Rating: PG, you know, for fairy tale-ish stuff… oh, and insanity. Lots of insanity.
Feedback: I'd like that, thank you.
Distribution: At the moment, here. If someone wants it, I'd really appreciate it if you would ask me, please. I would also be completely shocked.
Spoilers: Not a single thing.
Disclaimer: All characters are owned by Mutant Enemy (Joss Whedon), a wonderfully creative company whose characters I have borrowed for a completely profit-free flight of fancy. Kindly do not sue me, please, as I am terrified of you. Thank you.
Author's Note: And they all died, the end. Kidding, kidding!
Okay Romeo, why ain't ya kissing your Juliet?
"She's not exactly alone in there."
Oh, you mean the karaoke guy, the Watcher and the other vampire? There's no need to get all bashful in front of them; they're completely zoned out.
"Not whom I was referring to."
"Look for yourself."
Fine. I'll go inside with you. See, nothing's wrong. The Three Good Beings are slumbering away, Rose is still tucked in, and… who threw that enormous hat rack on her racecar bed?
"That's no hat rack."
With that, the object in question moved. As the narrator and the vampire watched in silent disbelief, the supposed hat rack was revealed to be a pair of slime-dripping antlers, which were attached to a rather mild-mannered looking chaos demon who appeared to have just finished thoroughly bussing Black Rose. Worse yet, she was beginning to stir.
Shooting a highly apologetic look at the vampire, the narrator quickly grabbed the chaos demon by its icky antlers, threw the blanket off the brooding-vampire-shaped hole in the outer wall, and flung him into the moat hundreds of feet below, where he landed with a resounding splash.
"Sorry! Didn't know she was spoken for!" he called back up to the remaining beings in the tower.
William suddenly found himself being propelled towards the pink kiddie bed, and not a moment too soon.
Black Rose's blue eyes fluttered open, and she yawned delicately. Looking around in slight confusion, she suddenly noticed the vampire hovering above her.
"William! What have you done to yourself?" she asked in surprise as she took in his blond hair and black leather.
"I, uh, well, that is…" he stammered incoherently.
"You look even more delicious than one of Daddy's blood sundaes with chocolate marshmallow ice cream and rainbow sprinkles!" she enthused as she grabbed him by his lapels and proceeded to kiss him half back to life again.
Several hours later, when the kiss finally ended (not having to breath has some pleasant side effects), Rose finally noticed the Three Good Beings littered about the room.
"Why are they still asleep?" Rose cooed in concern
"Not a problem for me. Let 'em keep sleeping for the next thirty years for all I care. No in-laws mucking things up," the blond said as he clasped his sire round the waist and nuzzled her neck affectionately.
"No! They have to wake up now!" the seer demanded almost hysterically, which for her was actually pretty normal.
Don't worry about it. I pressed their snooze buttons for a bit to give you two kids a chance to make googly-eyes at each other in peace. They should be waking up any moment.
"Rose?" asked the dark vampire groggily as he rubbed his fists in his eyes, making himself look positively adorable. "Are you alright?"
"Daddy!" she squealed as she threw herself across the room and flung her arms around his neck.
"I do believe I've regained consciousness as well," said the librarian as he slowly stretched.
"Excuse me, oh English one, but would you mind not sticking your thumb in my eyeball?" the karaoke demon, who was always on the grumpy side first thing in the morning, complained loudly as he woke up.
"I'm so very glad you've all woken up. I could see your dreams, and they were making a great disturbance in the force," Rose chided as she nodded her head.
"Um, you say you saw our dreams, sugar apple?" asked the green one, and I ain't speakin' of Kermit.
"Yes. But yours were very strange. Everybody was singing and dancing and doing high kicks and drinking sea breezes and discussing eighteenth century politics. I never knew you were in favor of the laissez-faire policies of the pre-Revolutionary society in France," the vampiress pouted. "Naughty."
Everyone stared at the lounge lizard.
"What? I can't have interests outside of Manilow?"
It looked like a happy ending for our friends, when all of a sudden, who should saunter into the room but evil Prince Lindsey of the country of Wolfram & Hart.
"Thanks for waking her up for me, blond boy, but she's all mine now," he twanged in a heavier than usual Southern accent.
"What are you talking about, you evil fiend?" the specified blond boy queried menacingly, which really was the pot calling the kettle black, in my humble opinion.
"Lawyers versus vampires? No question. The legal eagles are more evil. And I dare you to type that three times fast."
The legal eagles are more evil. The legeagles are morevil. The evil eagles are more legal. Hah! Did it. Oh, wait, guess I didn't. Anyway, as our arch-villain was saying…
"I've got an agreement here signed by the king and queen stating clearly that I am to have Rose's hand in marriage. Back out of it, and I'll sue you for breach of contract. Nyah-nyah!" gloated the truly nefarious attorney.
"Now, hold on a moment. I'll not have our Rose being forced into some sort of-of a-a-rranged marriage!" declared the bookman vehemently.
Then things got really serious. You could tell because he took off his glasses and got "that look" in his eyes.
"If you intend to take Rose by force, you'd best realize that you won't live through the day, even if it means I rip you limb from limb with my bare hands," the Watcher declared in tones that made females everywhere melt into boneless heaps.
"Kind of been there, done that already," Southern man nonchalantly replied. "I had it replaced from stock parts."
"Look here, mate. You can't marry my girl because I'm planning on doing that meself," he shot a sheepish look at the brunette in question, "uh, if she agrees, that is."
"Of course I'll marry you, you silly Billy!" the vampiress said petulantly.
"Aw, how sweet! Our little girl's getting' hitched," the tuneful one declared as he honked his nose on an orange paisley handkerchief.
The broodster looked a bit whistful at the thought of losing his daughter to a vampire he'd met only two minutes before, but he patted her on the head and said "If it'll make you happy, Rose, you have my blessing."
"Thanks, Dad!" chimed in the groom-to-be.
"Shut up. I don't like you all that much."
"That's all very sweet, but I'll sue you to an inch of your lives. Or unlives, as the case may be."
Everyone was looking very unhappy, except for the gleeful lawyer, when the narrator decided to intervene once more. Poof! Who should appear in the room but the previously convicted debutante.
"Hey, you're kind of cute," she purred at him.
"You're not too bad yourself," he said, sizing her and her possible bank account up. "Allow me to sing you a totally out of character love song whilst playing this guitar that has materialized from nowhere. Feelings! Whoa, whoa, whoa, feelings! Whoa, whoa, whoa, feelings! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!"
Wooed by the moronic tones of the worst song that God ever permitted to be created by mortal pen, the debutante fell head over 5-inch heels in love with the evil attorney.
"Let's skip this dripfest and head to Vegas," she suggested.
"Sounds good to me. Oh, the contract? Cancelled," he declared as he exited.
There was suddenly a very high-pitched squeak of surprise from the dark haired vampire as he left.
"Sorry. Evil hand," he snarked as he disappeared down the charred stairwell.
Later that day, the king and queen finally met their adopted daughter, only to find out they had to fork over the cash for a highly expensive triple wedding that was set for two hours from their first sight of her.
I always take care of my characters, broody pumpkin.
"Consider yourself lucky, Pops. I got sugarfangs."
Having earned his redemption for all his evil deeds through his tireless devotion to his adoptive daughter, not unlike Jean Valjean, the dark-haired vampire was permitted to marry the love of his unlife, the Slayer.
"Hey! Not bad! I haven't even been in this thing since the baby shower, and I still get my man! I just came back to remind the king and queen that the gift certificate for psychotherapy that I got Rose way back when is finally ready for use."
"Nothing doing! I like her loopy!"
As for the ex-Watcher, he found out that his former girlfriend, who everyone thought had been found dead in his upstairs bedroom, had just been napping for the past three and half years. She finally woke up, rushed into the arms of our favorite English librarian, and was swept into a mind-numbing kiss.
"Oh, my goodness. How very, very pleasant!"
So, the three brides in snowy white dresses processed down the aisle to their respective grooms. Of course, it took awhile to convince Rose that Windowshade, who had been chosen to serve as flower girl, wasn't struck by stage fright but was, in fact, incapable of walking down the carpet unaided. As the group took their vows, the owner of the karaoke bar serenaded them some of his more sentimental favorites.
"My heart will go on and on!"
Oddly enough, this particular song made all three grooms break down into uncontrollable sobs.
"Poor Jack! Poor Rose!"
"Robbed of true love by a ruddy iceberg!"
"I brooded about that movie for three weeks afterward!"
Oh, shut up. Two of you don't even have hearts that "go on and on" anymore.
"I just thought of something. Narrator?"
What's up, oh chosen one?
"Can't we get the singer a honey, too? I mean, I don't really know the guy, but he seems pretty nice. Any prospects?"
With that, who should stride through the door but Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul herself.
"I have died and gone to heaven!" enthused the green one.
"Come on, sugar! Hop in my pink Cadillac and let's take a ride on the Freeway of Love!"
The green demon scurried out the door, belting out one last song in parting.
"So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersane!"
As the moon rose high in the sky under a blanket of deep blue speckled with diamond-stars, the three happy couples kissed each other as violins played and the credits rolled. The end.
"Not so fast. Aren't you forgetting something?"
Uh, the punch bowls are filled with raspberry sherbet and AB+, the cocktail weenies are all cooked to perfection, the king and queen are leading the rest of the residents of Sunnydale in a Conga line, you've got your honeymoon tickets to exotic Helsinki, Finland…
It's winter there. Daylight only lasts for about twenty minutes. Thought it might be useful. Anyway, the villains are out of the picture, everybody is living happily ever after; nope, can't think of a thing.
I already tipped the DJ, and the rabbi/Anglican minister/Catholic priest/pagan presider, and believe you me, finding one guy with all those credentials on a couple hours notice was not easy.
"Think back. Chapter Seven? Ringing any bells?"
Gave you the duster and the car, which has adorable little white crepe paper vampire bats hanging off it right now, by the way.
"You also gave me something else. A promise."
Shoot. I was hoping it'd slip your mind, what with all the bliss and stuff.
Oh, alright. As I promised, I will now reveal the contents of that little conversation. In order to make up for my late arrival which resulted in your chippage, I'll ltunrttaneksty.
"A bit clearer, pet."
Fine! I'm letting you narrate the next story!
As the other characters all gaped in horror first at the narrator and then at the blond vampire who held their collective literary fate in his hands, a particularly evil grin curled his lips.
"Buckle up, kids. William's puttin' the hammer down!"
What have I done?