A/N: Got this idea while at work. I work at the Children's Center at my university, taking care of infants. I was changing a diaper and randomly got this image of Jasper and Alice at a changing table, staring at a baby in absolute horror…I had to work very hard not to die laughing. Anyway, I decided to bring it to life. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Jasper or Alice or Renesmee. Don't even own the changing table. In fact, it's pretty much safe to say I don't own anything except my laptop (which was a gift), my writing, and the strange ideas I get while working for five hours.
Jasper and Alice stared down at the giggling baby in horror, gently gripping onto the changing table with hands that were even paler than usual. No words were spoken. The only audible sound made by the two vampires was that of Jasper swallowing nervously.
"Well," he spoke softly. "Get on with it."
Alice's head snapped up at him, her eyes wide and disbelieving. "Get on with what?"
"You know," he responded, motioning toward the seemingly happy infant. "Changing her diaper."
Alice froze, clutching onto the changing table a little tighter. "I've never changed a diaper before…Jazz, you have to do it!"
"I've never changed a diaper, either! Don't women just know how to do these things? Whatever happened to maternal instincts?"
Alice looked back at the baby reluctantly. "I think you need to be a mother to have maternal instincts. Besides, no one just knows how to change a diaper. It's something you have to learn, as is everything else with a baby. Jasper, you have to do it."
Jasper's eyes widened. "I am not changing a diaper."
Alice grabbed his hands desperately, her eyes pleading. "Why not? You fought in the Civil War, you can't change a simple diaper?"
He backed away, careful not to trip over the blocks and the abused Jack-in-the-Box that were sprawled on the floor. "This is different, Alice," he hissed, crossing his arms. "I knew what I was up against when I was a soldier. But changing a diaper," he paused, looking back at the baby in absolute horror. "Anything could be in that diaper."
"Not anything, Jasper, just-"
"Don't say it."
Silence flooded the room again as the two companions stared at the child.
"Next time, tell Edward and Bella to leave the kid with Esme. She'll know what to do."
"Jasper, we can't just neglect our niece until she's potty-trained. Come on, we'll do it together."
He only nodded, slowly moving closer to the infant. "Fine. Let's do it."
Alice slowly pulled off Renesmee's pants, exposing the diaper in need of removal.
"I took off the pants, the diaper is your part."
"You're seriously leaving me to do the diaper part?" Jasper exclaimed nervously, looking at his wife in disbelief. "Why am I left with the diaper part?"
"I made the first move. Now it's your turn."
Jasper glared at her before undoing the diaper and leaving it open. He almost jumped away from Renesmee, returning to Alice's side.
Alice stepped up, removed the diaper from beneath Renesmee's bottom, quickly threw it out and stepped back.
To Alice's horror, Jasper immediately reached for a new diaper, prepared to replace it on the infant. She shouted out in protest. "You can't just put a new diaper on! You have to wipe her bottom first!"
Jasper turned to Alice slowly, glaring daggers.
"So let me get this straight. I have to…touch it?"
"Yes Jasper, that's typically how one cleans a child after they make a mess in his or her diaper."
Clenching his jaw, Jasper turned back toward the child and reluctantly reached for a baby wipe. Quickly, and somehow with closed eyes, Jasper managed to clean Renesmee's rear successfully. He stepped back again, hands as far away from his body as possible.
"I think, after that filthy little task, you can take care of the rest." Jasper said slowly and quietly, already trying to forget what had just taken place.
"I think you're right."
Alice approached the child once more, replaced Renesmee's diaper with ease, put her pink flowered pants back on and picked up the child, kissing her on every inch of her tiny face.
Jasper stared in utter confusion.
"How did you make that look so easy?"
Alice turned to him. "What?"
"You changed the diaper as if you…" His eyes widened before shrinking into a disgusted glare. "Mrs. Alice Whitlock, you've done this before, haven't you?"
Alice smiled, proud of herself. "Of course. I wouldn't be much of a woman if I had never changed a diaper before, would I?"
"So this whole thing was just a game?"
"…yes, pretty much."
Jasper threw his hands into his hair in aggravation before immediately pulling them out again, remembering what his hands had just touched. "Why?"
Alice shrugged, pulling Renesmee into her arms lovingly. "I had nothing better to do. I wanted to see if you would actually do it. My visions kept changing…they were sort of amusing." Alice began humming happily before walking out of the room, leaving Jasper to seethe in anger.
He wanted to chase after her angrily, wanted to ask why she would act in such a cruel manner. However, he followed her and saw her blowing raspberries into Renesmee's tummy, giggling along with the happy child. As hard as Jasper fought it, a smile soon grew on his face.
Sitting beside his wife, he sighed. "I'll get you back for that, Mrs. Whitlock."
She continued giggling, though Jasper wasn't sure if it was with Renesmee or at his expense.
"Hmm, I don't think so, Jazz. Even if I didn't have visions, you're still a pretty predictable man."
"Am I?" A malicious smile grew on his face before he tackled his wife, tickling her furiously. Alice shrieked, trying to fight off her husband without success. While she was faster than him, he was by far stronger.
"Okay! You win!"
Jasper chuckled softly before kissing her softly on the mouth. Through closed lips, he whispered, "Never do that again."
"No. Lying I can deal with. The diaper thing, however, will haunt me for days to come."
Alice laughed once more, wrapping her arms around his neck.