For the record, I find Parker absolutely adorable! It's about time I wrote something about him. It's very short, but hopefully worth the read! The typos and grammatical errors are deliberate, of course :D
Also, I'm Australian, so I say 'mum' not 'mom'. I made an effort, however, to say 'mom' for you lot since Parker is American anyway and wouldn't say 'mum'. It annoyed me, though.... lol.
Enjoy and review!
They're spinning around to the music. I can't understand the words, 'cause they're real mumbly and they don' make sense. Dad says I shouldn't talk like that. He says lots of stuff... like never hitting girls, even if they're asking for it.
A girl at school hit me once and I nearly hit her back, but then I 'membered what dad always says, and I didn't hit her, and then the boys called me chicken so I hit them – it's okay to hit boys if they're the same size as me, dad says, but only if they really deserve it. And dad says I should stand up for other people who can't stand up for 'mselves.
If the en'my is bigger, then I don't fight them, but it's only because I'll get hurt and then dad would have to arredst the person's parents, and mom says that having your parents arrested is really sad... she wouldn't want me to cause that to happen to someone else. Even if they were asking for it.
Anyway, they're spinning 'round to the music, and they're looking at each other real close, like how Uncle Jack looks at bugs and how Uncle Zack looks at the bones that mom shows him – mom's really smart.
She's not my real mom, but I call her that 'cause my bilodjcle mom left with her stupid boyfriend. I know I should miss her and I feel bad that I don't miss her anymore, but momma Bones takes care of me real good, and daddy is happy. Also, since my old mom's gone, so is Captain Fantastic, and I definitely don't miss him. He never liked me and it made daddy angry, even though daddy p'tended he wasn't mad.
Dad, I mean, not daddy. Only little kids say daddy, and I'm nearly eight. I'm so growed up; mom says, and she knows best 'cause she's a doctor and they're really smart!
Even smart people get hurt sometimes though. Once, before she was my mom, Doctor Bones got caught by the bad guys and she nearly died, but she was so brave, dad says. Dad says she gets herself into sitchwations like that way too much, but he always goes and saves her 'cause that's what men do. When I grow up, I want to be just like him, and then I can protect mom and my wife and my kids and catch the bad guys.
But, I wanna be like mom too... she is so clever and everyone really listens to her because she's smarter than them – she's the smartest person in the world.
Dad always says she is really pretty too, and I 'gree, but I once heard mom and Auntie Angela talking, and Auntie Angela said that dad was really hot. I was worried and I thought he had a fever or somethin' bad, but when I asked him about it, he 'splained that it just meant he was good looking.
I don't think daddy is good loo- I mean, dad. I don't think dad is good looking. Ugh, I have to stop saying daddy or I will never be a big person!
When I got a fever and I had to take the yucky medicine, mom was taking care of me and I asked her if the fever meant I was really good looking. She smiled and said I was always good looking, but then she got confused and asked me what I meant by that.
I 'splained to her real slow lots of times, but she just got even worser confused, so I made dad come in and 'splain it properly. He took her to outside of my bedroom and then after a few minutes she came back in and her face was all red and she said 'I understand now, Parker', and I said she looked all hot on her face, and did that mean she was good looking too... everyone was even more confused!
I really think grown-ups are so stupid sometimes. They don't understand the simpulust things and it's really hard to 'splain it to them. When I grow up I won't be that dumb.
I wish they'd be clever! Mom is more cleverer than dad, but there are lots of things that she doesn't know. Most of them are about TV.
They're dancing now in front of the TV, but I don't tell them to move. They think I'm asleep, but really I'm watchin' 'em.
Mommy's tummy has been getting bigger recently, funny and outy, and I don't want to ask her about it. Dad says sometimes that you must never tell girls if they looks big 'cause they'll get really angry and upset 'bout it. Girls are so 'motional, it's real annoying. Mom isn't so bad, she's never had a bad reacshun to anything people say to her, but I don't want to be the one tuh upset her.
Dad is patting mom's tummy and she looks down at it like she's never seen it before and she's really amazed.
It's stupid - I mean, who hasn't seen their own tummy? 'sept, I guess mom might have trouble normally, 'cause her tummy is usually really small, and she probably can't see it past those big balls on her chest. I don't know what they're for, but dad says never to look at them, so I don't ask.
Another thing about grown-ups is they never 'splain things. It's just that they don't know lots of things, and that's why they pretend that it's bad to talk about the things. I don't want to embarrass them, so I don't tell them I know what they're up to. It might hurt their feelings.
Suddenly dad and mom are kissing and I nearly yell eww but then they'd notice me and I'd be busted. I dunno why I want to stay out here and pretend to be asleep; it's pretty boring, but it sure beats being in bed and pretending to be asleep.
I remember the day that Doctor Bones became Doctor Mom. Dad was really nervous before she came over and he kept asking himself if it was the right thing to do. I didn't know what he meant, but then when Doctor Bones knocked on the door and dad was being real, real nice, I got 'spishus. I was right – later on, when they were sitting and laughing, I hid outside the door and watched while dad showed her a ring and said something quietly.
It made Doctor Bones cry and I got super mad at dad and ran in and hit his leg and asked why he made her cry – I was standin' up for her like men are s'posed to, but 'parently I was wrong. She picked me up and hugged me and kissed my head and I was real confused and she said she was crying 'cause she was happy.
I'm still aren't sure. Maybe it's just another thing that grown-ups don't understand, so they pretend to know. Why would you cry if you were happy?
As dad and mom stop and look over at me, I keep my eyes nearly closed but I can still see through my eyelashes. Dad is rubbing mom's big belly and pointing to me, then whispering. Mom is looking right at me, and for a moment I think she knows I'm awake, but then they both look at each other and then both look at me and then both come over. Mom picks me up and they both kiss my forehead, then walk into my room and put me into bed.
I roll over after they leave, and I hear them say something. He or she will be out soon, and then Parker will have a little brother or sister. He'll be so thrilled-... and then I can't hear them anymore.
What? He or she who? Are we getting a baby? Where do you get babies from? How much do babies cost?
I once asked my old mom how much babies cost, and she said they cost a lifetime of physical and mental scars, and a living hell for twelve hours in a hospital bed. That's what babies cost.
I still don't know what she means, but then suddenly I realise that the thing in mom's tummy must be a baby. It's the only thing that makes sense!
How does a baby get in there?! How does it fit without making mom's tummy 'splode? I couldn't fit a baby in my tummy. Doctor Bones must be even more special than daddy always says. I was a baby once... I don't 'member it but I must have gotten out of my old mom's tummy somehow.
I remember a scary movie I saw where a slimy alien popped through a guy's belly and the guy died. That must be what happens to guys if they have babies, but girls can survive having babies because the baby gets out another way, and that's why guys don't have babies – guys don't wanna die.
I hope it doesn't hurt them... I don't want mom to get hurt. I dunno when the baby will come out, but as long as mom is okay, it will be really cool.
I'm going to have a little brother or a little sister!
As I start thinking up heaps of questions like will they be called Parker too? and how many will there be? and will they like mud too? my eyes shut slowly and I feel myself falling asleep.