Co-written with Yerica the last Rider, AKA Storm, fourth in the Twilight is Shit series.
Dem: Y halo thar, fanfiction world! Welcome to yet another Twilight fic of mocking by Dem (and Storm)!
Storm: I'm Storm!
Dem: Yes, Storm, the readers would have noticed that when they read that it was 'Storm' speaking.
Storm: You don't have to be so snippy.
Dem: Of course I do. This is a Twilight parody fic.
Storm: Now who's being redundant?
Dem: Oh, shut up. Anyway, you may be wondering what this particular installment is about.
Storm: This would be the reason that you clicked the link.
Dem: In this one shot, we will be talking about how to kill a Twilight vampire, or as I like to call them, 'Meyerpires'. Storm here has never read Twilight. So, Storm, how do you think you would kill a Meyerpire?
Storm: Well, how about pushing them into sunlight—that's a stupid answer, isn't it?
Dem: Kind of.
Storm: Kind of?
Dem: It makes them sparkle.
Dem: Sunlight. They sparkle in sunlight.
Storm: No bursting into flames?
Dem: ... no...
Storm: Um...well then... garlic?
Dem: It'll make them feel kind of disgusted because it's "human food" and obviously beneath them, but otherwise, no.
Storm: Stake to the heart?
Dem: I doubt it would do more than piss them off.
Storm: Mirrors? Are they in any way affected by mirrors?
Dem: Nope. Just for Edward to admire himself in one.
Storm: Oooh! I know! Holy Symbols! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU, BITCH!
Storm: Not even Holy Water?
Dem: It'll just make them wet.
Dem: Give up?
Storm: NO! They have to have one effing weakness! How about...cutting their heads off?
Dem: ...you'd think so but...
Storm: ...but ... you, you cut their heads off. Their ... their HEADS...
Dem: Doesn't matter. They kind of just put themselves back together again.
Dem: A-are you CRYING?
Storm: These guys are worse then elves from freaking ERAGON, MAN!
Dem: Oh come on they aren't tha- oh... oh my god, you're right...
*both are silent for a moment*
Dem: And other ideas then?
Storm: But... there's nothing else... unless, does shooting them work?
Storm: Not even with silver bullets?
Dem: That's WEREWOLVES.
Storm: Oh…right... then there's nothing else.
Dem: Yes there is.
Storm: You can't use garlic, holy water, crosses, sunlight, mirrors, bullets, stakes to the heart, OR cutting off their heads.
Dem: There's one other thing.
Dem: It starts with an F and ends with ire.
Storm: Fire...fire is their weakness?
Storm: So, like a match hits them and they go up in flame?
Dem: ...no, not quite.
Storm: o.o Y-you're kidding right?
Dem: *shakes her head* Also, even if you DO set them on fire, they could just put it out.
Storm: You could trap them in a burning building, tied up.
Dem: Yes, but you forget that Meyerpires have super strength, super speed, super agility, super intelligence, and pretty much super everything. The only thing they can't do is fly, which they can simulate by running uber fast.
Storm: Is there anything about them that ISN'T Mary Sueish?
Dem: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... they're um.... no...No, not really. I mean, they're made of DIAMONDS.
Storm: ... why do diamonds need to drink blood?
Dem: Why does Meyer sell any books?
Storm: Touché. But seriously. Diamonds? She DOES know that diamonds break, right? I mean, you take a hammer to a diamond, the diamond cracks.
Storm: Uh, yeah. Hard does not equal invincible.
Dem: Hammers. Hammers and Fire.
Storm: Yes, hammers and fire against the biggest Mary Sues ever to walk the earth.
Dem: And yet they are still all emo.
Storm: Seriously people. What the fuck?
Dem: My sentiments exactly.
Storm: No other ways to kill them, then, other than hammers and fire?
Dem: -considers- None that I can think of.
Storm: Hrmmmm…OH! OH! I KNOW! PICK ME, PICK MEEE!!!
Dem: …I pick…you?
Storm: How about…Anti Sparkle Lotion!
Dem: Oh my God, that's genius!
Storm: Why, thank you.
Dem: Well that's all the time we have tonight, so keep in mind that boyfriends that stalk and abuse you are NOT sexy, even if Stephenie Meyer says they are. Thank you, and goodnight.