Disclaimer: Characters and world are sooooo not mine, but the premise of this particularly Alternate Universe and the unique situations it presents are all products of my less than hinged mind.
Author's Note: Got stalled on Bondage Style, and started writing this. Much silliness and pranking will ensue in later chapters. Super Sirius to the rescue! Heh, I prefer doing slapstick/satire for my comedy, so... Hopefully you'll enjoy. Did a bit of revising and changing of this and that.
"So, how much longer you planning on staying here, wallowing in your misery?" The voice casually spoke across the shadows of Azkaban, to the waiting ears of one of its prisoners, a man known as Sirius Black.
"How much longer is it going to take for you to leave me alone?" Another voice rasped back, dead blue eyes looking out into the shadows the ragged figure curled into himself. He could feel them all around him, the screaming wraiths that suckled greedily on the hearts of his fellow prisoners, but never his.
"Really pup, you made your bond, you made your deal, just as your brothers did." The first voice called back, a hint of curiosity in those words. "Yet, here you stay, when if you chose to, you could walk away without a chance of them stopping you."
"I'm here, because I deserve to be," Sirius Black responded quietly, his eyes unable to look back to the figure watching him. "I failed them. I couldn't protect them. I couldn't avenge them. That damned Loki pledged coward..."
"And what of their legacy? Their son? Your Godson?"
"He's better off without this fool of a dog."
"You have been many things pup, foolish for certain, but only a fool while you remain here." The voice called back, simply and softly. "Before your brotherhood was broken... you four brought such joy to our lives. You reminded us that there were still reasons for us to pay heed to your world. You impressed us pup, and that is not easily done."
"He's better off with Mooney." Sirius countered back as he let his eyes fall closed. "Dumbledore will at least see that he's been taken care of. And while he's with Mooney, Hermes will keep himself from Loki's eyes."
"Oh? Is that why you stay here?" There was a pause, a confusion in the voice. "I thought you were simply being selfish."
"Save the riddles for someone else you old dog." Black's voice hissed with a tremor of underlying frustration. "You can look into my mind any time you so choose."
"No," the voice responded slowly. "While you deny me, and what you are, I cannot. You are closed to me, Sirius Black."
"Huh, so that's all I needed to do to keep you out of my head all those years?" The man laughed mirthlessly as he shook his head. "A pity I didn't know."
"He isn't with Hermes's chosen, he has no protections from any Gods." The words were spoken softly, yet thundered against his ears. "Mooney has forsaken his duties just as you yourself have. The former Chosen of Loki still lives, and he still poses a danger to your charge."
"Dumbledore..." Sirius began, denial and hope thick in his voice.
"Has left you to rot, and the boy to the ones you know as the Dursleys." The voice spoke with a resigned curiosity, tinged with regret. "I thought you knew this, but it would seem I was wrong."
"Wha....t....?" Sirius' voice burned in a whisper as those dead grey eyes suddenly shot open with a flash of life, looking onto a pair of golden eyes.
"Open yourself to the link and see for yourself." The coyote responded with a slight yawn as it would cant its head towards the man in front of him. "You do remember how to do that, don't you?"
"Yes, Mother." The man spat back sarcastically, before he slowly closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the cell as he could feel the strange, exertion of his mind expanding and the accompanying surge of power that rippled through him. He could feel the dementor's attention, their sudden surge of fear at the raw power that coursed through the man's body, even as the prison's wardens were left unaware. Then, as he focused it, brought his mind to bear, the past opened up before him.
"Not a very pleasant situation for the boy to be in, is it?" The canine offered blandly as he would lay down on the cold prison floor. "And because you two are being... what is it you Brits call it? Gits? There's nothing neither Hermes nor myself can do. And let me tell you, I'm getting rather tired of listening to Oberon and Titania going on and on about their Chosen's son and what he's being forced through."
If he heard the being speak, he gave no reaction, his eyes widening in horror and anger as the mix of emotions played across his features. This was not how things were supposed to be. He was supposed to be the one suffering for his failure, not Harry, not Mooney This was supposed to be HIS penance.
"What has he done...?" The words burst past his lips, as the tears grew in the man's eyes, hot, wet things that dripped down along his cheeks. "Oh Harry... what have they done to you?"
"So, I ask of you Sirius Black." There was a tone of formality in the being's voice as it spoke again, its body rising up from the cold stone floor as it sat back on its haunches, looking almost regal with its golden eyed stare. "Are you prepared to again take your mantle? Are you willing to again become my Avatar on this realm?"
"Why are you offering me this?" Sirius turned his eyes onto the great spirit before him and those blue grey eyes burned back. "I forsook that mantle, I turned my back on my position, why are you offering me this again?"
"Because Padfoot," the canine grinned back at him, "You gave it up, because you thought you were unworthy. You have lain here, 11 years, when you didn't have to even allow yourself to be taken by them. Yet, at that same time..." The spirit paused a moment before sending a hard look at the man. "Your forsaking of your status, only confirmed your guilt in the minds of those who knew you. Especially Remus."
"Leave it to Mooney to go and ignore that he could just ask ole Hermes." Sirius grumbled softly as he slowly stretched out. "I'll take a guess that the daft fool's been completely ignoring his patron?"
"You always were delightfully blunt when trickery wasn't needed," the coyote responded approvingly. "So then..." The figure paused before the canine broke into a grin. "Ready to go change the world?"
"What, no dinner first?" There was a light in the man's eyes, before with a sigh he stood up, brushing off the rags that had been his prison uniform. "Tsk, this will simply NOT do."
"Well, well," a broken female voice almost giggled in the cell next to him, "Has little Siri finally gone and lost the last of his marbles?"
"Ah sweet Trixie." Sirius spoke casually as he would make a brushing gesture along his arm, and suddenly the rags replaced themselves with a dragon skin jacket, shirt, and pants, leaving his feet bare on the cold stone. "Such a shame you had to go all dark... And what you did to Frank and Alice? Tsk tsk."
"Huh..." The woman blinked as the man who had been seemingly carrying on a conversation with himself suddenly managed a wandless transfiguration of his clothing and then casually walked through the cell wall between them. "How...?"
"I suppose I really should be running off." The man paused, before looking down at his cousin, before he squatted down, balancing on the balls of his feet as he looked into the wild, maddened eyes of Bellatrix LeStrange. "But, I am for the moment conflicted. You helped destroy two friends of mine Trixie, and your poor mind's gone and broken, hasn't it?"
"Awww what's a matter little Siri." The woman giggled again, squirming about on the cell floor. "Does cousin Bella scare you hmm? Why don't you let her make the screaming start all over again hmmm? Little Trixie's not gonna be coming out to play."
"And, people wonder why we Blacks have such a bad reputation." The man sighed again, before he would suddenly reach out, petting Bellatrix atop her head. "Well, lets see... "
With that, he grabbed hold of her wrist, pulling out her arm and exposing her dark mark with a simple strength, before he quite firmly put his thumb against it. He watched her eyes as power flowed into her, leaving her to thrash suddenly, wildly, helplessly. "And now, you have a chance, Little Trixie, its up to you what you do with it."
That said, the man turned and walked through the door, his bare feet rustling across the stone as he held a wild grin on his lips, and cast a wink back at his wild eyed cousin. "See you around little Trixie!"
Casually he walked down the halls of the prison, whistling slightly as he went, almost skipping in his steps as he could feel the dementors reflexively shrinking back at his presence. It wasn't exactly a new sensation, but still, the sheer volume of space they gave him now, was quite frankly, rather amusing. Still, the real fun only happened when he slipped through the doors leading to the prison's entrance.
"Why, hello there! Pleasant evening, isn't it?" Sirius Black grinned wildly as he would casually strut bare foot along the stone walk, his dragon hide jacket fluttering carelessly in the wind, his eyes a light with mischief as he watched the Aurors in front of him. "I simply had to come and take a constitutional, its been a good 11 years since my last one and what not, so I figured it was about time."
"What tha... It's Sirius Black!" one of the man shouted in alarm as the three Aurors on duty quickly reached for their wands and suddenly drew out... rather droopy daisies.
"Aw, flowers? For me? You shouldn't have!" The former prisoner smiled back at the men, suddenly walking up, catching them all in a massive hug. "I know you'll miss me, but, don't worry, I'll be sure to write!"
When he drew back, the confused Aurors suddenly found it rather difficult to move apart, as some how their clothes had become glued to one another as the man adjusted his jacket and gave a casual bow. "Now gents, I'm afraid I must be off, names to clear, people to protect and Death Farters to kill. It's been lovely, it really has..."
And with a bow, Sirius Black took a step off the island and dropped to the waters below. A moment later, he was seen walking, wandless, across the choppy waters, practically skipping as he went before fading from sight. And with that, a Marauder loosed himself on the world once more.
-Dursley House Hold-
Harry Potter was stuffing his things rapidly in his trunk as he listened to the screams in the house below him. Anger and fear pulsed through his skin, as he moved quickly to get everything he could together. He had to get out of here, quickly.
"Hmm, you know, you'd be able to fit more in there if you took the time to fold it properly." A slightly amused voice called out from behind him, "Yer mum woulda been scoldin you for it, but, Lils always was a bit of a stickler for neatness."
Whirling around, Harry found himself facing a grinning man, his grey eyes a light with mischief as he sat against the bed, lightly stroking his fingers against the white feathers of Harry's owl. The boy's hand snatched at his wand, before quickly leveling it at the man. "Who are you?! What're you doing here?!"
"Now, now," the man chided, his dark hair falling across his face for a moment before laughing, "I don't think you want to get the Ministry's knickers in a twist, under aged magic and all." The man stood, casually, before taking a slow sweeping bow. "As for who I am? Why, Sirius Black, exiled son of the house of Black, Marauder Extraordinare, the incorrigible Padfoot, Avatar of Coyote, Best Man at your parents wedding." He paused a moment, lightly tapping his finger on his lip, as if trying to remember something. "Oh, and of course your Godfather, can't forget that one."
"What...?" The wand dipped for a moment, shock rippling across Harry's eyes before his features hardened and he resumed pointing at the man before him, suspicion written on the boy's face. "How come I've never heard of you?!"
"Well, probably because I was thrown in Azkaban, that's a prison for wizards you know, without a trial." He paused a moment, leaning back as his eyes grew distant. "And I let myself rot there, because I thought I deserved it."
"Why were you sent to prison...?" The wand dipped, just a moment once more, before raising back, pointing at the man.
"Well, people thought that since I was your dad's best friend, I was obviously your parent's Secret Keeper, and there for, I must have been the one that betrayed them to He-Who-Smells-Of-Rancid-Snake-Oil." There was a pause then, a flash of anger across his features. "And since I failed to capture that Loki damned rat Pettigrew, I got blamed for the bastard's death, and the death of a bunch of muggles the coward killed in the process."
"You betrayed my parents?!" There was a flash of anger, the wand shaking in the boy's hand as he kept it pointed harshly at the man.
"No." The man responded simply, his eyes locked on Harry's. "They put the blame on me for it, and the real betrayer went free." He paused a moment, before chuckling a bit. "Though, living as a pet rat for all these years..."
"A pet rat...?" The boy blinked lightly, but still his wand kept itself pointed at the man. "What're you talking about?"
"Peter, myself, your dad..." The man gestured a bit, before suddenly morphing into a great black furred dog, then back to himself. "We were all animagi. I get my lovable puppy powers, absolutely great for moistening the knickers of pretty witches you know. Your dad was a stag, I'll spare you the mental buggery I could conjure with that one. And dear, traitorous Peter, is a rat, a common, cowardly, sneaky little rodent that deserves all manner of unspeakable acts of retribution upon him."
"And where is this... rat then?" There was a caution in that voice, even as a slight ripple of possible hope whispered into his voice.
"Well, as it happens," The man fidgeted lightly on the bed.
"You don't know, do you," the boy challenged with a glare.
"Quite the contrary actually," Sirius responded. "It's just that... well... he's kind of your mate's pet rat."
"Scabbers...?" The boy paused a moment, before staring back at the man. "You're trying to tell me, that Ron's family pet rat, is an animagus that betrayed my family to Voldemort?"
"Well, I think did actually tell you," the man responded a bit pointedly. "Therefore, I didn't try to tell you, I DID tell you."
"How about we hop over to the Burrow and I'll go ahead and prove it?" the man said amiably enough. "Though, I do warn you, Molly will probably be a bit put off by my appearance... And my being with you." He paused a moment before he continued. "Well, more like she'll start shrieking and trying to hex me into oblivion to protect you."
"Ooook..." The boy paused a moment before twitching just a bit. "Why do I get the feeling, I might've been safer in the Chamber of Secrets with the basilisk?"
"Tut Tut!" The man tsked as he casually walked over to the boy, the trunk having some how packed itself rather neatly as the man stood over it. "We should... Oh wait, almost forgot!"
With a grin on his face, and a waggle of his brow, Sirius grinned at Harry. "Wouldn't want to take off without telling your 'lovely' Aunt and Uncle I'm back, now would we?" With a wink, he made a beckoning gesture. "Come on, you won't want to miss this..."
The bare footed man almost skipped out of the room, the boy trailing warily behind him as he watched the man, lean over the edge of the banister and call down at his almost frothing uncle and livid aunt. "Oooooh Verrrrrrnon! Oh Petuuuuuunia!"
Instantly the two figures froze, their faces ashen as they looked up to see the grinning face of Sirius Black almost leering down at them, as Petunia managed to sputter. "Y-y-you're supposed to be in prison!"
"Why yes, I suppose I am," the man responded, lightly flicking a bit of dust from his jacket. "But, to be honest, prison is quite the unpleasant place." He made a somber face before turning towards Harry. "Would be best for you to avoid it, Harry... Dementors and what not."
"I hadn't made any plans to visit any time soon," the boy responded cautiously. "But, you did say that you were sent there for selling out my parents to Voldemort."
"Complete and utter rubbish that," the man responded with a wave of his hand as he watched Vernon edging towards the phone. "Peter was just better at being a traitorous sneak than I anticipated." He paused a moment, before giving Vernon a pointed look. "Vernie, old bean, I don't think you want to do that..."
"You don't have your wand you freak!" the man responded imperiously as he grabbed hold of the phone. "You can't threaten me like that! Not in my own home!"
"I was more referring to picking up a squirrel like that, but hey." Sirius grinned as the phone had some how transfigured itself into a angrily chittering, and rather bushy tailed squirrel. "You might want to be careful, never know when they might be rabid."
Gasping audibly, the man had immediately dropped the rodent and watched as it quickly bounded away and raced towards the back door. "But... But no wand!"
"Yes, yes," the man said with a negligent wave of his hand. "We've established that; no wand." He paused a moment again before grinning madly down at the pair. "But, really, you should have paid more attention to what the five of us could do..."
"All of you, freaks! My sister the worst of you!" The woman snarled as she glared at the man above her. "She knew better! She came from a NORMAL home, but no, she just had to go and be a FREAK like the rest of you!"
"Now you see..." Sirius paused a long moment, "If I was the cold blooded, Death wanking, Dark wizard that I was portrayed as, I wouldn't care, other than to simply kill you here and now, for annoying me."
Petunia's eyes widened for a moment as her husband quivered slowly in purpling rage and fear. "Get OUT of our home!"
"But you see..." the man continued, as if he didn't even hear them, "Unfortunately for you, I do care." Those eyes burned like fire as they met the married pair. "Lils and I might not have have always been on the best of terms, but..." Again those eyes flashed, burning with sudden power as he stared down at the woman before her. "She was family. Real family, something I don't think you could ever, really comprehend."
Ignoring the indignant glares thrown at him, Sirius turned back to Harry. "Why don't you get your trunk Harry? I need to have a word in private, it'll just take a tic."
"... You're not going to kill them are you?" Harry asked, a quiet caution in his eyes. "I mean, even with what they've done..."
"No, I'm not going to kill them, Harry." The man smiled a bit, his eyes suddenly twinkling. "They might wish I had by the time I'm done, but, I won't be killing them."
"I solemnly swear I am up to no good, but none of it of lethal intent," the man said, his hand over his heart as he spoke, before giving Harry a wink and suddenly leaping down, landing with his bare feet on the floor in front of the Dursley couple. "Now then, as for you two..."
Harry moved back into his room, for only a moment, but when he returned, trunk dragging behind him, he could only stare in wonder at what he saw before him.
His Aunt and Uncle were suddenly dressed in a green so bright, he almost had to squint his eyes and look away in pain, while wearing each other's clothing. The house itself, seemed, suddenly, radically changed, nothing matched, not the chairs, not the wall paper, nothing. Everything looked as if it had gone through an interior design blender, an overly eclectic mix that had not place in the homogeneous environment that was Privet Drive.
"You can't do this to us!" Petunia was shrieking, her eyes horribly wide as she stared in aghast at how she looked. "They'll think we're FREAKS!"
"Why, I think you're catching on," Sirius responded with a flippant wave of his hand. "I guess Lils didn't get all the brains in the family afte rall." The man quickly leaped up the stairs then grinned at Harry. "Ready to go?"
Harry wasn't sure just how to react, his lips, twitched violently as he looked at his family, knowing full well just how much pride they took on being just like every muggle on Privet drive was supposed to be. He couldn't help it, a slight, soft little chuckle escaped his lips, those emerald eyes suddenly alight as he would surrender to his smile. Next to him, Sirius grinned his own, wide, maniacal grin as he would clap his hand down on the boy's shoulder.
"Aye, we'll make a Marauder out of you yet Harry." The man grinned, his eyes a twinkle.
"What's a Marauder?" the boy asked, just as the world seemed to twisted around them, before suddenly the hard floor of the Dursley's home was replaced by the soft feel of grass beneath his shoes as the dimming night sky revealed the madness that was the Weasley family home.
"Harry my boy, so very much we need to teach you!" the man responded with a sigh, before grinning broadly. "Oh, the fun it will be!"
"What's going on out there? Who's there?!" The voice was tinged somewhere between outrage and fear as, suddenly a bright head of red hair appeared at the door. "Harry?!"
"Hey Mrs. Weasley," the boy responded sheepishly next to his trunk. "How're you doing this evening?"
"Oh, you startled me Harry!" The woman shook her head as she let out a sigh of relief. "What with the news of that criminal Sirius Black on the loose!"
"I made the news already?" the man in question responded. "My, I thought it would take longer for those Aurors to become unglued."
"What... SIRIUS BLACK!" The woman immediately shrieked in fear as she dug at her side, before brandishing her weapon at the man. "Harry! QUICKLY GET AWAY FROM HIM!"
"Um, Mrs. Weasley?"The boy spoke up delicately as he eyed the item in her hand. "I don't think he's afraid of your cucumber."
"I wasn't going to say anything," the man responded casually. "Really, its a very fine cucumber, don't you agree Harry?"
"Oh yes, very fine," the boy agreed with a nod. "But, I don't think its a very scary weapon."
"If only you'd seen the things I have," the man responded with a sad sigh. "The vegetable artillery barrage of '75... if I hadn't had your father around, I would have taken a cucumber right on the nose!"
"Oh yes!" The man nodded sagely. "Of course, it helped that I was hiding behind him so I could properly return fire with a kumquat."
"...I thought it was a vegetable artillery barrage," the boy responded in confusion. "Where'd the fruit come in?"
"It was a food fight, Harry," the man responded with a grin. "In such things, the fruit is often your friend, your ally, and of course, your explosive. The pineapple grenades went off rather spectacularly to be honest."
In front of the pair, Molly Weasley could only stare, her mouth opening in shutting like a fish out of water as she stared between the two, before her husband's voice worriedly called out behind her. "Molly? What about Sirius Black?! You're scaring the kids!"
"I simply must talk to my press secretary about all this," the Black in question grumbled slightly. "It simply will NOT do to have children quivering in fear of me. Totally ruins the mood when I show up, wouldn't you agree Harry?"
"What did you want them to be quivering in then, jello?" the boy asked, a slightly playful gleam starting to light up in his emerald eyes.
"Oh, now there's an idea!" The man nodded quickly, an eager grin on his face. "I haven't had any jello since Lils made some over the summer!" The man paused a moment, before grinning again. "Well, that and that one time I took that witch home after her wrestling match, but really, that was it!"
"Sirius Black is HERE!" Molly finally managed
"Yes, I think we've established that," Harry agreed with the wide eyed Weasley matron. "He says he's here to prove his innocence, by exposing the fact that Peter Pettigrew..."
"That Loki cursed, traitorous rat!" Sirius spat.
"Right, that Peter Pettigrew is still alive," the boy continued. "And was in fact my parent's secret keeper, therefore the one that betrayed them to Voldemort and killed all those people."
"I've always found that to be a rather pretentious name honestly." The grey eyed man spoke up with a sage nod. "He always smelled too much like snake oil gone bad for me to really get into the whole dark lord thing.."
"Right then," Harry nodded again before repeating, "We're here for Peter Pettigrew..."
"The Loki cursed, traitor of a rat," Sirius added again.
"To show that he was in fact my parent's secret keeper..."
"Not me like everyone thought," the dark haired man added glibly.
"And that he is the servant of the hygienically challenged man formerly known as Tom Riddle." The boy paused a moment before looking at Sirius. "That about covers it, doesn't it?"
"Rather nicely I think." The man nodded happily before looking back towards the dumbfounded looking Molly.
"Harry, get away from him before he hurts you!" Molly spoke up, quickly gesturing with her cucumber to the space next to her.
"Um, no offense Mrs. Weasley, but, if he was gonna hurt me, he would've done it instead of bringing me here." The boy pointed out.
"You're going to completely and utterly ruin all my street cred Harry." Sirius pouted, before grinning broadly. "Good!"
"Street Cred?" The boy blinked, eying the man oddly as Arthur Weasley appeared behind Molly.
"Molly, what's all this about... SIRIUS BLACK!" The man began before he caught sight of the man himself.
"Yes, yes." Sirius waved magnanimously. "We've established that already, but really, there is someone we need to fetch."
"Um, yeah." Harry spoke up. "Hey Mr. Weasley? Could you please go get Scabbers?"
"What? Why would you need poor old Scabbers?" Arthur blinked as he eyed the pair warily, "He's been a member of the Weasley family for almost 12 years now!"
"Right, and there's nothing at all odd about that." Sirius pointed out, the bite of sarcasm heavy in his voice. "I mean, a rat living three to four times as long as its supposed to, completely and utterly normal that."
"Quit talking down to my husband you convict!" Molly spoke up angrily.
"I'm not a convict."
"Eh?" The woman blinked before scowling. "Of course you're a convict! You just escaped from Azkaban!"
"No, a convict requires that there be a trial, and there by being convicted of something." Tgain the accused murderer responded casually, a gleam in his eyes. "And since I was never given a trail, or a chance to prove my innocence, I am not a convict. What I am going to do, is clear my name, so I can get back to doing what I should have been doing 12 years ago, taking care of my godson"
He paused a moment, before giving a glare at the two. "So, if you would PLEASE go and fetch the rat? It will just take a moment, and as soon as you do, I'll be more than happy to bring in a bunch of aurors, sound fair?"
"Ooooh you!" The woman glared at the man before Arthur put a hand on her shoulder.
"Molly, it can't hurt," he responded soothingly, before he would move back into the house, before returning a few minutes later holding a sleeping rat and followed by the sneaking pair of George and Fred, their eyes widening even more as they caught sight of Sirius Black. "Here."
"Lazy bugger's sleeping eh?" Sirius grinned, wickedly, before giving a half wave to the boys watching him before he turned and made a waving gesture to the yard. "Oh am I gonna feel this in the morning."
Instantly a group of figures appeared, most prominently among them, a startled looking Amelia Bones, and a frighteningly furious Alastor Moody, with a variety of other Ministry officials and aurors with them. When their eyes fell on Sirius Black, the man grinned as he could feel the sudden levelling of wands all pointed at him. Taking the rat slowly from Arthur's hands, Sirius grinned at the man, "Thanks, now then, ladies and gentlemen, I use the term in its loosest definition in regards to you, Moody, wouldn't want to insult you..."
"Ha!" the man in question growled, tightening his grip on his wand as he held it directly towards the man's heart, "What the hell're you trying to pull here Black!?"
"Well, I thought I'd go about proving my innocence," Sirius grinned back cheekily as he ignored the wands. "Since, I did go and wait almost 12 years for a trial and still never got one."
"Mr. Black!" Amelia Bones glared at the man. "You killed 13 people!"
"Allegedly," the man responded flippantly. "And if you'd have have put me under the proper potion, hint hint, like I would have happily taken, you would have found out that I never killed those people." He paused a moment, making a face before holding up the rat in hand. "Especially Peter Pettigrew, illegal rat animagus, and the true secret keeper for Jame and Lily Potter."
"You're trying to tell us THAT is Peter Pettigrew?!" one of the Aurors called out with a snort.
"I do believe I was actually telling you that," Sirius countered with a grin, before lightly tossing the rat forward and waving his hand. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, PETER PETTIGREW!"
In midair, the rat suddenly seemed to engorge and blossom into a rather plump individual, his beady eyes lain wide as he tumbled onto the ground, squirming as he caught sight of all the wide eyed people around him. The shrill squeak he let loose when he caught sight of Sirius however, caused a number of people to step back and twitch in pain, "S-s-s-sirius!"
"Why yes, this is serious." the man responded, the playfulness suddenly gone as he glared down at the man on the ground, before turning to the group he would casually roll up the sleeves of his coat, revealing unmarked forearms. "Now, note, no mark... However, if you check his..."
He trailed off, before glaring down at the rat animagus. "All those innocent lives Peter... The lives of those you swore yourself brother to, the pact you made and broke..."
"You don't understand, Sirius!" The man almost squealed as he backed himself away from the looming figure. "He would have killed me!"
"Then you should have died," The words brushed past the man's lips as he barely restrained the fury in his words. "Like we would have died for you!"
"Like you cared." The plump man suddenly snarled back, anger thick in his words. "I was just there to amuse you, poor, stupid Peter!"
"We made a vow of brotherhood with you!" Sirius growled again, his burning with emotion. "We meant every word of it! I trusted you, Lily trusted you, JAMES trusted you!" He loomed over the man, his hands, his whole body shaking. "I even trusted you over Remus!"
"It would seem..." Amelia Bones spoke up slowly, carefully. "That we have quite the... situation on our hands."
"Oh, that's the bloody truth," Alaster Moody agreed, his false eye spinning madly as he looked down over the frightened Pettigrew. "This is just a bleedin, raw..."
"Mr. Moody!" one of the female Aurors spoke up, "There are children present!"
"Don't mind me." Harry spoke up, his eyes clouded as his fingers clenched against his hands. "I've got a few things that come to mind that I'd add... This.... thing, cost me my family." The boy paused, before looking at the group before him. "But, I don't think there are words obscene enough to describe that."
Sirius put his hand down on the boy's shoulder, gently giving it a squeeze before his eyes turned towards Amelia Bones. "Ms. Bones, while I'm sure you're supposed to be going and taking me into custody, I must inform you that I must express my regrets at being unable to accompany you. After finding myself lounging in the Ministry's hospitality for over 11 years already, I'm in no rush ."
"Mr. Black," the woman said sternly, "You are still an escaped prisoner!"
"Let me put it this way then Ms. Bones," the man responded easily enough. "I walked out of your prison last time, I will do so again, as soon as you try to put me in it once more. So, instead of myself making your department look like incompetent fools, with a revolving door on the supposedly most secure prison about, you leave me be until trial."
"Mr. Black..." the voice came sternly once more as wands drew upon him.
"I'd listen to him if I were you." A soft voice spoke up, as a lean man in shabby worn clothes spoke up as he stepped from the shadows. "Azkaban only held him before because he allowed it to. Because he thought things were better off that way... Because he thought Harry had been put into my hands."
"Remus." Sirius spoke with a solemn, soft voice. "Its been a while."
"Sirius being serious instead of Sirius for a change," the poorly dressed man noted with a slight smile. "Frightening."
"Its a frightening sort of world these days." Sirius shrugged slightly. "He got you to open up your link huh?"
"Yes." Remus nodded quietly. "I owe you an apology, I thought, since you didn't use your link, that you went off with them, that you couldn't get away... That you broke the brotherhood."
"Eh." Sirius shrugged a bit. "And I owe you one for thinking you were the traitor." He paused a moment, completely ignoring the crowd staring at the two as he clasped Harry on the shoulder. "Believe it our not, this is little Harry... Harry, this is Remus Lupin, a friend of your parents' and mine."
"Its good to finally see you again." The man's lips twitched lightly before he winked at the boy. "Little Harry."
"Little?" the boy in question responded, eying the pair carefully. "I'd like to see how you two do against a 1,000 year old basilisk."
"Excuse me, Mr. Lupin." Alastor Moody growled out, his eye flaring and swirling wildly. " Would you mind explaining to the director just why is it that we should listen to either him or you?"
"Because, I'm fairly certain you really don't want to look like a laughing stock?" Sirius responded cheekily. "Or, you could just cite common sense of not biting off more than you can chew."
"Common sense?" Harry's lips twitched a bit as he shrugged a bit. "From what I hear, we really are kinda lacking in that. Especially me, if you listen to Hermione and Professor McGonagall."
"Two of us here are Chosen." Remus paused before casting a black gaze down upon Peter, "A betrayer, cursed by his Divinity for breaking his oath, and the child of two other Chosen, well..."
"And what exactly do you mean by Chosen, Mr. Lupin?" Amelia Bones eyed the man, before flicking her gaze to Black.
"Moody, why don't you tell her?" Sirius volunteered as he flopped down onto the grass and yawned slightly. "You're the closest thing to a neutral source for her."
"Chosen are the vessels for beings of power." Alastor Moody grunted slightly as he shifted his stance just a bit. "Great Spirits, Gods, various types of magical royalty that no sane being would want to fuck with. They can use the powers given to the ones they bind themselves to, with certain restrictions."
"Are you trying to tell me, that Mr. Lupin and Mr. Black are the two such... individuals?" Amelia Bones spoke up questioningly.
"Sirius Orion Black." The dark haired rogue stood and took a bow. "Somewhere between Chosen and Avatar of Coyote." He offered a lopsided grin. "Depends on how much he feels like taking part in the fun."
"Remus John Lupin." The weathered looking man in the threadbare robes added with a slight wave of his hand. "Chosen of Hermes," he gestured then down at the still trembling Pettigrew." And then you have Peter Pettigrew, FORMER Chosen of Loki."
"Unfortunately, we thought he was enough of a Gryffindor to handle it," Sirius said with a growl. "We were very, very wrong..." He paused a moment, before suddenly grinning at Remus. "Though, kinda amusing really, if he'd died fighting like we would have, he'd have gone to Valhalla with all those Valkyries..."
"Valkyries?" Peter spoke up suddenly, his eyes glazing distantly.
"Yup." Sirius agreed. "Buxom, beautiful Valkyries... waiting to sweep you away." He then grinned down right viciously. "And you threw it away because you valued your life more than those of us who would have died for you."
"But I..." The man started to protest.
"And now, because you were such a bad, bad boy." Remus spoke up. "You don't get any reward for being a good Chosen."
"No Valkyries?" Pettigrew asked pathetically.
"No Valkyries." Sirius confirmed, before turning and eying Remus' robes critically. "I see you still haven't improved your taste in clothes Mr. Moony."
"And you still haven't improved your taste in humor, Mr. Padfoot." Remus countered with a slight smile.
"NO WAY!" A pair of voices called out from the house as two identical red headed boys almost shot out of the Burrow ignoring the protests of their mother with a look of worship on their faces. "You guys are Marauders?!"
"Ah, it would seem our reputations have survived somewhat." Sirius grinned quietly. "Nice to know we had some positive impact on the future generations, isn't it Mr. Moony?"
"Indeed Mr. Padfoot." Remus nodded with a smile.
"But, who're Wormtail and Prongs?" One of the twins asked quickly, their eyes swelled wide with awe.
"Ah..." Sirius grew quiet at that, before sighing as he gestured towards Peter. "The traitorous Wormtail..." And then, he gently walked over to Harry and laid his hands on the boy's shoulders. "And Prong's son."
The twins looked at one another, before instantly falling to their knees, bowing before the surprised Harry as they exclaimed, "We're not worthy!"
"Eh." The boy stared a moment, bewildered at the pair. "Ok..." He scratched the back of his head slightly in confusion. "Someone mind finally telling me what a Marauder is, besides being friends with my father?"
"Why don't you two go take Harry inside and fill him in on some of the details hmm?" Remus spoke up. "While the rest of us get things settled out here."
"Right!" the twins responded simultaneously as they stood up, each taking Harry in an arm and hauling him back into the house, in spite of his feeble protests, his eyes watching the group of adults warily until he vanished behind the Burrow's door.
"Now then, on to business!" Sirius barked out, his eyes almost glowing with delight. "So, would someone please go and take the rat into custody, so I can be assured that he's NOT getting away this time?" He lightly popped the edges of his jacket, "I went through enough trouble because of him running off last time, and I'd rather not have a repeat."
"What you get letting down your..." Alaster Moody began with a smirk.
"Constant Vigilance?" Remus and Sirius finished in chorus, practically singing the words.
"I take it the two of you are familiar with Mr. Moody," Amelia Bones spoke up with a slight smirk before she cast a body bind spell on the worried looking Peter Pettigrew.
"We saw action together in the first war," Remus said softly before shrugging just a bit, as he suddenly smiled at Moody and held up a silvered flask. "Though, back then he was more careful with keeping his drink at home instead of with him."
"What tha-" The man froze as he quickly patted down his pants, and found his flask was indeed missing, his false eye blazing as he glared back at Lupin, "You bloody thief!"
Chuckling Remus tossed the flask back to the man, who caught it deftly with a growl. "Well, I had to make sure that I still had it after all." He paused a moment, before winking at the man. "Besides, how often does one get the chance to pull one over on the great 'Mad-eye' Moody?"
"Bah!" The man grumbled as he limped over to the frozen Pettigrew and grabbed hold of him. "I liked you better when you enjoyed a good drink."
"Drowning yourself isn't enjoying a good drink" Remus pointed out before shrugging softly. "So then, when will the actual trial be then?"
"I still need you to come with me Mr. Black." Amelia Bones spoke up, her voice hard as she gave the man a look. "It is still the law."
"No, actually I do believe you'll note that the law requires that I only be kept a certain amount of time without trial." Sirius countered. "Since that amount of time has clearly lapsed, I released myself into my own care until such time as my trial takes place." Seeing that the woman was about to protest, he held up his hand. "However, lets say I'll limit myself to my family home, Diagon Ally, have to get Harry's school supplies you know, and Hogwarts, and I will not carry a wand, sound fair?"
"Oh, and the Burrow I would imagine." Remus added politely.
"You can't expect me to just leave you around Harry Potter!" The woman glared at the two.
"Yes, I can." Sirius shrugged casually as he ignored the look of outrage on her face. "I walked into the home where he was staying... Rather abusive muggles that he's with I might add, worst kind of em, had plenty of time to do him harm, but instead, brought him here where his friends are. Does that sound like I have any intention of hurting my godson?"
"Mr. Black..." There was a growl burning in the back of the woman's throat.
"Ms. Bones," the man responded with a coldness in his voice. "I respect you, I really do, otherwise you wouldn't be here now." He paused a moment, those eyes burning coldly into her own. "But if you think I'm leaving my godson alone again, after I waited over a decade where justice wasn't done, you will find out just WHAT a Chosen is capable of."
"Amelia." Moody spoke up, his voice far more subdued than it had been before. "Let it go, get the trial published and the manhunt called off. I've seen Black in action, with Lupin backing him up? Not a chance of you taking him down."
"And how do we know Mr. Potter isn't in any kind of danger then?!" the woman demanded.
"Because he can do those things," 'Mad-Eye' growled. "If he had truly betrayed the Potters, he'd be like this one here." The man roughly nodded down at Pettigrew. "Just another wizard. Hell that's the reason so many of us thought he was guilty, because he didn't use those things."
"I gave up." Sirius spoke up softly. "Prongs and Lils were dead... Peter betrayed us, I had practically betrayed Moony here... All those people were dead, I thought Peter was dead too, I thought that Harry would be safe, and that I needed to pay my penance."
The man paused, before those grey eyes blazed in fury. "But it would seem I was wrong. My godson was put into the hands of magic hating muggles. Peter was roaming free, hell living in the same dorm as Harry, in the same bloody room! Remus, who I thought would be taking care of him, was off becoming a drunk, no offense Remus."
"None taken," the man responded with a wave.
"Then when he goes get sober, is beaten down by the same prejudices that I stupidly allowed myself to become suspect to during the war." The man finished before he would lock his eyes on head of the Aurors. "And let me tell you Madam Bones... I have the full backing of Coyote, of Hermes, of Oberon and of Titania, and that's something even Voldemort feared." He paused a moment, letting Moody's nod speak to confirmation, never letting his eyes leave hers. "We played by the Ministry's rules last time, they themselves chose not to."
"And what do I tell the Minister?" the woman finally asked in resignation.
"Well, depends on if you want to force him out of office or not." Sirius grinned, a twinkle in his eyes. "I could turn him into a sheep or something, he does seem to have the personality for one."
"Mr. Black, I would hope you're not insinuating that I would make such a political manuever?" Amelia looked back, a hard glint in her eyes.
"Nope, I was merely offering a suggestion." He grinned back. "And hoping you'd take me up on it. I have to play nice for the moment, so, I can't just go around, changing the political structure of the wizarding world on a whim. I do have rules I have to follow."
"Though, they're a bit more like general guidelines for him." Remus amended up casually. "One of the advantages of being the chosen of a trickster." The man smiled again, his eyes lightly shining. "I have less wiggle room, but more than a typical Chosen would, Peter had more, being the servant of Loki... James and Lily, far less, because of who they channeled. It all depends on the agreement you forge."
"Hence why I picked Coyote." Sirius added quickly. "I get to have fun, do good deeds, and punish those who deserve it, in witty and cunning ways that humiliate and embarrass instead of doing bodily harm."
"Wait... you can't hurt people?" Amelia spoke up carefully.
"With Coyote's powers?" The grey eyed man shook his head with a grin. "Not directly. I can trick them into hurting themselves though, and other people into hurting them. Like, oh, making making a Death Eater look like an Auror, or making someone think they're seeing someone else betraying them..."
"Or, seducing a woman with a really jealous husband, in someone else's form..." Remus spoke up, grinning sweetly at Sirius.
"Oh, you just HAD to mention that one, didn't you Moony?" Sirius grumbled in response, a look of disgust flashing across his features as he twitched in place.
Moody's eyebrow rose in response, before suddenly bursting out with a wicked chortle. "Oh, so YOU'RE the reason ole Crabbe tried to off Parkinson?"
"For reasons of self preservation, I refuse to answer that question." Sirius shivered. "As having to replay those mental images would rob me of what little sanity I have left."
"So when you attacked Pettigrew..." Madam Bones spoke up, cutting them off. "You were breaking your rules?"
"Nope." Sirius grinned. "I was using magic, not my powers as a Chosen. Two completely different things, why its more handy to be a wizard Chosen than a muggle one."
"I see." The woman nodded slowly before arching a brow lightly. "So, what you're saying is that if we tried to take you in..."
"I'd turn you into fluffy bunnies." The man smiled happily. "I think Moody would make a great jack rabbit."
"And I'd be damned sure to bite your carrot off!" The man grunted at Sirius with a sadistic grin on his face.
""Eheh..." Sirius took a step away from the man, eying him nervously. "As always Mad-Eye, you are a nasty, scary bloke."
"Someone's gotta do it," the man agreed with a savage grin. "I simply happen to like it."
"Right then," with a snap of his fingers, the Ministry officials, save Amelia and Moody, suddenly vanished behind a cloud of pink smoke, before it faded to reveal them all suddenly transformed into what amounted to playboy playmates in full bunny outfit. "Now then, do I need to make any further demonstrations?"
"Mr. Black!" There was anger in Amelia's voice as she glared at the man, suddenly pointing at him with a... carrot?
"Oh, ready to feed the girls already?" Remus observed casually. "I think Sirius lost his desire to after Moody's comment."
Moody was simply laughing as his eye whirled madly, capturing the memories of the mix of horror and curiosity that covered the faces of both Aurors and officials. "Almost as good as your Death Eater Cabernet, Black!"
"Well, I thought the Can-can they did was a nice touch personally." Black nodded casually. "Who knew Lucy would end up looking so much like Cissy?"
"Well you never know..." Remus said speculatively. "There were those rumors about your Uncle and Lady Malfoy..."
The sickened look on everyone else's face spoke volumes, though for different reasons. "Please, PLEASE, Remus... it's bad enough I'm related to the man by marriage! Don't speculate about us actually sharing the same blood! It's bad enough I'm related to my own mother!"
At Amelia's look, Remus shrugged a bit. "If you ever met his mother, you'd understand."
"Bah, typical stick up her arse, arrogant, Death Eater sympathizing pureblood bigot." Moody spat out.
"You forgot she was some how part banshee." Sirius added with a wince. "Could make your ear drums bleed she could."
"I tended to just Stupify her and be done with it when she started."the grizzled man smirked back.
"Yes, well you're a bloody mad Auror, I was a bloody teenager when I last saw her." Sirius shrugged. "Now then, if I turn the bunnies back, will you be on your way?"
"I don't like this, but, very well Mr. Black." Amelia nodded slowly. "I will make sure The Prophet posts something about this in the paper tomorrow."
"Lovely!" Sirius agreed with a nod before looking at the bunnies. "Now, as much as I would enjoy the sight of such lovely company, I did make a deal, so... back to your regular frumpy selves!"
And with a wave of his hand, exactly that happened, though the cheekily smiling man quickly found himself awash in dark stares promising no small amount of vengeance upon his personage.
"Now then, see you all soon, but, Mooney and I have some catching up to do with my godson!" And with that, Sirius Black gave a sweeping bow, before walking past the still staring Weasley parents to almost dance into the Burrow in search of the twins and Harry.