DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS FROM TWILIGHT. THEY ALL BELONG TO STEPHENIE MEYER.
In the weeks after I had left the clinic, it became easier to get on with life. I spoke to Edward daily on the phone, something that helped me get through the day. Sometimes it would be a private conversation and then others I would be at the Cullens and I would have him on speakerphone for the majority of the conversation, before talking to him for a few minutes on his own.
I spent more and more time at the Cullens than I did at my own house. This was something that I knew didn't bother Charlie as much as he was working a lot of the time, and I knew that he would prefer that I was over with the Cullens than sat in the house on my own all the time. I always made sure that I was there for dinnertime at least. Even though we would sit in silence most of the time, it was just nice for us to be together, father and daughter. I didn't want him to think that I was replacing him with the Cullens', as that is not what I was trying to do.
They kept me occupied most of the time, making sure that I wasn't able to dwell on the fact that Edward wasn't there. I still missed him like crazy, and I knew that I would all the time that he wasn't there, but they didn't allow me to wallow in the sadness that that fact could bring. Whether it was Alice and Rosalie taking me out shopping, under much duress I must add, or Emmett and Jasper challenging me to the lastest video game that they had just purchased they made sure that my time was filled. This I was thankful for because I knew that if they weren't there then I could have easily slipped into some form of depression, and that wasn't what I needed to be like when Edward was discharged.
I always felt a bit conflicted when I got off of the phone with Edward. Even if we hadn't been talking about much, or if it was a group conversation with all of us involved it felt like I was saying goodbye to a part of me whenever I hung up the phone. There were a couple of instances when on the phone to him that the attention was turned away from the conversation and onto Jasper and Emmett arguing about something completely stupid. Whatever it was, it always made us all laugh and I could hear Edward chuckling on the other end as he listened to the events taking place on this end. One time, it actually ended in physical fight between Emmett and Jasper. I don't really remember what it was about. All I remember about it was Esme shouting at them from the kitchen. "Don't break anything!" She'd shouted, obviously aware of what her sons could do. "That includes each other!" I had laughed out loud at this. Edward had asked what was going on so I'd told him what Esme had shouted and he laughed. Such an amazing sound to hear. I knew that it had been years since he had laughed properly so I revelled in the sound whenever I could.
"Sounds about right." Was what he had responded with whilst chuckling. Alice, Rose and I laughed, nodding to each other while watching the boys scuffle on the floor. At that moment, Carlisle had walked in and seperated them, grabbing an ear in each hand. I would have to remember that one. I noted it down in my head: Stop Emmett and Jasper fighting, grab their ears. He had stayed and talked with Edward for a moment and then gone to find Esme.
Other than that, I was just happy to hear Edward's voice. I could listen to him forever if it was possible. There was no sound more relaxing to me than the soft, velvety tones of his voice.
I had met up with Irina once or twice over the passing weeks and I found that she was the exact polar opposite of her sister. Something for which I was thankful. She was sweet and kind. She and her boyfriend, Felix, had been going out for a year and a half and it didn't surprise me when she told me that Tanya had tried more than once to try to steal him from her. It was obvious that Irina and Felix were in love. The way her eyes glazed over when she mentioned him. We had gone to dinner in Port Angeles and she had come to the Cullens' with me. They accepted her almost immediately when I told them that she was completely different to her sister. They had obviously thought that being Tanya's sister they would be the same, something that I knew I probably would have thought given the circumstances. But they'd put her family ties aside and welcomed her just as they had me. I wasn't pleased to hear that Tanya was on course to be released soon, although I thought that it was probably because she was such a hard case to get on with that the clinic were just trying to get rid of her. I shared this and everyone laughed, including Irina. She said that that was probably closer to the truth than what the clinic was saying.
I could feel a real friendship forming with Irina and before we'd parted the last time we met up, I'd said that when Edward was out of the hospital, the four of us, being Irina and myself and Felix and Edward would have to double date at some point. She'd agreed enthusiastically. We made plans to meet up again and I bid her farewell. I still found it amazing that two girls who were completely different could come from the same family. But then again, I guess anything's possible.
School had become the monotonous passing of the day that I remembered. The only time when anything interesting happened was at lunch when I was sat with the Cullens. More than once, Mike had ambushed me as I was coming out of the lunch line with my food, tried to coerce me into sitting with them again or asked me out. It felt like this was going to become the routine it had once been. His excuse was that Edward wasn't around and what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. One time I had stood there and shouted at him, right in front of everyone in the cafeteria. To my surprise I didn't care when everyone stopped what they were doing at stared at me. All I cared about was showing Mike up to be the lowlife scumball that he was. But even that hadn't stopped him from trying to get me to go out with him. Though he hadn't quite worked up the courage to approach me when I was either sat at the Cullens' table or walking with one of them, even Rose and Alice. It seemed that he was intimidated and scared of them all.
Jessica still tried to get me to spill about Edward, but I still gave her the same answer as I had on my first day back. I told her that it was none of her business what was happening with me and Edward. She still hadn't stopped asking though and something told me that she was going to carry on asking until he came back. My only worry about when he came back was that she was going to ask him continuously about it, and I wondered whether he would be able to handle the constant pestering.
The only time I had any time to miss Edward was in Biology. I wasn't designated another lab partner and every class I would sit there and be acutely aware of the empty seat next to me. It made me long for him even more. Just a little longer, I would tell myself every class. Just a little longer and he'll be back. You just have to be patient. It seemed to work. Until the next class that is, when I would have to start my mental pep talk over again.
I missed Edward terribly, but I managed to make up with my visits to the clinic at the weekends and I was so happy to see that he was slowly gaining health and confidence. Of course there were some things that were irreversible. His heart would never properly recover from the heart attack he had suffered and his bones would still be weaker than they would normally but as long as he was careful then he would avoid any further damage to them.
He had also been started on a slow and gentle muscle building programme, which meant that all the weight that he was gaining wouldn't just be stored as fat but would be converted into muscle. Something that I couldn't wait to see when he got home. He was progressing so much and I was so happy for him, but I couldn't stop the nagging feeling that was at the back of my mind. The one that told me that when he was out of the hospital, he would realise that I was nothing and leave me for someone else. Even though so many people had told me that there was no way that would happen, it was a feeling and thought that I couldn't help.
He would be out soon, at least I hoped that he would. And until then I would wait for him.
I couldn't wait until he was home.
After Bella left the clinic I wondered if I would be strong enough to carry on with my treatment. I wondered if I could work up the courage enough to eat like I had been with Bella. With her around, everything seemed to be okay, like if I had her around, everything would be okay, that I didn't really have to worry about anything. Without her there, I didn't know if I could keep up that state of mind.
Without Claire, Diana and Michael ther, I probably would have gone back to how I wasa, but they made me realise that I had a lot to carry on for. That there was so much for me to continue believing in the treatment for. So much to keep working for.
After the inital physical contact with Claire, I realised that they were there for me. They helped me through those first few meals, where I thought that I wouldn't be able to get through, as even though I was learning to get used to eating again - something that I'd never thought would be possible, and because of Bella I was able to do that - but eating in front of other people - people other than Bella - was something that did scare me. But with Diana, Michael and Claire there, I felt a bit better. They made me believe that I could do it.
Over the weeks after Bella left, I felt myself growing slightly stronger and more confident in myself. Derek seemed pleased with my progress over the weeks. He said that he was proud of the fact that I had been able to keep up the same frame of mind after Bella had left. I knew that it meant more to Derek than it did to the other members of staff here because of what his son had been through. He hadn't been able to watch his son get better as he had me and I could see that he wished his son had had the same support network that I now had. This was another, less pressing, reason for me to improve in my time here. To show Derek that it was possible for me to get better. I think on some level, for him, it was like watching his son get better, at a distance of course, through me. I wanted to show Derek that, as with me and my parents, it wasn't his fault what happened to his son.
I had made myself determined to get better, so I could get out of the clinic so I could see Bella and my family.
I wondered how they were doing on a daily basis. I spent a lot of the time on the phone to Bella. She would phone at the same time every day and I couldn't wait for that phone call, just to hear her beautiful voice. If I closed my eyes it was as if I was actually sitting in the same room with her, and we weren't seperated by four hours of driving and visiting times. Some of the time it was just Bella on her own and when it was just her I knew that she was at her own house as it was quiet. When she was at my house, even though it may be only her talking to me there was always some sort of ruccus going on.
Other times it would be my whole family talking to me. They would obviously put me on speakerphone and all try talking to me at the same time, trying to tell me what had happened to them since I spoke to them last. It was nice to hear, if not a bit confusing at times, what with all the voices talking about completely different things, but it was nice to hear them all in the same room. Even hearing Jasper and Emmett arguing about something that was completely irrelevant to the current topic, or something that was so completely ridiculous, that you couldn't help but laugh at them and their stupidity. I had even heard them get into a physical fight once. I had heard Bella, Alice and Rose laughing at them and when I had asked Bella what was so funny she had told me what Esme had said. I couldn't help but laugh at this and Bella giggled at my response of "Sounds about right." She obviously thought the same thing.
When I wasn't talking to Bella or in session with Derek, I spent most of my time with Claire, Michael and Diana. They had become precious friends to me and I was sad to hear that Michael would be discharged soon. Even though I was over the moon for him, it felt like our little group was being broken up. He promised that he would come and visit whenever he could and I told him to contact Bella like he promised he would. All I'd gotten in response was a look that said "Well, duh!" which caused me to laugh.
Jennie, the nutritionist had also placed me on a toning and muscle building programme, so that all the weight I gained wouldn't just be used and stored as fat. She kept it easy enough to begin with so that I could gradually build up my muscles and yet not overexert myself to the point of exhaustion. She told me that as the weeks progressed she would increase the intensity slightly, so that I could increase my stamina and muscle strength. I was grateful to her for this because she had provided me with another outlet for my stress. One that didn't include my harming myself. It was also something that I could continue after I was discharged, something that I probably would continue after being discharged as it worked to mellow me out if I was missing Bella.
Soon, I thought to myself. You'll see her soon. Keep this up and the sooner you'll see her.
Thinking this made me relax because I wanted nothing more than to be able to go back home and see Bella whenever I wanted. Thinking back on my old behaviour I wondered how I could act that way. Hurting the people around me with my actions. I didn't know. Hell, maybe it was just the anti-depressants that I was on causing me to think that way, but hey, I wasn't complaining. I realised now that that sort of behaviour would hurt Bella, and I never wanted to hurt Bella. That was something that I could never do.
I knew that everyday that I continued to eat, and progress with Derek in sessions, the closer I was to getting home. It wasn't by much each day, but that was the only thing that I was clinging onto. I knew that the friends that I had made would be leaving before me. They had gotten here before me and were well into their recoveries by the time I had arrived and I would miss them sorely. They were the people that kept me going in here.
I hadn't really made that much progress with physical contact after my hug with Claire, but I don't think that anyone was really expecting me to get over that any time soon. A little at a time, they would always say. Derek told me not to worry about it and that that particular problem was a bridge that would have to be crossed when we got to it. He suspected that it was a problem that would be with me always. That there would always be some sort of resistance to human contact but he also told me that a lot of people suffered from that kind of fear and that it was completely normal. That made me feel slightly better, knowing that I wasn't a freak.
I knew that I could do this. I could get better. I had set myself the goal in my head, and I knew for a fact that when I set myself a goal I got there, even if it was a long road, I got there. I was a bit of a perfectionist, as I learned a fair amount of people with eating disorders are. This was my one goal. And I was sure as hell going to get there.
I couldn't wait until I was home.
So that's the end of "Saving Edward" peeps. So sorry.
But to ease the passing of this story, I will tell you that the prologue and first chapter of the sequel to Saving Edward, "Alive Again" are up at this very moment in time.
Please review because I love all of you.
My final Ciao!! xx