by gallantcorkscrews

As we all know, the Twilight fandom has done the mythological equivalent of castration by de-fanging our hero, Edward, and creating the All Human category. In this category, Edward can be seen as a regular ol' human dude. He bartends, he suffers from hearing impediments, he gets prostate exams, and so on. Most importantly, he can have sex without killing anyone.

In this article, I explore some of the more zany and popular characterizations that All-Human Edward has adopted.


An Edward who has adopted major douche qualities and we would mostly ignore him at a frat patry. All the female characters love him due to his suprahuman porn star capabilities. Often seen college/high school fics.


New fics are posted everyday beginning something like this:

::Doucheward tosses out a haughty barb. All the girls swoon because he is SO witty while being degrading.::

Some FF writers/readers are locked forever in our "bad boy" phase. Some of us will forever be chasing the douches, choking on the fumes as their hogs speed off into the horizon, abandoning us at the truck stop.

::Doucheward is kicked out of the blues/jazz club for having a fake ID. He writes an angsty song on his acoustic guitar about how the Black Man oppresses him.::

Fanfic writer I_Wish_Edward_Had_Knocked_Me_Up_And_The_Bug_Man wants to make believe that her baby daddy was actually Edward.

::Doucheward attends fingering and cunilingus conventions at age 12. He is able to dole out consistent orgasms by age 14.---

If she can't have a baby daddy that's more like Edward, she should make an Edward that's more like her baby daddy.

::Doucheward gets upset that Dr. Phil denied his request again. Apparently, his family is not dysfunctional enough to appear on the show.::

She ignores her family by writing her Doucheward. Doucheward is given The Bug Man's stupidity and arbitrary meanness, Edward's good looks, and catch phrases from MTV.

::Doucheward meets Bella. They exchange haughty barbs. Bella changes him into I'veSeentheLight-ward.::


This Edward can heal the emotional/psychological scars of any girl, no matter how traumatic her past was.


In these fics, Bella was abused... or something.

Victim of incest. Saw her mother murdered. Raped by Jacob or Mike or James. Something.

Now she's all WACKED OUT and can't sleep or stand to have people touch her and she scribbles drawings in her notebook and she mutters to herself constantly.... or something like that.

Cause every victim acts like the messy-eyeliner chicks in the Linkin Park videos.


Edward's sex.


"Oh, Edward, your penis is a phallacious Paxil. I must go down on it so my saliva can dissolve the Cymbalta coating off your cock."

"Uh... Bella, you know what would really exorcise the crazy right out of you? Ass sex."

"Why Edward... what ever do you mean?"

"Well, they use to give crazy people lobotomies back in the day. This is sort of like that.. A lo-bottom-y. Heh heh."


A Gay Edward. He can be in a slash fic, but often lurks in the closets of hetero fics.


Gay Edward has a secret.

See, Gayward really isn't Gayward.

Gayward's real name is Gwenyth. Gwenyth is a chick with a dick.

Gayward behaves like a girl- She listens politely, discusses her feelings. She goes on shopping trips with Bella's friends with minimal complaint. She sings Phantom of the Opera in the shower. She obsesses about how her soulmate's feelings but never about her soulmate's ass. She says "lets just take it slow- I don't want to rush this" like a girl. But yet... she is still written as this 'Edward'.

Sometimes, Gwenth has dreams where she is running through the woods and drinking elk blood. Where she once angry and formidable and stalked...

But then all these women captured her and turned her into a wimp...


Sexually dominant Edward that comes with whips and chains and racks and all that kinky shit.


Domward- You were the late bloomer.

Braces. Acne. Arch supports in your shoes. Ecxema. Oily, greasy hair that you grew to your chin and had cut all at one length.

God, you were UGLY.

You were the guy that played Dungeons and Dragons in High School.

You called your salt water aquarium "Middle Earth". You had rock collection- and they were from your favorite geological epoch, Paleocene.


But you had your friends. They all played D&D with you. It was your clique. When you got a wedgie, you had five guys that calculated the air-speed velocity of their foot going up your assailant's ass. Not that it would ever happen. But still.

Then the worst happened. You BLOOMED. Into a sexy ass Swan with gorgeous copper or bronze hair.

And the D&D crowd snubbed you. You were angry.

What would fucking Lord Voldemort do if his cronies snubbed him? He would take over the damn world.

But you didn't have the world. You only had bitches.So you got whips and chains. You're a fucking ORC!

Go conquer the bitches.

A/N: If you think this rant references your favorite story, you may be right. Don't get mad. Chill. I make fun of my shit here. Let's not be sensitive. And if you are mad, look at this way. If the story is roasted- then you know you're popular.

A/N Part Two: Gay-Edward is not meant to be offensive. I have nothing but the most profound respect and admiration for the gay community.