Author's Note: Yah... does anyone even watch the Dick Van Dyke Show? This one's from Buddy's point of view, because I love him.
You know what? I discovered something amazing yesterday. I discovered that I hate my wife.
Stupid epiphanies. Why couldn't I have thought of that before I married her? There were plenty of clues, I was just too stupid to notice.
Okay, her name is Pickles. Should that have given me an idea? Pickles?!? Call a woman Pickles, I dare you. Every time I mention her, I've got to make sure I include the words 'wy wife' in the sentence. Otherwise, people look at me like I'm crazy.
How stupid does the name 'Pickles Sorrell' sound? Honestly...
She's an idiot. She can't cook, sew, clean... sing, dance, anything! She isn't awake until after noon. And I'm sure we've fought every day since we got married.
And you know what else? She told me this morning (not technically, as explained above) she hates my cello. That's going too far. I've gotten past everything else for years, but that did it. I've only played the thing since I was nine. It's not like I play terribly, I'm very good. She just hates it. Well, I hate that. If she would've just casually mentioned that on our wedding day, I would've loved her for it (wait, that defeats the purpose. Scratch that.) But maybe a "oh by the way, I hate cello music with a passion" over dinner would've saved us both. I could've loved her, but she hates my cello.
And the dog, Larry, our German Shepard. Don't get me started on him. She doesn't like him either. (Proof: it took me two months withouth playing a single song for her to agree to get a dog.)
Maybe I'm crazy, but I think I love my co-worker. She's single, I'll get a divorce. It could work...
Sally Rogers is her name...
And 'Sally Sorrell' is a nice name, alliterated and everything.
She sings (and plays piano), plus all the other things Pickles lacks. Sally's about my height, which I like. Pickles is ridiculously tall (actually, I'm short. But you get the idea.) And then she goes and puffs up her hair so she looks at least a foot taller than me. I hate that.
Sally has respect for musicians like myself. At parties, she sings while I play cello. It works well.
So, tonight, I'll pack up Larry and my cello and leave. I'll call from Sally's.
Another Author's Note: Sorry, I'm obsessed with Buddy and Sally. Pickles... I don't like her. And there's so much evidence in the series that Buddy doesn't either. So that's the point of the story I guess.