I don't own Twilight nor its characters; I am simply using them for entertainment purposes. All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer! All quotes belong to those who wrote them, not me. If I use one of my own, I will say so.
This is a dark tale and will be fraught with angst and tragedy, but every tragedy has a silver lining!
"It is always darkest, before the dawn."
Giving the only thing I had left, I allowed the men that came to me, to soil my body, abuse my body. They used me for their own intense pleasure, and sometimes that intense pleasure turned to anger. They never really noticed the devoid expression on my face, and if they did, well, that was when things started to go down hill…
They could do almost anything to my body, but one thing, and that was not something I was consciously saving, saving for someone special, for the right person, but simply because it was the only thing that was still untainted, something that no one had managed to touch. I was not naive enough to believe that it wouldn't happen, but so far, it had worked.
My life was a circus freaks worst nightmare, but it wasn't my nightmare, it was my waking life. Each moment I spent on the streets, tore another little piece from my heart, my soul. But there was nothing I could do about it. Besides, I promised, this was the last time, no more walking the lone streets in the early hours of the morning, hoping for oblivion, and hoping for a chance to ease the darkness that always threatened me.
I didn't actually believe that this was the last time I would be out on the streets, but I wanted it to be, and then in a sick sort of way, I didn't… But it made no here nor there, because, while I was not going to be on these streets again, there were streets where I was going.
A child of foster homes since an early age, so early in fact, that I couldn't remember anything before it. And just my luck, not even a week after being placed back in the states care, I was once again going to be shipped off to another family, but the joke of all jokes was that I was being taken to a hole in the wall town, where it rarely saw the light of sun. Living in foster homes was bad enough, but at least, when everything felt like it was falling apart, I could take refuge on a lone beach that most people never knew about, and just let the sun and surf wash away all thoughts, it was a reflex to search for some semblance of peace, and perhaps it helped me deal, but how could I hope to find any sort of relief if I lived in a town where there was no sun. Even though, supposedly, thanks to research, there was a "Beach" near by, but it was the sun, as much as the water that helped me make it through another day, another night!
With a heavy heart, I slowly made my way back to the building that had housed me for many years. The state should be ashamed at how easily it was to sneak out of this place. But before I could really think about that anymore, I had to concentrate on getting back inside before anyone woke-up.
I made my way quietly to the large sleeping hall, grabbed the clothes I would need, and headed to the showers. At this hour, there was liable to be no one using it, which was even more to my liking. If I couldn't squeeze my shower in around midnight, without being caught, then I always made sure to get there just before the sun came up, that way, I didn't have to explain the scars, and now, the new bruises that marred my snowy white skin. With a melancholy settling in, I quickly cleaned up and dashed back to my bed. Not even an hour later, the room was bustling with girls complaining, some were excited for the new day, and some were indifferent, and then there were the few, who were somewhat like me, lost so much in their own minds, that everyone avoided them.
No one spoke to me, and I actually preferred that, it was easier to deal with that way. If I didn't get close to anyone, then, no one could hurt me, at least that is what I kept telling myself. Sure, the social workers always tried to get me to talk, but, I did so only when absolutely necessary.
I heard my name called over the system, and slowly picked up my small bag of belongings and made my way to my social workers office, she was a pleasant woman, but she always seemed to want something from me, perhaps it was just my happiness, but, I was leery of any and all adults. I knocked lightly, slipping my metaphorical mask on before I pushed through the door, my eyes were glassy, but there wasn't much I could do about that, even with the mask, people were bound to make a comment about the almost deadness of my eyes…Unless of course, they knew me well enough to not even try.
"Please, have a seat. I wanted to talk to you before your new foster parents arrived. Do you have any questions?" Mrs. Carter asked softly.
I rolled my eyes, unable to stop the sardonic half twitch of my lips. I had been through this more times than half the people here. Since the age of two, I had been living off and on again in the state's "Orphanage", this was going to be my thirtieth foster family in fifteen years.
"No, I think I know the drill." I said quietly. I never raised my voice, which was conditioned in me early on, raising your voice and or crying, were not allowed, of course the social worker sitting in front of me, never knew that, at least as far as I knew. "I would just like to get this over with, if it is okay with you?"
Mrs. Carter nodded her head, already knowing how this was going to go. With a twinge of guilt, she nodded her head. Thinking to herself, she nodded her head for the third time, not bothering with anymore words, they would be wasted anyway, she could tell I had withdrew in to myself the moment she began talking. Sure, I answered her when she spoke, but there was always a lack of emotion from the small framed girl sitting across from her.
She was always worried about this one, no matter what happened from here on out, she would always worry about the one that she had not been able to reach.
"As you wish Bella, I only hope, this time finds the family you so deserve." Mrs. Carter replied, a little sadly.
Not expecting an answer, she picked up her phone and began speaking in a low voice, "Yes, please send them in."
Five minutes later, a knock once again sounded on the door, but not waiting for a reply, they, whoever this couple would be, walked in to the room.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cullen, it is very nice to meet you again, please, have seat." Mrs. Carter said, indicating the two empty chairs.
"Please, call us Carlisle and Esme." The young gentleman said.
I tried to keep my body stiff and unresponsive, tried with all my might to keep my eyes trained on the floor, but the couple who walked in, were for lack of a better word, beautiful. I wondered briefly, why they would ever want to take me in; I would surely sully their obvious perfection.
I didn't listen much as my social worker and my new "Family" conversed, but when I spotted from my peripheral vision, that they were standing, I knew it was my cue to stand up as well. Feeling even more inadequate, I flashed my eyes quickly to Mrs. Carter, shook her hand once, and quickly shuffled from the room, following my new "Parents".
I didn't have to raise my eyes from the floor to hear the whispers that were being bounced off the hallway walls, even while being quiet with their curiosity, I could still hear most, if not all that was being said, and the sad fact was, I had to agree with everything, everyone was saying. Hunching my shoulders even more, I followed the Cullen's to their car, and was once again struck dumb. They expected me to get in that thing…It probably cost more than a Pre-Med degree at Harvard! All the windows were tinted a very dark color, not black, but close, maybe midnight blue or something, it was an off the wall thought anyway, what did it matter what color they tinted their car windows…
Unable to stop myself, I started backing away from the vehicle, but before I could take more than a few steps, a firm, cold hand lightly touched my shoulder, and before I could stop myself, an almost silent scream escaped my lips.
"Shh, it will be okay, I promise." Carlisle all but whispered.
Esme gently took my hand and helped me in to the car. I could feel panic setting in, but was powerless to stop it. I quickly slipped my seatbelt on and closed my eyes. Begging to some deity, "Please, let me fall asleep, please…"
Esme, glanced warily at Carlisle, worry etched across both their faces. "Ready my dear?" Carlisle asked. Esme just nodded her head, knowing it was answer enough.
I kept my eyes closed, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would not be able to slip easily in to sleep and even if I did, I did not think it wise. My new "Parents" while probably versed in all my inadequacies, would more than likely ship me back to the Orphanage if they heard one of my piercing screams, thanks to a nightmare, that was the only time I couldn't keep quiet, or keep the tears from falling, when my body was so exhausted that I had no control. And suddenly, I wondered if that was the way to get out of all this. But with heaviness in my heart, I knew I could not purposefully hurt these people, I could not hurt anyone intentionally.
I had eleven months to go, and then I could break out on my own and never have to worry about the "System" or another foster family again. I would be 18, and finally allowed to be my own person. Not that I actual had any idea what I would do or how to do it, but, if I didn't have to depend on other people any longer, I was sure I could figure something out, I hoped…
While sitting in the back of the car, my mind went to my last night in Phoenix, pulled through the darkness until I was once again in the little motel room, the puke brown carpets that looked nothing like carpets any longer, the bed, which looked more like a debilitated monstrosity hulking in the middle of the room. The mattress's I was sure if one removed the undesirable bedding, would show stains of numerous bodily fluids from all who had used it before, not like the bedding looked any better, but between the mustiness and the lemony detergent, it at least looked a small, infinitesimal bit better. It made my stomach clench in disgust, but, what could I really say, I was the one who brought us here, I knew what I was going to be doing, and whether my heart screamed that I was being foolish or not, I didn't faultier as I slowly slipped my jeans down my legs, tossing them in to the corner, hoping nothing would make a home in them, while I was here, it had happened before.
I shrugged out of my shirt, I had lost so much weight lately, that nothing fit right, so instead of bothering with the buttons, I just let the material slide off my body and tossed it as unceremoniously as I did my pants, to the corner, no underwear and no bra, there wasn't really a point, I was here for one thing, and one thing only.
The man standing behind me, he quickly shucked his pants, but either felt the need to keep his shirt on, or decided he wouldn't be here long enough for it to matter. It made no here nor there to me; I just wanted to get it over with.
I knew what he wanted, and he had paid for it, so I sunk slowly to my knees on the grungy carpet, and took him between my lips. While my back was turned, he had slipped on a condom; thankfully, he didn't have any problems with that. Although, I really wouldn't be here if he did, it was just the way I worked.
His one hand slipped into my hair, pulling and pushing to his liking, his other hand, slipped down to my shoulder squeezing with brutal force. I could feel the indents of his fingers, he was going to leave on hell of a reminder behind, and the bruising had already begun.
As he pumped his cock in to my mouth, I wondered how long this was going to take, some of these guys had great stamina, my jaw after some of these "Session's" would always hurt, and I would end up spending days eating nothing but soup, because I couldn't open my mouth wide enough to put anything else in, when I bothered with eating at all.
Thankfully, he wasn't going to last long, I could feel the way his knees quaked as I added a little extra pressure to my sucking, and just like that, he was done, at least for the time being.
No words were exchanged besides when we first made out deal; again, I preferred it this way.
Twenty minutes later, and a few drinks, he was ready again, he wanted me on my knees, whatever worked for him, I really wasn't here anymore, I don't think I was actually here at all, at least in mind, my body was, but, I couldn't do much about that. Every once in awhile, I had to keep reminding myself, this was what I wanted.
He entered me roughly; taking my ass like it was the only thing keeping him tethered to this room. His hands started out squeezing my breast, bruising the tender flesh there, and then his hands slipped a little lower, grasping my sides before finally settling on my hips, but as he was pounding in to my already sore body, he decided he wanted to feel a little more, he squeezed the front of my thighs like they were a life line, and before I could even understand what was going on, he came, collapsing on my back. His considerable weight pushed me further in to the bed, all but cutting off my oxygen supply. He left shortly after regaining his senses, but before he left, he turned to the bedside table, slapped a little extra money down and looked at me strangely, I had never seen that look before, but it left me feeling even more, unclean.
I didn't do this for my own pleasure; it was never about me enjoying it, hell, in all this time, I had yet to have on orgasm. For me, the only pleasure I wanted was the abyss.
I wasn't sure how long we had been driving, but the silence was welcomed, I shook my head trying to dispel the images that were plaguing my mind. It felt like these things always snuck up on me, no matter where I was or when, they just had to make me relive them, you would think doing it once was bad enough, but reliving them, day in and day out… Finally, with a deep sigh, I opened my eyes and almost wished I hadn't. The sun had changed its position sometime during my self-blindness, but, what I had trouble understanding was the fact that the sun looked ready to set, and even though this morning and even now, the sun was hidden behind clouds, you could still see where it was, it left a golden-rouge tinge to the white fluffy masses. Digging deep within myself, I spoke, "Wh-what time is it, where are we?"
Esme turned slightly in her seat, a small smile playing on her lips. "It is almost five, and we should be home soon. Are you hungry?"
"No, not really, but I do need to use a restroom, I'm sorry to be a bother." Bella said sadly, looking at my twined fingers.
"It is not a problem, there is a gas station up ahead, on the outskirts of Port Angeles or we could stop at a little restaurant and have a bite to eat." Carlisle replied, giving me the choice.
"Umm, whatever works for you is fine, I can wait." I said, not even bothering to look up as I switched from playing with my hands to tugging relentlessly on the hem of my shirt.
"Carlisle how about we just get home, I am sure Bella is tired, besides, it is only twenty minutes until home, and that way, Bella can have some time to herself before supper, and then we can introduce everyone." Esme said quietly, her musical voice unable to hide the slight apprehension that colored her words.
"Excuse me, ev-everyone?" I squeaked. Finally looking up with sheer terror written on my face, my mind began to race, and I wondered how much I could have missed, had Mrs. Carter actually mentioned that there were other people, other kids…
"I am sorry, Bella, we had planned to talk on the way home, but you looked like you needed the rest, so we didn't want to disturb you." Carlisle said, briefly glancing in the rearview mirror to gage my reaction. "We…Well, you see, we have five other children…" He stuttered, but stopped before saying anything else, he saw the way my eyes widened even more, and then how I quickly ducked my head and placed it between my knees. Being a doctor, he knew the signs of hyperventilating, and was glad to see I knew how to calm myself, albeit, it didn't sound like it was helping any.
"Why, why would you want me, if you have five of your own children?" I asked from between my legs, the words coming out in static-like little bursts.
"While we think of them as our children, they too are adopted…" Esme said, but even from Bella's current position, I could tell that it sounded like Esme was going to say more, but decided against it.
"Oh!" I said, desperately hoping my heart would stop beating so loudly in my head and that my breaths would slow down, I could see the dark wings of unconsciousness trying to invade my sight, but fought it back with every ounce of strength I had. Now was not the time to pass out.
Before I could really get a grasp on anything, Carlisle spoke, "Bella, were here!"
Had it really been twenty minutes already, had I really been hyperventilating for twenty minutes, and the absurdity of that thought made me wince, of course I had been, that's why the darkness was even closer. I tried to say something, anything, but I couldn't move, could not even think at the moment, so instead of making more of a fool of myself, I stayed curled in to myself.
I felt a cool breeze against my clammy body and realized one of the Cullen's had opened my door. I tried to raise my head, but having been hunched over for so long, and the lack of oxygen, I felt weak, not bothering to fight the darkness anymore, I welcomed it, and just before it enveloped me completely, I felt a set of strong, icy arms reach around me, pulling me tightly against an almost stone-like chest, and then blessedly, darkness was mines.
"No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear."
I came slowly awake and the first thing I noticed was the unimaginable softness of whatever I was laying on. It was heavenly, but that only compounded my disorientation. I lay there, trying to remember, and slowly, like a dense fog lifting, I began to remember. Before I could even think about all the ramifications to my actions, there was one thing I really needed to take care of.
I opened my eyes cautiously, and couldn't help my gasp of shock. The room was gorgeous, all dark blues and creamy whites. Everything was exquisite, I had never seen anything like it, and it hurt my heart, more than I could say. My bag lay on the sapphire crushed velvet sofa, looking completely out of place. Unable to sit still any longer, I quickly scanned the room, taking notice of four doors; I had a moment of indecision, but decided before I completely humiliated myself, that I had to find the bathroom.
Trying the first door, I was shocked by the size of the closet; it was disconcerting and made me slightly fearful, how anyone could need such a huge space for clothes was beyond me. Slowly closing the door, I tried the next and sighed in relief and horror. I had my own bathroom, also decorated in the same blue and creamy white as my room, but in here, the counters were what looked like marble, as well as the floor, the tub had to be marble as well, but I couldn't wrap my mind around it, everything was beautiful, but how did one use such beauty for human necessities… Unable to stop the blush that rushed to my cheeks, I quickly did what I needed, washed my hands and ran back to the bed, heaving myself on it, and burying my face in the thick velvet-like comforter.
Doubts began to swirl in my mind, how could I possibly stay in this home, the Cullen's were obviously very wealthy, but for the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged even less than any time before. As my doubts began to swirl through my mind, I heard a soft knock at one of the doors. Wanting nothing more than to be left alone, I put my doubts and fears aside, and said, "Come in." There would be time later for me to think about everything, it is not like I slept much, some nights, some weeks, not at all…
"Hello dear, how are you feeling?" Esme asked quietly.
"I—I'm good, umm, sorry about earlier." I replied, looking quickly down to my hands.
"Nonsense, you were overwhelmed, it is to be expected with such a change. I am sure you are hungry, how about I bring you something to eat?" Esme asked.
Before Bella could reply, there was a loud huff in the hallway, sounding very feminine. Esme rolled her eyes and quickly darted her head out in the hallway, "Alice, you can meet Bella later, allow her to get settled before you bombard the poor girl." Esme quickly looked back, a small smile touching her lips.
Talking a deep breath, I pulled myself from the bed, and slowly walked towards Esme. "It's okay; I might as well meet everyone now, pull the Band-Aid off quickly…" I replied, slowly trailing off, my mouth twitched slightly, hoping it would be enough. I didn't feel brave, but I knew that school started tomorrow, and I didn't need to try and meet my new "Family" moments before going to school, it would be enough of a circus then.
Esme looked at me closely, then gave a decisive nod, "Very well Bella, if you are sure, there is no pressure."
"It will be fine." I replied, looking everywhere but at my new mother.
Esme pushed the door further open, waiting for me to walk through, taking another deep breath; I walked through the door and wondered briefly, where "Alice" had gone. Almost as if she could read my thoughts Esme said, "Alice went down stairs, to wait with everyone else to meet you."
I walked silently down the stairs, but of course, when would my luck ever hold, four stairs from the bottom, and I tripped, sprawling gracelessly to the hard floor. As I was pushing myself up from the floor, I felt a pair of cold hands grasp me lightly around my forearms. I wondered curiously if everyone in this household had a problem with circulation. But my thoughts suddenly hit a brick wall, and all I could do is stare. A pair of golden honey eyes met mine, and then it looked as if they were searching my rather plain brown ones, what they were looking for I couldn't be sure, but suddenly, breathing was a problem, I forgot the intricacies of seventeen years, of in and out. In wasn't working and out was no use either, since there was nothing in my lungs to expel, and then, the vision before me laughed lightly and said, "Breathe" I shuddered slightly, pulling my gaze from his, and began the difficult task of inhaling and exhaling.
With gentle hands, he pulled me to my feet, but as he did so, his eyes suddenly darted to my pant leg. I was a little fuzzy and the God-like man standing before me was taking all of my attention, but when his eyes shot to my leg and then almost pushed me to the floor in his haste to get away from me, I wondered what the problem was, it didn't take long, my confused mind finally picked up the sharp stinging that was coming from my knee and I noticed in a faraway manner that I was bleeding, of course with understanding, the sharp rusty penny smell hit me, twisting my stomach. Not like it hadn't happened before, or wouldn't again. However, everyone, who I was now, just taking in, was looking at me like I was a freak, not that I wasn't, but something didn't make sense…
As I stood there, wondering what I should do, Carlisle came quickly over to me, looking at me, to my weeping knee, he led me slowly over to a chair, and before I could even say a word, he ripped the hole in my jeans wider, ruining, the only pair I owned, worse, but while ripping, perhaps not knowing his own strength, he not only ripped the hole wider by my knee but it went three quarters of the way up my thigh.
I hadn't noticed when Esme had left or returned for that matter, but sitting beside Carlisle was a doctor's bag. I stopped looking at my leg, I was becoming very dizzy and my stomach once more decided that it was not taking kindly to the smell. Trying to focus on anything but my leg, I tried to take in all the faces, I briefly had to give myself credit for making one hell of an entrance, but, they didn't seem to be looking at me, just at my leg.
And then it hit me, this morning, while I was showering, I had noticed large hand print bruises covering my thighs and stomach, while not worrying if my butt looked like that too, but my left collarbone was also deeply bruised, but thankfully my shirt covered that. I knew my hips had the worst of the marks; they spread out in long patterns… When you were as skinny as me, you bruised easily, not to mention I was probably lacking in a lot of nutrients that could help guard against this type of bruising, but the sad fact was, I didn't care.
I no longer knew where to look, but that too was taken out of my hands as Carlisle gently probed the bruise on my thigh and I screamed. Trying not to look, but seeming unable to look away, I saw everyone looking at the bruise, and saw everyone knew what it was too, it's not like a person could hide a hand print bruise while it all but stared them in the face. Unable, perhaps unwilling to take anymore pitiful stares, I fled up the stairs to my "Room" and quickly shut the door.
I wondered how long I had before someone came, but blessedly, time began to slip slowly by and after two hours of nothing, I felt content in my solidarity.
"We must not say every mistake, is a foolish one."
Carlisle was the first to speak, "We have to give her time, she has been through a lot, and I am only just now wondering if it is more than even the social worker knew." He ran a hand through his hair, hoping to calm the irresistible urge to punch something, he was always a calm man, but the bruises on her body, and he wasn't foolish enough to believe the one he saw, was the only one, he knew how, at least suspected how they got there.
He heard the growl before he even registered who it was, but could his heart beat in fright, he understood it was not just one person in his family, but all of them. They too had come to the same conclusion, or a version of it. And he knew it was not pity or scorn that caused them to act in such a fashion and for a brief moment, a smile touched his face. The fact that he and Esme had brought another person in to their life, a human no less, was at the beginning, hard for them to understand, but having seen her, it seemed like everyone had been taken by her, it was truly hard not to be.
Being such a close family, they had no secrets, so they shared what they could about their newest addition, and at the time, the "Kids" had taken it as they would anything else. She was a human, who had had a hard life. They could feel compassion for her, but they had all had a hard life, it wasn't easy being vampires…
"Dad?" Edward said, his voice, barely a whisper. "I can't hear her thoughts, I thought, maybe it was because she passed out or something, but I can't hear anything, why?"
"Umm, Dad, I can't see anything in her future either, actually, it's more like I can't see anything pertaining to her…" Alice supplied, looking almost ashamed.
"I don't know why that is, I wish I had the answers. What I do know, she is going to need us, and I have a feeling it is not going to be easy. From what I have been told, she is very withdrawn, she rarely speaks, and she hasn't raised her voice above a whisper in ten to twelve years, maybe more." Carlisle said quietly, knowing even with the sedate tone of his voice, that it would not carry up the stairs.
Esme looked like she wanted to cry, more so than every before, but with steal in her spine and determination on her face she turned and looked at her family, "Who would hurt her like that, how could anyone want to hurt her?"
Carlisle stepped quickly, yet silently to her side, embracing her. He knew it was going to be hard, but he had hoped that with some love and acceptance that they could help her. He looked his family over and saw the murderous look on Rosalie's face, something wasn't right, and he feared that Rose knew more than they did.
"Rose, what is it?" He asked, almost afraid of the answer.
"Can't you smell them on her?" She asked in a hiss, "The smell is light, but I can smell hundreds of men on her." Not waiting for anyone to say anything, Rose stood quickly and head out the back door. "I need to hunt."
Emmett jumped up quickly and followed her, not bothering to say anything, it was obvious there was nothing to say.
Silent sobs wracked Esme's small frame, no tears would be shed, but the emotion was there. Her body shook with her effort to calm herself. "What can we do?"
Never in all his many years, had he ever felt so helpless, he did not know how to help the young woman. He only knew he had to, there was no other option.
Edward, Alice and Jasper all remained sitting, all lost to their own thoughts. All as helpless to help the soul above them, knowing life was unfair was one thing, but seeing that truth so very close, was another completely.
"I can't imagine her coming out of her room any time soon, so I think we all need to hunt, feed as much as possible; we don't need to cause her anymore problems by one of us slipping. Jasper, you okay?"
"I'm fine." He replied sullenly, stalking silently out of the house.
The rest of the family followed shortly after, while Esme looked sadly up the stairs. With a deep sigh, she followed her husband. "I don't like leaving her alone…"
"I know dear, but perhaps she needs some time, we won't give up!"
"A misery is not to be measured from the nature of the evil, but from the temper of the sufferer."
I wasn't sure at first, but when I heard it a second time, I almost rejoiced. Holding my breath, I walked slowly to my bathroom, jumped in the shower, and quickly washed all the blood down the drain. Knowing what I was about to do, hurt, but also felt wonderful, I was taking back the abyss. And while I promised to never do it again, I couldn't stop, I knew that as surely as I knew that I couldn't stop breathing, at least on my own.
I grabbed my bag, slipped the short skirt out and shimmied in to it, not even bothering with underwear. I had learned long ago, it was a waste of time and money. My shirt would do, I just tied it up around my breasts, it showed enough, it would have to, my other one, at the moment, was un-wearable, thanks to earlier this morning, wow, was it really this morning, it feels like eons ago… I didn't bother with make-up, at least not for my face; I used some cover-up for my thigh's, my stomach, hips, any place that was going to be showing. It wouldn't do to look like I was a walking punching bag.
I held my breath as I walked slowly down the stairs, praying I wasn't hearing things before, but as I reached the front door, I noticed no one was here, at least not in the house, or so I hoped. Hopefully, they wouldn't know I was gone, assuming I just stayed in my room.
Not sure exactly which direction to go, I waited till I reached the end of the driveway and decided that my predominate hand was leading me to the right. I guess they were right when they said you almost always followed your writing hand, when you were walking without a true destination in mind. Another piece of useless information that I had collected, but it seemed all the useless information I collected remained.
My mind tried to pull me in to the darkness, but with my course set, I didn't bother worrying about the darkness of my heart and mind, at least not just yet, besides, this wasn't the darkness that I was needing, I needed complete, unequivocal oblivion, soon enough I would shove all of it out of the way, and while that abyss was darker than anything in my heart or mind, it was a welcoming feeling. I just needed to get it to come back to me. My one true friend needed to make its way back to me, and I would, sadly or not, do anything to have it!
An hour and a half later I reached a somewhat small sleepy town. People still walked the sidewalks, and a few of the bars were still open, and that was just what I needed.
"In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain."
"What were we thinking, leaving her alone?" Esme all but screamed.
Edward winced at the uncharacteristic shriek coming from his mother, in all the time he had known her, she had never done that. And the crystal vase paid the price, shattering on the small coffee table.
As soon as they entered the house, they knew she wasn't there, the absolute silence was almost deafening. When they left, they could all hear her heartbeat, but now, the house seemed shrouded in not only silence but despair as well.
"Do we go looking for her, how can we not, but if we do, will we just scare her more?" Esme asked the quiet room.
"It's late, and while I want nothing more than to find her, and bring her back here, I think we need to give her some space. This can't be easy on her; perhaps she is just out walking, trying to clear her head." Carlisle said, hoping beyond hope that he wasn't wrong. "You guys should head up to your rooms, when she comes back, we don't need to frighten her with something resembling an inquisition. If she isn't home by dawn, well split up and go searching."
Everyone nodded their head, but looked more like they wanted to argue. But Carlisle had used his calm and decisive tone, which everyone knew not to rebuke.
With the lights extinguished, Carlisle and Esme took their seats on the couch, looking for all intents and purposes, as if they were nothing more than marble statues.
"I'm worried about her!" Esme said finally.
"So am I dear, I think there is a lot we don't know, I don't know if we can save her, from herself or anything else…" Carlisle whispered, his train of thought slowly stopping.
"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
It didn't take long, a few passes by the bar and I had what I needed. Well, not really, but he would do. His breath was horrible, but he was lucid enough to understand the rules.
"Where you want to do this?" I asked, not really caring, just wanting my drug of choice, oblivion.
Not bothering to answer, he kept pawing me and moving me further in to the darkness behind the bar.
This was not something I wanted to do, being outdoors; it didn't allow me to slip completely in to the darkness, because, no matter what, I had to remain somewhat conscious of what was going on around me…
There was nothing loving about this, it wasn't love I was looking for. And with unbearable pain, he shoved in to me, the condom offering a little lubrication, but not nearly enough. And with a sick sense of humor, I realized I was once again bleeding, but this time, it was hindering his movements, the gritty texture working against my body, but he cared not, he was using this body, my body.
His fingers splayed across my breasts digging painfully in to the soft flesh, darkening the already bruised flesh. With each thrust he, well, I am not exactly sure what he was trying to do, but I had a pool of drool running down my neck and back. Closing my eyes to the sights before me, I tried to crawl a little deeper in to the darkness, but with a final thrust, he was done. He stumbled away from me, his knees almost refusing to hold up his considerable weight. Nevertheless, as I moved to pull my skirt back on straight, he lumbered forward, his breath making me gag. One second he was standing somewhat straight, the next he was trying to push himself in to me, when I quickly squeezed my legs closed and kneed him in the groin, he backhanded me and sent me sprawling on the dirty back alley. It wasn't the first time this had happened, and since I couldn't seem to stop abusing myself, I doubted this would be the last time. Without giving myself time to think, I jumped up and began to stumble down the alley, hoping the knee to the groin was enough, it would have to be, because the way my head was screaming, there was no way, I could handle another round with him. A note for next time, pick smaller guys, while it did not mean they would be weaker, it could, and that was something I had to hold on to.
Once I left the town limit behind and began the long walk home, I realized that my right eye and cheek bone didn't feel right. Obviously they were bruised and swollen, but it felt like something else as well. Even light probing made me wince and the world to twist at an unnatural angle.
What took me an hour and a half the first time, now took three hours. I gasped in happiness to finally see the house. Dawn couldn't be very far off; I only hoped that I could cover up my latest injuries. While my face was the worst of it, my legs had taken some abuse as well. The hard ground of the alley had given me, I suppose the term is road rash, but this felt worse, I wasn't stupid, I know I was bleeding from many small cuts and scratches. Just another night, just another man, I told myself.
While I would never feel a sense of home here, it was still nice to see, it meant I could finally sit down. And that was a marvelous thing. I needed a shower badly… I could feel blood crusted to my butt and upper thighs and wanted nothing more than to wash the evidence away. My legs were exhausted; I wasn't sure how much longer I could stand.
As quietly as possible I ascended the porch stairs, hoping nothing would squeak and give myself away. Quickly I tried to remember if the door creaked when I left, but for the life of me, I couldn't recall, it was just a foggy shape in my memory.
Gently I pulled open the door and slipped inside; with two silent but quick steps I made it to the staircase, but was halted as a light flipped on. Trying to think quickly, I quickly mounted the stairs, but was stopped by a soft, concerned voice.
"Where were you? What happened to you?"
Unable to turn around and expose them to just how bad it was, I said in a small voice, "I needed to get out and think, I went for a walk, and, and fell down a few times." Not waiting to see if they bought it or not, I quickly tried to race to the top of the stairs, and there before me stood the one person I really didn't want to see, but longed to see, a conundrum of epic proportions. His eyes were no longer golden, but black as night, with no moon to cast even a sliver of light. He took in my appearance and growled. It was the most feral and heart wrenching sound I had ever heard. I wanted nothing more than to curl in to myself and never move, to never see the look of such pure torture or pain ever again or the plethora of other emotions and feelings crossing his face.
I heard their voices from below me, but my mind couldn't make them out, I was slowly slipping in to the oblivion that I wanted, finally.
Once again, someone's arms encircled me, pulling me close. I tried to hide within the darkness, knowing there were going to be too many question, questions I didn't have answers for, but like so often, the darkness, the beautiful oblivion deemed me unworthy and was tossing me to the wolves…even if it was only metaphorically.
I tried to keep my eyes closed, but that beautiful voice plucked at my willpower, reducing it to embers before I even knew what was going on. With something like a sob, I finally forced my eyes open and immediately wished I hadn't.
Never before had I wished the ability to scream, cry, anything, anything would be better than what I was now faced with. I had thought I had known hell before, but this was new, this was beyond excruciating, it was debilitating.
I think I finally knew what complete and utter brokenness meant, I had nothing left to give, and even the beautiful man hugging me close, couldn't break me out of my emotionally, self-erected prison. Even the sorrowful look on his face couldn't penetrate. I lay shivering, devoid of all emotions, not even pity, which I hated beyond all else, could pierce my now cold, black heart.
This was the nothingness that I had searched for, for all my life, and the irony of finding it, while encompassed within this God-like creatures arms was beyond funny. It was the pinnacle that drove that final nail in my still living, proverbial coffin.
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