Disclaimer: I don't own Macbeth. Duh. I don't think anyone does, because copyrights weren't around when Shakespeare was writing his plays.

Backstory: This is a parody of Macbeth's second monologue: you know, the one where he thinks he's going insane because an imaginary piece of cutlery is floating in front of him? Well, I hope you know it, because otherwise most of this won't make any sense to you.


Is this a smile which I see before me, the face dangerously close to my hand? Come, let me slap it with love.

I hurt thee much, and yet I see thee still smiling before me. Art thou not, grinning monster, sensible at all to your imminent danger of being bitchslapped? Or art thou but a smile without substance, a white-toothed ghost, proceeding from that crackfic Alice in Wonderland?

I see thee still smiling, and on thy gums and teeth Crest toothpaste, which was not there before! There's no such thing; no creature wouldst conduct its tooth-brushing in front of me with no fear.

Now o'er the mouth's top row of teeth a toothbrush appears, and it begins to violently scrub the smiling teeth. A deep voice in the air celebrates the glory of Crest, and straightened teeth, praising the efforts of its dentist, who charges far too much for braces, thus with its dropping jaw, with opening maws of Cerberus, spits out its toothpaste as loudly as a tobacco chewer spits the juice.

Thou gleaming white monstrosities, do not chew upon me, or swish about my juices inside your mouth, for fear thou ruinst thou excellent brushing and take stained teeth from the present time, which does not suit with their pretty whiteness!

Whiles I speak, it brushes; words to distract the Teeth give way to my hurried escape.

(toothbrush finishes brushing)

Eat me not, O Glorious Teeth, for I am a paltry snack and not likely to satisfy your hunger! And besides, my juices will ruin your carefully contrived whiteness.


Right, I'm done for the night. I hope you laughed.