Neko: Revising! Revising! Revising! WOOH! :D

Fox: ugh… I don't wanna do this….

Neko: stop complaining! You made up the idea in the first place!

Fox: Hey! I only suggested someone should make this story since there aren't a lot of long Hidan fanfics! Most of them are one-shots with Kakuzu!

Neko: true, I personally think Kakuzu wears a mask cuz he's ugly :/

Fox: (hits Neko on the head) Are you crazy?! You want the Kakuzu fangirls after our hides?!

Neko: (rubs the potato-size lump on her head) He has fangirls?!

Fox: (sighs) Every Akatsuki member has at least one fangirl… even Konan has fangirls… and fanboys…

Neko: I find it hard to believe that Kakuzu has fangirls…

Fox: why? Evil badasses are awesome

Neko: cuz he's a f-ing money-grubber! Plus he's really ugly underneath that mask! Guess why he wears it!

Fox: Kakashi wears a mask…

Neko: that's cuz he's cool

Fox: your logic makes no sense

Neko: thanx

Fox: that wasn't a compliment…

Neko: oh


Disclaimer : We don't own Naruto yet.


Nobody Likes You When You're Dead

Chapter 1:

Oubliette Draculina

A woman lay on her bed, motionless, staring up at the ceiling of her prison. Her pale skin and glowing red eyes shone through this almost ink-like darkness that surrounded her. If it weren't for the life in her eyes, he motionless, non-breathing body would have been mistaken for a corpse. In a way, she was a corpse, no longer really alive, but she wasn't dead yet. She was an undead, a vampire. She'd died her human death centuries ago, and the long years had become dull. She didn't hide her tracks when she killed and fed of the living, hoping for something exciting to happen. That didn't really do anything, because the idiotic humans couldn't figure out what had killed all those people. Loss of blood from an unexplainable jutsu was their excuse. Why did they think everything was because of a jutsu nowadays? She didn't even have chakra! Corpses can't create the spirit energy to put together with physical energy to make chakra. That was the reason for vampire's unimaginable strength and speed, when they die their spirit energy converts to physical energy so they can contain their other dark gifts. This dull and grey existence hadn't been what she'd imagined when she became immortal. She'd seen her loved ones die and fade away while she stayed the same age she'd always been.

Her boredom led to large massacres of villages even when she didn't need to feed, hoping that she'd at least get captured for some type of entertainment. Her wish came true when she'd finally gotten around to the Fire Country. She was killing off the humans from a tiny village, watching them as they fled from her. Their horrified screams, panic, bloodshed, pain, destruction, the tears… none touched her stone heart. When she'd first started her escapades she thought the first to go after would be her own kind, but there weren't many that would travel overseas to come to these lands since there was a high chance of being found out on a ship. Those few that did were usually looking for a peaceful life, yet they didn't meddle with her. So it came to a great surprise, when human monks had gone up against her. They were the monks from the Hi No Tera otherwise known as the Temple of Fire. Their head monk, Chiriku as she learned later on, had lead them. He was one of the Twelve Shinobi Guardsmen she figured because of the Fire Country Insignia was tied around his waist. She didn't feel like fighting since she was doing all of this just to get captured and see what happened. So now here she was, Daciana, bloodthirsty vampire, over a millennia years old and looking at her twenties, in an oubliette underneath the Hi No Tera in the Fire Country, where her only meals were disgusting wild rabbits. If she had any breathe in her lungs she would have sighed. This place wasn't anymore interesting than killing the innocent out of boredom.


The monk sighed, somehow he'd agreed into bring the demon mistress's 'food' even though it was supposed to be another monk's job. He held a wild rabbit by the ears as he walked toward the trap door to her dungeon. Today wasn't his day he thought as he opened the door to the oubliette only for black shadows to snake toward him from the room. The monk's last scream was heard throughout the whole temple was the dark tentacles dragged him into the prison.


Daciana wiped the trail of blood from her mouth prestigiously with her black silk napkin as she sat on her bed in a regal manner. The cooling corpse of the foolish monk was unceremoniously left on the floor, his face still contorted in fear. He wasn't the usual monk who brought her the disgusting rabbit meals that were already cold from death. The usual monk quickly open the door, dropped her 'food' through the hole in the ground and quickly closed the door. This monk must not have been told of what she could do or else he'd of done the same. She took in a deep unneeded breathe. "This isn't very exciting, at least before this one got a decent meal once in a while…" she sighed in her melodious voice that sounded sickenly innocent, which was a trait she hated the most. How were you supposed to strike fear in the hearts of the innocent when you sounded like the light of all goodness?

She was just about to leave her prison, when she heard a resounding boom in the direction of the entrance of the temple. What the bloody hell? she thought with surprise. Ah! An emotion. Maybe this place wasn't so boring…. A twisted smirked graced her lips and her bloodred eyes glowing as she walked towards the shadows on the wall, graciously stepping over the monk's corpse on her way. She walked forward, excitement was what she came here for and it seems like it found her. The shadows swallowed her completely like a thick velvet fluid.

Daciana looked at the Jashinist from her sitting position on a wall that miraculously hadn't been destroyed as he was finishing off his ritual with an interested glint in her otherwise emotionless eyes. These two Akatsuki members, what were they here for? She glanced at the second one wearing the traditional cloak with red clouds and a head mask. He had Chiriku hauled over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, much to Daciana's glee. She stopped her lungs from breathing the blood scented air lest she go into a fit of bloodlust, especially with the Jashinist's blood. His smelled like a vampire's sweet ambrosia, the reason she could no longer breathe without making him her next victim. She could handle the dead monks and the masked Akatsuki's blood repelled her. Mixing blood types was disgusting to vampires and that's what his was to her though she didn't know how. But this Jashinist, who couldn't be a year after twenty-two was the first person to ever have her undignified attention in over a century. She suddenly felt young again, this boy- no man- made her feel a thrill of excitement which she hadn't felt in a very long time. She would make him hers.

"Well, it looks like there's no jinchuuriki here…" That brought her attention from her silver haired beauty.

"As soon as my prayers are done, let's move on." It was her sweet Jashinist who replied.

"Sasori's spies had said they'd brought a demon to the temple.." the masked one said, persistently. So the Akatsuki spied knew about her eh?

"He needs to get better spies then, there's no one left alive in this temple." he said cockily which sent a shiver up Daciana's spine. She unconsciously licked her licks. Don't be so sure love… she thought. She tilted her head slightly and glanced at a monk from her peripheral vision who was hiding behind another wall that survived like the one she was on now.

"We need to exchange this corpse for its bounty" the second Akatsuki suddenly broke through her train of thought "money comes first." maskman, who she now decided to call him, said as he shifted Chiriku's corpse over his shoulder.

"Hey, you mind if I fucking get pissed off at you for once? Seriously" the Jashinist said as he started to sit up from his religion's insignia on the ground.

"…we're taking things in stride." maskman said as the hidden monk left to warn Konoha.

"Goddamn! You realize it's you, not me, who's fucking holding us up, right?!" the Jashinist practically yelled, pulling the stake from his chest, making Daciana gaze intently as the blood dripped down his sculptured chest, her mouth going dry.

"That's enough, shut up Hidan." maskman said in a demanding tone. So his name was Hidan was it? Hidan, somehow that name fit him so well.

"Fuck you!" Hidan yelled as he stood up.

Daciana smirked, he just had to have the last word didn't he? She knew she could make him into a submissive puppy if she wanted to like she'd done to other men in hopes to find some amusement and knew he wouldn't be any different. She wore a smug smirk as she jumped down from the wall she was on and faced them as they turned to her in defensive position.

"This one's sorry, has this one startled you?" she asked with a delicate hand on her chest, using her innocent voice at an advantage. She guessed it wasn't that bad when it got her out of trouble…

"Who are you?" maskman said, his strange green and black eyes narrowing at her suspiciously. She'd somehow slipped past all his senses.

Daciana used her excellent acting skills to good use as she acted surprised. "I thought you were looking for the demon they'd brought here." she said sweetly.

"And you know who that fuckin' demon is?" Hidan asked bluntly. Something about the way she looked at him, as if he was going to be her next meal, disturbed him.

"As a matter of fact" she said silkily, her tone changing to a soft velvet as she walked toward the Jashinist, making sure to sway her hips in a coy manner just how she seduced her meals. In a black leather corset with a miniskirt and boots that ended midthigh, her outfit was made to seduce her victims with her perfect figure. She love how his face shown shock as she walked up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck loosely as she pressed her body up against his. "I do." she whispered in his ear as she took in a deep breathe, causing him to tense even more than before. Her throat felt suddenly dry, and a soft moan escaped her lips, sending a shudder up Hidan's spine. She didn't even have to sink her fangs to taste him, but who could resist temptation?

She was about to bite into the tender skin on his neck when she was suddenly thrown back by something, sending her crashing into the wall she was on moments ago, successfully destroying it, causing a cloud of smoke to billow out as the wall crumbled down on her. A loud crack could be heard as the clouds of smoke started to dissipate to show the woman crushed by the rubble and her neck broken at an awkward angle, her face hidden by her long, velvet black hair.


Kakuzu turned to his partner in crime and glared daggers at Hidan as he withdrew his threads into his sleeves. "You shouldn't let your guard down you zealot." he said angrily, making his way out of what was left to the Hi No Tera in the direction of where he planned to cash in his latest bounty, leaving a gaping Jashinist behind him.

Hidan's eyes widened as he felt the soft, warm body of the woman who had her arms around him being thrown away from him. He resisted the urge to whimper as he saw her crash into the wall with a sickening crack. His body was telling him something he couldn't comprehend. She had felt so comforting beside him, like she was bent to be with him forever, he wanted to protect her for all eternity. Never in his immortal life had he ever thought that he'd ever find any happiness in anything but killing, but this woman had made him feel a warm butterfly feeling in his stomach, that he'd never felt before. As the dust cleared, he felt his heart skip a beat to see the woman dead, with her neck broken. Then it hit him like a ton of bricks as Kakuzu's voice suddenly broke through his daze. What had he been thinking just a second ago?! He just let a woman, who was probably a whore by the way she was dressed, just get near enough that she could have killed him if he wasn't immortal. What surprised him even more were the protective emotions he'd felt when she was still alive. What had she done to him?! He berated himself in confusion as he followed after Kakuzu, too lost in his thoughts to argue with Kakuzu about how what he was doing was blasphemous.


A twisted grin contorted her lips. A low chuckled came from the broken body underneath the stone of the broken wall. The blood that had had splayed when she got crushed started to slowly move back to her body, regenerating it. Her neck started to shift back to it's proper place and with a sickening pop it went back to it's normal position as her wounds healed, leaving no trace on her flawless pale skin. She stood up, knocking the ruble off of her, her chuckle turning to an evil laugh that would have even the bravest running away screaming at the sight of her insane laughter passing back rows of sharp teeth, two in the front longer than the rest. So he had gotten out of her mind induced daze had he? This was definitely amusing. No one had ever been able to break free and yet still have their proprieties in order especially when they'd thought she'd died. Most would commit suicide, but not this one… no definitely not this one… He was one who was used to death yet he stayed human. I will have you Hidan, just you wait! she thought in bloodlust.


Hi No Tera -The temple of fire

Fox: I don't feel like revising…

Neko: Well too bad! I personally got confused by this chapter before so Nyeh XP

Fox: (sigh) fine, what didn't you get?

Neko: what's an oubliette?

Fox: that's a dungeon that's made so that the only way in or out is through a trap door at the top

Neko: guess that makes a bit more sense…