Possibly the World's Worst Stargate Fanfic
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate or its characters.
It was a dark and stormy night. In an old broken-down and haunted pyramid, a mummy gazed longingly into her crystal ball. "They're coming," she sighed, her breath wheezing like a cold empty winter wind over the decaying leaves. "I haven't had fresh meat in so long..." Lightning crackled over the pyramid, and a husky dead laugh echoed eerily in the once life-filled forest.
"Good morning, campers. Well, we definitely aren't in Kansas anymore. Hi ho, hi ho, off to work we go. The temperature here is a balmy seventy five, and the humidity is close to nil. Doh! I forgot to bring my mini TV. There's a great hockey game tonight," said the long winded, silver-haired, once semi-sexy and still-to-some-folks sexy enigma known as Jack O'Neil.
"O'Neil!" Teal'c, a tall, chocolate colored man with a Sobe sticker engraved on his head stated, "there are no birds in this forest. In fact, there are no animals of any kind."
O'Neil sighed. "Something bad happened here."
The path from the gate was lined with pretty gold rocks. The planet's geography looked somewhat Canadian. "Weird," said Jack. "Every planet looks the same." As the team rounded a bend, they viewed a huge rusted-gold pyramid.
"Oh," lovingly sighed the young one, a sturdy and rather beautifully built man named Daniel Jackson. "Let's go in!"
"Wait," said the other, a compact and deadly built feminist tigress named Samantha Carter, "Let me make sure the neuron radiation won't fit the sub-standard gravity in such a way that it re-arranges our electrolytes." Daniel nodded. Teal'c looked over at O'Neil.
"What the heck did'ya just say?!" growled Jack. "I didn't understand a word of that. How about you, Teal'c?"
"Got it!" shouted Carter and Daniel at the same time. "I got the door open," Daniel elaborated. "The hieroglyphs were written in a weird form of Russian."
"It's safe for us to go now," Carter said. "We have about 15 minutes of exposure.
The intrepid team dove into the pyramid. But all was not as safe as they had supposed. "Lunch!" shouted the bejeweled, gussied up mummy.
"Holy Hannah!" Jack shouted.
"Hey, look! A native!" Daniel said excitedly. "Hi!"
The mummy glared at him curiously, her over-mascaraed eyes making her look like a sixties reject. "I will eat the muscular dark one first. Then the silver-hair, then the gold one. But you," she said, winking her eyes at Daniel, "I will save for dessert."
"Why is it every alien we come across can speak English?" asked Carter.
"Daniel! Get out of the way. I'll blow her to pieces," O'Neil calmly yelled.
"No!" Daniel cried, stepping in front of her. "She's the only one who knows about the scroll of Ishtar! Besides, I think she's kind of hot."
"Yuck," grimaced Sam. Suddenly, the mentally unstable mummy jumped forward. Jack, in a panic fired twenty rounds of his gun at her. She was blown to bits. But one unlucky bullet lodged in Daniels gorgeous muscular chest.
"No!" shouted Jack, as he jumped forward and caught the swooning Daniel. "Daniel, DANIEL! You can't die on me again. It'll be the thirteenth time, and you may not make it back!"
Daniel looked at Jack, his eyes glazing over like ice on a cerulean rainforest pond. "Jack, make sure you water my plants, cancel my newspaper subscription, um...and tell Dr. Janet Frasier that I love her." With that, Daniel slipped into a coma.
"Sir, I can save him!" Sam yelped. "I have Jolinar's skill and memory. I can use the hand device to cure Daniel!" With that, Sam leapt forward and shot a brilliant golden healing beam from her hand. The bullet popped out of Daniel's chest, and the wound was miraculously healed.
"Here, Daniel," Jack scowled, "another bullet for your charm bracelet."
"That makes fourteen now," Daniel sighed.
"Is it not thirteen?" asked Teal'c.
"No. I got run over by a semi truck as a child."
"Wow," said Sam, her predatory grin lighting up her intelligent face. "You don't have a guardian angel... you have a guardian army."
"Well, that was a close one," Jack stated as they ran dramatically back to the gate.
"Indeed," was Teal'c's final word on the subject.