{I do not own any of these characters; they all belong to Stephenie Meyer}

Thank you MixxyLion! Thank you Knittingvamp7! Thank you KatieBelle! Thank you HopeStreet!

*scroll to end for important author's notes*

Please don't hate me so much!

________

One ring.

Two rings.

The third ring never came, because someone answered the phone. My heart was beating so hard it was almost deafening.

"Hello?" I spoke after a long silence. It was her; it had to be her. Anyone else would have answered by now. Bella, my sweet beautiful, Bella. "Bella..." The confirmation I needed came in a little soft sigh that was more of relief than contentment. "I'm sorry, Bella..." I'm sorry for leaving. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for being a coward. I'm sorry for making you worry. I'm so fucking sorry.

The called ended at fifty-six seconds.

________

Bella - Thursday, August 20, 2009

It's official. I am the stupidest girl on the face of the universe, and I should be ashamed of myself! After finally willing the strength to end the call with Edward, I proceeded to pace around the room and mumble to myself like some lunatic.

"Bella…" My name on his lips was sinful and welcoming, and the all too obvious feeling of longing seemed to throb in my chest.

"I'm sorry, Bella…" His words where a meticulous and broken whisper that held on to the air in my lungs with such a tight grip I thought I would collapse.

I could lie and pretend that I didn't feel it again -- that I couldn't vividly remember that pull he had on me. I could always manage becoming busy enough to take him off of my mind for days. It was harder in the beginning, but the more I tried, the more I found I could manage without thinking about him. It all came crashing down on Thursdays -- all my success and will power snapped on that consistent and fucking punctual call each Thursday -- the one I unconsciously waited for at seven sharp -- the one that had me canceling appointments, late night dates and events so I could wait for it like some faithful dog.

It was the only time I heard from him -- the only way I could find out if he was okay, if he was still breathing -- to think how much it infuriated me in the beginning and how much I welcome it now.

I hadn't noticed. I truly had been in such a daze for the entire first six months of his departure and had been so careful so not to think about him that I hadn't noticed my ridiculous attachment to that damn phone call. Last Thursday when the minutes started to pass, then an hour, then another, I thought I was again losing my mind.

It was back to the very beginning. It was losing him all over again. It was torn letters and restless nights and re-opening the damn wound I had managed to seal shut.

The others avoided mentioning him around me at all cost. It took me almost a month, but I had gotten rid of all evidence of his presence in my apartment. He was more than just gone at this point. He was absent from more than just my life. I thought I had successfully managed to erase him, pretend everything that happened between us was just a figment of my imagination, but I was oh so very wrong. That missed call brought with it the understanding that every fiber of my being missed Edward Cullen and that every nerve in my brain hated him for it.

The knock at the door startled me into consciousness, and I found myself trying to hide my phone. I settled for my pocket and went to check through the peep hole. It was Jacob -- my Jacob, my salvation, my boyfriend. I sighed and rested my forehead against the door. If I was with Jacob now and I was happy with him, then how come I still haven't been able to fully succeed in getting Edward out of my system? If I was with Jacob now and I was happy with him, then how come I still haven't let myself sleep with him, even if we have been together for over four months already?

I opened the door for him. The guilt made my stomach turn when I was met with such a wide and happy smile. He deserves so much more than this.

"Hey babe!" He spoke leaning in to give me a soft kiss on the lips and continuing on to the kitchen. It was then I noticed all the bags in his hands. "I know your class for tomorrow was canceled so I thought we could watch movies tonight and eat junk food."

"Sure," I answered, closing the door and resting my body against it. I sighed remembering the many times Edward had pressed me against it in a goodbye kiss that would always leave my knees trembling.

"I brought the classics: 'Halloween,' 'Nightmare on Elm Street' and 'The Exorcist'! We have to watch 'The Exorcist' last, though, 'cause that one is the funniest!" His words were so enthusiastic; they jumbled together as he tried to speak them. He took out some beer, chips and salsa, and I sighed wondering why I haven't told him that I hate horror movies. They were predictable, unrealistic and boring, and I found no real urge to watch any of them. Still, I sucked it up and put a smile on my face for him, because I enjoyed the company, and considering I have another man on my mind, the least he deserves is for me to just try to enjoy this with him.

________

His heavy body rested against mine, and after letting his hair fall from the loose pony tail he always wore, it covered my face like a curtain before I fisted my hands in it, almost too harshly. Our tongues were tangled, and my legs wrapped around his waist, forcing his erection to rub against me. His hands were slowly inching up my shirt, and I arched my back to urge him on. Once his hands moved under my bra to cup my breast, my eyes snapped opened. His touch was soft and caring, and I was too aware that it wasn't Edward who was touching me. it was Jacob, and he didn't know that soft touches never did much for me. I could feel my cheeks burning. I had been thinking about him again, trying to picture his body pressed against mine, and for a second it worked.

I needed a way to make this stop, to find a way that makes the difference so big that I couldn't compare them anymore. I needed Jacob to help me forget. I needed him to make Edward go away. It seemed desperate and cruel, but I needed this. It was the only way. Not only was Edward gone, but I was in a relationship with another man, and I am willing to take things to the next level just to prove this to myself.

"Jacob… did you bring the condoms?" I asked between kisses, letting his hair go so I could hide the blush on my cheeks from him. His kisses abruptly stopped, and he moved to face me, locking his eyes with mine, trying to find something that most likely wasn't there.

"Bella, are you sure?" he asked, searching my eyes and furrowing his brow in concern. I shut my eyes to him and nodded, though every nerve in my body yelled in reluctance. The nervous giggles came when he picked me up and carried me to my bedroom, placing me on it carefully before stepping out.

I dropped my head onto the pillows and sighed, covering my eyes with my palms. I wanted to scream, the frustration and the confusion fogging my brain. This was an act of desperation, but if I wanted this relationship to work it was necessary. I would have wanted things to progress in good time, but with Edward on my mind, things could never progress, I would just be delaying the inevitable. Because I know that I will never find something remotely close to what I had with Edward, but I'd be dammed if I didn't try to at least find the spark he would always ignite within me.

"Bella, there is no way I'm doing this if you're not ready." Jacob's voice broke me out of my thoughts, and I removed my hands from my eyes in a hurry, searching the room for him. He was leaning against the door frame, shirtless, hair back into its usual ponytail. "I'm in no hurry."

I shook my head at him and stretched my arms beckoning to me. "No, I'm just nervous., Don't worry about it." I was lying, and everyone who knew me enough would have known that I was lying. The fact that Jacob couldn't tell made me uneasy.

Things progressed, eventually, with the usual awkward moments and giggles, and soon we were nude. Jacob settled at my entrance. He hesitated and looked into my eyes for what seemed like an eternity, but then I kissed him and bucked my hips. He growled in response, trying to contain himself. I watched him put on the condom. He was large, and I knew it would be painful since it had been so long for me. I found myself again sighing and trying to convince him that everything was fine.

He entered me slowly, but I couldn't reward myself with the satisfaction of being right. It was painful, and though I was expecting it, it didn't make it hurt less. His eyes searched my face for signs, and he stopped on occasion to let my body accommodate him. Though I was ashamed of using him for such a horrible cause, I was thankful that he cared so much about me that he was willing to be patient. Once he was completely seated inside me and he was absolutely still, I could feel how erratic his heart was beating. I arched my back and moved my hips when I was ready to continue.

He set a slow pace at first. Surprisingly enough, my body began to react. I found myself lolling my head back and moaning softly. This encouraged him, creating a faster pace that I enjoyed even more. Things were progressing softly, his face was pressed against my neck, and his hands were digging at my waist, It was going fine. He turned me then, my stomach pressed against the mattress and my face resting against the pillow. He entered me this time in a swift motion, which wasn't uncomfortable then.

I was close, in this odd sort of way, and I knew because I was clenching the pillows and moaning softly. I knew Jacob was close too because he was grunting against my shoulder and our bodies were sweaty and burning hot. I closed my eyes in concentration because even with how close I was, I just couldn't get there. This frustrated me to no end. I reached my hand to rub against myself, the friction from the position and Jacob behind me made me gasp and shiver suddenly. However, Jacob took it the wrong way, and soon he collapsed onto my back after his release.

Later, Jacob was lying on his back, his hand covering his eyes, his chest rising and falling with a soft little snore that was barely noticeable. He had taken a shower and had let his hair down; it was still damped over his shoulders and chest. I sighed and watched him. He was beautiful. There was no doubt about it, but he could never be Edward, and taking things to this level helped to put many things in perspective.

It worried me so much that I would never again be fulfilled, that I would never be happy and that I would have to settle for being almost content. How could Edward be the only person to make me feel that way? So carefree and fulfilled, knowing I didn't have to lie because he knew when I was lying, that I didn't have to hide anything because he would always catch it, that I didn't have to ask for much because he would always know what I needed. How could he have managed to scar me in such a profound way that I will never be the same, that I will always compare him to every other person I will ever be with? He left, and with him he took something I will never be able to replace. What that is I probably will never figure out, because even if I am well aware of what I feel for him, I know I'll never have him back in my life. He is gone now, and I have to move on.

Still, I thought back and compared, compared even though there was no comparison, and remembered how Edward could read me like a book.

Friday June 1, 2007 (now 2 years and 1 month ago)

It had been more than a month since Edward and I had taken things to the next level, and though in the beginning it didn't happen on a regular basis, it was starting to become a common activity. We hadn't told a soul, and even if on occasion I felt the soft sting of guilt, the pleasure Edward brought my body made a lot of lines blur and shift.

I never paid much attention to how important a sexual relationship could be, and to be honest, I thought it was all overrated. I knew of relationships that never could work because the sex was never good enough or the very reason couples stayed together was because of the great chemistry in bed. I never understood the dynamic of this connection until now. Edward made my first time intense and beautiful.The patience and care he showed will forever amaze me. I also felt lucky,having heard all the horror stories of first times. Mine was hardly painful, shared with a person I trusted, who took his time preparing me and making sure I took at least some pleasure out of it.

There was one small detail missing, and even without making a big deal out of it, I knew Edward was very well aware of it. I still hadn't experienced an orgasm strictly from penetration. Edward knew this.He knew because of the way he would sigh when my fingers would reach for my center every time. I was aware that not every woman could reach this type of orgasm. I had read countless of articles on the subject and cracked my brain thinking that maybe there was something wrong with me, but some women were just not wired that way.

Once again we found ourselves making excuses to our friends on a Friday to meet at my place, attacking each other at the door and removing clothes before reaching the bedroom,It was almost exciting to have a secret. Our tangled bodies hit the bed, but Edward's mouth never stopped its assault on my neck, and his hands continued sliding down the zipper on my shorts, trying to remove the item. My hands fisted the sheets of the bed, and my back arched when he moved his hands up to my breast to pinch almost roughly.

"God, it was hard to keep my hands off you today," he whispered in a low voice against my collarbone before running his tongue over it. We had been out all day at Emmett's summer little league football game, helping him with the kids and cheering them on.It was something we had promised Rosalie we would do for him every other week. "Those shorts were designed to torture me!" he continued to mumble, and I giggled when his five o' clock shadow tickled the side of my neck. I knew what he meant. I had spent the entire day watching him as well -- the way his biceps stood out from under the white t-shirt he wore, all sweaty from playing around all day, and the way his muscles would flex when he would pick one of the boys up and ran with them like a football, avoiding Jasper and Emmett and scoring his 'touch down.' I should have been ashamed for letting my thoughts run where they did with kids all around us, but there was no way I could stop myself. After having experienced the joys of having Edward memorize every inch of my body and kiss every scar and beauty mark, having him show me just exactly what his body could do when pressed against mine, it was hard to shut the memory off.

One of his hands was replaced by his mouth which sucked and tugged on my nipple. He moaned against it, seeming so absorbed with the taste. I wanted him so bad already, but was too afraid to ask, too afraid to urge him on, still my hips bucked when his hand started sliding down my side. I knew exactly where I needed that hand to be. He shifted his attention to my other nipple and finally traced my entrance with his finger.

"My God, Bella! You're so fucking wet!" he hissed, resting his forehead in the valley between my breasts, and I again found myself bucking my hips when his fingers entered me. They began a steady rhythm, and on occasion he would turn them and hit a very sensitive spot that would cause me to hold my breath and grunt softly. I was getting so close, and I tangled my hands in his hair and let my head fall back, but I could not release before his fingers left me. I looked up at him in wonder and wide eyed knowing there was not a good enough explanation as to why he had stopped. I held back the urge to hurt him when I saw a cocky little smirk resting across his lips.

"I hate you! That was not..." I was silenced by his mouth that gently sucked on my bottom lip and then parted to run his tongue over my bottom lip.The intoxicating feeling of it suddenly made me forget my words. I wrapped my legs around him and deepened the kiss by holding his face closer to mine., His hands struggled to remove his pants while our lips were locked.

He was so hard and warm rubbing against my entrance, and he moaned in between our lips when I began to move my hips against him. I wasn't going to wait any more, so I reached my hand between us and placed him at my entrance. I gasped when we were finally, fully connected. His thrusts were frantic and almost animalistic. In between some of his thrusts, he'd leave me completely and come back all the way inside me. This action caused my back to arch and left my knees shaking. I didn't want it to be over yet. I was starving for him in a way that I craved for the moment to last as long as it possibly could.


Then Edward shifted his body slightly to the right, and he angled himself in such a way that I was gasping and scratching at his back in an almost frantic need. I lost the air in my lungs, and my eyes were completely rolled to the back of my head. "Is that it, baby?" he whispered in my ear, but I couldn't answer him. I understood his words, but I couldn't form any of my own., It was all too much. He thrust harder, and I whimpered. I had never experienced anything so intense, and I wanted to release so badly, but his angle made it impossible for me to reach my hand to be able to touch myself. He thrust harder, and my legs began to shake again; the room was spinning. My hands slid from his back all the way down to his ass where I squeezed and attempted to push him even farther into me. "Is that your spot, baby? You want it right there?" I gasped loudly, trying to bring some air back into my lungs, and I nodded my answer. "Are you gonna cum for me, Bella?" The question was a soft little whisper on the crook of my neck, and it dizzied me suddenly before my entire being shook.

The feeling exploded from my belly and spread through my body. I became shattered glass as if from a gun shot. I was nothing but colorful, rolling marbles down a flight of stairs. I was the sound wave of an atomic bomb.

Once I returned to the earth, I noticed Edward was shaking above me.In my metamorphosis I noticed that he had cum with me. After a long silence as we returned to normal from the intense high of our coupling, we finally locked eyes. An intense shiver caused me to whimper and close my eyes tightly. I was rewarded with the most wonderful sound in the world; Edward's laughter filled the room and tickled my collarbone.

"What's so funny?" I asked, trying to sound annoyed, but the smile I wore gave me away.

"You have after shivers!" he explained between laughs, falling to his back and cradling me into his chest. I shivered again.It felt like small little traces of the most intense feeling I've ever experienced still lingering under my skin. I understood what he meant then and sighed in contentment.

"That was..." I trailed off trying to find the right words to explain it.

"An orgasm, Bella," Edward concluded.

Thursday, August 20, 2009 (Present Day)

I sighed and rolled over to my side to face the window. I couldn't blame Jacob for not knowing. The truth is he did not know me well enough to read me the way that Edward could. There was no way he would know if I didn't tell him, but tell him what? Tell him that I thought of another man on occasion? That I missed him as much I tried to deny it to myself?

I placed my palms on my face and sobbed. It had been almost four months since I last remembered crying. I tried to control the cries that ripped through me then, trying not to wake the man that slept by my side. Edward was gone, dammit! He was gone, and with him he took my ability to forgive and, even worse, forget him.

"I'm sorry, Bella…" His words still echoed in my head.

A/N

Thank you to HopeStreet that saved me by doing an amazing job of being a beta for this chapter. My other two beta's were extremely busy which of course I completely understand!

Again real life is kicking me really hard right now so I apologize for my slow updating, plus this chapter and the next are very hard chapters to write, so they may not be my best chapters. The next chapter might not contain a lemon, but it will have a very interesting ending if things all go according to plan... *giggles* Stay tuned babes and remember to let me know all your thoughts and questions in your reviews or come and chat with me in Google chat: Lethologica86 (at) gmail (dot) com. You can also stop by the thread in the Twilight forum and leave some love.

Also, today's special thanks goes to KatieBelleCullen for making me laugh till I had tears in my eyes. Please check out her profile, read all her stuff, but pay close attention to her story "Midnight Caller." I am rooting for this story to be continued, and I want her to be all pumped up when she does,So go review her stories and make sure you tell her Lethologica sent you. P.S. She likes, rough, dirty talking, possessive, darkward probably more than all of us combined.


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