Twilu, The Girl Who Waz In Luv with an Umpire

Chapter de Uno

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Twilu. Are you bored yet?

Well, anyhow, this girl was in love with an Umpire, because she believed he was "goffik." He wore black at baseball games. He also ate pretzels in his underwear at home, but you don't need to know that.

The girl's name is Mary-Sue. The boy's name is Carlisle. Why? BECAUSE I SAY SO.

Now, Carlisle really hated baseball. He hated it as much as the fact that Cheetos Paws were discontinued. He wished he could invent a time machine and stay stuck in the time when you could buy Cheetos Paws at the grocery store.

Mary-Sue knew that she could win his heart, because Mary-Sue can do anything. Heck, Mary-Sue could make cinnamon rolls out of pork and beans and whiskey. But there's one thing Mary-Sue cannot do, and that is win Carlisle's heart.

You see, Carlisle was in love with a girl named Tara Gilespie. Tara was in love with another girl, but that's another story and shall be told another time.

So, one day Mary-Sue approached Carlisle. "I love you," she whispered in his ear. He was wearing his umpire uniform.

Who does this chick think she's kidding? Carlisle thought. "Look, lady, I'm very—"

But she interrupted him. She had pulled off his umpire helmet and kissed him squarely on the lips.

When she released, he said, "Please go away!" looking at her with terrified eyes.

She ran away felling terrible. On the way home she fell into a pond. A duck hit her on the foot with its beak, and she ran home in pain.

Her sister confronted her when she entered the house. "Mary-Sue, you've been sent a message."

"Huh?"

"A guy on Craigslist is in love with you."

"That makes no sense. Besides, no one is in love with me," Mary-Sue said, despondently.

"Maybe you should just change your name."

"To what?"

"I don't know. You don't want something corny, like Bella. Or ridiculous, like Renesmee. How about Twilu?"

"Hmm, that would work."

So for the rest of this story, we will call Mary-Sue "Twilu."

Twilu went to her room and played The Sims 2 till she fell asleep, without eating dinner. The next day at school she told the counselors that she had changed her name to Twilu. In classes when teachers asked if Mary-Sue Braddon were present, Twilu did not raise her hand.

Twilu saw a girl sitting three chairs away, staring at the girl in front of her. The staring girl is Tara Gilespie, but again, you will hear her story another time. It's a tragic and much more interesting tale than this one.

So our poor Twilu. Well, she was still in love with her umpire. But now she wanted to have his cubs. She'd have to get him drunk for that. Oh joy.

WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM WITH A STUNNING MESSAGE: Frankie Muniz is dating your mother. Don't believe me? Put a tracking camera on her. I guarantee you'll catch her kissing Frankie Muniz within a week. How do I know this? That's for me to know and you to find out.

Now let's discuss the water cycle, because that is what Twilu's teacher was talking about. The water cycle has three main phases, evaporation, condensation, and precipitation. Evaporation is where drops of water enter the air through black holes in cyberspace, and stay there for a while. Condensation is where the evaporated water condenses and becomes clouds. Precipitation is where clouds signal the Vogon to come and destroy Earth.

Had enough lessons? We shall return to Twilu's dilemma.

So Twilu was in love with a guy who was in love with a lesbian. Let's figure this out. How to solve the problem? Oh, I know! TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!

So Raphael and Michelangelo appear, one with a red bandana and the other with a blue one over their foreheads. They arrive on the scene because Twilu summoned them with her Digivice and sicced them on the umpire named Carlisle whom she was in love with. They ran and knocked some sense into him, then disappeared into thin air. The next time Carlisle the umpire saw Twilu, he kissed her passionately, and she urinated in her pants.