Title: Yugi and Ryou's Guide to Yami Management

Pairings: hints of some YB X YY

Genre: Humor

Rating: PG13 for... well, you'll figure it out.

Summary: Yugi and Ryou write a guide to keeping ancient spirits in check.

Disclaimer: Not mine. If I owned Yu-Gi-Oh, there would be much yaoi. And Anzu would be dead. And Mai would be topless.


RULE 10 – The Kitchen

Where to start?

My name is Ryou Bakura, and it wouldn't be that much of a stretch to say I'm possessed. Well, now that I think about it, 'haunted' would probably be a better word. You see, I have what some people might call an evil twin. He's actually the spirit of an ancient Egyptian thief, but either way works.

Now, the reason I'm writing this is because I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not the first person to have a spirit live with me, and I will definitely not be the last. So for all the unfortunate souls with Ancient Egyptian spirits living alongside them, this guide is for you.

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There are ten things one must remember when dealing with a yami. One important thing to remember is that they are extremely persuasive and can lie seven ways to hell. So, no matter how much sense they make, make your decision before you talk to them, and do not change your mind.

For example, when it comes to kitchen appliances, I don't care how high their understanding of modern electronics goes: Do not let them handle any machine in the kitchen. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever! They may know how to use said appliances, but they seem to enjoy finding ways to use them as weapons.

I learned this the hard way when my friends and I were hanging out at Anzu's place.

The group consisted of Yugi, Honda, Jounouchi, Anzu and myself. Bakura and Yami were there too, but none of us had seen them in over an hour. We didn't think anything of it, though. Finals were little more than a week away, and in the midst of all the crazy events over the past two years, we hadn't been as dedicated to studying as we should've been. I was used to letting Bakura do his own thing, and I had assumed that if he got too far out of line, Yami would give him a little push in the right direction.

Or a sucker punch to the gut, but it makes no difference to me.

Bakura and Yami had a very odd relationship since they both received bodies of their own. Their conversations had two levels—the basic meaning that everyone heard, and then the deeper meaning that could have one at the other's throat in the blink of an eye.

Now, though I often wondered what this 'deeper meaning' was, I refrained from asking, simply because I was getting sick of slamming my head into the wall. Those two seem to have that sort of effect on me, no matter how level-headed I try to remain. There's only so much stupidity one can take, after all, and their arguments made my brain melt into a sticky pile of goo after prolonged exposure.

For example: Christmas. Yugi and I had (unsuccessfully) tried to explain the story of Christmas to Yami and Bakura, and just when I thought they were finally starting to understand the concept of holiday spirit, Yami made some snide comment, and the next thing I knew, they were aiming for the jugular with glass icicles. I had no clue what they were fighting about! Three trips to the Shadow Realm (and subsequently, the hospital) later, I finally got up the nerve to ask Bakura what the fight was about.

His reply?

Frosty the motherfucking Snowman.

Apparently, Yugi had forced them to watch the movie so he could have a few moments of peace, and Yami had convinced Bakura that talking snow demons were indeed real, and the only way to kill one was by stabbing it in the head with an icicle.

So why the fight?

Honestly, I have no idea. But anyways, back on topic.

We were about halfway through our Calculus homework when there was a sudden enraged scream of pain from the kitchen. I felt a strange burning sensation through the mind link Bakura and I shared, while Yugi just shook his head. "Who wants to go see what they're doing?" he asked in resignation.

Jounouchi was the first to volunteer. Well, not so much as volunteer, but more like he hopped to his feet and ran into the kitchen. Seconds later, he slunk back out into the living room, shoulders shaking with laughter. "You guys gotta see this!" he snickered.

Yugi and I groaned, minds readily supplying images of just what might have happened. We followed Jou into the kitchen, and immediately burst out laughing. Bakura was strangling Yami with the cord of Anzu's waffle iron, and before any of us could ask why, I caught sight of Bakura's hand. There was a bright red cris-cross burn pattern on both sides of his right hand, probably from where Yami had smashed it in said waffle iron.

"Let them fight it out," Yugi said monotonously.

"But Yugi…!" Anzu protested.

Honda shrugged. "I think Yugi's right. They won't kill each other."

I'll cut out Anzu's friendship speech—not because it isn't relevant, but simply because the moment the words "But friendship—" left her mouth, I sorta zoned out.

Yugi didn't seem to be paying that much attention either, but that was probably due to the fact that Yami had stolen one of Bakura's knives and cut through the cord. "Wanna bet on who wins?" Jounouchi asked Honda with a grin.

Honda thought for a moment. "Well, Yami has a knife, but knowing Bakura, he probably has at least ten more hidden somewhere." He frowned. "Then again, Yami is better with the whole Shadow Voodoo thing, but…"

Jou rolled his eyes. "Just pick one, already!"

"Fine. I say Bakura."

"Traitor!" snapped Yami.

Honda shrugged. "Well, he does have that man-eating bug."

"And that bug had better not materialize in my kitchen again, Bakura!" Anzu snapped.

"Shut your whore mouth!" Bakura snapped, flinging a knife at Yami and dodging a frying pan simultaneously.

To make a long and monotonous story short, I'll just tell you that Yami won by knockout, though only just. He managed to smash the blender over Bakura's head, but then slipped in a small puddle of blood and knocked himself out on the sink.

So, there you have it. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, allow your yami in the kitchen. Unless you enjoy cleaning up blood and broken glass, but to each his own.


Author's Note: ... Wow. I have no idea where this came from. Anyways, there is more to come, so I hope you enjoy! All of the people who have their own yami... please google 'dissociative identity disorder'. That will give you more help than this story. Next chapter is coming soon! Thank you for reading, and good night!