Title: Of Human Bondage

Author: Emily Waters

Genre: Humor/Parody

Pairings: Harry/Snape, Hermione/Draco, Remus/Sirius, Lucius/Ron, McGonagall/Dumbledore, Narcissa/Fred/George, Luna/Neville/Ginny, Tonks/OFC, Bill/Fenrir, Molly/Arthur/Bellatrix.

Summary: Slavery complicates things. That's why the Harry Potter fanfiction characters in Master/slave relationships now have a support group.


I can't resist you, what good is there in trying?
What good is there denying you're all that I desire?
Since first I kissed you my heart was yours completely
If I'm a slave, then it's a slave I want to be
Don't pity me, don't pity me...

Louis Armstrong, "Kiss of Fire"


"Is it here?" Neville asked timidly.

"Yes," Ginny replied.

"Well, how do you know?"

"Because it says so on the door, idiot," Ginny said.

"I'm not an idiot," Neville protested. "It's not my fault the slave-bond doesn't allow me to read. It's actually quite tragic."

"Awwww!" Ginny said in a remarkably sentimental tone, and petted Neville's hair. A moment later, Luna's hand joined Ginny's, and for a few moments, Neville floated in mindless bliss, enjoying the kind attention of the two girls.

"Do you three mind?" Hermione's unhappy voice sounded. "If all you want to do is engage in mutual petting, you needn't be here. This is a support group, not a petting zoo."

"That's right," Draco added, but he sounded a little less authoritative than Hermione did.

"It's a support group???" a scandalized voice was heard. Snape's. Neville nearly jumped out of his skin. "Potter!!! You lied to me!!!"

"Look, Severus, this is stressful for both of us, all right?" Harry said very reasonably. "I thought attending a support group for, er, people in slavery-based relationships would be good for us."

"You lied to me!!!" Snape bellowed, causing Neville to cringe and cling to Luna for comfort.

"What a shock. Harry Potter lied to you," Draco said. "Oh, and hello, Severus."

"Draco," Snape nodded curtly. "I see you and Granger are..."

"Look, can we please just go inside?" Ron Weasley's voice pleaded. "People are staring."

Hermione gave Neville a rather ungentle shove, and the small crowd of people entered the intended room with a circle of chairs. One by one, the people took their were dyads and triads of Masters and slaves: Ginny/Neville/Luna, Narcissa/Fred/George, Bill Weasley with Fenrir Greyback, Sirius Black with Remus Lupin, Severus Snape with Harry Potter, Lucius Malfoy with Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger with Draco Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange with Arthur and Molly, Tonks, with an unidentified blond female, finally, to everyone's shock, Dumbledore entered the room, accompanied by Minerva McGonagall.

Draco cast a quick glance at Dumbledore and McGonagall. "Please tell me she isn't your sex slave," he begged quickly. "If she is, I'm walking out of here right now."

"Nothing like that," Dumbledore said peacefully. "Well, this is a surprise. Who organized this wonderful support group?"

"I did," Hermione said sternly. "Normal relationships can be very stressful. Slavery-based relationships, doubly so. I thought it'd help if we could all meet regularly, and learn from each other."

"Great idea," Harry said enthusiastically, and was rewarded by a smack on the back of his head from Snape. "Ow. Stopit."

Across the room, his godfather was looking at Harry with open sympathy. "How did you end up slaved to Snape, Harry?" he asked.

"I didn't," Harry said bitterly. "It's actually the other way around. Not that you could tell, mind you..."

"Snape is your slave? That's funny," Sirius approved, ignoring the deadly glare from Snape. "Weird, but funny. Still, the question remains, how did that happen?"

"Um, after the war, I had to get him out of Azkaban," Harry explained. "Once the war was over he got sent there for using an unforgivable on Dumbledore..."

Dumbledore paled slightly. "So sorry, Severus. I suppose I really didn't think this one through..."

"I'll say," Snape muttered. "What did you think was going to happen to me, huh, Albus? Did we, or did we not establish early enough in book 4, that using Unforgivables on a human is an automatic life sentence in Azkaban?"

"Well, Harry used Unforgivables, and so did Professor McGonagall," Hermione pointed out. "Besides, Professor Snape was innocent!"

"Well, they said Snape was so nasty, it didn't matter if he was innocent," Harry explained ruefully. "Basically, they just wanted him to be hurt. So we went for the usual fanfiction ploy: the brand, the slave-bond, and I did the Gryffindor thing and brought him home."

"That's when I moved out," Ginny confirmed, "and moved in with Luna and Neville."

"Ah," Remus said sadly. "Well, my sympathies, Harry. This must be awful for you."

"Well, at least he's not enslaved to Snape," Sirius pointed out cheerfully. "That would have been much worse."

"Actually, that would likely have been better for both of them," Remus said. "See, if Harry was slaved to Snape, Snape might have berated him and taunted him for a few weeks, but then, he would have mellowed out, and they would have ended up in a nice, egalitarian relationship. But we all know how Snape reacts to loss of personal power, don't we? I bet Snape is doing everything possible to taunt, scold, berate, guilt and shame Harry every waking moment."

The all-too-pleased smirk on Snape's face seemed to confirm Lupin's words. Sirius looked at his godson with concern.

"I hate slavery. I want to die," Harry whispered abjectly.

"This is terrible!" Ron said sympathetically. "Harry, come on! Take control! Can't you whip him or something?"

Harry stared at Ron incredulously. "I said I wanted to die. I didn't say I wanted to die slowly and painfully."

"Oh. Right."

"By the way, Ron, how did you end up enslaved by Lucius?" Harry asked. "That seems kind of random..."

"Eh, it was one of those forced marriage things."

"Huh?"

"The Ministry passed the law, allowing a pureblood patriarch to enslave a mate to propagate the bloodlines," Ron explained. "I'm supposed to bear his children."

"Um, Ron," Harry said hesitantly, not wanting to offend his friend, but feeling the need to point out the obvious, "you are male."

"Oh. They have this new Mpreg program at the ministry," Ron explained. "It allows one to suspend common sense and become pregnant in the absence of a uterus."

"How's the baby going to come out?" Harry asked, curious in spite of himself.

"Don't ask," Ron begged, and his freckled face paled dramatically. "I don't want to think about it."

"But..."

"Stop upsetting my slave, Potter," Lucius said, wrapped a comforting arm around Ron, and pressed a tender kiss to the crown of his head.

"Sorry," Harry said automatically.

"I'm curious, however, how Neville Longbottom ended up bonded to the two loveliest girls of his age," Lucius intoned in a silky voice. "Care to share your story, Neville?"

"Um... it's kind of embarrassing," Neville said sheepishly. "But basically... I was working on my Potions assignment... and, er, I mucked up the potion. It exploded..."

"Shocking," Snape said dryly. Both Ginny and Luna glared at him. "No, really. I didn't see that one coming."

"Er, yeah," Neville stammered. "Well, the potion exploded, and splashed onto me, and I fainted. And Luna and Ginny heard the explosion and rushed to me. And, as my luck goes, I actually had brewed – accidentally, you understand – an enslavement potion. So I was enslaved to the first people who touched me."

"Accidental enslavement," Snape said softly. "That's actually almost tragic."

"It's not so bad," Neville said. "I'm getting more action than I had ever hoped for." As if in confirmation, Luna petted his hair and Ginny placed her hand on his thigh. "Actually, it's kind of fun. I sleep in chains, and usually wake up with one of them licking my nipples, and the other sucking my cock, and then..."

"I did not need to hear that," Snape said.

"Sorry," Neville said, but he didn't sound especially apologetic. "What I want to know is why Lupin and Black are together."

"That was an easy one," Lupin explained. "Only slavery can help reign in the beast within." He beat his chest for emphasis. "Curse my werewolf nature!"

"Oh please," Sirius snorted. "You love it."

"I thought you weren't gay though," Neville said, looking at Remus thoughtfully.

"I thought you realized that once a slave-bond is in place, sexual preferences don't matter," Remus said. "Also, as soon as someone is slaved, that person quickly becomes a masochist."

"Really?" Harry asked, casting a dubious glance at Snape.

"Unless he's Snape," Remus qualified. "Snape is in a special category altogether."

"Oh. Bummer."

"It does seem rather impractical," Hermione said, bemused. "You know, for a slave-bond to turn slaves into masochists. If the slaves like pain, how's that supposed to be a punishment?"

"Shut up!" Remus hissed at her. "You are going to ruin it for all of us, if they catch on!"

"Oh sorry. Disregard my last statement," Hermione said, and everyone nodded agreeably.

"So, you and Draco," Remus asked. "How did you... I mean, which one of you is..."

"I'm his slave," Hermione said, casting a very angry glare at Draco that made him cringe.

"Oh, this is going to be a great story," Sirius said. "I'm listening."

"There's not much to tell. After Ron was slaved by Lucius in the ministry's Mpreg/forced bonding program, Draco and I started hanging out together. You know, the usual. Studying, shagging, playing chess, dueling. During one of the duels, Draco mispronounced a spell he'd cast on me, and lo and behold. I'm a slave."

"Ouch," Harry said. "That really sucks, Hermione. I'm sorry."

"Not as sorry as I was," Draco whispered. "Turned out, it wasn't conductive to romance. I spent the following few months in the doghouse. She was pissed off."

"You are lucky she didn't hex your bits off," Harry pointed out.

"Don't give her any ideas!" Draco pleaded, seeming genuinely alarmed by the possibility.

"All right, all right," Harry said. "So what else do we have here?" His eyes rested on Dumbledore and McGonagall. "This is weird. Why?"

"It was a plot device," Dumbledore said solemnly. "Couldn't be helped."

"Which one of you is the..."

"Does it matter?" McGonagall asked harshly. "The entire thing is ridiculous."

"Yeah," Harry said, and looked at Narcissa who had the two Weasley twins kneeling at her feet. "What's up with that?"

"They were given to me as spoils of war," Narcissa said. "When Voldemort won."

"But we've defeated Voldemort since then!" Harry pointed out.

The twins grinned mischievously.

"Yes, well..."

"Unfortuantely-"

"Slave bonds are-"

"-irreversible!"

"That's just the way-"

"-it goes!"

"O-kay," Harry said, and looked at Bill Weasley, who had Fenrir Greyback on a leash. "Dare I ask?"

"Spoils of war," Bill said. "Revenge. Torture. Terrible suffering. What?" Bill asked defensively, clearly unsettled by the disapproving gaze from Harry. "The fucker bit me!"

"I thought the side of light was supposed to be better than that!" Harry protested.

"Well, clearly you thought wrong," Fenrir said with undisguised amusement. "Torture of evil characters in fanfiction is always justifiable, and eventually becomes sexy."

"Hmmm," Harry said, glancing at Snape thoughtfully.

"I'm not evil," Snape reminded. "Just extremely disagreeable. If you hurt me, you'll have more angst than even you can handle."

"Right," Harry said wistfully, and turned his attention to Bellatrix, who was kneeling next to Molly and Arthur.

"What are you staring at?" Bellatrix demanded. "I'm a Creature! My Creature magic selected my owners and mates!"

"It couldn't have selected them sooner?" Harry asked bitterly. "Would have saved us a great deal of hassle, if you could be slaved to Molly and Arthur during the war!"

"Sorry," Bella said contritely. "Creature magic is random and unpredictable."

"I see."

Harry turned his attention to the last couple in the room. It was Tonks, who was there with an unidentifiable female. The female was the perfect height, had blue eyes, blond hair, and was wearing tightly-fitting clothing.

"Oh, how rude of me," Tonks said. "This is my Mistress. Her name is Mary."

"Let me guess," Snape drawled contemptuously, "last name Sue?"

"Yes!" Mary confirmed. "I came from America. I'm an animagus, an expert in Dark Arts, potions, and transfiguration, and I'm also a veela. Oh, and also went to Harvard Law School."

"Of course you did," Snape said. "Why are you here?"

"I bought Tonks from Peter Pettigrew, and I fell in love with her instantly. I set her free right away, but my heart ached for all who are enslaved. I can save you all!" Mary announced. "I can brew the antidote for you, Neville. I can design a counterspell for you, Hermione. I can cure your Lycanthropy, Remus. I can help you stabilize your Creature instincts, Bella, and teach you to be independent. As for the rest of you, I can sort out your legal problems, and make sure you're all free! Free to live your lives. Free to read. Free to make decisions. Free to work. You'll never again be raped, never again be chained and whipped, you'll never again be verbally abused. You'll go to your old jobs, and..."

Suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, Mary clutched her heart and collapsed on the floor, dead.

"Hey!" Tonks protested. "Who cast a nonverbal wandless deadly spell on her?"

"Not me!" Fenrir said quickly. "Though mind you, I really didn't want to go free. I love being raped."

"Yes, me too," Hermione said. "I admit, I was unhappy at first, but I've learned to enjoy the rapes, like all slaved fanfiction characters. In fact, that's how Draco and I resolved our conflict, he just got sick of me sassing him, and raped me, and I enjoyed it.... But I still didn't kill Mary!" Hermione added, as an afterthought.

"I didn't do it either," Neville said. "I don't like killing people."

"Nobody could have suspected you, Longbottom," Lucius said snidely. "You don't have the skill to..."

"Did you do it?" Harry demanded, eyeing Lucius suspiciously.

"What? No! I wouldn't!" Lucius denied at once.

"Sure you wouldn't," Molly said, clearly unconvinced. "I think you did it! You are the most evil person here! Maybe you just got too attached to the benefits of the slave-bond..."

"I admit, the benefits are astonishing," Lucius confessed softly, "but for once in my life, I didn't do the crime."

"What benefits are those?" Bellatrix asked. "I was so overwhelmed by my Creature instincts, I didn't notice anything..."

"The slave-bond increases the Master's cock by anywhere from two to four inches," Hermione informed her. "It also makes both the Master and the slave incredibly sexually attractive. Take a look at Snape, for example! Remember how his hair used to be greasy and nasty? It's now soft and silky and lustrious, like kitten fur. He's not gaunt and scrawny anymore, either, he's lean and athletic. Even his teeth are more straight!"

"That's right!" Harry exclaimed. "I wondered why he got to be so handsome once I brought him home. Incidentally, I also wondered why my penis got bigger, and my height increased by five inches."

"Naturally," Hermione said logically. "The Master can't be shorter than his slave. It only makes sense. Oh, and speaking of slaves, the prostate becomes incredibly sensitive. Every time you touch it, it's like magic. It makes them whimper, and scream, and beg, and plead. People in normal gay relationships usually don't do that. It's kind of odd, come to think of it, I mean – it's just weird that slavery would work this way. I mean, you'd think that slaves would be put to work, earning money for their owners, rather than just moan and beg for things to be pushed up their butts..."

"Stop it! Stop overanalyzing everything!" Fenrir growled. "I like my oversensitive prostate! Somebody shut her up!"

Draco quickly covered Hermione's mouth with his palm.

"So basically, almost all gathered here had a reason to kill Mary, and as the spell was wandless, and wordless, we'll never know who the culprit was," Draco said. "A shame, really. She seemed like a nice girl."

"Yes, and thanks to whoever did this, I'm now uncoupled," Tonks pointed out, clearly displeased.

"You could join us," Luna said. "The more the merrier."

"Or you could be my second slave," Lucius offered generously.

"Heck, Tonks, you could come live with me, if you wanted to," Harry said, smiling. "It's not like I'm doing anything with Snape..."

"Why aren't you doing anything with Snape?" Tonks demanded. "You just need to whip him, rape him, make him enjoy it, and then, everything will be fine."

"Right, it's getting past those little initial obstacles that is the problem," Harry said. "So, what do you say? Want to come home with us?"

Tonks glanced at Bill and Fenrir. "Can I join you two?" she inquired. "I realize that you are a gay couple and all, but .. I just really like werewolves, and watching slash sex."

"No problem," Bill said. "We can own Fenrir together. I'll push his face between your legs, and make him eat you out."

"Ohhh!" Fenrir exclaimed. "I think I just came."

"Slut," Bill said disapprovingly. "Now I have to whip you."

"Oh oh. Just came again," Fenrir informed him.

"All right, let's go home everyone," Hermione announced, "we'll meet here again, next week."

One by one, everyone left. Harry and Snape remained alone.

"Too bad Tonks didn't come with us," Harry said.

"Why?" Snape asked guardedly.

"Well, I just thought, if you two hit it off, maybe you'd have mellowed out, and I'd finally get some peace. Too bad about that Mary girl dying, just like that," Harry added. "You know what they say about things like that, though?"

"What do they say?" Snape asked, sounding a little more cautious than usual.

"They say it's usually someone you least suspect who is the killer." Harry stared at Snape intently. "You killed her. I know it."

Snape folded his arms on his chest. "You can't prove it."

Harry smirked. "I'll never let you live this one down, you know that?"

"Shut up, Potter," Snape growled, standing up. "Let's go home."

"What I want to know is why?" Harry asked, as they walked out of the room, and headed outside. "I mean, you've made it clear you don't like me, you don't want to be raped, or hurt, or even get blow jobs from me. Why not just go free?"

"You heard what she said," Snape said reluctantly. "We'd have to go to our old jobs. You really think I want to work for Dumbledore again?"

Harry shuddered and placed his hand on Snape's back. "I'd never let this happen to you," he vowed solemnly. "I'll protect you from Dumbledore."

Snape, to his surprise, leaned into his touch. "I think you did it, Harry."

"Did what?" Harry asked, patting Snape's back cautiously. He was also rather taken aback by Snape's use of his first name.

"You've found the magic words," Snape explained. "You see, in every slave-bond, there is a phrase, that once uttered by the Master, will cause the slave to fall in love with him."

"Oh," Harry whispered, awed. "Old magic?"

"No, actually. New magic. Fanfiction slavery magic," Snape said. "But it works really well. Never fails."

"So when I said I'd protect you from Dumbledore..."

"You made me fall in love with you," Snape confirmed.

Harry grinned. "Brilliant. So we finally get to shag?"

"I'll suck your nine-inch cock for as long as you want," Snape confirmed.

"Eleven," Harry corrected, feeling a little self-conscious. For a second he was concerned that it might be a bit much, but Snape gave him a genuine smile, took Harry's face into his hands and kissed him.

Harry hugged him tightly and started kissing him back. For the first time in memory, Harry didn't hate being a slave-owner, and was looking forward to living happily-ever-after. He didn't even care that Tonks chose Bill and Fenrir over him.

The End