Staying the Same.
Cold. It's what Tony Stonem is all about. He's cold, conniving, managing and manipulating. He's a bastard but I still love him. I still want him to no end even though his constant mind games leave me wanting to break under the pressure. It's like he's everywhere, he's inside me; flowing through my veins, stuck in my head, in my feet when I dance, in my hands when I draw. He exposes me for what I am but it's all a game to him. It doesn't matter that he's hurting me, starving me of crucial nutrients. All he cares about is his fucking game of chess that holds his friends including me.
That's all we are to him; all we'll ever be to the great Tony Stonem who everyone loves and adores: just chess pieces. But now it's all different. The bus that ran him down left him vulnerable and weak, frozen in time in a deadly coma he might never come out of. I'm scared for him even though all he's ever done is treat me like shit. I'm scared. I can't show my face in his hospital room, for fuck's sake! I'm a slut and I always have been, like 'Chelle said. It's all my fault maybe if I had done something differently; hadn't said no when he tried to give me head in Russia then he wouldn't have walked across the road when he did. How can I see him when I know I did that to him? Even if he did wake up, how could I face him? All I am is Maxxie, the slutty gay.
It'll never be okay, the only way out is through dancing, through rhythm, getting lost in a place so high it can't be found. I understand Cassie more now that I know what it is like to be fucked up inside. I feel dirty all the time; no amount of showers could ever clean me. I'm not healthy and I don't feel safe so maybe that's why I cut. I'm desperate or turning insane either way there is only one thing that remains true to me: I love Tony Stonem. This makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time. Makes me want to cut and makes me want to smile. I want to run away yet I want to stay. I feel cold and empty and I want to be warm. I've never felt so alone even though I still have all my friends. I feel like everything I do will end the world. It's not fair all I want is to be safe again.
Anwar the great mate he is dragged me into the hospital room kicking and screaming. Of course I hadn't been screaming when he told me Tony had woken up. But now I was, on the inside. I didn't want to hurt him again like I had before.
"Hi An." Tony smiled but it was merely a ghost of what it had been. He looked at me confused and then began to concentrate, I knew he was trying to remember me and I tried to run but An wouldn't let me.
Tony looked at me closely and I hung my head in shame, when he remembered he'd want me out. I don't think I could have taken that kind of rejection. His mouth began to form my name and he whispered like it was something sacred, something he loved "Maxxie."
I couldn't not acknowledge him after all his concentrating and the way he said my name sounded that he cared, "hi Tony." My voice shook as I said it.
His ghost of a smile crossed his face again and he patted the chair next to him. An had left the room and I hadn't noticed. Best mate! Ha. He wanted me to get eaten alive by this experience.
I sat down next to Tony and watched him as he tried to conjure memories of us, or at least that's what I thought he was doing.
"Maxxie, the first thing I thought about when I woke up was you. I thought about blond hair and blue-grey eyes. And games."
"What games?" I asked quietly not wanting to interrupt but having to anyway.
"Games, mind games. How I didn't want to do them anymore. See when I woke up I remembered everything about old me. People's faces were blurred out and I couldn't remember their names but I remembered me and blond hair and blue-grey eyes. I remember not liking me but liking a considerate, kind and always willing to forgive blond who liked to dance and draw. I remembered how the blond always forgave me when I was wrong and how we were best mates."
Tony paused. His constants and vowels were getting mixed up in his speech and he stammered but he made his way through it. I held his hand tightly making sure he was still there. "I asked Chelle who you were and she had a fit and dumped me in hospital. Crowning moment of my social life."
I laugh lightly. "Still witty." I murmur under my breath. He's bruised and beaten into bed but he still makes me smile and I hate him for it. Hate him because he's happy with me and I'm happy with me and it shouldn't be like this.
"Why didn't you come see me Maxxie? Sid said you never came." He sounded hurt even as he stumbled through his words struggling to keep him mouth on the same wave length as his brain.
I took a breath "I couldn't face you. I thought you'd think I was a slut because of Russia, Chelle would have told you and it would hurt for you to hate me."
"I'd never hate you Maxxie, quite the opposite. Staying in bed with nothing to do helps you think. I love you and I know in the past I've been a son of a bitch and a royal pain in the arse to you but I want you."
I knew he was genuine, the sincerity in his voice was that of which no actor could do. So I swallow down all doubt and say it "I love you too Tony."
"In that way?"
"In that way." I nodded so that he really understood.
From then on it wasn't cold. Tony Stonem wasn't cold and neither was I. The games diminished and we clung on to the silence and thoughtfulness in the room. A love that wasn't supposed to be possible had been made and I sat there and revelled in the glory of new found love. I wasn't so empty anymore but then again I wasn't cold and Tony wasn't playing games. Things changed, life changed but one thing stayed the same: I love Tony Stonem.
The added bonus: He loves me too.