Sam felt guilty, he felt guilty as hell. Dean had poured his heart out about hell and Sam just went and shoved it in Dean's face, and the things he had said.
Dean had been quiet since they stepped in the car. His mind was racing, and he was hurting. The things Sam had said, all the things he had said…too weak…standing in Sam's way, feeling sorry for himself, whining about torturing souls in hell…that one hurt, after everything he went through, Sam actually threw it all in his face. Ok so it was the sirens curse but it didn't make it hurt any less. Then he remembered what he did to Sam, cutting Sam. He looked over at Sam's neck and protective older brother syndrome kicked in (he was surprised he even felt like an older brother anymore).
"Your neck ok?" Dean asked nonchalantly.
Sam turned and looked at Dean and Dean could've sworn he saw apologetic, guilt ridden eyes.
"Yea, Dean. It's fine."
And silence, again…
"I'm sorry for what I said 'bout Madison, she wasn't a monster, not by a long shot," Dean said breaking the silence. He had to get that off his chest, if nothing else, that.
"It's okay Dean, you were angry," Sam replied.
"Still, I was outta line, she was a great girl, and what happened to her wasn't her fault."
"Yeah," replied Sam. He didn't know what else to say, he knew that Dean didn't mean it and he had forgiven Dean for it, after everything they had said to each other that night, the Madison thing seemed to be the least hurtful. Sam didn't know where to take it from here, should he bring up the things he said again, should he tell Dean what he and Ruby had been doing? He glanced over at Dean and saw that Dean's walls were up again, as high as a mountain, so he let it go.
They arrived at the motel a couple hours later and dumped their duffels in their room. They hadn't spoken a word to each other since Dean apologised about Madison, until,
"You wanna shower first? Probably should, get that neck of yours cleaned up," Dean said as he sat heavily on his bed.
Sam looked over at Dean and he nodded his head.
Sam walked into the bathroom and closed the door, not hearing any remark about saving some hot water or his ass would get handed to him.
Dean heard Sam turn the shower on and immediately put his head in his hands. God it had been a long day, a long tiring, painful day. It was then that he realized he was sitting on the bed closest to the door. This actually made him laugh to himself. "Guess old habits die hard, even when your little brother doesn't need you anymore" Dean sighed at that thought. When had everything gone so wrong, when had he lost his little brother? He knew the answer to that, the day Sam died and Dean traded his soul.
All the things Sam had said kept playing over and over in his head. Weak, in my way, holding me back, scared, whining, feeling sorry for yourself, weak, in my way, holding me back, scared, whining, feeling sorry for yourself, WEAK, IN MY WAY, HOLDING ME BACK, WHINING, FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF, WEAK…WEAK… WEAK…HOLDING ME BACK….HOLDING ME BACK….HOLDING ME BACK….FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF….FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF…FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF.
"AHHHH SHUTUP, JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!"
God his mind was in overdrive. He needed some air! Dean quickly got off the bed and stepped outside the motel…not far…just outside the door.
The minute Sam closed the bathroom door he slid down the door until he was sitting with his knees at his chest. The events of the last couple hours replaying over and over in his head. Everything Dean had said to him "I dunno when it happened, maybe when I was in hell, maybe when I was starring right at you, but the Sam I knew…he's gone."
Tears sprung to Sam's eyes as he remembered the next few words.
"And it's not the demon blood, or the psychic crap…it's the little stuff…the lies…the secrets…"
"That's the point you're hiding things from me!"
"We used to be in this together…we used to have each other's backs!
Dean was right, he knew Dean was right, he had changed, but he didn't see how he could've stayed the same after everything that had happened.
And then he remembered everything he said to Dean.
"You wanna know why I didn't tell you about Ruby, how we're hunting down Lilith, because you're too weak to go after her, you're holding me back!
God, was that really how he felt…no…no…that's not why, he knew why he kept Dean in the dark…and that wasn't why.
"I can take out demons you're too scared to go near!"
Oh god…he said that, he actually said that, to Dean…who was tortured by countless demons for 40 years…40 years…and Sam had the nerve to say that. He knew that Dean wasn't scared, hell, look how he stood up to Alistair…he knew Dean wasn't scared, he had more right to be scared than anyone on this planet…but he wasn't!
"You're too busy sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, whining about all the souls you tortured in hell…boo hoo!"
Oh god…Dean mentioned it once…ONCE…and I throw it back in his face, I get him to open up and this is what I do with it.
That made Sam nauseous as he quickly hurled himself to the toilet before emptying out the contents in his stomach, which really was nothing.
He knew it was the siren talking…well…it had to be…right?? He could still see the hurt and pain contorted on Dean's face as he said those things to him. So was it completely the siren…did he actually mean any of those things he had said to Dean…no…no he would never. But he didn't know how to make this right, he didn't know how to get Dean back…not after everything he had said to him, not after all the lies and deceit. God, he hurt.
When Sam stepped out of the shower the room was dark and…empty. Dean…Dean…where was Dean. Sam started to panic…O god….he left…he left . Just as he was about to go look for him Dean stepped through the door. Sam released a breath he didn't even know he was holding.
"You done?" Dean asked as he shrugged off his jacket.
"Yea…yea I'm done," Sam said as his breathing went back to normal.
By the time Dean was done Sam was already laying in his bed with the covers up. Dean got into his bed and looked up at the ceiling. There was no way he was getting any sleep tonight, but he couldn't exactly sit around or stare out the window, no cause apparently he was feeling sorry for himself enough as it was, according to Sam. He wasn't feeling sorry for himself though, no he knew he deserved whatever punishment he'd get for what he did to those people, and he wasn't whining about hell…he had talked about it once…ONCE…how was that whining? This is why Dean Winchester does not open up to people, you open up and BAM you're not strong anymore, you're weak and pathetic, well only in his case, when other people opened up it was fine. Well anyway, he knew better now, the nightmares, the day flashes of hell, they're staying with him, and him alone. He knew he should've never burdened Sam with them, god Sam was right…he was weak.
Sam was rolled over on his side facing the back wall. He couldn't sleep, not even if he wanted to. There was too much going through his mind, too much. He knew that Dean was up too, he knew the way Dean breathed when he was awake and when he was asleep. His vision all of a sudden got a tad bit blurry. God he knew everything about Dean, right down to his breathing…how had he let things get this bad…this messed up. If Sam was going to be honest, he was shit scared of the consequences of today, more scared than he was about the Apocalypse...go figure. He was scared because he knew he was losing his older brother, he knew this was his fault…he knew the lies the deceit that he caused…and more than anything, he knew the walls he managed to bring down in Dean, the one's that came down when Dean opened up about hell, when Dean opened up about the pain he felt, the emptiness, the sheer heartbreak at what he did to those people…he knew those walls were perfectly back in place, and that, that Sam knew was his fault, and it hurt…a lot.
That night somewhere between 3am and 4am, Dean had actually fallen asleep. Sam knew this because he heard soft murmurs and whimpers coming from the bed beside him.
Sam didn't know what to do…should he wake Dean…should he let him wake himself…just then Dean shot up in bed panting, eyes wide.
Sam quickly shut his eyes and pretended like he was sleeping, not wanting to hurt his brother because he knew that if he saw Sam looking, he would feel ashamed…something he should've never even had to feel in the first place.
Sam heard Dean get up and go to the bathroom and curse. God how he wished he could just get up and go help his brother right now. But he couldn't…not after what he said…at least not right now.
The next morning Dean was up bright and early, "He probably never went back to sleep after," Sam thought to himself as he rolled out of bed. Sometime after Dean had returned to bed Sam had figured he had fallen asleep.
"Rise and shine Sam! I got you breakfast," he said with a smile plastered on his face.
"And the walls are up and the mask on," thought Sam as he took the food from Dean.
"You get any sleep last night?" Sam asked, hoping…hoping that Dean would tell him about the nightmare.
"Yea some," Dean replied with a smile. "Now eat up before your food gets cold, I found us a case!"
And that's how it was…for days…days of Dean plastering on a fake smile, while suffering non-stop nightmares at night. Every once in awhile Sam would catch vulnerability in Dean's eyes and then BAM, the stoic hero-persona was back in place. To an outsider looking in, everything would've seemed fine, it would've seemed like it had pre-hell, Sam and Dean, two brothers fighting the evils of the night. But they knew the difference…Sam knew the difference. Not once did Dean bring up hell, not once did he bring up Ruby, not once did he show the sadness and despair he felt, and not once…not once…had he called Sam, "Sammy".
**A couple days later**
Ruby hadn't called Sam since the night of the Siren…until tonight…and when she called, sure enough, despite everything that had happened the last couple days, Sam went…he left the hotel when he thought Dean was sleeping.
Dean opened his eyes the minute the door shut and they clouded up. Was this what it was going to be like from now on? Just lies and sneaking out…
For 4 days straight Sam snuck out after 1am when he thought Dean was sleeping, Dean never questioned him the next morning, and Sam acted as if he had been asleep every night.
It was getting ridiculous, and Dean didn't know how much more he could take. Everyday it became more and more apparent that Sam didn't need him, he had Ruby, he had his powers, and he had his quest for vengeance, he didn't need his weak, pathetic older brother anymore.
Dean had grown accustom to not sleeping anymore, partially because he was tired of the nightmares, and partially because he knew Sam would sneak out like he had every night for the past few days, and the protective older brother in him had to stay up…had to stay up to make sure that Sam got home safely…and in one piece. He knew how pathetic that was, he knew that whatever he could do, Sam could do 10 times better, and he had a demon to watch his back now, a demon who had powers…who was he kidding, Sam didn't need Dean to make sure he was okay anymore. Dean felt useless…utterly useless, his entire life him and Sam had watched each other's back, it had been ingrained in them, and now…now he didn't know what he had left if he didn't have his little brother to look after.
When 1am rolled around Dean was awake, expecting Sam to sneak out again, however, today was different. It was 2am and Sam was actually sound asleep in the bed next to him. Dean must've been so relieved that he actually fell asleep…well until he had another nightmare an hour and half later and shot up in bed panting, and trying to catch his breath.
Dean quietly got out from under his covers and sat on the edge of his bed. God he couldn't do this anymore, Sam was right he was weak, why couldn't he just put this hell thing behind him, why couldn't he be stronger, why couldn't he forget…why couldn't he not hurt anymore.
Dean took a deep breath and just looked at Sam's sleeping body. He could tell Sam was asleep, he had mastered Sam's breathing patterns when he was 10. He could tell when Sam was faking it and when he wasn't…and right now he wasn't, so he just sat there…looking.
God Sam looked so innocent in his sleep, it was like nothing had changed, that Sam was still the little brother and Dean the older. Whatever happened to the days where Sam looked to Dean for support, for guidance, for love. Those days were long gone, and that hurt Dean in worse ways than being ripped apart by any demon. He's devoted his entire life to Sam, sacrificed everything for Sam, hell, even when to hell for the kid, and now…now he doesn't even need him anymore. Sam doesn't look up to him anymore, doesn't trust him anymore, doesn't respect him anymore, he isn't even sure if Sam loves him anymore. He wondered why Sam ever wanted to bring him back, he's clearly just a nuisance to Sam now, something standing in his way from power and revenge. He missed his little brother so much that it hurt, and what hurt the most is that he'd willingly go back to the pit if he had to for Sammy, but he knows that Sam would never give up this quest for revenge, for him.
He slowly gets off the bed as his eyes fill with tears. He will not cry in front of his sleeping brother, he just won't. So he gets up grabs a beer, and he heads outside. He thinks about going for a drive but doesn't want Sam waking up in a panic wondering where he went. Dean actually laughs at thought because a. Sam won't even care if he's gone or b. Sam will freak which will give him a taste of his own medicine. But, he could never do that to Sam, and he's pretty sure Sam would react accordingly with the former point of this statement.
So Dean finds a spot beside the door, against the outside of the motel wall. He sits with his knees up, elbows touching his knees, and a cool beer in his hand. It's nice outside, it's not too hot, not too cold, and it almost feels serene as a light breeze brushes against his face….and the craziest thought hits him…what if all this…all of it, our entire lives…has just been a bad nightmare…Ha Dean actually laughs out loud bitterly at that…the Winchesters would never…ever…ever be that lucky.
Dean stares out into the almost empty parking lot as he sips his beer. He doesn't have it in him anymore to do this…to play this twisted game of fake ignorance is bliss crap. Then Dean starts to think about everything, from Sammy, to hell, to everything they've ever lost in their lives, to their dad and his quest for vengeance and how Sammy and Dad are exactly alike in that sense. Dean solemnly wonders if he was maybe adopted …because how is it that he was the only one who ever cared about staying a family and Dad and Sam only cared about revenge. It hurts, everyday it hurts, thinking hurts…everything hurts….everything. God, he is weak and pathetic.
Dean is so wrapped up in his thought that he doesn't even hear the motel room door creak open.
"Dean?" Comes a sleepy voice as the motel room door closes.
Dean looks up and sees his little brother, who, having bed head, still looks so innocent. He has a beer in his hand and takes a seat beside Dean on the ground.
"Hey," replies Dean as he raises his beer bottle to Sam.
"Did you have another nightmare?" asked Sam concerned, knowing the answer and hoping that Dean will open up.
"Naw Sam, I'm good," Dean says as he smiles.
That would usually have been a "Naw Sam-MY, I'm good"
Sam sighs at the thought. And he knows Dean's lying, he can tell although Dean's doing a good job of covering it up.
"Then why are you drinking?"
Dean looks at him incredulously.
"It's a beer dude, can't a man have a beer," Dean jokes as he looks back out to the parking lot.
"It's not just a beer Dean, it's a beer at 4 in the morning," Sam states hoping to get a reaction out of Dean, but to no avail.
"So? I got thirsty and the water in this town sucks out loud, so I went for the next best thing," Dean jokes again.
Sam's had enough, he just wants Dean to talk to him again.
"Would you stop! Would you stop joking around! I know you're having nightmares okay, I just…"
"What," Dean asks annoyed.
"I just want you to let me in Dean, just talk about them," Sam replies knowing how unfair that request is.
"So you can use it against me sometime down the line, no thanks, I'll pass," Dean replies quietly but not quietly enough that Sam doesn't hear.
"You're unbelievable you know that!" Dean yells. "Finally," Sam thinks. "A reaction"
"I mean you want me to open up, want me to tell you how I feel, but then you think I'm weak for doing so, and I tell you once…ONCE…what I went through and you say I'm whining!"
"No Sam! What's it gonna be huh, you want me to share or you want me to shutup and keep this shit to myself and not whine? You can't have it both ways!"
"Dean…that wasn't me talking," replied Sam sadly.
"Bull Sam, you know that's bull, I know that's bull, hell I'm sure the siren even knew it was bull. And you know how I know that Sam?" he asked as more of a rhetorical questions.
"Because I MEANT everything I said to you, everything. So that means…" Dean started and Sam could see that Dean was starting to deflate right about now. "So that means that you meant everything you said too." Dean finished as he took another swig of his beer.
"Dean…no…maybe…maybe for some people they say what they mean but for others…they don't," replied Sam reaching for straws.
Dean actually let out a laugh.
"Wow, and I thought I was delusional," Dean replied looking over at Sam. And then he looked to his beer that he was holding. They were both silent for a moment.
"Am I holding you back Sam?" Dean asks and it breaks Sam's heart to hear the pain laced in those words.
"It's a simple question Sam…am I holding you back?"
"No, Dean…of course not," Sam replies with a shaky voice.
Dean smiles a sad smile. "I thought I taught you to lie better than that little brother."
The little brother comment makes Sam want to cry, the love that Dean puts behind the words "little brother" or "Sammy" is so raw and intimate, that Sam just chokes up and shuts up.
This time Dean looks up at Sam,
"If you want me gone Sam, you say the words…you say the words and I'll go, I'm still here because…because I can't leave you…I just can't" Dean says with a small smile as his voice cracks. "I'll protect you with everything I have until the day I die, but if you want me gone…if you need this vengeance on Lilith so bad and you need me out of the picture to do it…just tell me, and I'll be gone."
Sam was at a loss for words…"NO" he wants to yell out, but his heart hurts too much to talk right now. After everything, everything he's done to hurt Dean, his brother was still willing to risk his life for him…Sam knew he didn't deserve him, and it hurt more than anything how he'd become such a bad brother.
"I'm sorry Sam, I'm sorry I'm useless, I'm sorry I came back from hell weak…"
"Oh god, why is he apologising…why is he apologising" Sam keeps repeating in his head.
"I've tried…I've tried so hard Sam, so hard to put this hell thing behind me…so hard," Dean says as his eyes get a little blurry. "You're right, maybe it's cuz I'm weak, that's why I can't put something like this behind me, that's why it hurts every minute of every day. The things I did, the things done to me, maybe I should be able to just ignore it, be stronger…not a coward who has nightmares night after night."
"Dean, no," Sam starts almost at tears, what did he do to his brother?
"Maybe I should leave Sam, maybe you'd be better off…you don't need me anymore," starts Dean, and Sam can see that it's not a guilt trip he's trying to play…Dean is serious…Dean really believes…
"Dean, no…I do…I do," Sam says as he looks at Dean.
Dean gives him a sad smile.
"I don't think you do, to be honest, I'm not exactly sure why you wanted me back in the first place. It just seems like it would've been better for you if I had stayed down there, I wouldn't be getting in yours and Ruby's way, I'd still be outta the picture."
Sam couldn't breathe, he really thought he was going to pass out.
"And to be honest, I dunno how much more of this I can take. The lies, the sneaking out…it's killing me Sam, I've lost you and it's killing me because I used to be able to get through to you, we used to be a team…we used to be brothers…and you used to care…now…"Dean trails off. "I know you think I'm weak, think that I'm scared, but don't you ever doubt for a second that I wouldn't go through hell for your again, that I wouldn't face those thousands of demons that ripped me to shreds…if I could end this for you, if going back to hell would somehow bring Lilith down and give you what you wanted…I would do it in a heartbeat."
"Don't … don't say that Dean…please don't say that…I can't…I couldn't," Sam couldn't breathe, he really couldn't breathe. How had he messed up so bad to the point where Dean thought that given the chance, Sam would let him go back to hell just so that Sam could have his revenge on Lilith, revenge he wanted because Lilith was the one who took Dean away! How had he lost who he was and lost Dean in the process.
Dean's head snapped up when he heard Sam fighting to get air in his lungs. What the hell?
Sam actually couldn't breathe, it felt like everything was closing in on him.
"Whoa, whoa, breathe Sam, breathe," Dean eased in a soothing tone.
It wasn't helping, Sam couldn't help it, the events of the past couple days…past couple months…came crashing down on him…home much he had changed, the things he had done, the lies, the deceit, the betrayal he inflicted on Dean.
Shit, Sam was having a panic attack. Dean immediately shot to his knees and was rubbing circles on Sam's back.
"Sammy, cmon kiddo, you gotta breathe for me, just breathe Sammy."
And there it was…the word…the word he had needed to hear since the Siren…that one word that could make everything in the world seem ok, if even just for a second.
There it was again. Sam actually found that his breathing was going back to normal again.
"That's it Sammy, nice and slow, nice and slow."
Oh god, this is what Sam was throwing away, this is what he was throwing away for power and vengeance, this…constant in his life…the only person who has ever truly loved him and stood by him no matter what. Oh god.
When Sam's breathing went back to normal he sat there starring at the ground, he looked like he was in a daze.
"Y-you said…y-you said the..word."
"Uhh, what word Sammy," Dean asked concern evident in his voice.
"That…that…Sammy," he said as he looked up at Dean.
Dean looked at him as if he was confused.
"You…you haven't called me Sammy since the siren…I just…"
Dean was taken aback by what he was hearing. He didn't think Sam would notice, least of all care about that. Yea he had stopped calling Sam, Sammy, because frankly it didn't feel like "Sammy" anymore, but right now, looking at his baby brother's pained eyes, he saw the "Sammy" that once existed not so long ago.
"Dean….god Dean…I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry for everything. I know…I know I've changed and I know it not for the better. I know that, it's just…when you…when you died…" Sam had to take a breath as a vivid image of burying Dean came to his mind and the tears were pricking the corners of his eyes. "When you died…I lost myself Dean, I lost who I was, I lost who I wanted to be…who I wanted to be for you…you went to hell and I died. I didn't know what to do anymore Dean, god I didn't want to live, I dreaded waking up, I dreaded walking, moving, breathing…nothing meant anything without you."
Dean starred in shock at what he was hearing, he starred in shock because Sam…Sam actually meant everything he was saying.
"God Dean, I don't think you're weak or scared, you're the bravest person I've ever known, the things you went through in…in hell…the torture inflicted on you, the torture they made you inflict on others…no it's not weakness when you can't ignore that stuff…no one…NO ONE would be able to deal with that stuff Dean, and god I am so sorry I said otherwise. And you didn't whine, not once Dean….not once, you…you…god…you're the strongest person I know," Sam said as he finally started to cry.
"No…no… I need to tell you…I need to tell you everything…"
"Okay Sammy, you can tell me," Dean eased calmly.
"The re-reason I said you were holding me back was because y-you were,"Sam started.
Ok so this wasn't what Dean had expected. But then Sam continued.
"But b-ut, you were holding me back because I was so scared Dean, I had just gotten you back and I was so scared…so scared, I couldn't, I couldn't…not again…not again…I couldn't…."
"Whoa Sammy, breathe kiddo, Sammy breathe," Dean cooed as he grabbed onto his brother's shoulder.
"I couldn't….lose you again Dean, I couldn't…I wouldn't survive it. I was scared…Ruby…me…we have powers to protect us, we had powers to keep us safe, but you…you don't," Sam sobbed. "God Dean, you're the best hunter I know, you're the strongest, bravest, smartest hunter I know, but you…you don't have powers and these demons…these demons they have powers…powers that…I just couldn't…I couldn't lose you again…so I didn't tell you…I didn't tell you what Ruby and I were doing…I couldn't…couldn't lose you."
Wow…so this wasn't what Dean was expecting. Sam was trying to protect him…god…he felt the moisture welling up in his own eyes as he looked at his baby brother who looked so…broken.
"And then Lilith…Ruby said we could kill Lilith and I wanted to tell you, god how I wanted to tell you, have your help…but I couldn't Dean," he said as he looked up at Dean with tears streaking down his face. Sam didn't bother wiping his tears…he needed his brother to know how much he meant this.
"I couldn't Dean, I couldn't tell you because…because," Sam let out a sob as he continued. " Because all I can see… all I can EVER see is Lilith opening the doors and letting the h-hound-d-dogs in to…"Sam couldn't even finish that sentence.
"God Dean that's all I ever see, and then holding your b-body…it was so still…so…cold…I couldn't…couldn't…"
"Whoa Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, you gotta breathe kid,"
"I h-hate her Dean…I hate her so much, I got s-so consumed with revenge for you…I wanted her dead…for you…for what she did to you…and then y-you came back and I-I couldn't believe it, I had you back, after months of trying everything I h-had you back, b-but in those 4 months I got so consumed with revenge for you…that I-I didn't know how to stop when I had you back. I st-still wanted her dead…god you suffered so much…so much because of her…so much. I'm so sorry Dean…I'm so so sorry…for everything…for not saving you, for changing, for things I said, for failing you…"
Dean was in utter shock…utter shock…everything…everything Sam had been doing was for him?
"No Sammy, no, you never failed me ok, I failed you, this is my fault I didn't protect you from dying, I didn't protect you and then I made the deal…I made the deal that messed you up Sammy, and I am so sorry, I am so sorry I left you alone here, I thought you would be okay Sammy, I really thought you would be okay," Dean says as he looks at Sam.
"Boy were you wrong," Sam adds in with a small smile.
"Boy was I wrong," Dean adds in matching the smile.
"And you didn't fail me Dean, I know you think you did, but believe me you didn't…I don't think it's actually possible for you to ever fail me, you've proved that time and time again," he said smiling at his big brother.
Dean wanted to argue that fact, he truly did, but it was just nice to hear Sam say that right now.
They were silent for a moment.
"Do you…do you understand now Dean…none of this was because I didn't love you, or trust you, or respect you, or need you…it was because all those things were true that I did what I did…I needed to fight this war because I want it to be over, I want us to be free…I want you alive…I couldn't lose you again Dean…I can't lose you again…"
"You won't Sammy."
They both sat there in silence absorbing everything that had just happened. Then Sam broke the silence.
"Where are we gonna go from here…what do we do now?" questioned Sam, who looked up to Dean like Dean had all the answers.
Dean couldn't help but feel his heart swell at the expected eyes that were on him. Sam needed him to make the decision, Sam needed Dean to be there…to be his big brother.
"We'll go after Lilith Sammy, we will, we'll deal with your powers, we'll take this Apocalypse head on…but we do it together okay, we do it as a team, we do it as brothers…and whatever happens in the end, at least we got each other, and the rest we'll figure out…okay," he said as he squeezed Sam's shoulder.
"Okay Dean," Sam replied. And he was so glad to give the big brother role back to Dean. 4 months of caring for himself was hard to change but he had Dean back now, and for the first time in a long time, he felt like he would be okay.
Dean stood up and looked like he was ready to head back in.
"What about Ruby and the angels?" he asked, a little scared about the answer, they still needed Ruby's help with his powers and she knew things, things only demons would know, it would be useful. As for the angels…he had no idea what they were going to do about that.
"We'll deal with Cass Sam, somehow, he's a pretty reasonable angel. As for Ruby," Dean started and Sam's heart started beating fast because he knew they needed Ruby but if his brother asked him to drop Ruby right now, he just wouldn't be able to deny his brother's request…not after everything. But Sam breathed a sigh of relief when Dean continued.
"I trust you Sammy, if you say she can help, then she can help, but there's a limit ok, she can help but the rest it's just…"
"You and me," Sam finished as he smiled at Dean. "I know Dean…well I know now."
Dean smiled back at him.
"Now get your ass back in the room before you catch Sasquatch cold," Dean said with a smug smile.
"Sasquatch cold…seriously Dean…sasquatch cold," Sam replied as he rolled his eyes.
"Yea…it's the type of cold sasquatch's get," Dean smiled back.
"You're such a jerk," Sam grumbled but laughed as he walked past Dean into their room and flopped down on his bed.
"Whatever, bitch…Sasquatchian bitch…I like the sound of that," Dean said and heard Sam laugh whole-heartedly.
And what a sound that was. Dean had his Sammy back, his little brother, and ironically with the Apocalypse looming down on them and all, Dean was actually the happiest he had been in months. He had his little brother back, and as far as Dean Winchester was concerned, that was all he ever wanted or needed.