didn't want Jasper to see just how awful I felt, but I desperately
needed him right now. Title: Just You (1/1)
Disclaimer: I own nothing…I just borrow.
Feedback: Greatly appreciated.
Summary: Alice tries to find an escape from her headaches during Bella's pregnancy. Alice POV.
Fuzzy half images blurred through my mind. I couldn't get any of them to focus, and the result was excruciating. I had no point of reference for physical pain. Emotional pain I knew, but I had no memories of physical pain as a human, and it's usually pretty difficult to cause a vampire physical pain. Now though, my head hurt no matter what I tried. Even up in the attic, my overactive brain was in full gear, trying futilely to break through the static. The only respite I'd felt was when I'd sat by Jacob and just numbed everything away, but I that was a short term solution, gone the second he left the room.
In this state I was useless. I couldn't comfort Bella because being around her just made the pain much worse. I couldn't help with the research because I couldn't make the throbbing stop long enough to make sense of the characters on the page. Jacob was barely out the door, and already the pain was more than I could handle. I trudged up the stairs, leaving finger marks in the rail I was clutching it so tightly. At the top, I paused, trying to get a handle on the pain. I didn't want Jasper to see just how awful I felt, but I desperately needed him right now.
Quietly, I opened the door and slipped into the room. He lifted his head up at the sound, and turned to face me. His expression fell as he felt the distress I was in. He was off the chair in an instant and the next thing I knew I was cradled in his arms.
"Alice…" he kissed my forehead, my temple, my cheek.
Oh, how I wished that all it took was a tender kiss from my love to make it all go away. I lay my head against his chest, trying to latch on to the peace and love he was trying to send me. A whimper escaped my lips as my overtaxed mind protested at trying to process one more thing.
"I'm hurting you…" Jasper gasped, starting to put me down.
I clung tightly to his neck. "No…
"No, I'm not causing you pain?" he asked, hesitating, but not putting me down. The feelings that he'd been projecting were quickly drawn back.
I clenched the curls at the back of his head in my fingers, and buried my face in his sweater, breathing him in deeply over and over again. I was vaguely aware that we were moving back and forth across narrow path of floor between the door and the desk.
"Jasper?" I called softly, my voice weak despite my best efforts for it not to be.
He paused. "Is this making it worse?"
"No…" I started to protest, but I was left sitting on the desk before I got the word out. Jasper was across the room, leaning against the door, looking at me full of anguish. I bit my lip and pulled my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. Sometimes I wished I were able to really cry. I gasped in a breath in a dry sob. The fuzzy visions were a giant weight pressing down on my small frame, crushing it. I couldn't find my voice to call my love back to me, so I sat curled in a ball, staring blankly down at the large tome he'd been reading.
After what seemed like an eternity, Jasper sat back down in the chair at the desk. He lay his elbows on the book, and raked his hands through his hair as he dropped his head. "I can't bear to see you like this," he murmured, not looking up. "I'm causing you more pain."
His words drew my out of my bubble. I reached out and ran my fingers into his hair, grasping his fingers in mine. My thumb traced little circles beside his ear. He flinched away slightly, but changed his mind and didn't move.
"You're not," I lied, slightly.
"I picked you up, and you whimpered." His face was still pressed to his hands. "I want to help you, Alice, and I'm just making it worse. I can't…" Again he tried to get up, but I held tight to the honey blond curls I held between my fingers. He looked up, startled, and quickly looking back down at the yellowing page below him.
"No," I managed, another sob escaping. "Look at me, dammit!"
Jasper drew in a sharp breath. He remained unconvinced, but complied anyways. He pursed his lips nervously. As in pain as I was, I couldn't help but want to comfort him when I saw such a troubled look in his darkening eyes.
I released his hair, and slid my hands down to his shoulders. "I need you."
"No," I sighed. "Let me finish this. Please."
He nodded. He was battling the urge to look away, I could tell.
"I'm going to be in pain wherever I am in this house for the time being, Jasper."
He growled quietly, squeezing my hand.
"Other than the wolves, nothing has helped—"
"Why did it cause you more pain when I picked you up?" he asked with a raspy voice, unable to keep from interrupting. But he held my gaze, and I knew how hard that was for him.
Gingerly, I scooted closer, perching on his book, one foot on either side of him on the chair. "My head just can't process anything extra. My body felt the love and the comfort, but my brain knew it wasn't mine, and I tried so hard to hold onto it…"
Jasper let his head fall onto my stomach. As difficult as it was for me to let him chastise himself about this, I couldn't bring myself to lie. Jasper always deserved the truth about things that were important. That trust was central to our relationship.
I ran my fingers into his hair again, and slid down onto his lap, hugging him to me as tightly as I could. Jasper was shaking slightly with his torment, as he tried to slay the demons within. He had to work his way out of these kinds of moods on his own. I could hold him close, but until he had made peace with it, there was little else I could do. I rest my throbbing head against his shoulder, and traced the scars of his back through his shirt. The pain wasn't lessened any, but something was better when I was sitting like that with him. We remained this way for a long time. The only sounds were occasional whimpers that escaped my lips despite my best efforts.
"I can't control it, Alice," he whispered, tensing beneath me. "I'm trying so hard not to project, and right now I can't help it, and I'm hurting you."
"I don't care," I insisted truthfully, tightening my grasp in anticipation of his trying to put me down again.
He inhaled sharply, laying his cheek on the top of my head. "I do care."
"I know." He wasn't letting go, and I took that as a good sign as I continued, "Jasper, honey, the difference in degree of pain is negligible, really it is. In the scheme of this monster headache, all sorts of things give it little spikes. I haven't been able to make it go away, so I'll take whatever comfort I can get, and I get that in your arms." I looked up at him as I said the last part.
At this, he tightened his grip on me, and kissed my forehead. "What do we do now?"
"We wait. It's not going to be much longer now till its born…"
"And if it doesn't get any better?" he asked quietly.
I didn't have an answer for that. "I don't know. I can't think about that yet. It hurts too much to think rationally." I let me head drop to his chest again. "Just keep finding out as much as you can about this thing." He needed to focus on something else to be able to let this go.
"I don't know if I could concentrate on the book right now," he admitted, rubbing a line up and down my back with the heel of his hand. "But if you think I might be able to find something that could help you…" He wasn't even thinking about helping Bella anymore, in his worry for me.
"The more we can find out about this thing, the better it is for everyone," I murmured.
Tenderly, he cupped my chin in his hand and lowered his lips to mine in a sweet, gentle kiss. "Do you need anything?" he asked as he pulled away.
"Just you," I murmured, curling into his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around me as he leaned back over his book.