The High School Heartache diary's

Chapter 1: Black

EPOV – Edward's point of view

A new girl, seriously? We haven't had a new girl (or boy for that matter) in what . . . six years? I wish I could get a good look at her, but she's already got tons of girls just giggling around her. What is it with chicks? Can't they ever fucking do anything but giggle? And what's so God damn funny?

BPOV – Bella's point of view

First day at a new school, fun. Well, first day at a school for that matter. I've been homeschooled for the last nine years. I can't believe how much attention being new gets you. Everyone's already introduced themselves and practically handed me there liver. Much too friendly here. I guess that's what happens when you go from living in Phoenix to . . . Forks, Washington. I've never wanted to live in a place that describes itself with a 'rich history' or as being inhabited by 'established families' but hey, it has 'an exceptional school district'. Why am I here? Oh yes, my deranged father. Stupid air force.


First day here wasn't so bad, only a half day, just to get to know the teachers, (like everyone here doesn't know them from Adam and Eve,) and the subject. Thankfully I'd never taken these classes before, or it really would be hell. People finally quit staring, another God send. How exciting can one person be? I mean I know this is probably the most action they've seen since the sun came out, but it's not like I had three eyes or an extra arm or something.



"So how was school today? Class must have been short." My mother said, slipping into the depression she'd been in since my dad made the decision to move here instead of Los Angeles. At least Los Angeles was big. Stupid dad, stupid air force. My mother had grown up all around the world, living in places like New York, Alaska, and freakin Germany. And now we live in Forks. Even the way it sounds pisses me off.


First day back was short, thankfully. I still hadn't gotten a good look at the new girl, but there was something oddly peaceful about her. The way she practically glided down the hall, the way she gracefully took her seat in every class, (and I had seen her in every one of my classes). She was so polite, but awkward, and very quiet. Unbelievably quiet, especially for a girl. She answered everyone's fucking retarded questions, even though she probably didn't want to, fucking polite, they still stared, just not as noticeably as earlier, as if she was some fucking science project or some shit.


The first Monday back I got a good look at the new girl, whose name was Bella, I'd gathered that from football practice, stupid football pricks talking about her like she was a piece of meat. But why did I care? I didn't know this girl, she wasn't anything to me. Until I saw her face, and I know how shallow that sounds, but she was so, pretty? No she was prettier than pretty, but she wasn't beautiful, it was more of a way about her. She looked so out of place in the gym we all stood in before the first hour bell rang, standing next to all those girls who slathered their faces with as much shiny make up as they could get their hands on. She wore just a little bit, it didn't look like she was trying to dress up for anything, just wore it out of habit, her uniform clothes weren't tight, and that wasn't something I was used to, they fit a little big, but not baggy, this girl wasn't fat. She looked good, no anorexia bones sticking out, but no jelly rolls either. I wonder if she knew who I was yet.


Monday, oh how I hated Monday's. How retarded that were all forced to mingle in the stinky gym before class, this was just painful, forcing a smile as girls I didn't know ran their hands through my hair and touched my jewelry and squealed. Like they'd never seen a bracelet before, I mentally snorted; I figured it wouldn't be very polite if I did it out loud. But really, is this what normal girls did? Talk about hair? How boring. I would have just gone and sat by myself and read a book, but I had a deep desire to fit in here. I had four years ahead of me with them, might as well make it as painless as possible. Even if that meant I had to listen to gossip and watch high school football games on my Friday nights. I had nothing else to do. . .

"Oh, my God" Jessica whispered in my ear like the teenage girl she was, "Edward Cullen is so totally staring at you!" This didn't really surprise me; everyone had been staring at me since I set foot in the building. But still, I had to ask.

"Um, who's Edward Cullen?"

"Only like the hottest guy in our class! He's on the football team, and the basketball team, oh and did I mention he's dreamy?" Jessica was clearly head over heels for Edward in that 'I'm in high school so there for I must seek out and drool over the hottest guy ever' or in Jessica's mind, the dreamiest guy ever.

"Ok, but where is he? Every one's staring at me; you'll have to point him out or something."

"Oh my God, I can't do that; he'd totally know we were talking about him! I can't just point at him, what are you retarded?"

Yeah, that's me, the social retard. The most public thing I'd ever done was go to church. Even in Phoenix I was pretty much a hermit, but that's what homeschooling does to you. I rolled my eyes at what Jessica had said about not pointing at him, so I just looked at everyone and tried to decide if they looked like an Edward or not. I had narrowed it down to two guys who were both subtly staring me down. One of them had glasses, medium height, a little on the heavy side, but not fat, he had curly blonde hair and he slouched a little. The other was a taller boy, a year or so older than me, bronze colored hair, and the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen, the ones you get lost in, he wasn't gawking at me, he merely looked curious, but not that 'extra arm' curious, more like he had an interesting question to ask me. It was refreshing. I stared back, and after a while, he shrugged and looked away, it almost seemed like he hadn't noticed I'd been staring straight back at him the whole time. But before I could think about it anymore, the bell rang and I grabbed my things and headed out the door to Physical Science.

The boy with the gorgeous green eyes that I had seen in the gym was in my class, which made my heart beat a little faster, I was mostly sure that was Edward Cullen, since Jessica had said he was in our class, and freshman took all their classes together.

Science went by in a blur; we were assigned our seats, (Edward sat on the other side of the room from me) and our books, which looked fairly new. The bell rang again, I'd have to get used to moving with the herd through the hallways to get to my locker, (which was only two down from Edward). Next class was Civics, and our class was joined with about three other sophomores who hadn't taken it there freshman year. I sat next to the two 10th grade girls Lauren and Angela, who just oozed popularity. The other upperclassman was incredibly tall, his name was Mike. He seemed very rude to everyone in the class, except for me, he simply smiled encouragingly at me. It made me smile behind the wall of hair I hid behind when I felt uncomfortable. Just like all the history classes I'd seen on those high school sitcoms, Civics was taught by a Coach, an old, ugly, incompetent coach. His name sounded like Earlobe to me, so that's what I called him, (in my head anyway, I would never be that rude to a teacher, even a coach teacher).

When we finally escaped from Civics, fairly unscathed I might add, I traveled with my class in a huddle down the too narrow hall way, I opened up my locker and dumped my civics book in it, and began to head to my next class when Jessica caught up with me and told me we had break now.

Break? Like recess? I thought that was a kindergarten thing, did I have to go and play on a playground for however long our break was? I almost panicked until Jessica steered me into the only new looking building that was the lunchroom. Oh, I get it, it was like snack time, everyone got chips or candy from the vending machine and sat down at their click's table. I opted out of getting anything, I was already fairly nervous about my first full day at school, no need to give my nausea something to do.


Timid, shy, not quiet, because she laughed like the rest of us, she talked to her friend Jessica fairly easily, but if anyone else approached her or smiled at her or anything like that she retreated to the confines of her hair. That was cute, too cute. I had to get it through my head that she was just a girl, like the rest of them. Nothing special, I was acting like all those other pricks, staring at her like she was deformed. But she most definitely wasn't deformed. I still really couldn't tell if she was majorly pretty or not, and I hadn't sat close enough to her in class to hear her voice. This worried me, what if I had every class with her, but always sat at the opposite side of the room? I'd never have the chance to say hello or talk to her, get to know her, maybe ask her out or something. I rolled my eyes then, why was I so worried? It was crazy, she was just a girl. It was just the fact that she was the new girl; that was it. Even if I did end up liking her, she wouldn't like me, she was from Phoenix, a huge fucking place, she'd probably had tons of boyfriends before she came here, big town boyfriends, I could never compete with that. I was from a small town, and a quiet family history. Nothing interesting, no skeletons in my closet, not that I had ever thought of that as a bad thing, but now I was desperate for something, anything to set me above the other couple hundred guys that lived here, something that was different and would catch her attention. Was she into sports? Did she like jocks? What if she was the artsy type? Damn, I'd never taken so much as a piano lesson before. Maybe I'd go and buy a guitar after school. Chicks dig a guy with a guitar. Another eye roll, even if I got a guitar it's not like I could bring it up to school and play for her, how fucking embarrassing would that be? She didn't even know me. I didn't even know her. I had to do something, make an impression on her, and show her I could be just as cool as her God like boyfriends.

And just like that I was one of the last people still sitting in the lunchroom, like an idiot. What an impression, I hope Bella hadn't seen me. What if she had? Would she think I was deaf? Not even hearing the bell to go to class. Or would she think I was a bad ass? Clearly defying the school system and not getting up when the bell told us to. Ok, that's it; I was going to check myself into a psyche ward, I was definitely certifiable.


Third hour already, computer, finally something I was decent at. It made me smile on the way to the computer lab that this hour would be a relief to me, like a safe harbor. I could listen to my iPod and do my lesson. I was assigned my computer and sat down, placing my things at my feet under the table. I had begun to reach for my iPod out of my pocket when my breath caught; Edward sat down at the computer to the left of mine. He was turned around in his chair, paying attention to the teacher, and I was staring at the back of his head like an idiot.

"Isabella Swan?"

The teacher called my name, and I jerked up in my seat, turning to face her, face slightly red at this point.


"Yes ma'am."

"Yes ma'am?"

I really did need to get used to saying that, my parents had never required us to address them with yes ma'am or yes sir. If we were in trouble, we said yes mom, or yes dad. But I clearly couldn't say that to my computer teacher.

"Is there a problem?"

"No. . . Ma'am."

"Good, then if you would kindly sit up and pay attention."

I'd watched enough High School Musical type shows and movies to know that this was a generic thing that teacher said to put students who didn't pay attention to them in their place. Even so, I'd watched enough TV to know that there was also detention, so I sat up obediently and paid attention until she set us loose with our books to start on lesson 1 and 2; type up a letter and an envelope. How boring, how mundane, is this the school I'm going to?


Ok, you can do this. Just tap her on the shoulder, introduce yourself, and maybe ask for some help. I was just about to, when I looked up and noticed she had headphones in, and was quickly starting and finishing the assignment. Crap, there goes that plan. I didn't want to intrude while she was like this, it would be kind of impolite. But who the hell cares, so I tapped her on the shoulder. She jerked up again, just like I'd seen her do from the corner of my eye when the teacher called on her earlier. She startled easy, that was for sure. Then she pulled out the headphones and smiled sweetly at me, I momentarily forgot what I was going to say to her.

"Um, uh, oh, hi, my names Edward Cullen, I just wanted to say hey since your new and all, and I figured it was hard getting to know everyone, so yeah, um hi I guess."

I was rambling like an idiot. No, I was rambling like a prick. Maybe I was. The worst thing was, she never said a word to me, and she just smiled up at me with her deep brown eyes. She thought I was a fucking idiot. Well, I guess I looked like a fucking idiot to her, stammering and shit like that, like I was going to have a heart attack or something. Then thank God, she nodded, so at least she heard and understood me, and maybe, just maybe didn't think I was a complete spaz. She turned back to her computer putting her headphones back in place, shit, I was losing her, and she hadn't even told me her name, so I did the first thing that popped into my head.

"Hey, um, I'm really lost," and I really was, "could you help me out?"

Yeah, if she didn't think I was an idiot before, she did now; I couldn't even type a letter.

"Yeah sure, just go to page 16, set the margins to 2 inches, set it to double space, and type away."

She should have added a duh to the end of that, her eyes did, her giant, gorgeous brown eyes. I'm glad she didn't notice me staring. I already felt like an idiot, I couldn't afford to let her see me do anything else completely retarded like staring at her while she told me I was an idiot. But she would never call me an idiot, I already knew this girl wasn't like that, scary polite.

"Thanks, I guess if I paid a little attention and read the directions, I probably could have figured that out."

Oh no, did I just insult her for helping me? Shit, stupid, I mentally slapped myself; don't let it happen again Cullen. Focus, she's talking to you, focus!

"Well, I'm here if you need any help. I'm pretty good with computers, my dad works on them and stuff, but that's not what he does, he's in the air force."


SHUT UP! SHUT UP! My mind was screaming at me, YOU'RE RAMBLING! STOP IT! I was making a complete idiot of myself, and he was staring at me like I was an alien.

"Oh, that's cool."

Then he turned and faced his computer, probably not wanting to talk to a freak like me anymore. We had fifteen minutes of class left, and they ticked by slowly. When the bell finally rang I grabbed my stuff as fast as I could and practically sprinted to the door. I bumped into Katelyn who standing just outside and we headed for Algebra together.

I was once again out of my element. Math and I don't get along very well. I'm pretty sure my mom had called the school earlier to let them know I was an idiot when it came to anything with numbers because the math teacher sat me right in the front, and I'm not sure if Heaven smiled or frowned on me, but I was sitting next to Edward again. I couldn't tell if I should be happy or upset about this since I couldn't tell if he liked me or if he thought I was mental.

I didn't say a word to him all hour; I just kept my head down, and my face hidden behind my hair. He looked at me a lot, not staring, just quick glances when he thought I was focused on my paper. Was this a good sign? I didn't have a clue, I'd never been around that many guys, except for my brother Jasper.

The sweet sound of the bell rang through my ears, waking me from my thoughts and worries about teenage boys and their unidentifiable minds. I looked for Jessica before I left the classroom, surprised I'd only had one class so far where I sat anywhere near her.

"Lunch?" I asked.

"You got it, did you order something?"

Order something? What the heck did that mean?

"Um, I don't think so. . . What do you mean?"

"Oh well, we have a set menu, and we right down on a card what we want to eat, then we turn it into the lunchroom and they make it! But if you didn't know what it was, then you probably didn't. Did you bring something to eat?"

"Um, no. I'm not that hungry though so it's ok."

Lunch was only 25 minutes long. I wasn't used to that, I like having a couple hours to eat lunch slowly and maybe watch TV or something.

English was my fifth hour class and I was happy again, I love English, and English loves me. The English teacher seemed to love me too. She didn't make me stand in front of the class and introduce myself, technically none of the teachers had asked me to do that, but you could see it in their eyes that it would be amusing to watch me stumble to the front and stammer out my name. Or maybe I was just completely paranoid, weirder things were true.

A groan escaped my lips as the end of English was announced by the bell; I had dreaded last our all day. PE, I had played softball, soccer, lacrosse, and ran track at my old home, but PE seemed cruel for some reason, and I was trying my hardest to think of a way to get out of it. In the end I just decided to hide in the locker room after the coach called roll and hoped to God he didn't notice I had disappeared. He didn't. Another God send.


Where was she? I'd sat next to her in algebra, and seen her at her table in the lunch room, then English of course we sat at opposite ends, but I'd still seen her there too. Now it was the time of the day that I loved, something easy, PE. All I had to do was shoot hoops for an hour, no numbers, or grammar, nothing. A small part of me felt guilty for the other part of this class I was going to enjoy, a very small part. I had been looking forward to this all day, (well since I'd seen Bella this morning in the gym) because I'd get to see her in her PE outfit. But it looked like she wasn't taking this class or something; that sucked.

Another part of the day I loved, going home! I rode with my brother Emmet, a sophomore, home instead of riding the bus, plus me, Emmet and a couple guys from school played basketball at our house after school every day. When we got there I hopped out, and started warming up, we had been playing only about five minutes when I heard the bus pull up a few hundred feet away at its usual stop. Then, to my amazement and luck, Bella stepped off the bus and headed towards our house. What the hell was she doing? We all knew she lived a block or two away. Maybe she'd seen me and wanted to say hi, I hoped that was it, I hoped she felt comfortable enough to approach me, but I knew this girl better than that. She was too shy to do that, especially with a bunch of other guys surrounding me. Then the idiot in me burst out,

"BELLA!" I called her like she was a dog or something; I hoped she wouldn't get embarrassed.

"Um, yeah?" She called back, timidly.

"What are you doing?"

She's walking home you idiot, everyone around me seemed to say with their posture.

"Just headed home, having fun?"

Yeah, she wasn't an idiot; this girl didn't have to ask to know I was playing basketball with friends, like walking home should have been obvious to me, stupid. Get a hold of yourself Cullen, finish the conversation.

"Do you need a ride?"


"No, I'm good; I'm not too far from here, thanks anyway. I'll see you tomorrow."

She ended it, because she didn't want to talk to me. Or maybe she was just in a hurry to get home. I guess I'd never know. I prayed to God that night and asked him to help me not make a fool of myself tomorrow. For this girl, I wanted to be better.