A/N: If Gomez was for sale I would buy him and keep him in my room. But alas, he would miss Morticia too dreadfully. I can't see one without the other draped across each other's arms. =D

SCENE XII: Outside the bedroom

Gomez knocks on the door.

GOMEZ: Come out my dark poison Ivy! You'll wilt if you stay hidden!

MORTICIA: There are worse things that could happen to a wife.

GOMEZ: Morticia my love, please! Fester and I only threw out your dresses to by you new, better, expensive ones!

(Aside) Remind me never to take Fester's advice again.

Morticia answers the door dressed in her normal black dress.

GOMEZ: I wasn't planning to murder you at all. I was trying to surprise you for Valentine's Day!

MORTICIA: Yes Gomez I know. Lurch told me.

GOMEZ: Lurch! The cunning eavesdropper!

MORTICIA: That's not why I'm upset.

GOMEZ: It's not?


Morticia hurries down the staircase, with Gomez following. She turns suddenly –

MORTICIA: Darling, would you still love me if – if I turned into a frumpy wife with a penchant for white and an eating obsession?

Gomez rushes to her side and places his arms around her waist.

GOMEZ: Querida, how can you even say such things? I would adore if you had three eyes and a shape the size of this house.

MORTICIA: That's what I'm afraid of. I heard from Thing, who heard from Mama, who heard from Uncle Fester, who heard from you, that you said you wouldn't love me anymore because I was turning into an – an alligator-stuffing housewife!

Fester wanders through, back from the swamp.

FESTER: (Aside to Gomez) You're just lucky she didn't hear the rest of it.

Gomez enfolds Morticia in a loving embrace.

GOMEZ: Lies, lies, all of it lies! Who would ever think of such monstrous insults!

(Aside to Uncle Fester) Remind me to confiscate your dynamite supply for the rest of the month.

FESTER: Well, I'm off to go caving under the house.

MORTICIA: Have fun Uncle Fester. You might as well take the rest of my Zebra roast…in case I eat it all!

Morticia bursts into tears. Thing pops up from his box on the dining room table and hands her a black handkerchief

MORTICIA: Oh thank you Thing! At least you'll never spurn me for the way I look. Or will you?

Thing shakes his fingers, and then disappears into his box. Morticia sniffles and is still clearly unsettled. Gomez stares at her, then enfolds her in a passionate embrace.

GOMEZ: I curse the fool who created Valentine's day! Cara mia, believe me, you're the most beautiful woman the world has ever known! Besides, who needs gifts to prove undying love?

Gomez speaks seductively into her ear.

GOMEZ: Every day is a romance when I'm with you.

Morticia pats his cheek affectionately.

MORTICIA: I know Gomez, I know. I never meant to blame you. I'm angry with myself. I've managed to ruin a day that we should have spent together with my own silly insecurities.

MORTICIA wipes the rest of her tears with the handkerchief.

GOMEZ: Never silly querida, never! You're a beautiful, enchanting, captivating woman! Tell me what man could resist you!

MORTICIA: (breaking into a sensual smile) Darling you always say the right things.

GOMEZ: (suggestively) I can think of some other things you'd like to hear.

Suddenly the door bell rings, interrupting the moment.

MORTICIA: As much as I admire your savoir faire darling, we really should –

GOMEZ: Tish, you spoke French!

At this he takes bends her to the floor in a passionate tango-embrace.

MORTICIA: Darling the door.

GOMEZ: Forget the door! Forget the world! Forget anything exists except you and me!

At this Mama, Uncle Fester and the children burst in chattering loudly.

FESTER: Gee you two you should have seen the size of the bats we caught down there!

MORTICIA: We might if Mr Addams ever lets me go. Gomez my love?

Gomez continues to leave her dangling in his arms, her head almost touching the floor.

MORTICIA: Darling, if you let go now I'll give you your Valentine's gift tonight.

GOMEZ: Nice try querida –

but I can already guess what you bought me. That black nightgown you said looked so handsome on me in the store last week.

MORTICIA: No darling not that black nightgown. My black nightgown.

Morticia moves suggestively away from him.

GOMEZ: Tish!

WEDNESDAY: Mother come see the bat I caught today! I named him Repulsive.

MORTICIA: Such a sweet name. I can't wait to see him. I'll be right back darling, as soon as I feed Cleopatra that hideous white dress.


FESTER and MAMA: Hooray!

GOMEZ: Querida, wait! The way you stand there grasping those shearers, so breathtaking, so powerful, so majestic!

Just like a modern day Cleopatra, a Juliet, a Clytmenestra!

MORTICIA: Yes, but they all died (BEAT)…rather messily too.

GOMEZ: I know. So did their lovers. I was hoping that… (BEAT) maybe that would happen to us one day.

MORTICIA: Darling, you're such a romantic. Who needs Don Juan, when I'm already married to the greatest lover the world has ever known?

Smiling, Gomez takes her arm and begins to kiss her affectionately up the arm.

~*~*~* FINI ~*~*~*~*

To All Those Who Made It to the End, the Addams Family members would like to wish you a Gloomy Valentine's Day.

May all your dark desires come true.