Title: Yugi and Ryou's Guide to Yami Management
Pairings: slight YB X YY
Rating: PG13 for... well, you'll figure it out.
Summary: Yugi's POV. Yami and Bakura have some fun with the elevator.
Disclaimer: Not mine. If I owned Yu-Gi-Oh, there would be much yaoi. And Anzu would be dead. And Mai would be topless. Also, credit for this prank goes to David Spates. Check him out on Youtube. Greatest comedian ever.
ALSO: For those of you who don't read my author's notes, there is more at the very bottom.
RULE 7 – Boredom
Yami never really was the same after the incident with Bakura and the internet. I couldn't keep chocolate ice cream in the house anymore, and I could never bring up the topic of two girls or one cup. Instead of "two girls", it was "this one girl and this other girl", and instead of "one cup", it was "a glass".
Whatever. He'll get over it.
Now, see, one thing you should never assume is that a traumatized person is harmless. I made this mistake when I thought I could leave Yami home alone with Bakura while I was at school. In my defense, Yami had been curled up on the couch muttering to himself ever since Bakura showed him that video, so I didn't see how his demeanor could possibly do a one-eighty in my seven-hour absence.
I will never make that mistake again.
So, what's the tip of the day? No matter how harmless your yami may seem, DO NOT let them get bored while alone. I don't care what you have to do. But when they get bored, they find some of the weirdest ways to entertain themselves.
I believe this is where I give you my personal experience, so here goes.
I was running late that morning, all thanks to Yami. Apparently the glowing numbers on my alarm clock were bothering him sometime during the night, so he unplugged it. Thanks a million.
Anyways, I was just about to leave when my doorbell rang. It was Ryou. "Oh, thank goodness," he said. "I was afraid you'd already left."
"I was just about to, actually," I said. "Shouldn't you be at school by now?"
"Could say the same for you," he replied. "Don't tell me you forgot."
I winced. "Guilty. What did I forget?"
It was then that I noticed Bakura leaning against the wall beside him. "One of my father's friends is staying at my place tonight, and I can't have Bakura in the house."
"Oh yeah!" I exclaimed. "Bakura, there's food in the fridge, and please don't send anything to the Shadow Realm. See ya!" And with that, Ryou and I hurried off to school, leaving behind Yami, Bakura, and a right plethora of opportunities for trouble.
The rest of this story is what I learned from Yami and Bakura AFTER the incident. Both accounts vary, but here's what happened from what I gathered.
"Are you still pissed at me, Pharaoh?" Bakura teased, plopping down on the couch next to Yami.
Yami just glared. "I'm never going to forgive you for that," he snapped. There were a few moments of silence, and Bakura finally stretched out cat-like on the couch, resting his feet on Yami's lap. When Yami failed to shove Bakura's feet away, it became obvious that he was giving Bakura the silent treatment.
"Fine, have it your way," Bakura sighed, resting his head on the arm of the couch. "I could use a footrest." Within a few minutes, Bakura was asleep. It took a bit for Yami to realize this, but when he did, ideas began racing through his head at a mile per minute.
Now, Yami didn't go into any detail on his reasoning, but he ended up not castrating Bakura in his sleep, and instead joined him in dreamland.
I swear, I will never understand that guy.
By the time Bakura woke up, the room was flooded with sunlight, and he was a bit more then surprised to find himself curled up next to Yami. "What the fuck?!" he shouted.
This shout thoroughly startled Yami, who sat bolt upright and fell off the couch. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again: WHAT ISWRONG WITH YOU?!" Yami shouted as he pushed himself up off the floor.
"Why were you asleep next to me?!"
Yami rolled his eyes. "You were on my side of the couch! You should quit snuggling in your sleep!"
As this fact registered in Bakura's brain, he went on the defensive. Meaning, he changed topics. "What time is it? I'm hungry."
Yami glanced at the clock. "Um, 1:30. And there's food in the kitchen if you want it."
Bakura sighed. "I already raided the kitchen. There's nothing edible in there."
"Well, what do you suggest?" Yami asked in annoyance. This is where everything went wrong.
"Hell if I know," Bakura replied sullenly. "I'm bored."
There. Stop the film. Right there. I'm bored.The two words that are the root of nearly all trouble in the world today. Bored? Let's get high. Bored? Let's have sex. Bored? Let's rob the five-and-dime. Bored? Let's light off firecrackers by the Vietnam veteran and see what happens. Bored? Let's shoot the neighbor's daughter with BB guns. See the connection? BORED!
So, the unholy words of the apocalypse had been uttered. The end was nigh.
They didn't do much for the next half hour or so, and sat on the couch in semi-silence, too lazy to turn on the TV. Then Yami had to open his mouth.
"Hey, Tomb Thief?"
"What would you do if you were sitting on the roof and a dead bird fell on your head?"
Bakura blinked in confusion, then shook his head. "Where did that come from?" he asked.
Yami shrugged. "No idea. Just popped into my head." Again with the silence. "Well, what would you do?"
"I'd eat it, Pharaoh," Bakura said, annoyed.
It was quiet again, but this time, Bakura had a question. "What would you do if Marik walked in here in a pink thong?"
Yami smirked. "I'd take a picture and put it on the internet."
Thus began the 'what would you do if…?' question game. What would you do if the little people started coming out of the television? What would you do if Jounouchi was actually a girl? What would you do if you were trapped on a desert island with Anzu and Honda and you didn't have any food? You'd eat Anzu? But what if she was the last female and you had to repopulate the earth? You'd still eat her?
This continued for about twenty minutes, until Bakura asked the winning question. "What would you do if you walked into an elevator, and a guy in a bloody shirt with a machete walked in after you?"
Yami was stumped. "That's actually a really good question," he admitted. After a moment of thoughtful silence, he grinned one of his eviler grins. "Wanna find out?"
As Yami and Bakura were telling me this story, I thought it better not to ask where they got the machete.
After a short debate, it was decided that Bakura would be the one to carry the machete and wear the shirt splattered with Yami's blood. So, with the bloody shirt and big knife in hand, they left the house and headed to the nearest parking garage.
"Okay, so make sure they can't see you before they get in," Yami said, wiping some of his blood onto Bakura's face and hair. "There. Though your face could probably scare them without the blood and knife," he added snidely.
Bakura smirked and gnashed his teeth for effect. Yami snickered. "Oh, here come some people now!"
Two teenage guys and their mother approached the elevator and pressed the button. As soon as the doors opened, the trio entered the enclosed box, followed closely by Bakura, machete in hand.
The first boy screamed like a girl and bolted, followed closely by his brother and crying mother.
Yami sank to the ground laughing as the mother's sobs echoed throughout the parking garage. "Did you see the look on that woman's face?!" Bakura exclaimed, tears of mirth gathering blood as they slid down his cheeks. "Priceless!"
Yami finally managed to control his laughter with a few deep breaths. "So," he said. "Does this answer our question?"
"Pfft," Bakura replied. "No. Not yet."
I would never have heard any part of this story if I hadn't taken a shortcut home with Honda and Jou after school. We were crossing the lower parking lot when I saw a white-haired, blood-soaked, knife-wielding, and extremely familiar-looking individual following a horny couple into the elevator.
"That's not… is it…?" Honda wondered aloud.
"Bakura!" Jou called.
Bakura looked up… and hid the machete behind his back. "It IS you!" I exclaimed. "Where's Yami?" Bakura's eyes flickered to the right, and I noticed a shadow from behind a parked car. "Yami, come out. I see you," I said, exasperated.
Reluctantly, like a guilty dog that chewed up a shoe, Yami emerged with a faux innocent expression on his face. "Aibou! Fancy meeting you here!"
Author's Note: Sorry for the wait, you guys. My friend let me borrow Path of Radiance, and I'm hooked. Expect some Fire Emblem fanfiction soon.
Anyways, to my lovely and wonderful reviewers: I am sooo sorry it took this long to update. I am at your mercy. To atone for my deadly sin, I have a preview for the next chapter! Oh, and there will be more hints of yaoi. Enjoy!
PREVIEW, RULE 6
I should have known the fish wouldn't last. That was a no-brainer. It's not that Bakura is cruel to animals; goodness no! It's just that he has trouble differentiating between pets and dinner.
The goldfish were dinner in a day. The dog had to be put to sleep after Bakura taught it to maul anything with a pulse, and the cat was collateral damage when Yami and Bakura got into another one of their epic knife fights over some trivial issue or another. I don't think I've ever seen Anzu cry so hard.
So what I'm getting at here is that pets are not ideal companions for ancient Egyptian spirits, especially if you don't want certain brunettes calling collect to the ASPCA.
Anyways, I was at the pet store with Yugi and Jounouchi (Yami and Bakura were there too, obviously), when I saw the most adorable pair of lovebirds. No, not Yami and Bakura, despite my theories, but actual black, yellow and green red-beaked lovebirds, snuggled up next to each other, chirping contentedly.
But as I stared at them, I had a sudden vision of two roasted chickens.
All thoughts of adopting them flew out the window.