A/N: So Blue Peanut M&M and I were talking and came up with both wanting to do a tag for last night's great episode. She posted hers and I told her I would post mine tomorrow but I finished and well...couldn't wait. It's short, but it's something I wanted to see. Hope you enjoy. Check her's out too. It rocks. Called The Gulf That Grows.
"I don't know when it happened, maybe when I was in hell. Maybe while I was starin' right at ya."
Sam flopped down on his bed, silent. Dean puttered around the room, tension marring his every movement. Sam caught him glancing his way every few minutes, and every few minutes Sam so wanted to look at his brother. Every time he wanted to his eyes would burn and he'd have to stare at the water spotted ceiling just to keep the liquid captive behind his blue green eyes. Sam heard Dean finally flop down on his own bed. Still he stared at the ceiling. Silent.
"All that time you spend whining about your time in hell…those souls you tortured."
Dean stared at the ceiling, seeing much the same as Sam, water spots swimming in the dingy white panels, blurring because of the moisture in his eyes. He kept silent because Sam did, not having said anything since those last words just after Bobby left. They burned into his mind, tortured him. Not because of what they were but because they just weren't true.
"So, are we good?"
"Dean?" Please talk to me, man.
"Sam." Good? I wonder if we'll ever even get close.
"Never mind." Sam whispered, turning away from Dean to lay on his side.
Dean pushed himself upright and looked at Sam to see his shoulders shake just once before they stiffened. He got up and moved towards Sam's bed. A passing semi shone it's headlights into the room and Dean saw Sam go rigid on the bed, a breath whistling slightly as it was pulled through clenched teeth.
Sam turned his head into the pillow briefly before moving back to his original position on the bed, still facing away from Dean. Then he answered. "Hey."
"She was a good person."
"Maddy. Wasn't a monster."
"Sam, I'm sorry."
"I was so alone."
"After you…died. Went to hell. I was so alone. Didn't know what the hell to do. Just…so many times. Wish I coulda died."
"You don't mean that."
Sam jumped on the bed, pushed himself upright so fast Dean started. "You don't think so?! Every night I heard you scream…for me. In my dreams, I heard you hurting Dean and there wasn't a. Damn. Thing. I could do about it. Then…then you were here and it was like I was still alone. You weren't the Dean I knew. It's like you weren't my big brother anymore. I turned to Ruby because she knew me, because she saved me. I was so lost…without you there to save me. She did that and I… it felt good. It felt like someone loved me again and I…."
"Sam stop." Dean said quietly. Sam fell silent, mouth still open slightly. "Words hurt. I taught you that…a long time ago. The problem is I forgot the lesson. I forgot that words hurt. I did come back different. And there's nothing I can do about it. But Sam, I'm still your brother. I'm your big brother. I just have to remember what that's like. I had to remember that words hurt. Worse than a fist, worse than a knife. I'm sorry Sam…Sammy. I need time, but I wanna be that big brother again. The one you need, the one I need to be. Just…"
Sam nodded, pulling his knees up to his chest. "No more secrets and lies."
"No more secrets and lies." Dean echoed.
"Dean, I'm still goin' after Lilith. I have to do it. She took you from me and I can't forget that. I can't just let the bitch go. I need Ruby to do that. But I need you to understand. I need you to…"
"Have your back?"
Sam nodded wordlessly, a single tear escaping a blue green eye. Dean moved closer and turned on the bed, his shoulder brushing Sam's before he leaned back against the headboard.
"Gimme some time Sammy. 'S all I ask."
Dean huffed, the corner of his lip turning up slightly as he raised a cupped hand to his jaw, gently probing the surface. "How the hell much muscle did you pack on while I was downstairs?"
"Dunno. Fifteen, twenty pounds maybe. Why?"
"I think a mule wouldn't kick like you punch. Damn, Sammy."
Sam huffed a laugh and leaned back against the headboard, shoulder brushing Dean's once more as he leaned his head back against the wooden surface. Dean didn't miss the slight flinch, Sam pulling his back slightly away from the headboard. "Your head makes a really good battering ram. Freakin' door didn't stand a chance." Sam sobered and looked at Dean. "We really good?"
"Yeah Sammy. We're really good now."
Hope you enjoyed reading this. Talk to you soon.