Disclaimer: I don't own Drake & Josh...
AN: This is for Astoria, because in her notes she always writes that her favourite smell is the scent that's outside just after it rains... I was going to make that Josh's favourite scent, but thought he'd probably be more appreciative of books. But still, it was the idea that helped me write that part.
When you first meet him, it doesn't take long for you to realize that he's the smartest person you'll ever know. You can barely even string a proper sentence together, and yet you can see this boy's perfection where you can not see your own. People, girls and boys, stare after you longingly, but you never notice, because your eyes are always on him. You can never understand why anyone would prefer you to him; you're silly and obnoxious, while he's beautiful.
If this were a fairytale, you often think to yourself wryly, then Josh, he'd be the prince, because Josh is brilliant and handsome and charming. You'd probably be an evil stepsister, because god knows you aren't intelligent enough to be the lovely princess.
Josh regularly tells you how stupid you are, but because you're you, you laugh it off. You find a way to turn it into a joke, because if Josh were to ever see through your façade and realize how much it hurt you, the guilt would tear him apart.
You've known the feeling of being ripped to shreds for awhile now, and you'd give anything for Josh not to have to experience it too.
You wonder when Josh became the best part of your life, and you wonder why it took you so long to notice. Initially, you'd hated the idea of sharing a room with him, but now you doubt you could sleep without his soothing snores to lull you to sleep.
You like to think that you know more about Josh than anyone else in the world. You know, for instance, that his favourite colour is teal – not blue. You know that he loves the musty scent of old books and you know that his hair smells like dragonfruit.
If Josh were ever to leave you, you'd sniff a dragonfruit everyday, just to keep the memory alive.
You don't think you've ever been in love, but if love is when you only want to be around one person, all the time, then you think what you feel for Josh is pretty close. You'd never tell Josh, though, because Josh is too sensible, too normal, to ever let himself feel that way about you. If you keep your emotions to yourself, he can never crush them; there is still the delicate hope, the tender possibility. Until he denies point blank that he loves you, you can still imagine, fantasize.
You date and ditch girl after girl, leaving a string of heartbroken teenagers in your wake. They sob and plead and smack you, but you don't tell them that you're more broken than any of them; you don't tell them that you wished you loved them even more than they wished you loved them, because if you loved one of those girls, you wouldn't love Josh.
You can't even play your guitar without hurting anymore, because every song you know reminds you of a different moment spent with Josh. But still, you don't tell Josh anything, because he's everything, and if he were to hate you, you'd be less than nothing.
So each time he kisses Mindy, you pretend to be disgusted, when really, you're dying. You wonder to yourself why anyone would find it cliché to say that heartbreak feels like a thousand daggers piercing your heart.
You could never find words anywhere that are more accurate.
You wouldn't put a label on yourself, that you're gay or straight or anything; if someone asked you to describe yourself, you'd surely say Josh, because his name is the only word that ever comes to your mind. You'd always explain yourself with his name, no matter what the circumstance. You don't think there was even a life before Josh and that's why his name is the only thing that can possibly define you. The day you first met Josh was the day you drew your first breath; that was the first day you realized that dragonfruit had a discernible odour.
You imagine various different scenarios, always set in an alternate universe where it's acceptable to fall in love with your step-brother. You want to ask someone why there are so many rules when it comes to love, but you're you and you're selfish and stupid and you don't ask questions like that. Instead, you imagine yourself crossing out all the rules to love and writing a new list.
Your list of rules is blank, because you don't think you'd ever be able to harness love. You can't even define love, so you don't see how you'd be able to prescribe guidelines for it. Josh probably could, but that doesn't surprise you, because Josh could probably do anything he set his mind to. There is one thing Josh couldn't do though. Josh could never bring himself to love you, because loving you would be wrong and Josh never does anything that isn't right.
You think that must be the main difference between him and you; the fact that he is everything right, and you are everything wrong.
You think that you're always going to be wrong, because you're never going to stop loving Josh.