been extremely secretive and no one, save her half-brother was even aware of the developing relationship. They'd started slowly, having after dinner drinks when they were on a case. Then they'd moved on to intimate dinners after work, getting to know each other. JJ had been extremely hesitant to allow him a role in her son's life, but three months in to their relationship, she'd relented. And, it had been the best thing that had ever happened to her Henry. He thrived under the gentle attention of the legendary profiler. David, for his part, was thrilled to finally be able to play a role in the child's life and seemingly had fallen quickly in love with the little boy. A mere month ago, she'd finally been able to take the final step, allowing David Rossi into her bed. And, he hadn't left since. He'd told her he loved her and she believed him. Lately, as they crawled into her bed together at night, he'd begun to press her about letting the rest of the world in on their secret. So far, she'd managed to dissuade him. But…there were times…particularly now…when she almost could think that was a good idea. Especially with an insane mother on the loose. Being in an established relationship might slow the woman down…but, she doubted it. Emma had made up her mind. Her daughter needed a husband.
With those thoughts in mind, JJ lifted the bottle for another healthy swallow as she heard the door open.
Seeing that the person entering wouldn't blow her cover, she smiled. "Hello, Dave!" she said happily, raising the bottle to him in greeting.
David Rossi's eyes widened as he took in the sight in front of him. Jennifer Anne Jareau was sprawled in his over-sized leather office chair, pony tail askew and shirt wrinkled. High heels discarded, kicked haphazardly across the room, she had her bare little fee propped on his desk, clutching his twenty year old bottle of scotch like a lifeline.
Closing the door behind him quickly, David slowly said, "Hey, honey. Something going on here?"
"My mother's here," she whispered, pressing a finger to her lips in a universal "keep it quiet" gesture. "I'm in hiding. And your office is the one place she may just not find me," she giggled.
"How much of that bottle have you drank, babe?" David asked, walking slowly toward her.
"Don't know…but it's some good stuff," she complimented him.
Looking at the bottle in her hand as he came to stand over her, he bit back a grin. "Sweetheart, there was a full bottle left in there the last time I looked. Now, it's half gone, honey."
"I told you it was good," she said belligerently.
"Honey, hand over the bottle," he ordered, holding out his hand.
"NO! Mine!" she said, clutching the bottle closer to her. "I'm gonna need this, Dave. She's baaaacccckkkk!" JJ sang.
Fighting the laugh that wanted so badly to come out at her antics, David asked, "Okay, babe, tell me why your mother being here is a bad thing."
"We only speak of it in whispers," she said dramatically.
"Then whisper, sweetheart. Now," David commanded, kneeling beside his chair.
"She's on a mission," JJ said in a hushed tone.
"A mission, huh? And what might that mission be, angel?" David asked, pushing the hair out of her eyes.
"The five times married Emma Smith, Dinozzo, Jareau, Conrad, Peterson Wainwright has decided in her infinite wisdom that it is time for her only daughter to be joined with another in nuptial bliss," JJ said, blowing out a long breath. "You have no idea how bad this is going to be," JJ whispered.
Realizing the problem, David told her softly, "It's gonna be okay, Jen."
"Nope, sorry, it won't! You've never met my sainted mother, David. She's made marriage into an art form. Christ, she's done it more than you! You, compared to her, are an amateur. She's…she's…."
"She's what, honey?" Dave asked, watching her cheeks flush that becoming shade of pink he loved so much.
"She's a cross between that mother from Harper Valley PTA and Roseanne. Every once in a while, she'll throw in a little June Cleaver - just to keep things interesting…but mostly she's just NUTS! And unstoppable…" JJ said frantically, clutching at the lapels of his suit coat.
Covering her tiny hands with his own, David soothed, "We'll handle her, Jen."
"No, no, David, nobody "handles" Emma! She annihilates anything that gets in her way…she's the complete opposite of me….she doesn't figure out a way around obstacles, honey. She barrels right through them. There is no filter from her brain to her mouth…it's….you're….oh God, it's my mother!"
"JJ, babe, you're getting hysterical," David said carefully.
"Gee! Ya think!" JJ yelled, clapping a hand over her mouth as she realized that she might have given away her location.
"Where is she now, JJ?" David asked, removing her hand from her mouth.
"Don't know," JJ whispered, raising the bottle to her lips for another fortifying swallow. "I lost her in Garcia's office. Garcia LOVES her. I always knew that woman was certifiable!"
"Okay, so she's still in the building?" David asked, reaching for the bottle again.
"Mine!" JJ said, slapping his hand. "And, yeah, unless she went to terrorize Tony over at NCIS. God, I hope she went to terrorize Tony," JJ said yearningly.
"That's not nice, baby," David chastised her.
"You don't know the kind of chaos she left behind the last time she was here. No one got out unscathed. Christ, Dave, Morgan SLEPT with her!"
Momentarily thrown for a loop, David gaped. "You're kidding!?"
Glaring heavily at him, she pointed to her face. "Does this LOOK like the face of someone that's joking, Agent Rossi?"
Recovering, David took her hand. "It'll be better this time. This time you've got me on your side."
"Great! She'll probably try to screw you, too, this time. God knows, she's tried it with every other male member of this team. Although, to my knowledge, Morgan was the only unfortunate victim. She got HIM drunk! You aren't allowed to be alone with my mother!"
"I assure you, baby, you are the only woman I intend to ever "screw" again," David told her gently.
"Awww, that's sweet, honey," she said, lifting the bottle to her lips again. "You STILL aren't allowed to be alone with her," JJ insisted firmly.
"As you wish, babe," David said, smiling at her.
"What I wish is that I were on an island somewhere sipping a nice fruity mixed drink instead of hiding in your office with a twenty year old bottle of scotch," JJ said with a bite in her voice.
"I can make that happen, too, Jennifer," Rossi said deeply, making another grab at the bottle in her hand.
Jerking it back, JJ fixated her lover with a steady glare. "Touch it again and you draw back a nub, old man! And I'm not talking about your hand either!"
Biting his lip to keep from laughing, Rossi replied, "Now, honey, you know you'd miss that particular appendage."
"Not as much as you'd miss using it with me," she replied tartly.
"This is true," he conceded.
There conversation was interrupted as David's office door quickly opened and slammed shut again.
"You little traitor! You sent her for me!" Tony Dinozzo hissed. "You are soooo lucky I didn't come in this building screaming you two's little secret at the top of my manly lungs!" he said, pointing an accusing finger at both of them.
"Dear God, where IS she, Tony?" JJ said, leaning forward in the chair.
"When I lost her, she was heading in Hotch's direction. The poor bastard. The look in his eyes when he saw her," Tony said shaking his head sadly. "I almost feel sorry for him. Not enough to help, him…but still sorry," said Tony with a toss of his head.
"Oh Jesus, that means she's not going to be far behind you!" JJ said, looking around the room for an escape route.
"Honey, there's only one way out and it's straight past Hotch's office," Dave reminded her.
"Shit!" JJ softly yelled, taking another hit from the quickly dwindling bottle.
"Hey! You've got something to numb this experience! Gimme!" said Tony, reaching for the bottle.
Clutching the bottle between her breasts, she leveled her brother with a deadly stare, grinding out, "Touch it and die, Dinozzo!"
"Damn, sis! When did you get so stingy?" Tony asked with mock hurt.
"Since I can't find his," she said with a jerk of her head toward Rossi, "other bottle. Where is it, David?"
"Not telling. You've had enough," David said, shaking his head.
"Asshole," JJ muttered.
"Again, not nice, babe," David tenderly rebuked.
"Again, don't care!" JJ retorted. "Tony, you've got to take her back to NCIS with you! She's here to marry me off!"
"I heard. In detail. But, sadly, no can do, sis. Upon seeing our mother back in his neck of the woods, Gibbs hit me in the back of the head so hard that I think I've got whiplash. Ziva told me that if I ever brought her back to the office, she'd show me a day in the life of a Mossad soldier. After she visited Abby's lab, she reported back that she'd now officially put a voodoo curse on my head. Ducky is still in shock from her grabbing his ass. And, last but certainly not least, Palmer got the thrill of his life when dear old mom felt him up in the elevator before laying one on him. Sorry, sis, you're on your own here!"
"You can't do this to me, Tony!" JJ begged.
"What do you want me to do? You want my advice? Throw him," he said, nodding at Rossi, "to the the wolves! You've been together six months! Come out of the freaking closet all ready! Step up, Rossi! Be a man! You can take my mother! Or are you scared?" Tony taunted.
Narrowing his eyes on the other man, Rossi returned, "It's not me! It's your sister. She likes the goddamned closet. Not me! I'd yell it from the roof if she'd let me."
"Really?" Tony asked, cocking his head. "This true, sis?"
Tipping the bottle to her lips again, she muttered, "Maybe."
"Whatdaya mean "maybe", sis….the woman is going to harass you to within an inch of your life…you know this, right? Serve up Rossi to her on a pike! Sorry, man! But desperate times, desperate measures, ya know?" Tony said without a hint of apology in his tone.
"I'm willing to be anything your sister needs or wants me to be, but that has to be her decision," Rossi said plainly.
"Well in that case-," Tony began.
"Don't say it, Tony," JJ warned.
"No buts, Tony…" JJ said, again raising the bottle.
"Listen, you gotta do something or you're going to end up married to Reid!" Tony all but yelled.
"The hell you say!" Rossi spat.
"Possessive much?" Tony asked with a grin.
"Shut up!" David and JJ said in unison.
Tony's next comment was cut short by the sound of the door opening again as the three occupants of the room's eyes widened and looked at the door.
"Dear God, is it 1986 again," Rossi whispered.
There, standing in front of the wooden door, stood a very agitated looking Emily Prentiss with very, very big hair. Staring at JJ with narrowed eyes, Emily hissed, "I thought we were friends, Jayje! Close friends!"
"Oh, God, I see you've met my mother," JJ said, hanging her head. "What did she do to you, Em?"
Pointing at Em's poofy head, David said in horror, "You actually have to ask?"
"YOUR MOTHER IS CERTIFIABLY INSANE!" Emily yelled.
"Shhhhhhh! She'll hear you!" JJ hissed. "Then she'll find me!"
"How did it happen?" JJ asked, hanging her head.
"There I stood, washing my hands in the bathroom, minding my own business, when your carbon copy came barreling out of the bathroom stall telling me how much better I'd look with just a little lift to my hair! And since she was one of my best friend's mother, I felt obliged to stand there while she did THIS!" Emily said, pointing at her head. "And the whole time she kept babbling about how somebody named Tony would just love this look! Who the hell is Tony, JJ?"
"That'd be me," said Tony, taking a step forward and extending a hand. "And you just met my lovely mother."
Shaking his hand, Emily looked at JJ. "He's your BROTHER!"
"Half," JJ admitted grudgingly.
"And, you look quite lovely, if I may say so," Tony said with a charming smile.
Glaring at him, Emily hissed, "And YOU are full of shit!"
"He can't help himself, Em. You have a vagina," JJ quipped, taking another long pull off the bottle.
"Hey, I want a drink," Emily said quickly, reaching for the bottle.
Stilling her hand, Tony whispered, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
"Why?" Em asked.
"She's gonna need every drop in that thing gathering the courage to deal with our mother. Dear old mom's here on a mission. Seems she wants to see her darling daughter happily married," Tony explained.
"Oh, holy shit, no wonder she's drinking," Emily whispered as she looked at her friend.
"Yep!" Tony agreed, as they all heard the door open again.
This time four sets of startled eyes turned toward the door.
Everyone watched as Reid slipped in the door and shut it rapidly, pressing his back against it and staring at them all with widened eyes.
"Reid, you okay?" asked Emily.
Pointing, he gasped, "Your hair!"
"Been there, covered that! What's got you so scared, kid?" asked Rossi from his position beside JJ.
Lifting the bottle to her lips again, JJ smiled grimly before swallowing. "Yes, Spence, what has my mommy dearest done to YOU?"
"You don't want to know, JJ," Reid said, shaking his head violently.
"She may not, but I sure do, kid. Spill it," Tony ordered with a laugh.
Swallowing, Reid said quickly, "She found me in the cafeteria. I thought I'd be safe there. But she still found me! Before I knew what she was about, I was pressed to the wall being told how I'd be absolutely perfect for her daughter…Congratulations on the Little Miss Toddler Sunshine award from preschool, by the way, Jayje."
Raising the bottle to him in mock salute, JJ said loudly, "Four years running, Spence!"
Trying to grab the bottle while it was raised, Rossi listened as JJ hissed, "You were warned, Old Man!"
Sighing, Rossi looked at Reid. "What else, kid?"
"She just kept going on and on about JJ's accomplishments. Then," he said swallowing, "she said that after all those years playing on the soccer field that I'd be impressed by how limber and flexible she was!"
A look of abject horror crossed JJ's face at that point as she began to bang her head against the desk, groaning, "Why me??? Why me, God????"
Watching his sister, Tony bent toward Rossi and whispered, "Any of that true, Dave?"
Looking over his shoulder at the younger man, David whispered, "Keep going, Dinozzo, I know a place where nobody will ever find the body."
"It gets worse!" Reid told them on a loud frantic whisper.
Lifting her head to take another drink, JJ whispered, "How? How, Reid? How can it possibly get any worse?"
"Reid, do NOT answer her!" Rossi ordered.
Ignoring Rossi, Tony laughed. "Go ahead, kid, ignore him. Tell us how it get's worse."
Blushing an amusing shade of fire engine red, Reid replied, "She asked me about my…my sperm count. Said she wanted more than one grandbaby and she needed to know if my swimmers were up to the task!"
"Oh MY GOD!!" JJ yelled with eyes widening, standing quickly and promptly fell down - never spilling her ever important bottle of scotch.
As David helped JJ back into his office chair, he looked over his shoulder at Reid. "You don't have anything to worry about kid." Facing Jennifer again, he softly hissed, "What in the hell have you told your mother about us? Anything? Why would she even think of Reid?
JJ's only response was a violent shake of her head as she raised the bottle to her lips again.
As David spoke softly to JJ, Tony walked over to lay a comforting hand on Reids shoulder where he'd sunk to the floor. "Don't worry about it, man. You've just encountered the human piranha known as my mother. She smelled fresh blood and decided to feast on your flesh…you'll recover."
"I wish she'd have just felt me up again," Reid whispered as once again the door opened.
Everyone held there breath until they saw it was Morgan busting in the door.
"Oh, it's just you," Emily sighed in relief.
Catching the door before Morgan could slam it, Reid hissed warningly, "If you blow the cover in this room, man, the death threats that have been made are phenomenal!"
As Morgan stalked forward he watched as JJ rifled through David Rossi's desk drawers one handed, clutching an almost empty bottle wit the other and heard her say, "Damn it, Dave! Just tell me where the other bottle is!"
"Forget the damn bottle, JJ! Can't you control your mother, woman!" Morgan yelled.
"Derek, I'd advise you to rethink your tone," Rossi said warningly. "I have no problem serving you up as a gift to distract JJ's mother if your yelling brings her in here!"
"Rossi, man, you don't understand!" Morgan said, running a shaking hand over his bald head. Turning to where JJ was currently, knocking books around the tall bookcase looking for the elusive second bottle of scotch, Morgan screeched, "JJ, you've gotta do something. That woman wants to ruin my life!"
"Yeah," JJ said, dropping another book to the floor and looking over her shoulder, "Does she want to marry you off, too?"
"Worse! She wants to make sure I never get another piece of ass again as long as I live!" Morgan hollered.
Sighing, JJ looked around the room for another hiding spot.
"Ya know, sis, I'll help you out with finding that other bottle if you promise to share," Tony offered, watching his sister.
"Fat chance," JJ said, tripping over her feet.
"JJ, focus, baby, please!" Morgan begged.
"Fine," JJ said. "What'd she do to you?"
"I was talking to those three fine honeys from cyber crime by the copy machine when in walks your mama. The woman walked right up to us and told those babes that if they need a recommendation regarding me in the sack, she'd be happy to offer one in glowing detail. Then she proceeded to inform them about my many talents inside the bedroom…called them my special tricks!"
"Oh, God, I think my ears are bleeding," howled Emily.
Shrugging her slim shoulders, JJ said without remorse, "Hey, you slept with 'er!"
"I was drunk! That woman got me drunk and took advantage of me," Morgan said plaintitively.
"Yeah, right," muttered Emily and Reid in unison.
JJ ignored Morgan's muttering as she found the very bottom drawer of Rossi's credenza locked. Narrowing her eyes on the man she loved, she advanced toward him, taking another swig of her dwindling bottle along the way. "David Rossi, you give me the key RIGHT NOW!" she shouted.
Shaking his head firmly, Rossi admonished, "I'm not feeding the monster, babe."
"If you ever hope to see the inside of my bedroom or climb your ass back into my bed again, you'll hand over that key in the next ten seconds," JJ yelled, stumbling against him.
"Wait! What! Did she just say "see the inside of her bedroom" ?" Emily asked.
"Wait a minute!" Morgan yelled, focusing on Rossi. "You mean to tell me that you and JJ have been getting it on and I didn't know!"
"If Rossi is with JJ then why the heck did Emma accost me?" Reid asked Tony.
"Because apparently my sister is as crazy as my mother! She leaves out pieces of vital information! I told you secrets were never a good idea, sis! I'm putting an end to this," Tony said loudly as the cell phone on David's desk began to ring.
Six sets of eyes stared at JJ's phone on Rossi's desk in horror.
Shaking his head at his little sister, Tony promptly said, "Looks like mama's trying to find you, little sister!"
"Answer it, JJ!" Reid said frantically, jumping up and down. "It's going to give away our location!"
Picking the phone up, JJ tried to make her alcohol dazed eyes focus on the display as the phone stopped ringing. Holding the phone up to Rossi's face and nearly taking off his nose with it, she slurred as she took another swig of her bottle, "Can ya read that?"
Snatching the missile out of her inebriated hand, David glanced at the display. "It's Garcia."
"Oh, no," JJ whined, burying her head in the crook of David's neck. "She and my mother are probably picking out wedding flowers and choosing bridesmaid's dresses. She's probably calling to ask my size, David!"
"Babe, you'll never know unless you call her back," he whispered against her hair.
"Don't wanna!" JJ whined again, smacking a small fist against his chest.
"Well, knowing my Baby Girl, she's probably all ready found a way to track us all down via satellite or some shit. I wouldn't put it past that woman to have inserted a GPS chip under our skin while we were sleeping!" Morgan told them all as the door opened.
Seeing it was only Penelope, Emily quickly pulled her into the room and closed the door.
Hand's landing on her ample hips, Garcia glared at the room at large as she said, "I freaking knew it…I looked on my handy dandy little security monitors and this was the only office that had a closed door! You guys decided to have a party and not invite me!" Turning her glaring focus onto her best friend, she focused on JJ. "And, you," she said pointing at the wobbly blonde, "why aren't you answering your phone? Do you realize your poor mother has been searching one end of the BAU to the other looking for you?"
Opening her mouth to try to form a complete sentence, JJ watched Pens hold up a hand.
"Wait! Why are you standing their wrapped in Agent Rossi's arms?" Garcia asked.
Laughing, Morgan draped an arm around Garcia's shoulders and leaned over to say in her ear, "Seems our little angel, JJ and the Mr. Freaking Legendary Profiler have been making a little time between the sheets, mama! For months!"
Stomping across the room to stand in front of the couple in question, Garcia yelled, "Is that true, Jayje? You're sleeping with David Friggin' Rossi and you couldn't be bothered to tell your very best friend in the whole world? All those lunches, all those late night chats, all those texts and emails! And you never bothered to mention that little piece of pertinent information?"
Licking her numb lips, JJ replied, "Uhhhmmmmm, well,…"
"Good God, angelfish…you smell like whiskey," Garcia said, wrinkling her nose.
Holding the bottle up in front of her friend, JJ nodded, "Want some?"
"Hey!" Tony yelled.
"No, I do not want some!" Garcia yelled as she watched JJ take a drink. Narrowing her bespectacled eyes at David Rossi, she thundered, "You, sir, have some explaining to do! What the hell do you mean by taking advantage of our little Gumdrop? I swear, David Rossi, if you don't make an honest woman out of our girl as soon as possible it'll be like that best-selling book of yours last month never happened. Over a million dollars - poof! Gone!" she told him with a flicker of her hands.
"Hey, this is NOT my fault. Talk to her! I've been begging for months! Months! But, I've been informed in no uncertain terms that she ain't saying yes until she's convinced we'll both only leave the marriage in a pine box!"
"You'll be meeting that pine box soon enough, Agent Rossi, if you don't make this right!" Garcia retorted.
"All right, baby," Rossi said, glancing down at the woman slumped in his arms. "That's it…you're gonna have to say yes to me soon or somebody's gonna die and I ain't picky about who that person is!" he said, glaring around the room as the door opened once again.
Everyone turned to look at their newest visitors and cringed when they saw the woman and man standing in the doorway.
Standing tall and stoic beside Emma, Aaron Hotchner said in a controlled even voice that was belied by the deadly look in his eyes, "Lost anyone, Agent Jareau?"
Holding JJ upright against his chest, David murmured, "Go easy, Hotch."
"Jennifer," Emma said brightly, breezing into the room, "honey, I've been turning this place upside down hunting for you. Agent Hotchner, here," she said, caressing Hotch's arm, "was kind enough to keep me company. We've been discussing the future."
"Hotch, you've got a little-," Reid said uncomfortably, pointing at his lips.
Confused, Hotch raised a hand to his mouth and wiped. Looking at his hand, he winced when it was stained with Emma's red lipstick. Focusing his eyes back onto JJ, he ground out, "Yes, Agent Jareau, you mother has some definite plans regarding ALL our futures."
"Your future, Hotch?" Morgan asked, barely suppressing a grin.
"Why, yes, Agent Morgan. It seems Emma here thinks…oh how did she put it…that I need to get myself laid in the fastest way possible," Hotch bit out.
"Oh, Good Lord, Mother," JJ groaned.
"Well, please, dear, a fine specimen of a man like this," she said, smoothing a hand down Hotch's chest, "has needs that need to be met. And, since you've made it clear in the past that you had no interest…"
"Mother, please stop before I have a stroke," JJ begged.
"Sweetheart, you've got to stop being such a prude," Emma said sweetly. "We'll never get you married that way," she said, finally really looking at her daughter instead of Aaron Hotchner. "Jennifer, darling, who is that Italian stallion standing behind you with his arms around you?"
Whispering into her ear, Rossi stated, "You had so better say I'm more than a friend."
"I mean, honey, he's a nice piece of art…but too old to provide me with anymore grandchildren."
"I beg your pardon," Rossi said indignantly.
"No offense, honey. If my daughter hadn't seen you first…"
"Mother, do not finish that sentence!" JJ ordered. "Tony, help!" JJ begged.
Bent over double laughing, Tony gasped, "I can't! I'm sorry! I can't!"
"Ass!" JJ snapped.
"Language, Jennifer," her mother chastised.
Emily leaned unobtrusively toward Morgan and whispered, "SHE'S worried about language?"
"Speaking of Tony," Emma said turning to look at her son, "I met the sweetest girl in the restroom earlier. She'd be just perfect for you, son. Needs a good stylist for her hair though…"
Emily nearly choked from her position behind Morgan.
"And, Jennifer, I saw Reid earlier. I think he's our best candidate for marriage. The man behind you is simply too old, dear."
"Okay! That's it!" yelled Rossi, tightening his arms around JJ.
"Mom, I think Jen really might need to TELL you something," Tony yelled with a pointed look at his little sister. "Jen, Rossi is gonna pop a vein if you don't say something soon!" he warned.
"Tell me what, Jennifer? You can tell mommy anything!" Emma said in a sweet voice.
"Just a sec, mother!" said Jennifer, holding up one finger and chugging the remainder of the scotch in the bottle. Turning in David's arms, she handed him the empty glass container. "Okay," she whispered, "Wish me luck!"
"You don't need luck, babe….what you need is a damn medal if this is what your life with that woman was like!" Rossi whispered violently.
Laying a gentle hand on his cheek, JJ said softly, "Now, that's why I love you. You always say what I need to hear." Turning to face her mother once more, JJ took an unsteady step forward. "Mom, there's a few things I need to tell you…all of you, really. The man behind me is David Rossi. We're not just co-workers. We're not just friends. We've been in a relationship for six months. I love him and he loves me. He isn't too old and he's perfectly capable of making more babies. I don't need Reid for that."
"Damn right, you don't" Rossi muttered.
Soldiering on, JJ continued, "The man behind me has asked me several times to marry him…to let him be a father to my son…and I've always said no." Turning she looked into David's dark eyes and added, "Until now. If you still want me, David, I'd be honored to be your wife and have you as a father for Henry."
Stepping forward, Rossi whispered, "You sure, babe? You aren't exactly sober right now."
"I'm sober enough to know who I love and what I want, David. I promise you that," JJ whispered to him.
"In that case, THANK GOD!" he yelled sweeping her into his strong arms and spinning her.
"OH GOD, DAVID! STOP! I'm gonna be sick!" JJ hollered.
Sitting her quickly down, JJ heard the entire room laugh.
"See, told ya you should have shared that scotch!" Tony smirked.
"You're really going to marry me?" Rossi whispered kneeling in front of her.
JJ nodded and said, "I should have said yes the first time you asked."
"Why didn't you?" Emily asked curiously.
"I wasn't sure about his level of commitment to me," she said, looking in David's eyes. "But it seems we've weathered the worst case scenario."
"Which was?" Hotch asked.
Staring at her smiling mother across the room, JJ said clearly, "I visit from my mother!" Leaning forward to kiss her future husband, JJ murmured against his lips, "And he didn't even flinch!"