Author's notes and a warning:
Before we begin, I'd like to make something clear. This is a story for grown ups. It's been rated 'M' on the website from the day I first posted it, and that's not an accident. Read the ratings folks.
I'm writing more for parents that have to put up with the Anime because of their children and more mature readers who understand that even what is largely considered children's entertainment in Japan is capable of cussing, somewhat brutal violence, and dirty jokes. This is a parody story. Children or more conservative fans who buy the US Shonen Jump or watch it on American television may be in for a bit of a jarring experience.
This story is based off the original Manga. Not the 'kid safe' over censored Americanized version those familiar with the show from US television might be thinking of. Nothing in the story goes out of the boundaries of the type of humor or violence presented in the original manga, but it might be a bit more than someone who's only been exposed to the US version is expecting.
The dirty jokes, cussing, nudity [implied, as there's no pictures]. sexual innuendo, and violence of the original uncensored Japanese version of the series is all intact here. While never pornographic, this is 'PG-13' material, bordering on 'R'. It even goes a bit further on the innuendo side of things.
Jiraiya is a pervert, the characters are a little foul mouthed, and fan service and sexual innuendo is not held back.
The real Naruto does not say 'Believe it!' and characters are more than capable of using words like 'damn', 'shit', and the occasional 'F-bomb'. Nudity and jokes about perversion and sex are quite common. Japan is a great deal more liberal about these things than the US is, even in what they consider children's entertainment. That's just how Shonen manga rolls, and always has.
Just ask a Dragonball fan about what a 'Puff Puff' is and you'll discover what I mean.
You have been warned...
Kyubed: Shinobi's Revenge on Naruto.
A Naruto fanfic by Carrotglace.
Part 1 Naruto vs. Ninja.
Long ago, and far away, two ninja sat together on a tree branch. They were dressed in black clothes, with black hoods, and all of their weapons were made of black metal that didn't shine. They were both rather lost.
Moments before, they had killed an evil wizard, and tried to steal a magical artifact from him. Unfortunately for them, the assassination went perfectly, the theft did not.
The taller of the two turned his eyes towards his partner. "Well, at least no one will remember us. A fine end for a Shinobi, I suppose." Both men knew they were very far from home. Forest with trees of the number and size they were seeing didn't exist anywhere on their world. The pair had seen most of it. They were still young, but had seen much in their short seven years of service as fully trained professionals. They were the best in their trade in generations, and had a reputation for excellence, at a price according to the few who had known them.
"You know Ryu, you're right. Any idea where we are?" The other was only a little shorter than his friend.
The man closed his eyes. "Hmmm. Nope. There are people here. A settlement, that way." He nodded to the east.
"No hurry to meet them, Ken. We've got time. I don't expect we'll be going back?" His voice wavered a little.
"I suppose not. That stupid mirror didn't come with us. I'm not sure we're dealing with people." His head turned. "Well, I guess that answers that." Someone dressed in bright orange was moving about on the forest floor below. He looked about ten or so, with very blond and spiky hair.
His partner nodded. "Right."
They jumped off the branches, and bounded their way down to the tiny orange and yellow spot far below them.
Naruto Uzumaki froze, he was training, out on his own not far from the village. Two men appeared on either side of him out of nowhere. One of them spoke up.
"You're a bit small to be wandering out on your own this far. Who is with you?" The taller one was looking about with his arms crossed in front of him. The other was behind him, they'd come out of nowhere, and just appeared from outside his field of vision and caught him off guard.
The kid growled, the jerks didn't know what they were messing with. "What's it to you? What do you want?! What are you doing out here! Tell me!"
The shorter one gave a distasteful snort. "Is that what passes for manners around here? Why are you dressed like that? Are you hunting or something?"
Naruto growled. "I'm a ninja you jerks!"
The pair burst into laughter. After a moment they were gasping for breath and wiping tears from their eyes.
The blond kid growled. "Hey! It's true, one day, I'm gonna become Hokage!"
It only made the men laugh harder. They were bent over and slapping their knees, howling with laughter.
"Stop! You're killing us!" The shorter one was doubled over and had a bit of trouble saying it through his laughter.
"Grrr. Look, are you going to attack me or what?!" The boy looked steamed.
The adults calmed and the taller one slapped his knee. "A ninja he says!"
"It's great! Wow!" Ken was still fighting off his chuckles.
Ryu looked confused. "I think he wants us to attack him."
"What? Why?" Ken shrugged and scratched his head.
The other shinobi nodded. "Well, I suppose we did surprise him."
"Hey! I'm gonna! Believe it!" The kid stuck his tongue out.
Ryu looked at his friend. "Look, maybe he's retarded?"
Ken nodded and looked thoughtful. "Yes, most unfortunate. It would explain why he's shouting wouldn't it? The orange jumpsuit too."
"Hmmm, yes. A ninja, dressed like that? How silly." The pair looked at the boy.
Naruto had his jaw hanging. "You jerks! I am not retarded!"
Ryu shrugged. "Then why are you dressed like that if you're a ninja? Is it some sort of uniform, to help you infiltrate the enemy's base?" The man seemed to think the kid was playing some sort of game.
"Man, this is so weird." The kid gave a sigh. "Look. What's wrong with my clothes?"
The men crossed their arms and looked at each other. Ken spoke up. "Well, we're real ninja. Look, black hoods, black clothes, sandals, swords, the whole deal. It's kind of hard to hide in the shadows dressed as a crossing guard kid. You need to cover that hair of yours up too. You stick out like a sore thumb."
Naruto was confused. "So what are you doing here then?"
Ken shrugged. "Actually, we're just sort of here. I suppose we're for hire. We're new to the area, don't worry, you won't be seeing us around."
The young ninja frowned at them. He had gone silent. "What do you want?"
Ryu chuckled. "Just to have a chat with one of the locals. We weren't even sure if we spoke the same language to be honest."
"Yeah? Well get lost then. I know if I work hard enough, I'll become a true ninja and become Hokage!" The boy frowned at them.
The pair of older shinobi looked at each other. Ken scrunched his eyebrows. "What's a 'Hokage'?"
Ryu shrugged. "I'm not sure. Some kind of ninja apparently."
Ken whispered to his partner. "Let's have a bit of fun then. Learn the lay of the land."
Ryu nodded and seemed to understand. "We'll learn the lay of the land, and in return..."
Ken chuckled. "Pure entertainment."
Naruto was huffing away grumbling to himself. "Black? What? That's stupid!" He looked up and saw them both leaning on trees ahead of him.
"Hey, kid. You really want to be a real ninja?" Ken pushed himself off his tree.
"We can train you, but it's gonna take total commitment. If you agree, you've got to go through with it. No backing down. It's real hard too, harder than you think." Ryu nodded and looked up the road. "It's gonna really hurt, in lots of different ways, but you'll live."
"You seem like a tough kid. I kind of like you." Ken leaned in towards the uncomfortable looking boy.
"How do I know..." They were both just gone all of a sudden. He closed his eyes, feeling for them, reaching out to find their Chakra. He'd never pulled it off before, but it was worth a shot in his mind.
"Hey. Why are his eyes closed?" Ken's voice piped up.
Naruto was on his rear, gasping for breath. "Wha? How did?"
Ryu snorted in amusement as the boy looked between them in surprise. They were right back where they were before they'd vanished, in the same positions. "Well? I suppose we could use a student."
The boy took a few steps back. "Why would you want to train me?"
The men shrugged and replied in unison. "We've got nothing better to do right now."
Ken nodded and looked the boy in the eye. "Plus. We don't really know much about this place. It's a long story."
The boy looked up at the sky. "I've got time."
Naruto was grinning at the pair. "Wow! That's so cool! Some sort of magic mirror?" He had spent the better part of an hour listening to their final mission for their former government.
Ken looked annoyed, Ryu had done most of the story telling. "Yeah. Cool."
Ryu shrugged. "Neither one of us had a family. It's not so bad. A fresh start."
Naruto seemed saddened for a moment. "Yeah. No family."
The two ninja slapped his shoulders. Ryu looked down at him. "It's a deal then? We'll teach you how to be a Shinobi, and you teach us how stuff works around here."
Key shook the boy's shoulder. "It seems we've found a kindred spirit. Something tells me you don't have much to miss at home either."
"I guess. I'll show you to the village." The boy shrugged and nodded. He didn't really trust them, but he was starting to like them a bit. They seemed very cheerful.
Ken shook his head. "No. No need. We don't like other people much. You do understand that the entire point of the Shinobi arts is not being seen right? You know, silence, stealth, spying, assassination, theft, and espionage. That's kind of what it is. The best ninja is the one who only his master and those he needs to work with even know he exists. We are not to be seen, only felt, and no evidence of our passing can be left. Unless it's part of your instructions. Sometimes they want you to leave a note or steal something. Not often though."
The boy whipped his head to stare at the man. "What?"
Ryu looked down at the boy, neither one of them had removed their hoods. "If you train with us, and work hard, you will be invisible. Come, let's see how well you do."
Ken was quite pleased. The boy appeared to be a total sap. He believed their story, even if it was true, it was still rather thick of him in his opinion. It would be an absolute gas!
The boy looked pensive, but he was still young. "I'm not so sure I should. I think I could get in trouble for this."
Ryu slapped his shoulder and looked at his friend. They needed someone who could tell them a bit about where they were. "Well, what they don't know won't hurt them. It's secret training after all, not very useful if you tell everyone. What good is being invisible if everyone else is too?" He was looking to curb future boredom with the boy, but they needed to learn as much as they could about their new surroundings. "This training is just for you, just between us. You look like the type who might enjoy getting into a bit of trouble for some fun sometimes."
Ken nodded at his partner in a serious manner. He knew what he was doing. They were going to have to find this village, scout it out, and infiltrate it to learn as much as they could about where they'd found themselves. He didn't think it was just another country, they were very far from home, and wouldn't see it again. He wasn't all that upset, as it was sort of expected. Very few of his kind survived to retire, and they weren't very useful at home most of the time anymore. The boy had become suspicious if questioned directly, gaining his trust through training would help get him to open up about where they were. "Lucky break, finding this one."
Naruto seemed annoyed. "I don't even know you guys. How do I know you're really from another dimension, and that you're not trying to trick me into some sort of plot against the village?"
Ken and Ryu looked at each other. Ryu shrugged his shoulders and cocked his head a little. "Well, there are only two of us. How much damage do you think two people can cause?"
The boy looked somber. "Quite a bit."
"Yes. It will be fun though." Ryu nodded and grinned.
"I do hope you enjoy getting into a little trouble. We're good at that." Ken was just as cheerful about the subject.
Ryu looked over at his friend. "Do you think they did it to us on purpose?"
Ken blinked and worked his mouth. "Well, maybe we did go a bit far."
The boy was annoyed and confused. "What are you talking about?"
Ken looked down at him and sighed. "It's pretty peaceful where we come from. I mean, there's the occasional decent job, but...we get...kind of bored."
Ryu got a wistful grin on his face. "Yeah. We replaced the Shogun's daughter's tea stores with dried pot."
Ken shook his head. "That went rather well. She married the next day. I kind of feel sorry for the guy. She was fun after she drank it, otherwise..." He shuddered. "I'm thinking it was when we cut out the soles of that visiting Dynamo's shoes and replaced them with those dried turd molds we made."
The taller shinobi nodded. "Perhaps. That was a good one by the way. They were fine indoors, but the moment he went outside and stepped in that puddle...classic."
The shorter one chuckled. "Ah. I am going to miss it I suppose. It's a good thing we're so good at disappearing. They never could prove it was us."
Naruto was looking a bit dazed. "So...um...what is it you're supposed to be teaching me?"
Ryu ruffled his hair, it annoyed the boy, and made him chuckle. "How to get in trouble, and not get caught of course."
Ken nodded. "Yeah. It's a real bitch to learn, but once you've got it, it's loads of fun."
His partner nodded. "Pretty much. Thing is, once you start, you can't stop. We won't let you, so if you agree, you're stuck with us until we decide we're through with you."
The boy scratched his head. "Huh? Okay. I guess."
Ken extended his hand. "It's agreed then?"
Naruto seemed to mull on it and looked at the man's hand. It would be nice to be able to get out of trouble. People liked to blame things on him, and it wasn't fair. It wasn't his fault. "Do I have to come out here and meet you every night or something?"
The pair looked at each other. Ryu nodded. "There's a bit of that involved, but you'll be seeing us about more and more."
Ken was quite cheerful as he agreed. "Yeah. We're your new invisible friends."
The boy looked surprised. "Friends?"
Ryu coughed and looked at his friend. "Well, we are training you. We like you, but we're in charge I'm afraid. You've got to do whatever we say. Don't worry, you won't always like it, but we'll look after you."
Naruto gave them another stare down with his arms crossed. He'd decided he didn't trust either one of them, but he liked them anyway. It was odd, but he felt very much alone. He grasped the man's hand. "Deal!"
Ken nodded and winced at the boy's loud shout. He leaned in and shook his shoulder. "Good. Now, lesson one, stop shouting. It calls attention to you, but not of a good sort."
The boy looked surprised. "Huh?"
Ryu gave a grave nod. "Yes. It is very important you learn to speak silently. If you cannot, we will be forced to cut out your tongue."
Ken nodded. "Yeah. Kanzaki was a great Shinobi, despite his handicap. He really should have listened to Master Koto though."
Naruto looked worried. "Um. Right." He squeaked it out. "What are you gonna do to me anyway?"
"We'll find interesting situations to put you into. Plus, we'll show you the ropes and teach you a few tricks of the trade when you meet with us. We'll give you advice, though it might not always be good, in order to get you to learn something." Ryu shrugged. "We're not always honest, but we'll get you trained. Even we have some honor. We promised to look after you while you are training."
Ken looked down and ruffled his hair. The boy flushed, he wasn't used to that sort of thing and shied away a little. "Why do you want to become Hokage?"
"So people will notice me, and acknowledge me. I'll become a true hero, and become Hokage, then everyone will know and respect me!" He got very excited and posed with his thumb up.
Ryu and Ken stopped, held his shoulders and spoke at the same time. "Then you can't be a ninja."
Ryu shook his head and sighed. "If that's what you want, you need to be a Samurai. What you desire, is not the path of a true ninja. To be the greatest ninja, no one can remember you, save those who stand with you."
Ken gave a grave nod. "You must become invisible, untraceable, non existent. We are not to stand out and face our enemies openly. It is not the path of the ninja. If you find what you seek in this line of work, you're not doing it right. Hokage is a fine aim, a noble goal. Those are things for Samurai, not Shinobi. We have our own way, our own honor."
His partner gave a more cheerful nod. "Yes, but it's also much more fun. We don't have to worry about purity, or honesty, or face to face dumb ass fair fights. We're much more laid back, just don't go crazy and start hurting innocent people, and you'll pretty much be fine. We are about precision, speed, silence, and stealth. We are meant to move quickly, and not be noticed, that usually means not lingering about with others much. We don't kill for fun, or pleasure, though it can be a bit satisfying to get rid of the right sort of person."
The other shinobi shrugged. "That's not to say you can't want to be Hokage someday. I suppose it's not impossible, but we wouldn't know much about that. You seem to believe it, there's nothing wrong with that, but to become a true ninja, you might be forced to give up that dream. It is best to be ready to face that fate." Ken smirked. "Last chance to back out kid."
His partner gave a serious nod. "Yes, someone looking for personal glory, or personal revenge, can be more dangerous than the enemy. The life of a Shinobi is a life of service, not glory, and there is no room for revenge or personal feelings in it. Let the Samurai have their honor, I prefer duty. Those who seek personal ambition, cannot be trusted with duty. Sooner or later, their ambition will stand in the way, and such a man will become unreliable."
Ryu chuckled. "Yes, though, it is kind of nice to take a break from that I suppose. We're not really serving anyone now."
Naruto hung his head and gave a heavy sigh. "You guys are weird, but I like you for some reason. I guess I'll train with you." His eyes were rather wide and he looked like he'd had a sort of horrible realization.
Ken shook his head. "Don't look so down kid. You're not so bad off. What's your name?"
"Uzumaki Naruto." The boy gave a sort of dazed nod.
"I'm Master Ken, and this is Master Ryu. Look, being Hokage is a fine aim. Your duty may one day prevent it, but it might not. You aren't going to be much good if you're more worried about that than you are about what you are doing. Have your dream, but remember it may just be a dream. Duty comes before ambition for a Shinobi. That doesn't mean we can't have a bit of fun sometimes though, it's not so bad. Just remember, you've got to make up for it later when they need you. It will help keep your mind and skills sharp, but it will also upset people sometimes, so you've got to learn how to not get caught."
Naruto's eyes lit up a little. "Like pranks and stuff? As training?"
Ryu nodded. "We can teach you, and in return, you teach us about this place we've found ourselves in. We're not from this world, and I'll tell you now, you won't learn what we can teach you from anyone here. I guarantee it."
That sealed the deal in the boy's mind. "Right! I can do it!"
Ken put his hand on his shoulder. "Don't forget lesson one. Not just with us either, it's annoying, and you should just stop doing it. Remember we will honor our end of this deal. You will be trained, by any means necessary. Now, this is our duty."
Ryu looked a bit surprised, but nodded in a serious manner. "Very well. Putting all our chips on this one are we?"
The boy looked up at him with a frown on his face and nodded. "I will learn."
Two years later...
Ryu and Ken were just outside the ninja village. They had discovered the place they had found themselves in was very close to Japan. Even the food was good. They were looking out across the village with telescopes hidden in the rocks on the nearby mountain.
Ken snorted through his nose. "Ninja village indeed. I'm telling you they aren't Shinobi. They just...sort of act like Shinobi most of the time."
"I have to agree." Ryu nodded and seemed less concerned with the subject. "Really. Tossing about fireballs, making explosions, burning enough chi to turn yourself into a beacon, screaming, facing your enemies, being honest. It's kind of annoying isn't it?"
His partner nodded. "Yeah. Whoa! There she is! There she is!" He became excited and went quiet.
Ryu couldn't spot what he was looking at. "What? What is it?"
"It's that hot babe in the fishnet shirt and coat. Man this place is awesome!"
"You'd think with all these plants they'd be able to make more fabric."
Ken sighed. "Man. I'm gonna figure that one out. She puts out too, seen her with a couple guys in the village."
Ryu nodded. "Did she just swallow three octopus balls whole and toss the stick away?"
His partner was fixated on her rear. "Yup. I think I'm in love."
The taller shinobi chuckled. "Three at once? She's going to be a big girl when she's older."
Ken shook his head. "Are you kidding me? There are no fat chicks here. It's amazing. The girls are all cute, and the women..."
Ryu gave a small sigh as he looked about at the people on the street. "It's like being stuck in an episode of Dragonball. You're right. Are we sure this isn't some sort of odd resort?"
"I might if they weren't still burning wood fires for heat, and hunting and gathering these woods. There are cities about here, but they don't trade openly with them here. They don't seem to want the outside world to notice them. Do I look any hotter to you? Maybe it's something in the water?"
"You're an asshole, you know that right?"
His partner nodded. "Yes. Now I am an asshole with a mission. I'm gonna get me some of that. Might take a while, but I'm gonna do it."
Ryu slapped his shoulder. "Hey. It's the kid. Let's pay him a visit."
Naruto Uzumaki stood alone with his hands in his pockets. He was dressed in black, and standing in the shade of a tree. He didn't feel like being around other people at the moment. He had a black scarf around his neck and a hood hiding his hair.
Everyone hated him, blamed him when something went wrong if he was nearby. He'd learned to get out of sight if something happened while he was around. His curse made a lot of people in the village avoid him. Most of the other kids would talk to him, but he could tell they were just putting up with him. A few tried to bully him, but his two invisible friends had helped make getting away much easier. It was rare for him to even have to throw a punch to avoid his tormentors. He'd developed a reputation in his age group as something of a coward because of it. Uzumaki Naruto, the crazy chicken. No one else seemed to really notice him.
He'd grown to regret the deal he made with the two men in some ways. They let the school take care of training his body. They'd both expressed a bit of surprise in how fit was. He still couldn't use his Chakra more than a little. Nothing useful at any rate. As usual, two voices came out of nowhere when he was alone.
"How's it going?"
He closed his eyes and growled. He knew they were nearby, but trying to see them had proven fruitless in the past. "What do you want?"
Ken's familiar chuckle. "We've got a job for you."
Naruto growled. If he didn't, things would just start going wrong around him. They hadn't done anything for his image. He'd gotten so mad at them, he'd told the Hokage about them to try and explain why he'd filled the water fountain outside his house with noodles. He'd gotten a more severe punishment, and now everyone thought he had two imaginary friends. "Great, now what?" No one but him knew they existed, but they could make quite a mess if he didn't do what they wanted.
"We want two pairs of Anko Mitirashi's panties."
"Bring them to the edge of the village tonight. We'll be watching."
The boy went rigid. "No way!"
Ryu clucked his tongue. "Do it, or else..."
Naruto was sweating bullets. "She... she'll kill me!"
Ken spoke up. "Yeah, if she catches you. Think of it as a test. You'll be moving up in your training soon. Getting a new instructor and all in a month or two."
It was the middle of the night, Naruto was sweating bullets, not saying a word, and wishing what was going on around him wasn't going on. Miss Anko was making a lot of noise, and not as asleep as he'd thought, nor was the guy he didn't give a spit about outside of not being seen.
The pair was doing something under a sheet about three feet away from him. The only light was the moon from the window, leaving him in total darkness. He managed to open the draw far enough to reach in grabbed a handful, and shoved the contents into his shirt. He looked over his shoulder, smirked, and continued to take them from the drawer, stuffing his sleeves and chest with as much as he could grab.
The woman hadn't even poked her head out of the sheets, nor did the man she was with. He slipped away in silence, and left them alone.
"Well, we did say only two." Ken looked at his partner. Both of them were wearing a pair of panties on their heads. Ken sniffed at two hand fulls. They were also both wearing bras over their chests.
"Hmm. Indeed. It was a wise decision though. He's to be commended this time I suppose. Still, in the future, follow our instructions." Ryu crossed his arms and tried to look very wise.
"Yeah. Well, what good is getting into trouble and getting away with it if I can't do it for me sometimes?" He wasn't sure what had come over him, but it had given him a heck of a rush.
Ken held one of them out. "Would you like one? I suppose we can't enjoy all of them."
Naruto waved his hands and shook his head. "No way! What am I supposed to do with that? You guys are weird."
Ryu shrugged. "Well, you'll understand in a couple of years or so."
The boy turned away. "We're done right?"
Ken held one of them in front of his face. "Are you sure? A memento of passing your first test?"
"And get caught with the evidence later? She's gonna blow her top. I don't want anything that ties me to that mess." Naruto waved his hands and jogged back towards the village.
Ken and Ryu had panties over their pants by that point as well.
Ryu looked at his friend. "He's a good kid."
"Come on. We've still got a bit of that deer meat left."
They both vanished into the shadows.
"We found it this morning sir, and this one covered in paint."
The Hokage gave a heavy sigh as he looked up at the vandalized faces on the mountain. "Release Uchiha. He isn't the culprit, just a distraction."
Sasuke had a frown on his face and jerked his arm free of the man who had brought him to the Hokage's side. The man released him with a surprised expression on his face. "Sir?"
"Release him. He isn't to blame for this, just a convenient distraction." The old man tipped his hat up and puffed on his pipe. He looked a little annoyed.
The young shinobi stiffened up. "With all due respect, he's covered in paint, and there was no one else about. He even had a brush."
The boy hung his head, he was angry and embarrassed. "I woke up covered in paint with that brush on my chest in an alley near the path to the mountain."
The old man chuckled. "It seems our invisible prankster or pranksters has struck again. That paint looks like it was poured on him." He looked down at the rather miserable looking boy. "Uchiha. Drop your pants."
The boy's eyes went wide. "What?" He grabbed for his belt in a protective way and stepped back.
The old man leaned in. "There is only the two of us here, and it will clear your name. You weren't intended to take the blame, just to provide a distraction for our culprit."
The boy nodded, turned about and dropped his shorts enough to expose his rear.
The Hokage pointed. "He's got no paint on his rear. It wasn't him. It's quite obvious those marks on the statues lips were made when our mysterious vandal painted his rear and pressed them on the mountain. Sasuke Uchiha is innocent of wrongdoing. I'm sure I'll be getting an earful of this later." The old man hung his head and rubbed at his chin as he puffed on his pipe. A huge smiley face was drawn onto the mountainside and a poem. "Laugh and the world laughs with you, fart, and you stand alone."
There was a sudden loud rumbling, loud enough to echo off the mountain across the valley. Then, a petering hissing sound.
The old man sniffed at the air and wrinkled his nose. "Wha?" It was awful, a horrid pungent, yet familiar odor.
Sasuke was holding his neck and gagging. "Oh!" He was looking at the old man with wide and horrified eyes.
The adult shinobi was waving his hand in front of his face. "Um, sir?"
Sasuke was staggering back and trying to fight off the overwhelming stench. "I had no idea the Hokage was so...powerful!"
The old man growled and turned to face them. "It wasn't me you idiots."
The trio looked on as the village started to wander out of their homes. Most looking both confused and disgusted, just a few at first, but the crowd was growing.
The Hokage frowned as he glared at the source of the odor that had washed over the entire village. It was a row of powerful fans hidden behind several boulders below the faces on the mountain. In front of these fans was the largest turd pile the old man had ever seen. "I see."
One of the two uniformed shinobi with him pointed to the power lines that had led them to the spot. Someone had managed to lay out almost a mile's worth of extension chords up to the spot. They were buried just under the dirt up to the point where the rocks gave enough cover to run them freely.
"There is no evidence?" The old man gave a serious frown.
"Never is." The ninja on his left spoke up.
The old man just smirked. "I see. Very well, I suppose the worst is over for now. I'll take care of getting the mess cleaned up."
"Uzumaki Naruto, you will take care of the mountainside."
The boy standing in front of the Hokage gave a simple nod and didn't speak. He had a rather smug looking smirk on his face as he did it. He was dressed in the black and dark gray clothes he'd taken too, and had his hood off because his position required it. The old man didn't want to say anything, but the smirk bothered him a little. The boy was at the bottom of his class, had a poor attendance record, and had become rather quiet in the last two years.
"Do you know why?" The old man paced in front of him, with his hands behind his back.
The boy shrugged. "You think it was me, but you can't prove it, but you don't want me to get away with it either?"
The old man looked surprised, and returned his smirk. "Yes. That about sums it up. I know it was you boy." He leaned in, took a puff from his pipe and blew it in his face. "You stopped getting into trouble about the time this started. You used to be loud and obnoxious, over the past few years, people barely remember you even exist. A sudden change. I do wonder sometimes about you. Such acts of evil, only breed violence."
"It doesn't matter. It's not like I've got much else to be doing. I don't mind cleaning up the mess too much. It was pretty funny as far as I'm concerned." Naruto nodded and grinned at him. It had been more than worth it to see the look on Sasuke's face. The guy was a total jerk. The hardest part had been getting him out of his house without waking him or leaving a drag trail. The chloroform helped with that a great deal.
"Well, the whole village is upset. This isn't an isolated incident. A lot of children have been ending up like young Sasuke, with just enough evidence to make it appear they had a hand in it on them. Leaving others to take the blame for ones actions is the height of dishonor." The old man looked angry and sneered at the boy in front of him.
Naruto didn't look worried or upset. "Well, it's not like they really got blamed for any of it." Not always, sometimes he let them off easy. "If this guy knew you'd let them off, there's no real problem is there?"
The Hokage chuckled and relaxed a little. "I wonder if he'd step forward to stop it if I did?"
The boy shrugged. "I wouldn't bet on that either." He cocked his head for a moment and seemed to listen to nothing before giving a nod and looking up at the old man. "Besides, if you did, and knew he was innocent, you'd share some of the blame for the injustice."
The Hokage frowned at him. He'd heard about the boy's invisible friends. Others had seen him talking to nothing when he thought he was alone, and on the edges of the village. He turned his back and a grin formed on his face. "You'll be taking an exam soon."
The boy nodded and clenched his fist. "This time, I'm gonna pass it." His voice was even, and his tone just above a whisper.
The Hokage looked over his shoulder at the boy. He'd not heard Naruto's shout in two years. It had once been considered a trademark that he was loud and obnoxious. Now, anyone who wasn't old enough to remember his origins or spent time around him in classes could even recall his name. He wasn't often seen outside of school by anyone, but seemed to know what was going on about the village. "You're up to something boy."
Naruto gave a nod and chuckled. "Always. I'm gonna pass, and become a true Ninja."
The Hokage gave a short nod. "Very well, see your instructor about getting that mess cleaned up. You may go." When he turned around, and found the boy gone, he wasn't as surprised as he'd once been. "Naruto Uzumaki, what have you been up too?"
Something about Uzumaki got to him. He didn't know what it was, but it felt like a mixture of hope, pride, irritation, and worry. He had a feeling if he passed, his instructor would have his hands full. He would have to be very careful in choosing just who that person was.
He was also a cause for worry. He knew what the boy had inside him, and his invisible friends made him nervous. No one had ever seen them, and there was no evidence they were real, but he wondered if they just might be more real than they imagined. The Nine Tailed Fox was very real, and very old and clever. He wasn't so sure the Kyubi didn't have something to do with his 'friends'.
He sighed and slumped down behind his desk. "What am I going to do about that boy?"
Iruka frowned as he realized he could see patch of blond in the classroom. "Uzumaki, how good of you to join us." He was a young shinobi, with a scar across his nose and a few spikes of hair that poked from the tight wrapping on top of his head. He looked out over the students in his room and glared at him. "The graduation exam is coming up, and you've failed it twice. This isn't the time to be causing problems."
"What did I do exactly anyway? Hokage just said I've got to clean up the mess. There's no proof I did anything." The boy rubbed his thumb along his nose and avoided eye contact.
The instructor growled. "That's it. Everyone, Henge no Jutsu test. Everyone transform perfectly into me!"
There was a collective groan.
The class looked annoyed with Naruto, and voiced it. "Who is that kid? What's wrong with him? What did he do anyway?"
Iruka took control. "Don't worry about that. Just get up here and take your test when I call your name and stop talking."
Naruto had a grin on his face and sat back. People were giving him annoyed glances, but he didn't seem to notice. He was seen as rather dull witted, and cowardly. No one believed he would ever pass the test outside of the teaching staff, and even a few of them seemed skeptical.
They stood in a line, everyone was coming close enough to satisfy the man into passing them. "Uzumaki Naruto."
The boy shambled up and looked about. No one seemed to expect much from him. "Henge..."
Iruka's jaw dropped as a beautiful naked girl appeared before his class. She blew a kiss at him and winked before vanishing. Naruto was standing in her place, with a smirk on his face. He looked up at the man and grinned.
"I call it, Sexy no Jutsu."
"Don't invent stupid skills! You moron!" Iruka was livid and red faced.
Naruto gave a snort. "Judging from your reaction, it could be quite deadly if I use it the right way."
Iruka froze frowned at the boy. His face became serious and he thought about passing it.
"I can give the old man a heart attack! Heh!"
"Nuts." The boy shuffled off to his seat and remained silent for the rest of the class.
Cleaning up the monument wasn't as difficult as those who had him do it thought. The paint was already gone, leaving colorful pools of rainwater in the rocks under the carvings. "Heh. Lucky break for me, huh?"
Iruka frowned at the boy and knelt down beside the multi colored pools. The color in them swirled and shined. "What the? Some kind of colored soap? I'd heard that Sasuke had paint on him though." He frowned and looked towards his student. "Always misleading." He couldn't forget Naruto, and took notice of the boy, and his absence. He was hard to keep track of, even within the confines of the classroom. There were days in the past he wasn't sure if the boy had attended class or not.
The boy looked up and shrugged. "I guess. Still, there's nothing to clean up now."
The man crossed his arms and smirked. "Oh, you think not?"
A short time later Naruto was standing in front of a huge mound of turds with a shovel in his hand and a wheelbarrow beside him. "Nuts."
Iruka nodded. "Yes. Now, we're going to take this pile, and get it down into the forest where it belongs."
The boy muttered under his breath as he started shoveling. "Yeah, yeah. I got nuthin better ta do."
The man looked away as the boy started working. He didn't look pleased with his punishment, but was taking it rather well.
Iruka was sitting with his student with a bowl of Ramen in front of them. They had stopped after coming back from their little chore. The boy had taken three loads down the mountain, and raked it all into the forest ground. It would keep the stench from blowing back to the village. The fans had been set up to take advantage of the wind. "Naruto, why would you do such a thing? What did Sasuke do to you anyway?"
"Nothing. Once again, you've got nothing on me. Nobody saw me do anything." He shook his head. "Why are you so big on this?"
He leaned in and frowned at him. "I know it was you now. You've never come into class so clean before."
He hung his head and nodded as he ate. "I took a bath. I don't stink, my nose is better than yours. I'm pretty sure. Why the long face?"
"Always an excuse with you. Why can't you give a straight answer kid?"
"I'll give you some advice. You can't cheat an honest man. Never give a sucker an even break, or smarten up a chump." Naruto shrugged.
"What?" Iruka was confused. "Well, I guess that's not terrible advice. Still. You're not what I expected Uzumaki, but I'm not giving you a break on this test."
"Right. Thanks for the Ramen. See you tomorrow." Iruka glanced over and noticed Naruto's seat was empty. He looked over his shoulder and frowned as he narrowed his eyes. Uzumaki had vanished, and he wasn't that surprised. "I wonder if he really knew how right he was about that technique of his?"
Naruto hung his head and squeezed his eyes shut as Iruka explained that the test was 'Bunshin no Jutsu', his worst skill.
He got up at his turn, frowned at the instructor, and tried the technique. A clone of himself appeared, and crumpled to the ground. "Damn."
The other instructor in the room overseeing the test spoke up. Mr. Mizuki was a much more cheerful looking man. "We could let him pass. This was his third time, and he did create a clone."
The boy looked over at the man, but his face fell just as fast.
"No way Mizuki. All the others created two clones, and he only made one useless one. He fails." Iruka looked firm about his decision, but not angry.
"Naruto Uzumaki." Mizuki smiled at the boy he found watching the celebrating graduates.
"Mizuki Sensei." The boy looked a little somber, and didn't seem to care much about his surroundings.
"What did he tell you?" Ryu's voice spoke to Naruto from the shadows as he walked home. The sun was setting, and both of his friends were hidden nearby.
The boy glanced about, not able to spot them. "Well, he told me there was this scroll that can show me how to do what I need to learn to pass my exam easy. It's in the Hokage's house though, and there's only one."
Ken snorted. "Typical. Look, we don't trust him, and you shouldn't either."
Ryu agreed. "He's up to something. If you think you should, do it. Don't let him find you with that scroll, and put it back when you're done."
Naruto looked about the shadows with a thin, but long rolled up page poking from his back. The Hokage was home, and he had something to find. Mizuki had told him about a way that Iruka would be forced to pass him. Well, he was supposed to think that according to his two friends. He was going to check it out, but didn't fully trust what he was doing was for just his benefit.
He had something to do first. He noticed the light under the door beside him and smirked. He took the rolled up page from his back and put it up on the wall opposite the door. It was hard to hold himself together and keep from chuckling as he glued it into place. Without a sound, he finished his job and vanished.
A short time later, Naruto was sitting and looking at the over sized scroll in the woods surrounding the village, a fair distance away from it. "Hey. It starts with what I want. Kage Bunshin no Jutsu. Neat."
The Hokage walked out of his toilet feeling refreshed and ready for bed. He had a peaceful looking grin on his face as he opened his door, only to be confronted by a huge poster of a beautiful young buxom girl in the nude blowing him a kiss. His eyes went wide, blood shot out of his nose, and he fell flat on his back. On either side of the girl was writing.
"Beware the Power!"
Mizuki gasped for breath as he leaned against Iruka's door. "I saw Naruto leaving the village! He stole The Scroll of the Forbidden Seal as a prank!"
The man looked shocked. "What?"
"We must warn the Hokage!" He rushed off with a growing group of roused Shinobi.
Mizuki chuckled as he fell back. "I'll spread the word a little more, get rid of Naruto, and take the scroll for myself. He's been gone most of the night with it already. It should be easy."
Naruto was beaten and tired, he gasped for breath and popped his shoulders. His head lifted as he realized he could hear movement in the woods. He frowned and looked about. Mizuki had told him about a spot in the woods, and he'd gone the wrong direction. "Time to get back."
Ryu appeared behind him. "Indeed. We've been following your new friend. It seems he wants to kill you, and take that thing for himself. You've learned what you need?"
The boy nodded. "I can do it, no problem."
The shinobi looked over his shoulder. "We'll take the scroll back. Why don't you go and meet your friend. Oh, by the way. We've got a gift for you."
Ken appeared at his other side and handed him a straight edged Katana. "Careful, it's sharp."
Naruto looked wary. "I think this thing is important enough to get me in a lot of trouble if you screw around with it."
Ryu backed off and nodded. "Oh. Well, it's time to put it back. You've got what you need, and the whole village is hot on it being missing. Your friend Mizuki stabbed you in the back and has them all worked up."
The boy nodded and clutched the scroll to his chest. He jumped off into the darkness.
Uzumaki Naruto smirked as he waited and watched. The first person who appeared in the clearing was Iruka. He was looking about and looked both frustrated and worried. What the older ninja didn't notice, but the boy could see, was that he had a shadow.
Mizuki was above and behind him, with two over sized shuriken on his back.
The boy stayed hidden and waited for them to move past the clearing. He dashed away behind them.
Iruka looked into the shadows and saw a flash of blond hair for a brief moment. "What? Naruto?" He went off after it, veering off and confusing Mizuki for a moment. He was about to move off after him.
The boy appeared at his side. "Hey. I've got what I want. You want something from this scroll too right?" He pointed over his shoulder at the over sized parchment.
Mizuki almost jumped out of his skin and froze as the boy hopped back towards the clearing. He jumped down to the center and frowned as he noticed the boy leaning on it and looking quite casual. "Give me the scroll." He looked quite serious and not very cheerful as he said it in a firm tone.
The young cadet frowned and snorted. "Sure. What the heck do you want with it anyway?"
The man got a wicked smirk on his face. "Well, there's no point in lying, seeing as you seem to be willing to just hand it off. It's full of forbidden and dangerous ninjutsu"
The boy shrugged and kicked it across the grass to the man. Mizuki picked it up, slapped it in his palm, and got an unpleasant grin on his face. "You know about how twelve years ago they sealed up the Demon Fox?"
Naruto looked confused, and a bit of his attitude faded. "Huh?"
The older shinobi gave him a dark looking grin and looked him in the eyes. "Since that day a special rule was made, but it was never meant to be told to you."
The boy looked shocked. "What? What is this rule?" His face became angry as he glared at the man.
"It's that no one can tell you, that you are the Nine Tailed Fox. You are the demon that killed Iruka's parents, and destroyed the village." The man had a mad looking grin on his face as he said it. "I'm afraid I can't let you go back and tell everyone what's happened. You shouldn't mind much, everyone hates you anyway. Isn't it nice to finally know the reason?"
Naruto was shaking, his fist was clenched. "So, then your plan was to use me to steal that scroll, frame me for it, and kill me once you've gotten it for yourself?" His voice wavered. It explained so much about his life, it was all so simple. He was trying to hide his feelings on the matter, and his features shook a bit.
"That's right! What do you care anyway?" Mizuki moved to strike with his weapon. "No one will ever love you! This is why everyone hates you, let me end your pain!"
His face fell as he split a hunk of wood in half. "Wha?"
"Yeah. That was kind of stupid, and in case you've not noticed yet, you've been duped." The boy smirked and crossed his arms as he walked out of the edge of the clearing. Then, another one of him, and another, and another. Dozens of Uzumaki Naruto were coming out of the edge of the wood. "I'm not real happy about hearing that, but it doesn't change that this is my home." He gave the man a rather angry looking grin as he surrounded him on all sides. "Maybe I don't care much for a lot of em, but I'll never become a ninja, or get their respect if I turn into a traitor like you!"
The worst part of all for Mizuki, was that each clone was followed by one of the shinobi from the village. "What? You..."
The Hokage stepped forward and extended his hand, another large scroll was hanging off his back. "If you would be so kind Mizuki. I would like my recipe for Chili Con Carne back. You'll find it's not very valuable."
Naruto nodded. "Yeah. His Chili Con Carne stinks."
The old man's head whipped around to glare at the boy.
The shaking and sweating Mizuki ripped open the scroll. "Cheeze, paprika, chili powder, diced tomatoes, refried beans?" He fell to his knees. "You little...you..."
The young shinobi smirked as his clones vanished. "Well, you did get everyone after me, so I just led them all here. I'm Uzumaki Naruto, and I'm going to be a great Ninja."
Iruka looked over at the Hokage and smirked. The old man gave a smile. The teacher called out to his student. "Uzumaki, come over here, there's something I want to give you."
The boy walked up to his teacher and grinned. "Sure."
"Close your eyes." Iruka had a cheerful grin.
The boy was quiet, but nodded. He opened his eyes when prompted and smiled.
"Congratulations, on graduating." Iruka was missing his forehead protector, and it was tied around Naruto's head.
The boy looked over his shoulder. Mizuki was on his knees and being held in place forcibly behind the Hokage. He looked enraged and horrified. "How? My plan was perfect!"
The boy shook his head. "I never fell for it you dope." Well, he had, but he wasn't going to admit to it. "I knew all along I couldn't trust you. You're just a traitor, and now you'll be punished." He pulled down his eyelid and stuck out his tongue.
Those around the field, most of them looked angry at Mizuki, but they were silent and surprised about Naruto.
The Hokage coughed into his hand from beside the new graduate. "I'll be watching your career with great interest Uzumaki. Don't screw up, you've done well tonight, but I'm still watching you." It was half praise, and half warning.
Iruka smiled and ruffled his hair a bit. "I'll buy you some Ramen. Come on."
The boy's face lit up, and he rushed off with his now former teacher.
Ryu looked over his shoulder at Ken. "Wow. The kid has some sort of demon sealed inside him."
His compatriot looked pleased and they looked away from each other at nothing ahead of them. "Cool. That information could prove useful later."
Both men were looking straight ahead and not at each other as they said it. "Yes. Good call my friend. Excellent." Ryu stuck up his thumb and winked still facing nothing.
Ken looked at his partner. "Still, that is pretty awesome."
Next Time: Team Seven.
Thanks to those who were kind enough to help me get a look at the first few chapters of Naruto.