A/N: Song is Whole by Flaw. Don't own the lyrics or the band. Don't own the Winchester boys either. Although the things I'd do if I did... Anyhow please read and review. This is dark, a song fic of sorts. Character death and suicide in here. Spoilers for Season 4. Don't like, don't read. No flames. Language warning.
This was posted under another profile name which shall not be mentioned. The two hits and zero reviews it received made me take it down. I'm giving it one more chance solely because of a dear friend. Download the song if you like hard rock. It's pretty explosive.
So maybe I am bound by fate
A problematic scarring induced by hate
Cursed. I'm cursed. Alone. My life has been taken from me and I reach for anything, anything, that can bring a bit of it back to me. Tipping the bottle to my lips doesn't change the emptiness I feel inside. Doesn't fill me up. Can't escape the memories.
It never seems to all pan out
Is that what all this teaching is needed to scout
You seemed to have a bad effect
Your rules and contradictions I would neglect
I laugh, my heart's not in it. Dead and shriveled in my chest. No mirth for me. You tell me to fight, for good. She tells me to fight, for self. I go for the latter. There's no good left for me to care about, to fight for. He died in front of me.
Though not my fault you made me feel
Like my own education wasn't truly real
Raised a hunter. Killer of all things evil. Not real, it's not me anymore. I'm more the hunted. More the darkness lurking behind all things light. She taught me that.
Then you came right in, tearing out my soul
How could all this loss be your only goal?
I'm left standing here desperate in the cold
Since you took your life mine has not been whole
He died. For me. Left me. Alone. Twisted. Broken. Dark. Should have known. He should have known. I reach for the bottle, lookin' for a way to disappear. I slam the bottle down without taking that burning, life bringing drink. Lookin' now for a way to get him back. Turning over stones, finding snakes beneath. I'm losing what I was, without him to remind me what that was. Every day burns away my soul.
So there I stood a scolded child
The reasons never questioned
My pain's been filed
Inside this place that makes me feel
I learned life is unfair and that is very real.
So the bitch made it back; crawled out of the pit. She stands in front of me now, worming her way inside my walls. I forget who I am in the circle of her arms. I forget what I've fought for. I just know- any means necessary- I'm gonna go out fighting. I'm gonna get my life back. A little darker, more twisted, powerful. Fighting.
While you try to overcome the lesson
Making the most of those questions that just keeps me guessing
I'm looking longer, harder, further than I ever have
Solitude breaking me down you always seemed glad
To put me down and stick me in that little pit
I snort, seeing her standing there. She has a hand on her hip, so like her. She taught me to do what I do. Pulling demons. Darkness. It's inside me, mutilating what I am, what I was anyway. She keeps pushing, breaking me. Training me. Hurts all the time. Getting better though, I'm getting stronger. I'll push back at her one day. She nuzzles me as she senses the stillness come over me. She knows she gets to me.
Personal growth as a child that mattered not a bit
Then I became the person that you hated most
Disrespecting the father, son, and holy ghost
I stare at him. That's all I can do. Just stare. He's a stranger to me, has been ever since he came back. I have to wonder sometimes, what happened to him there. Won't tell me. No, he won't ever talk. I just realized I can't make him talk. Oh, if he wants to, I'll listen.
I'm powerful beyond what he realizes. I haven't told him everything. I can't take the way he looks at me, these revelations taking us apart where we were so so close before.
A small example of what the things you've done to me
Have changed in my life and changed the things that I can't be
I'll never be!
"Think about it Dean. If you hadn't made that deal, I wouldn't be here."
"That's just it! You wouldn't be here!"
"I wouldn't have been alone! I wouldn't have turned to the one person who came back to me before it was too late!"
"It's not too late and I'M HERE!"
"ANGELS ARE THREATENING TO DUST ME, DEAN!" My eyes warp, I feel the heat. "IT IS TOO LATE!" I turn away from him, ripping a hand back through my hair. She comes out of the darkness. I pull her to me, holding her close, kissing her deep; it's like fucking in a glass house. He watches, waiting for it all to be a dream. Nightmare.
I put my hands to her face; don't even flinch as she starts choking in my arms. Cold black smoke filters over my hands, down between our bodies so close. Red veins of hellfire follow the seams of the tile. She's dead in my arms but it doesn't stop me from snapping her neck.
"SAM!" He calls to me, reaching out to stop me as her body slides to the floor, rotting already. I turn on him, black eyes piercing him like lightening. But they don't because that light arcs through me as pain centers in my chest. I look down, seeing the hilt of the bitch's knife sticking out of my chest. I giggle, sliding into his arms as he eases me down, tears burning paths down his cheeks as he falls with me.
"I'm sorry I left you alone." He tucks my head under his chin. "I'm sorry I didn't come back in time." He sobs. "I'll never be sorry I made that deal though." He pulls the knife from my chest, "I'll never leave you alone again" and slides it home in his.
A/N: I got some very...disturbing reviews on the last fic, because it seems I don't hate Sam like a lot of other nameless people that I can't...speak to, like I would like to. This is where I see the season and the series going, I don't like it at all but this is where a rift takes people who have nothing left but the person on the other side staring back.
But I do hope some of you liked and I hope you review. Thanks to any and all who do.