Diary Of A Lonesome Girl
It was a supposedly beautiful morning, but not for me. It never was a beautiful morning to me. You wanna know why? Think about it this way. Would you think it was a beautiful morning if you woke up on a bus bench? Yeah. Didn't think so. I checked the cheap watch that limply held onto my wrist. It was five in the morning. Why in the world was I up at five a.m.? Sighing, I pulled out my diary and began to write in it…
Another day without a home. I've been seriously thinking about going to an adoption center. It would be much easier than living out here on the streets. The weather is getting colder and though I lived through it last year, there is almost no way I will be able to live through it this year. I kept thinking about it and right now there are only two options. Go live in that abandoned tree house a couple blocks down or go to an adoption center. And though it would be easier to go to an adoption center, think of how hard it would be to leave once I got adopted. I wouldn't want to leave all the wonderful friends I would make there and losing friends that would get adopted before me. I don't think my heart could take any more pain than it is already in. My parents don't love me, which is why I was kicked out in the first place. I'm the school loser. I'm not loved by one person in this world. The only person I know that loves me is God... And Jesus. And though I know for a fact that that should be good enough for me, I still feel empty inside. I wish I had someone to love me…
I sighed once again and stuck the diary in my bag. I can't believe it's been a year since I was kicked out and my parents really don't care for me anymore. I don't even know the reason as to why I was kicked out. I was finishing up the 10th grade this year and I was somewhat happy. The only friend I ever had was Kate and she's long gone. She left the state after the eighth grade. I have not made one friend since.
I got off the bench and decided to go over to the abandoned tree house on 32nd street. I figured if that was a current option for a new home, I might as well check it out. Once I got to the tree house, I climbed up the rickety old ladder. Once inside, I noticed old posters and such everywhere. Someone decided not to clean out their stuff when they abandoned their home along with the tree house. But I wasn't worried about that. In fact, there was nothing to worry about. This place looked pretty cozy. It had some old blankets and stuff. I could wash them at the beach in those showers that they have and use those. It would be better than sleeping very uncomfortably on a bus bench. I thought that I would come back after school and start tidying things up a bit. This would soon be my new home…
I went to school with a small smile on my face. Once I walked inside, everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me. One kid shouted, "IS SHE SMILING?" Then there were whispers saying, "My gosh. That kid was right. Tabitha is smiling." Soon I heard giggles and laughter and more whispering. I didn't mind though. The only thing that mattered was that I would have a place to call my own.
Or so I thought.
After school, I went over to the tree house, or, home and found that someone was climbing up the ladder. Who could that have been? I went under the tree house and yelled up the ladder, "Hello?" All of a sudden it grew quiet. "Is someone up there?" After another minute, I saw a head poke into the hole of where the ladder came up through, brown hair hanging on either side of her beautiful, innocent face.
"Who are you?" The strangely familiar girl asked. "Why are you here? What do you want?"
"Um… My name is Tabitha. Tabitha Scott. May I ask who you are?" She nervously looked at me. "Do you want me to honestly tell you why I'm here first?"
She smiled innocently and said, "Please?"
I sighed and said, "I was hoping I would be able to use this place for a home. My parents kicked me out of my house last year. I was going to live here. But I guess it belongs to you." I looked down and started to walk away. "I guess I'll just go."
"Wait!" The girl called out. I turned back around to face her. "I'm in the same situation as you. I just found this yesterday. I've walked all the way across the state to find a comfortable enough home like this… but I'm willing to share it." She gave me a small but genuine smile.
"Really?" She nodded. "Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure. Oh, by the way, my name is Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn Scott."
My eyes widened. "Sc- Scott?" I remembered having a sister with the name Kaitlyn. She just looked down at me and nodded.
After a minute she said, "Wait a second… Tabitha Scott… That name sounds familiar-" She immediately stopped herself. "Tabby?" I looked at her with a sort of satisfaction in my smile. I was happy that she remembered me. I nodded and she said, "I wondered where you had been! Mom and dad always said that you were kidnapped. I can't believe I bought that lie along with so many others they had told me."
"You're telling me." I climbed up the ladder and we talked until about five-thirty.
"We should probably go down to the beach and wash these blankets so that we have them to sleep on tonight."
"You're probably right…" We picked up the blankets and took them to the beach. It was only about two blocks down from our new… Home. I still couldn't believe I finally had a home and my sister back. At least some of my life was falling back into place…
"So… You wanna know the truth behind my story?"
"Uh… I guess. How did you end up here?" I asked as we turned on the showers.
"The truth is that I didn't get kicked out of the house. I ran away." I looked over to her.
"No." I said in shock.
"Yes." I shook my head. "After a while, I stopped believing mom and dad with them saying you were kidnapped or you died or you were on some trip with your friend. I stopped believing it after they kept telling a different story on why you weren't at home. I wanted to find you and… well… here I am!" I just smiled and pulled her into a hug. She ran away just to find me. But wait…
"Won't mom and dad want to come and look for you?"
She smiled. "That's the whole idea. If they find me, they find you. I won't go back unless they bring you with. I've worked too hard for this and I don't plan on losing it all because of… them." And that's what we both continued to believe for the next two months.
. . .
It was the middle of the night when I heard police sirens in front of the house. What would they be doing here? Only one way to find out… I was about to climb down the ladder when Kaitlyn said, "I'll go. Be back in a minute…" And some lie that was. After about two minutes, I heard her shout, "WAIT!!! NO! WHAT ABOUT TABBY? TABBY!!!" I quickly jumped down to the floor and dashed to the front yard.
That's when I saw them. My eyes got all wet from the tears that were forming all too quickly in my eyes. "Wh… what are you guys doing here?" My 'parents' just turned their heads the other way and acted like snobs. After a minute of silence and stare-downs, my mom said:
"Come on, Kaitlyn." She took a strong hold of her arm as my father went over to the police officers to confirm Kaitlyn had been identified and found. "I thought I would let you know that we're moving." She paused. "To England. Bye Tabitha Lyn Scott."
"BUT MOM! It's not fair! Why can't Tabitha come live with us again?" Kaitlyn asked, tears streaming down her face with pleading eyes.
"It's complicated. Now get in the car. I'll be there in a minute." Kaitlyn just sniffled, gave me a tight hug and whispered in my ear. She pulled back from the hug and smiled. I gave her the same smile; a smile that can get as genuine as genuine gets. She looked at me one last time and went to the car, the car door slamming behind her.
"I guess this is goodbye, huh mom?" I looked at her as if she were a criminal, and she was. She stole my love, my sister, everything that I loved and cherished. I just turned my back to her and waited for her to say something. And when she did, I felt horrible.
"Tabby," my mom's quiet voice said. I smiled. It's been a while since I've heard her say that. "It wasn't my fault. I love you all, but your father…" She sighed as I slowly started to face her again. "Your father didn't want you. I love him and I love Kaitlyn just the same as I love you. I promise you, Tabby…" She gave me the tightest hug I could ever possibly receive. "I'll be back. I mean," She looked at Kaitlyn who was smiling. "We'll be back. I won't forget that. I promise." She gave me a kiss on the cheek and hugged me one last time before dad came over after talking to the police. She mouthed to me 'I'm sorry' and started to get all fake angry, though anyone but my so-called father could tell that she hates doing this. "AND DON'T YOU EVER THINK ABOUT COMING TO FIND US YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE CHILD! IF YOU DO, SO HELP ME-!"
"Honey, calm down. She wouldn't dare to find us. We have police keeping a close eye on you…" He gave me the scariest glare I would ever see. My mom was trying to hold in tears, but that failed. A single tear rolled down her cheek as she started to walk away. And with that, they left.
I just looked down and thought about my diary. Well, I guess it's time to write in the diary of a lonesome girl… And that lonesome girl has been and always will be me.
I guess happy stories don't always end up with the happy ending they anti-cipated, huh? I know I didn't. In fact, it wasn't even a happy story. I never have, and never will, end up with a happy story. My dad doesn't love me. My mom and sister are forced to move all the way to England. I bet that by next year, they'll have all forgotten about me. Everyone else will. Oh… I guess I have to go to bed. From now on, you will be updated as frequently as possible. Who knows what'll happen now that everyone and anyone that has ever loved me has left?
I decided to try and get some sleep, but all I could think about was everything that was said tonight. So my mom really did love me… It was father that I should be mad at and hate… But I just couldn't stand the fact of hating my father. He helped me into this world, but he threw me straight back out of his life. I'm only 15 years old, I thought. What could I have done for so much hatred from my own flesh and blood? Already becoming dreadfully tired, I lie down and closed my eyes.
I… I see a gleaming light headed straight for me… It's not a car, but rather a soft, dim glow, almost the color of a breathtaking purple. It came closer and closer. I wonder what it is…
I hear a faint voice whisper, "Stay strong. Not many can survive what you have, and will, face." I look around to see who was there, but then I'm swirling into a never-ending darkness. I feel dizzy. All of a sudden, I feel as if I'm not in my own body, but another body, watching me slowly fall to who-knows-where. What's happening? My body, the body that I felt I wasn't in, started screaming. I look down into the darkness, but I see nothing. What's going on?
I look around once more, but see that I am on hard, cold concrete. How could I have survived that fall? I wondered. Out of nowhere, I see a young, familiar looking boy with a distinct look on his face, as if he's looking for some-thing. He doesn't seem to notice me until his glare meets me dead in the eye. He started running to me, but he didn't seem to be getting any closer. Suddenly he's standing next to me, giving me a stare so icy and cold, that it seemed to make me freeze. I couldn't scream, I couldn't move, I couldn't even speak. He whispered in my ear, his warm breath melting away the frozen body that once felt like mine, but now as if it were someone else, "It was you. It's all your fault. That's why you're not loved. How could you?" My eyes welled up with tears as I used all my energy to pull myself together.
I looked him dead in the eye. "I don't know what the heck you're talking about." But this was a lie to even myself. How could I have forgotten? Everyone else seems to remember it so clearly. Why can't I see what happened as clearly and vividly as everyone else?
As if the 17-year-old boy had been reading my mind, he said, "I don't know how you could've forgotten such a sad event that happened to be all your fault. You know that they died because of you. It's all your fault."
I looked down and back up to the skies, "WHY? Why must you torture me? It wasn't my fault! I know it! Things happen for a reason… right? There surely must've been a reason. God needed you in Heaven. That's what happened. It couldn't have been my fault…" I felt dizzy once more and fainted. After a while of all this going on, it fell silent. All of which had just happened… It seemed all too real, yet as if it was all just a dream. I couldn't get myself to believe it wasn't my fault. Why must it go on like this? Why can't I get over the past?
I looked back over to the boy, wanting to know who it was that brought back such a painful memory in my head. He wasn't anywhere in sight. I looked back up at the sky and crossed my arms over my stomach, feeling more self-conscious... As if someone were watching me. My eyes well up with tears once more as I think about my dead siblings. "Zac… Lizzie… I'm sorry…" I whisper softly, quietly, painfully…
I awoke to someone rustling in the bushes just beside the tree house. I quickly covered myself with the blankets. What if someone came back to reclaim the tree house? I couldn't risk being caught up here! "Hello?" I heard a voice, a strangers' voice, say. I wondered about who it could possibly be. I knew everyone that didn't know me, which was everybody. He must be a new kid, I thought to myself. Maybe I can make a friend in this cruel place that we call home. "Is anyone there? Are you alright? I heard screaming." The screaming in my dream. I must've been sleep talking. I heard the ladder starting to sway; back and forth, back and forth. Suddenly I realized whom that voice belonged to.
The boy in my dream. How could that have happened? I thought he was just some character in my dream. Now he's… Real? What was his name? Who was he and what did he want? How could he have known about the accident? Was he just some character in my dream? Was it just bizarre timing that I meet a boy that has the same voice as the boy who knew about the accident and made me believe it was all my fault; which I'm sure it was. It was all my fault. I hear his voice in my head: 'It was you. It's all your fault. That's why you're not loved. How could you?' I couldn't believe it…
"H- hello." I was stuttering so badly. I lifted the covers and put them to the side. I was scared half to death that he just might make these haunting memories come back to mind. "Wh- who are you? Wh- what do you w- want?"
"I don't know who you are but… are you okay? I heard you screaming and I wasn't sure if someone was hurt or if it was just me." He said, only his curly head visible as he reached the top of the ladder. He got all the way up and looked at me. I could've sworn my heart skipped a beat. He was gorgeous, but… I couldn't. I couldn't let my feelings get to me again. I can't get close to anyone. I don't know how I survived this long, but I can't afford to lose someone I so foolishly get close to as I did with Kate and Kaitlyn.
I lost my breath and I felt as if the world stopped. I was telling myself 'Say something stupid! Don't just sit there like an idiot! Say something!' "Um… Yeah." I said, my breath still uneven as the air filled my lungs. "I'm… fine. Just fine." I wrapped the blanket around my shoulders and just sat there, staring at him. How could he look so perfect, like an angel? He just sat there, playing with his hands. He looked nervous. I then realized that he wasn't just the boy from my dreams, but one of my dead brothers' old best friends. And my sisters' old boyfriend. The sister that died the same night as Zac. Maybe he didn't recognize me… Maybe I could start over with him…
"So… How've you been Tabby? I haven't seen you in a while. Not since…" He glanced up at me then quickly looked back down and whispered, "Not since Lizzie and Zac's death…" Those words made me feel even more as if it were my fault. I couldn't take it. All these memories are coming back to me; haunting me. So he did remember me…
I looked over at Aaron playing with his hands once more. "Do… Do you think it was my fault? Do you think it's my fault they're… gone?" His head shot straight up when I said 'my fault.'
"No! Of course- where would you- why would you even- Wow…" He kept cutting himself off. How adorable… "Of course it's not your fault!" He shook his head and looked me dead in the eye. "How could you even think that?"
"Well… I just thought… Never mind. It's stupid…" I couldn't tell him that he's been in my dreams telling me it's all my fault. Who would look like a big idiot then? Still me. Oh, yeah. That's a great thing to say to him. 'You were in my dreams telling me it's my fault that they died. You were telling me how I could've forgotten such a sad event.' 'Cause that's what you tell someone right? That they said it was all your fault when they don't know what the heck you're talking about?
"Nothing you say is stupid…" He sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulder. I got this weird feeling in my stomach, but I pushed it aside. I don't want to get close to him, I told my self. You can't risk it. "Now tell me. Why would you even think it was your fault? It was an accident. No one could've even begun to try and predict that." He gave me a comforting smile then looked around. "So where's your family? Out?" Those words made me tear up. Yeah. Out of the country. Out of my life. I couldn't tell him that I was kicked out of my own house after Zac and Lizzie died. He would only give me sympathy. He started to look around as I was thinking of how I could possibly respond to that. I saw him throw something in his backpack. Why was he carrying a backpack? And what did he throw in there? It sure did look a lot like my diary… Maybe… Nah… He wouldn't do that… Wait! He's still waiting for my answer! "Well? How's the family?"
"Um… You know…Uh…" I stared into his ocean blue eyes and realized that he might be able to help. I started to cry. I couldn't stay strong and I had this feeling that it would be okay to cry in front of him. I also had a feeling that I wouldn't be able to lie to him. He knows me too well… At least, if this was the Aaron I remember, then he would be able to tell if I was lying. I sighed and said, "I was kicked out. After their death, my dad started getting really aggressive with me and kept telling me that if I didn't want to go to your house to see Kate, then they wouldn't have gone with to see you and-." My eyes went wide.
"Wait… If you're here then…" I looked at him to see him nodding. "So, she's here?" He kept nodding. "Well? What are we waiting for? Let's go!" I took his hand and jumped down from the tree house, skipping taking the ladder. "Come on, you slow poke! You're the one that can take me to her!" He reached the floor and grabbed my wrist. I looked back at him to see his serious, yet adorable face. I wanted to go find her, to find my best friend; the closet thing I had to a sister now. "What's wrong?"
"I want you to tell me what happened. What happened? Tell me." I sighed. This was going to take a while…
"If you say so. Do you have time?"
He nodded. "For you, all the time in the world. You're my little sister, remem-ber?" I sighed and nodded. All he would ever think of me as would be a little sister. I've liked him since my brother introduced me to him. Then I was heartbroken when I found out he was taken by my sister, Lizzie. Which was about a year before I was kicked out of the house. Zac and Lizzie were fifteen years old then. They were twins and a year older than me. So I figured Aaron and I would never be, but hey! A girl can dream, can't she? "So spill."
I sighed. "Ok. So… Well, do you want me to tell you how it happened first? Like, the accident? I've never told anyone and this may be your only chance to hear what happened because I hate repeating those events." He nodded. "Ok. So we were on our way to your house and… We were all laughing about some bizarre joke Zac was telling." I laughed through my sadness. "You know Zac… Always told the corniest jokes. So, anyways, Zac was driving us there when we got to a red light. We were waiting for the turn signal to turn green. Just sitting there patiently when a drunk driver was turning and drove straight into us. I remember it so vividly…" Tears were rolling down my cheeks by now, a blank expression on my face as I stared into space. I was replaying everything that happened so I could tell it exactly the way it happened. "Lizzie was screaming and Zac's car door flung open and he flew out. The impact was so dramatic. Lizzie got out of the car and-" I started to choke. I was now sobbing terribly, but I went on anyways. "She went over to Zac and didn't see a driver coming straight towards her. He was on the phone so he wasn't paying attention to the road.
"The impact killed her instantly." I shook my head. "As for me, I knew what was going on, but I knew I couldn't stop it from happening. When the drunk driver had hit the car, my head flew back and a shard of glass hit my forehead." I touched my forehead as I felt a stinging pain like when the accident happened. I started to get a headache from the pain, but I continued. "I looked out the window to see if Zac and Lizzie were alright. They were the farthest thing from it. Though my head was bleeding, I got out of the car and went over to them. I looked at Lizzie to see her face as white as a ghost. I couldn't bear to look at her like that, so I looked at Zac.
He was lying there, slightly smiling. I went over to him and asked why he was smiling. He said, 'It's my time, Tabby. God wants me; God needs me in Heaven. I have to go, Tabs. Liz and I will see you soon. All in good time Tabs. All in… good time…' His voice faded away and his chest stopped moving. My world stopped all together. I stopped breathing and my world went black as I felt my body hit the concrete. I thought I was dead when I opened my eyes later on to my family surrounding me. Well, Kaitlyn and my mom. Not dad. I saw the look on their faces and I knew Zac and Lizzie were gone. At the time, I didn't understand why my dad wasn't there. But now I understand. Two years ago I realized that I wasn't loved. No one cared about me enough to come after me. My mom didn't have the courage to stand up to my dad, so I got kicked out. They blamed me for the death. They blamed me for everything wrong in their lives. They blamed me for… for being me…" I fell to my knees and sobbed. I felt a comforting hand slip around my shoulder and I knew that it would be alright; that everything would go back to normal… At least as normal as normal can get in my life…