But then Rose and the Doctor woke up on the floor of the white room in Torchwood and discovered that the whole alternate universe beach in Norway thing had been some sort of crazy hallucination. "And even if it wasn't," said the Doctor as they headed back to the TARDIS, "I'd rip open the vortex to get you back."

Before Rose could say anything to that, someone interrupted, "Nuh uh, honey, not so fast. If he rips holes in the vortex, guess who gets to patch 'em up?" The couple turned to see a tough-looking woman in black who was leaning up against a motorcycle and smirking at them.

"You?" Rose guessed.

The woman rolled her eyes. "Right in one, genius." She turned to the Doctor: "This is the girl you dumped me for? I mean, I'd be find if it was that heart surgeon woman, but some chav?" She shook her head. "I don't know, Professor, I just don't know."

She and the motorcycle disappeared, leaving an abashed Doctor and a confused Rose.

"What was she, some ex?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say that…let's go somewhere to celebrate us being together, ok?"

So they went to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower being built. As they sat eating bread at an outdoor café, a short-haired, buxom woman waved at them from across the street and hurried over.

"Doctor!" she cried happily, taking the third seat at their table. "Hey! It's been a while—I see you regenerated again! Yrcanos is just down the street, he'll be along…"

The Doctor blinked at her. "Wow. Um, what are you doing in 19th century France?"

The woman shrugged. "You know, I'm not sure. But I don't mind—Yrcanos makes a good chef, actually, and I've got a nice garden back home." She turned to Rose, smiling. "So, you're his new girl? Drags you all over the galaxy, doesn't he? Still, he's well worth it."

"Right, thanks," said the Doctor awkwardly. "It's been great talking and all, but we've really got to go." He got up and began hurrying into his coat.

"Oh, all right. I'll tell Yrcanos you said 'hi!'"

Rose jogged after the Doctor, towards the TARDIS.

"Know what?" said the Doctor. "Let's get married."

"Ok!" cried Rose and jump-hugged him. He carried her, laughing, into the TARDIS.

So they went to Sydney to get married in a cute little chapel by the sea. Rose wore a nice white dress she found in the wardrobe and the Doctor wore his blue pinstriped suit. As they walked, hand in hand, into the sun, a short, auburn-haired woman cried out in recognition: "Doctor?!" She marched over angrily and poked a finger right in his chest. "Ruining someone else's life now? Well I hope she likes it! I've never been happier since I left you—you and your—your—your goddamn candy-striped trousers!" With that she stormed off.

"Let's not come back here, ever," the Doctor decided. Rose nodded and they ran off.

So they travelled around the galaxy for a while. When Rose was officially pregnant with their first child, they stopped by in London to visit Jackie. On the way back to the TARDIS, they stopped for chips. A tall blonde in a long red skirt and white shirt came over and looked at Rose's belly with upraised eyebrows.

"You know that the most basic definition of species is a group of genetically similar organisms that can mate and produce viable offspring, don't you? It's quite possible that a half-Time Lord, half-human child will either not survive in utero or grow up sterile."

The Doctor stared at her. "I thought you were dead."

"And I thought you had good taste," she retorted. "Turns out we were both wrong." She gave Rose a half-nod and left.

"I'm sure the baby will be find," the Doctor reassured Rose.

"We're so not naming it after any of your ex-s if it's a girl."

So the baby was named Tom when he was born because the Doctor liked that name and he was three years old when they landed in Chicago to take him on the Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier. As they stood in line waiting for an empty car to come around, Tom started trying to talk to a little girl who was standing in line behind them with her family.

"Doctor?" someone asked. He turned around, seeing that the speaker was the little girl's mother. "Doctor! It is you!" she beamed. "You're so different! And you've got a family! Oh, your son is so cute! What's his name?" For about the next five minutes she gushed over Tom and told the Doctor (and a confused Rose) all about Brazil and the insects there.

When the next empty car started coming near, she cheerfully said goodbye and they got on. While Tom stared out the window with fascination, Rose frowned. "Look, Doctor, how many of your ex-s are we going to run into? How many do you even have?"

"Rose, I promise we won't meet any more," said the Doctor.

"We'd better not."

So they spent a lot of time traveling and began to home-school Tom. Elizabeth came next and was the perfect daughter. One day they landed in Edinburough to take in the sights. While they were there, a young man in a kilt came running up. "Doctor!" he exclaimed, "I knew ye'd come back for me!" With that he planted a very nice kiss on the Doctor's lips. When they broke apart, the Doctor turned nervously towards Rose: "This isn't what it looks like."

"Unless it looks like I just kissed him and want to do it again," the Scot supplied, unhelpfully.

"Right," said Rose, "Know what? That's it. Me and you. We're through. Your past is just too big and weird for me to handle." Despite his protestations, she took the kids and marched off.

The Doctor turned and glared at Jamie, who shrugged. "I don't know what came over me—I guess I thought I knew you, but that doesn't make sense. Sorry, mister." Amnesia back in place, Jamie trotted off, leaving the Doctor all alone. Again.

"Well, shit."