A/N:This story popped into my head after watching the eppie Sex & Violence. I wanted more of a resolution about what the boys said to each other during the big showdown. It takes place a couple of days after the siren is killed.
Warning: If you're a fan of Ruby then this is probably not the story for you.
Disclaimer: The wonderful Winchesters and anything else you recognize belong to the amazing Eric Kripke. Everything else is just a figment of my imagination.
Slowly, Sam stood up and walked over the grave. Standing beside his brother, he watched as the bones of one Jeremiah Miller burned til there was nothing left, but a pile of ashes. Sam's body was still sore from his showdown with Dean only a couple of days earlier and after being thrown around the graveyard by an angry ghost, he wanted nothing more than to have a hot shower and a good night's rest. However, they still had a big hole to fill in.
Silently, Sam and Dean refilled the grave. Even though Dean has said things were good between them, Sam knew different. They hardly spoke and Dean had insisted on splitting up when they worked the case of the ghost inhabiting a car dealership. Sam could still hear the hateful words he spewed to Dean during their siren induced fight. He wished that there was something he could say to his brother to make up for his harsh words, but he knew there wasn't. He might not ever be able to make amends with Dean and that realisation crushed his soul.
Sam knew what Dean had said was true. He was keeping secrets. He hadn't like doing it, but Ruby said Dean wouldn't understand. She said that Dean wouldn't care that Sam was saving lives. Sam could understand where Dean was coming from. Look at his family, their parents were killed by a demon. Jessica, the woman that he had loved and wanted to marry, was killed by a demon. How could Sam even think about working with a demon? He wondered what his dad would think of him working with Ruby. He knew the man wouldn't have been happy. Hell, he'd probably be madder than when he found out Sam wanted to go Stanford.
So with all of that, why was Sam working with Ruby? It certainly wasn't because he loved her. Because he didn't. And it certainly wasn't because of the fact that, in a moment of loneliness, he had slept with her. It came down to Lilith. Ruby saved Sam when he was at his lowest and she offered to help Sam kill Lilith. He knew that wouldn't bring his brother back, but he hoped that it would take away some of the painful ache that settled in his soul when his brother died. Of course, at the time, he didn't realize how much teaming up with Ruby would cost him. Giving a sideways glance to Dean, Sam couldn't help, but wonder if one day soon he would lose his brother for good. This time not to death, but to lies and deceit.
After wiping his dirty hands against his jeans, Dean grabbed his shovel and headed towards the parking lot. He didn't even bother to make sure his brother was following him. Stopping at the Impala, he opened the trunk to stow his shovel and waited for Sam to to do the same before he shut it.
Glancing at his brother, Dean frowned when he noticed the thin line of blood trickling down Sam's neck. The cut on his neck must have opened up again when the ghost tossed Sam around like a beanbag. "You're bleeding."
"Your neck is bleeding."
Bringing a dirt and grime cover hand up to his neck, Sam felt the cut. Sure enough, when he pulled his hand away, there was blood on it. Once inside the impala, Sam grabbed some napkins out of the glove-box and pressed them against his neck. They would have to do until he got back to the motel and could wash up.
Normally, Dean would have been all over his brother, making sure he wasn't seriously injured, but right now he wasn't in the mood to be the caring big brother. Ever since he found out how Sam really felt about him, Dean had felt a shift in their relationship. His Sammy was gone to only to be replaced by a Sam he didn't know.
Frowning, Sam noticed that he had three missed phone calls from Ruby. No doubt she had left a rambling message. He had been avoiding her for several days, not sure how to deal with the demon. She had called him after the run in with the siren demanding to know why he had called and hung up on her. After everything that happened, Sam figured it was best if he cut all contact with Ruby for a while. That didn't sit well with her when he mentioned it. But if Sam wanted to repair his relationship with Dean, which he did, then he knew he had to steer clear of Ruby.
Tossing his cellphone into his duffel bag, Sam sat down at the little table in the kitchenette to wait for Dean to finish up in the bathroom. He was so tired, he felt like he could pass out, but there was no way he was getting in bed with out a shower. His body felt like it was covered in dirt. There was no way was he gonna sleep like that.
Dean exited the bathroom, a trail of steam wafting after him. Pulling down the sheets, he climbed into bed and rolled on his side facing away from Sam.
"I hope you left me some hot water," said Sam. He felt a knot form in his stomach when Dean didn't reply. Ever since they left the graveyard, Dean hadn't said one word to him and apparently the silent treatment was going to continue.
After a nice hot shower, Sam felt more relaxed. Wiping the steam off the mirror with his hand, he checked the cut on his neck. Sam was a little dismayed to see how read and puffy it looked, but he chalked it up the hot shower. He knew he should put some neosporin on it before he went to bed, but the first aid kit was in the Impala and he was too tired to go outside and retrieve it. Quickly, he got dressed in his pajamas and after brushing his teeth, he exited the bathroom.
After glancing at his brother, who was already asleep, Sam crawled into bed and waited for sleep to claim. With the way he felt, you'd think it would be easy for him to fall asleep. However, like the past couple nights, Sam lay awake with the harsh words he said to Dean running through his head. He wished he could chalk it up to being under the siren's spell, but he knew that wasn't the case. Sure the spell amped up his feelings and it was the spell that made Dean cut his throat, but Sam had meant what he said. It didn't come out right, but he deep down inside he knew he meant it. Not the way Dean perceived it though.
When his dad died, Sam hurt, but he was able to move forward knowing his dad wouldn't want him to mope around forever. Sure there was a hole in his heart, just like the holes he carried around for his mom and Jess. When Dean died, Sam felt like his heart had been ripped out. It was a pain unlike any he had ever known. Sam was barely existing. He had taken to living recklessly as he no longer cared whether he lived or died. Then Ruby appeared to help him pick up the pieces of his shattered life and carry on. He found a reason to go on. The only thing he could think of was killing as many demons as he could until he could get to Lilith. The best part was that he could save lives while doing it. He couldn't save Dean, but he was able to save others. Husbands, wives, sons, daughters, brothers and sisters. The people he saved were someone's family, someone's reason for living. Then a miracle happened. He got Dean back. Ruby had said it wasn't possible. It took all of her strength to be able to crawl out of hell. She said that there was just no way that someone as new to hell as Dean would be able to escape. At least not for several hundred years. But he did. He may have had help from angels, but he was out. He was alive and Sam was damn well going to make sure it stayed that way. So was Sam a better hunter? Yes, because he could use his mind to banish demons without killing innocent people. Dean couldn't. He could try to capture a demon in a devil's trap and exorcise with a Latin ritual. There was a chance though that the demon could get the upper hand and Dean could be hurt or worse, killed. Sam wasn't going to let that happen. Dean could track down the colt and use that on demons. However, the guilt of killing innocent people would eventually swallow him alive. Sam wasn't going to let that happen. So the only thing left to do was for Sam to use his powers. Resisting the urge to scratch his itchy neck, Sam fell into an uneasy sleep.
More to Come
A/N: I don't really think that Sam is a better hunter than Dean. I think that each brother has his strengths and weaknesses. I was just trying to get into to Sam's mindset for this story and to figure out a reason for why Sam said what he said to Dean during the showdown.
Thank you for reading! Reviews are always greatly appreciated! Please let me know what you think. Should I continue?