Disclaimer: I don't own the Addams Family. The eminent Charles Addams has that infinite pleasure. But I do own my imagination, and my undying passion for Morticia/Gomez romance.
Author's note: I'm a big fan of the 60s Television series, so this is my attempt to recreate the hilarious comedy in that show. I don't think anyone tried doing a script yet, so I thought I'd give it a smash. Read and review!
SCENE I: Morticia's Room
Storm clouds, thunder crackles. Morticia rises, dressed in her black nightgown, and goes the window. She catches in her reflection in the mirror, and smiles briefly.
MORTICIA: Ah, Gomez, two of the finest days of the year. First Friday the 13th, and now Valentine's day. How glorious –
She turns, and sees Gomez missing from their bed.
SCENE II: The Playroom
Fester is tightening his head on one of the torture instruments in the playroom. Gomez walks in smoking on a cigar.
GOMEZ: Ah Fester, there you are! I have a pressing question and it won't rest until you answer it!
FESTER: How long's this going to take? I've got my own pressing to do.
Fester sighs and suddenly pulls his head out of the head screw.
FESTER: It's no use! Five hours of head rest and I've still got a headache!
GOMEZ: Come on Fester this'll only take a minute. I'd ask Mama only she's out bat-hunting with the children. Besides, you're an excellent counsellor. Remember last time you offered advice to that charming family three doors down? We could hear them screaming with joy for a week.
FESTER: I guess was born with a sensitive ear. Alright Gomez, what seems to be the problem?
GOMEZ: Morticia. (sighs woefully). There's a…slight…problem.
FESTER: Oh you wanna divorce her?
Fester readjusts his head in the head screw. Gomez steps over and helps tighten the screws around Fester's head.
GOMEZ: Allow me.
FESTER: I warned you the day you two got hitched, once you've married Morticia, you marry all the Frumps, and we don't want a divorce! Where's Genevieve?!
Fester, still in the rack, spies his musket-gun Genevieve resting against the wall. He reaches out for it with his hand but is still stuck in the head screw.
GOMEZ: Now calm down old boy! I don't want a divorce!
FESTER: You don't?
GOMEZ: No! I would pluck out my eyes if I ever hurt my darling, mi vida!
FESTER: Gee Gomez that's a pretty tempting vow. Are you sure you won't break it?
GOMEZ: Fester have a care! I mean exactly the opposite. I plan to increase the level of romance in our marriage.
FESTER: You do? Good luck.
GOMEZ: Thank you. Wait – I suddenly got the feeling you didn't mean that.
FESTER: Gomez, if you added any more romance into your lives you'd spontaneously combust.
Gomez smiles as if seriously considering the idea, but then takes Fester suddenly by the collar, a mad look in his eye.
GOMEZ: You know, that's not a bad idea.
But no, Fester! I already bought her that underground mine fire for our last Valentine's. I want to get her something so spectacular she'll be bowled over in surprise.
FESTER: That's easy. Get her a bowling alley in the attic. Oops. We already have one. Well, what about ordering one of those Kenyan wildebeest stampedes. Always a sure fire hit at parties!
GOMEZ: Tempting as it sounds I don't think Morticia would thank me if one of those wildebeest trampled her African strangler. No, Fester, when she opens her gift, I want her to look at me with the same wild abandon she did on our wedding night. And our honeymoon. All thirteen of our honeymoons!
FESTER:(extricating himself from the head screw) If you really want to impress her why don't you just ignore her?
GOMEZ: Ignore Morticia? Fester, why must you torture me with your useless pieces of advice?
FESTER: Get with the times Gomez. All modern, sensitive new age men are trying it. I've tried it on all my Valentine's dates. First, you pretend you're not interested in her at all. Forget you've even heard of Valentine's Day. Then, if she keeps pestering you, just fire off a few insults about her looks or weight. Then, she'll be so happy when she finds out you were faking it – you won't even need to buy her a present!
Fester explodes into childish laughter at the thought.
GOMEZ: That has got to be one of the most ridiculous, idiotic ideas I've ever heard. However, it certainly sounds inexpensive. I'll give it a whirl.
Fester and Gomez shake hands.
FESTER: You won't regret it Gomez.
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