If I don't do it myself, it's no good. I've known this for a long time. I always do things I shouldn't because it's true. No one in my life can seem to get along without me. I must take care of all the problems that fall in my lap. I must see them through to the end. Because if I don't, who will?
I suppose there is a reason why I feel this way. I've lain awake nights wondering what the reason is. I've concluded it's because of my parents. Ever since I was small, they've left me to travel the world on their concerts. Sure, I had someone to take care of me but that doesn't change the fact that I still had to take care of myself. I must take care of myself like a grown adult because I basically live on my own. So I've had to solve all the problems I encounter like an adult.
I guess a reason must be found for why I don't object to taking on more responsibilities. Probably because I believe that, the more I take on, the more exceptional I will become and the less likely it is that my parents will leave me…again. I also try to tell myself that the busier I am, the less time I have to mope around. The more time I fill, the less loneliness will plague me. But it seems just the opposite. The more I try to be exceptional, the more I try to fill my time with responsibilities, the more lonely I feel. Because even though I'm used to the constant ache my parents' absence causes, it bothers me more now that I'm older and the busier I become. It's like the more I throw myself into school and my duties, the more I distance myself from anyone who could care about me.
I'm used to waking in the morning and rushing to the window to see a plane take off, its sleek body shining in the sunlight. I'm used to seeing this and thinking, Mom and Dad are on a plane like that. I'm used to the weekly phone call my mom gives me. I'm used to her lack of time to talk to me. She just calls to make sure I'm not dead or in the hospital. She doesn't ask me how my life is, how school is, or if I would like to see her soon! I'm used to the pain that rushes in after she hangs up. I'm used to going to bed and longing for my parents to be there. There to tuck me in, to kiss me, to read me a story, to comfort me when I wake from a nightmare.
I'm used to all these things…so why do they still bother me so much?
There was one person I always felt the edge of the loneliness go away with: Komachi. But now she's talking more with those other girls, those second years Nozomi and Rin and that first year Urara. Those one who claim they're Pretty Cure. And to make it worse, they've convinced Komachi of those lies! I'm losing her but I still want to believe her. I want to believe that she's right and have her be with me. Because much as I hate to admit it, I need her. I need her to take away my loneliness even if it's just for a moment.
Because that's the one thing I can't do. In fact, if I try to do it myself, it's no good. I need her for that because she's really the only one who doesn't ever talk about my parents. But even as I need her so desperately, I don't want to. Because I'm reminded of how lonely I am when I'm with her.
The one thing I can't do…rid myself of this wretched loneliness. But she can. And I'm losing her.