A/N: Sorry for the inordinate delay in updating Code RedCritical Mass folks. I was busy on exam duty for all of January and then vacationing after that, and well, I'm being cautious right now since it's a very fine line I'm walking with that storyline. So it's going to be a while before I write up something that I find works well without being too radical or too timid. In the meantime, here's a quickie I just thought up in order to lighten up the mood a notch during the current financial crunch.

It's also a quasi-response to my challenge for an intoxicated SM or WW in a SMWW fic. And yeah, it's something of a parody, or tongue in cheek at the least, and despite my well documented and well established reverence for these characters, this one's intentionally a tad irreverent. You could say it's a paradox. Or you could even say it's 'parody'xical. Okay, before everyone starts wondering if I've finally snapped and lost it, I better stop there.

Summary: Sometimes, the most unexpected situations can prove therapeutic, as our two favorite heroes are about to find out. Many thanks to Ronnie K for the original idea that forms the backbone of this fic (that's right buddy, this was originally 'Group Therapy') and to Enchantress once again for the beta. Set in the DCAU, post-JLU as usual and partially inspired by an unresolved plot bunny from the episodes 'Dead Reckoning' and 'Doomsday Sanction'. The latter is a nod to one of Hellacre's favorite themes. You'll know which one I mean as you read on, Milady. Hope you like it.

Disclaimer: I own nothing here except the story. All the characters used belong to DC and Warner Bros, go figure. This is done for fun, not profit. Heck, even the disclaimer isn't mine, but that's probably in the public domain by now.

Rating: PG-13/15 for mild sexual innuendos. Don't say you weren't warned beforehand. Of course, that depends entirely on your definition of 'mild' ;-)

Well, have fun, and do r & r folks. As always, constructive criticism is highly welcome. Again, do keep in mind that this is intended as a parody and not to be taken too seriously.

Cocoa, Spice and Everything Nice

(The Kryptonian Trap)



Ch 1: Best Laid Plans

Justice League Watchtower, Observatory:

It was only a few months ago, that if someone had told Diana, no nonsense Princess of Themyscira, that she'd go to such desperate lengths over a man, she'd have scoffed at the very idea. Hera, odds were she would've taken it as an insult and challenged anyone who dared make such insinuations. Wally's speed alone was all that saved him from being maimed each time he tested her patience with a remark about her and Bruce. Her pursuit of the most elusive bachelor of the League had been replete with enough drama, and embarrassing enough in hindsight without any external assistance, and Hera help her, the next time anyone, and she did mean anyone, reminded her of that, she was going to use them for weapons practice.

Then what in Aphrodite's name was she doing here, seeking a man's assistance in winning the affections of a man?

She was Wonder Woman, chosen champion of her people, and a fierce warrior for whom it was beneath her to go after a man, wasn't it? To land up where she had could mean one of only two things.

One, all the constant battles and the scheming of villains like Circe, Ra's, Luthor and Darkseid had finally taken their toll and she'd completely lost her mind…

… Or two, she'd fallen head over heels in love. Which, for most purposes, was pretty much equivalent to losing her mind. Hephaestus may have forged her vambraces well, but even he had in a slight oversight, forgotten one minor, albeit potentially lethal weakness- he'd not designed them to ward off Eros' arrows. And Aphrodite's errant son might be a loose cannon, but as Diana had found, he had deadly aim when he fired.

She'd originally planned on telling him at Amy's and Ross' Steak and Shake when they'd decided to go for that milkshake he'd been raving about. Of course, Aphrodite or Tyche had conspired against her and things had gone haywire then and there with her and her 'date' for the evening having to deal with Luthor in Flash' body. Once the crisis had been resolved and the two men at the center of it all had been restored to their own bodies, she didn't think she had ever been so glad to put up with Wally's antics.

On the flipside however, the moment had already passed, and she found herself tongue-tied yet again, unable to work up the courage to tell her best friend what was probably resonating audibly in her heart at that very moment, and was more worried at the prospect of him actually hearing it. Mercifully enough, the big lug had been blissfully unaware all along, typical male that he was under that superhero exterior.

Wonder Woman, speechless and afraid? What sort of man could have that effect on such a remarkable and fearless woman, you ask?

Why, Kal of course. That man had been her rock through thick and thin, and they'd forged a bond that went beyond League colleagues, beyond just friends. But she wanted more. She wanted it all- that hurtling, reckless, heart wrenching, mad passion that had inspired the great bards of the ilk of Homer to create epics such as the Iliad and which received such rich, tribute filled sonnets even from the modern poets. And she wanted Kal above it all.

Why wouldn't she? And who wouldn't? Kal was dependable and caring, and shared her noble aspirations and her appreciation for the simple things in life. And she had to admit; she'd mellowed considerably since meeting him.

It didn't hurt either that he looked absolutely spectacular and could rival the gods themselves in power and beauty. She still remembered the pleasant tingling that had coursed up her arms as she'd caught him, all battered and bruised and his costume in tatters after his punishing battle with Doomsday. Hera, even roughed up (but Kal, bare-chested was still Kal, bare-chested!) he'd been a sight to behold. And it had taunted her endlessly in her sleep. It was nothing short of a wonder that she'd managed to fly the Javelin back to the tower in one piece with that distraction on board.

And so she'd come here, because that was the only way she'd be guaranteed a good night's sleep ever again. Really, that was the only reason she was even doing this. At least, that's what she told herself.

"And you're sure this will do the trick?" She wrinkled her nose dubiously at the fine crystallized contents of the small vial in her hand.

J'onn J'onnz, the green skinned, shape shifting telepath known to the world at large as the Martian Manhunter, sighed heavily, resisting the urge to roll his deep set red eyes as he thought, I just simply must thank Kal for convincing me that it was in my best interest to join these emotionally unstable and primitive life forms on this obsolete satellite. Honestly, what would I do with myself if I couldn't play 'matchmaker to the clueless' while the universe around us caves in on itself? Plastering on an entirely false smile that he normally reserved for corrupt police officers and his landlady in Denver, or White Martians, J'onn reassured her, "Yes, Princess, I am certain. Just add one dose of that mixture to his drink and he'll be pawing all over you in no time." He just managed to resist the urge to shudder at the rather graphic images he was receiving from her mind at those words.

They seemed to have the entirely opposite effect on the lissome young woman as she clapped her hands gleefully, squealing like a child as she bounded out of the lab, calling out, "Thanks, J'onn!" over her shoulder.

The Martian shook his head in disgust. I should have just said no. This will not end well.

The Justice League Watchtower, Galley:

"Do you mind if I join you, Kal?"

The Amazon's sea blue eyes sparkled as Kal rose gallantly from his seat, gesturing at the chair across from him. "It would be my pleasure, Princess," he said in his usual placid, agreeable tone. I'm going to get you to loosen up and have some fun if it kills us both, she thought as she smiled and took a seat.

As he sat back down, she leaned over the table and peered distastefully into the glass he was drinking from. "How can you stomach that stuff?" she asked. "It looks like a Cyclops' bath water."

Kal smiled pleasantly, unoffended by her disparaging comment and taking it as a challenge instead, "I've endured a lot worse than this, Diana," like Lois' 'cooking', he thought before adding, "and I assure you, you'll think differently once you try it yourself," he started to get up, "If you'd like, I'll go and get you a glass myself."

"No!" she said, startling him back into his chair with her sudden outburst. "Uh, I mean, allow me. I know that Wally stocks a few very choice selections hidden away. I'll be right back."

Kal smiled cheerfully and made a sweeping gesture towards the kitchen, "Have it your way."

It was everything Diana could do to keep herself from breaking into a dash and piercing the satellite's hull from the anticipation pumping in her veins as she made her way across the galley, grabbing two clean glasses from behind the bar as she passed. Safely inside the kitchen away from prying eyes, she pulled the vial from within her bustier, the small container miraculously intact. She prepared two glasses of chocolate milkshake, all the while earnestly hoping that it didn't end up tasting like Pegasus' spit. Okay, she thought as she picked up the vial, J'onn said one dose…but how much in Tartarus is one dose? Looking around desperately, her eyes landed on a large dispenser. Perfect! She carefully dished out a large portion of the mixture, chewing her lip nervously as she stirred, and stirred, and stirred…and stirred. After what seemed to her like an eternity the drug was completely dissolved.

Okay Diana, you can do this, she mentally prepped herself as she fluffed her hair and squared her shoulders. Time to show him that there's nothing wrong with expressing your feelings. This is nothing to be terrified of. You've defeated hydras and Chimeras and Gods. This should be a walk in the park.

The love-struck Amazon flashed her best charming smile at Kal as he rose to receive the glass from her. She took special care to give him the one that was spiked. Wouldn't do me any good if I went spilling my guts to him, after all…he'd probably have me sent to an asylum. As they sat, he took a sip through his straw, and his eyebrows shot skyward in surprise. "This is spiced chocolate, isn't it?" he asked curiously.

"Uh, yeah," she said brightly, trying to hide her nervousness and praying that he wouldn't smell anything odd in his shake. "It was all I could find."

"My favorite," he assured her as he took another drink, bringing a sigh of relief from the young woman.

After a long, awkward silence, she said hopefully, "So, Kal…tell me, how are things in Metropolis?"

As he began to talk, she leaned in and feigned attentiveness, smiling and nodding at all the right places, but her thoughts were, How long will this take? I swear, if this Martian snake oil takes a week to kick in, J'onn's going to pay dearly. Wait…why is he staring at me like that?

Kal was smiling slightly as he studied her face. "What…what's wrong?" she asked hesitantly.

"Nothing Diana," he said, somewhat dreamily, his smile expanding. "It's just that I realized I never told you how beautiful you are."

Okay, J'onn's getting a lifetime's supply of Oreos. "Kal," she said with a coy smile, "what a sweet thing to say."

Kal surprised her by reaching for her hand and stroking it tenderly. "It is only the truth, my dear," he murmured. "From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I was enchanted. You are a real Wonder Woman, a wonder of a woman." Diana's mouth fell open, as she was rendered speechless, too surprised to even blush. "I have hidden my feelings from you for far too long, Princess. I love you, and I am not afraid to tell you anymore."

Wonder Woman's heart swelled as she leaned closer to him. "Oh, Kal," she breathed, "I-."

"In fact," he interrupted, his voice uncharacteristically loud, "I am not afraid to tell everyone. I want to shout my love for you to the world!" Before she could move, the tall man leaped up onto the table, smiling like a loon at the crowded room of Leaguers. "My dear friends!" he shouted over the din to the packed room, the shocked Amazon staring up at him, frozen. "I have an announcement to make! I want you all to know that I love this woman!" He pointed at her, gazing down with raw, albeit slightly drugged, adoration. "This strong and beautiful woman has captured my heart and I would do anything for her!"

Out of the corner of her eye, Diana saw Flash and Kara exchange a very confused look, and could hear Shayera making gagging noises from the back of the crowd. "Kal," she hissed, a plastic smile on her face to hide her panic, "that's quite enough I think-"

But the Kryptonian continued to shout blithely. "She is everything to me! When I close my eyes at night, I can see her face in my mind." He squeezed his eyes shut, swaying drunkenly as he continued, his voice lower, but still carrying easily through the now quiet room, "Sometimes I imagine the time I X-rayed her room and accidentally caught her bathing. How the water made her skin glow…the curves of her body…sometimes, late at night, that image comes back to me…and makes me touch my-."

"O-KAY KAL!" the alarmed and embarrassed Amazon stood up to haul the raving Kryptonian down by his cape and arm, ignoring the hoots and catcalls of the motley crew assembled in the room, "I think that's about enough declarations for tonight."

As Kal flopped back into his chair, she noticed that his pupils were very dilated and his breathing was strangely labored. "But…my darling love…" he panted, swaying as his eyes faded in and out of focus, "I just…my love…I want…." He tilted sideways and slid out of his chair, collapsing into a pile of drugged muscle.

Diana stared down at him in silent fixation for a moment before she managed in a strangled, panicked half-scream, "Kara!"

The Kryptonian teenager floated over, shaking her head, "What in Great Rao's name did you do to him?"

Instantly defensive, she snapped, "Nothing!"

Batman glided around the table, lifting Kal's glass to his nose and sniffing gingerly. "That desperate, are we Princess?" he asked, lifting his eyebrow in amusement as he smirked at the humiliated woman. "You know, there are easier ways to get a man." He circled around behind her, leaning close to her ear as he murmured, "All you had to do was ask."

Just great. Now he develops a sense of humor. "Oh, please, Bruce," Diana spat contemptuously. "You wouldn't be worth the effort." She turned back to Kara and pleaded, "Can you please help me get him out of here?"

"Fine," Supergirl moved to lift her prone cousin's leg while Wonder Woman crouched to lift Kal under his arms.

"Alright Diana, where do you want him?"

The beleaguered woman hesitated as she thought, Hmm…maybe some good can come from this disaster still. "Let's get him to my room."

Location: Watchtower, Wonder Woman's Quarters:

Stumbling over the too small threshold of her room, they landed in an awkward pile of cursing Kryptonian female, flushed Amazon female and sweating Kryptonian male, with a disgusted Dark Knight and a grinning Flash behind them all the way.

Looking down at Kal, it was obvious he was beginning to run a fever. "Okay, now we're going to have to strip him." Although truth be told, she didn't really need an excuse to do that.

After several minutes of cursing, struggling, and some more cursing, all under the loving supervision of Flash and Batman, Kal was finally stripped down to his waist. Flopping backward onto the floor with a groan, a sweaty Wonder Woman grumbled, "Oh, this couldn't possibly get any worse."

"Uh," Batman interrupted, the amused grin on Flash's face widening. "He's convulsing."

Spoke too soon, stupid! Quickly she moved to hold him down as he thrashed, but the seizure just seemed to get worse by the second. "Where's Panacea when you need her?" she yelled at the gawking onlookers. "He's going to need CPR and mouth-to-mouth-."

Backing away with his hands raised, Flash said, "Whoa, there, Di. I like you and all, but forget it! I'm a ladies' man and have a reputation to live up to!"

Batman cocked an eyebrow, "Don't even think about it. For once, I actually agree with Flash. Besides, I can't have my enemies draw some unwanted conclusions and try to use that against me."

Diana turned helplessly to Supergirl, only to find herself abandoned by her as well, the teenager's eyebrows rising in alarm at the prospect, "Uh, no way Diana. I mean, I love you both, but he's my cousin!" she gave her an apologetic smile, "Sorry Diana, you're on your own with this one."

"Fine!" she shouted angrily. "I'll do it myself!" This is your fault, a little voice nagged her, but she ignored it, bending instead to pinch Kal's nose as her mouth covered his. Although she didn't want to admit it, despite the dire circumstances she really enjoyed giving him the kiss of life, helped no end by the taste of chocolate still coating his lips.

She looked up from the task, "Could one of you please go get-?"

She broke off as the Atom appeared in the doorway beside them. "I'm here. Somebody called for a doctor?" he said quietly as he grew to his normal size to come kneel beside a rather delirious Superman. Ray Palmer pulled out a rather sturdy looking syringe and administered some drug cocktail that she couldn't recognize, and immediately Kal's body stilled and his breathing came a bit easier, but he still looked very grim.

The quantum physicist-physician raised his eyes to the Amazon, "If I'm to help him, you must tell me the cause."

Blushing fiercely, she responded, "Well, I don't really know what caused it…."

"She gave him an aphrodisiac," Batman offered with a smug grin.

Diana glared daggers at him, but admitted to Ray, "J'onn gave it to me."

"If I am to be of any use here, I'm going to need the constituents of that formula."

Nodding, Wonder Woman rose and leaned out the doorway past Batman and Flash, knowing they wouldn't go track down the Martian for her, and screamed at the top of her lungs, "J'ONN!"

A moment later, the Manhunter appeared through the wall with a deep sigh. "You called?" He suddenly spotted Kal, his eyes widening in surprise as he asked, "H'ronmeer! what did you do to him?"

"It's more like what did you do to him," she snapped back, "That compound you gave me sent him into convulsions!"

J'onn narrowed his eyes at her and asked, "Just how much did you give him?"

"One dose, just like you said!"

Pursing his lips as he struggled for composure, J'onn said slowly, "If you had only given him one dose, we would not be standing here, my dear. Did you use the delivery system I gave you?"

"What?" she said, confused and angry, "You didn't give me any such thing!"

J'onn pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "It's inside the stopper."

"J'onn, I'm telling you," Diana stated as she pulled out the nearly empty vial's stopper, "there's nothing… in… here…. " She stared blankly into the inside in dumb silence for a long minute at the small and finely calibrated built in dispenser, designed to dispense around one tenth of the dosage she had administered to Kal in his milkshake, "Oh Gaea, this is bad."

"We'll have to move him to the bed. And you," Ray turned to J'onn, "need to tell me the composition of that drug."

After a brief struggle, the sick Kryptonian was moved onto her bed, and as Ray and J'onn began working over him, Diana flopped down in her desk chair.

Oh, this is wonderful. He confessed his love for you, all right, to the entire accursed League, so you got what you wanted. Hey, you did say you'd get him to lighten up, even if it killed him… She lowered her head into her hands with a groan.

"I have done the best I can," Ray finally said as he covered Kal with a blanket. "He'll be fine, but he shouldn't be moved."

"What!?!" Diana protested said. "But…but…this is my room!"

"Why'd you have us bring him here then, Diana?" Kara asked.

"Because…I…" thought I'd make it look like we slept together and then maybe the boyscout would loosen up and we'd live happily ever after, but of course he has to get deathly ill and go into convulsions because it wouldn't be my life if things were easy! "I just wasn't thinking," she finished lamely.

Batman rolled his eyes in disgust and disappeared down the hallway, followed shortly by the rest of the group. Now left alone to deal with this… situation, Diana worriedly frowned as she leaned over Kal, who appeared to be sleeping soundly in her bed. With a sigh, she sat back down in her chair, propping her feet up on the desk as she tried to get a few hours sleep.


Kal's groan woke her a few hours later, bringing her stumbling to her feet, which were both numb from her awkward sleeping position. Dragging herself gracelessly to the bed, she leaned over and whispered, "Kal?"

"What…what happened?" he groaned as his eyes flickered open, struggling to focus on her face. Yes Diana, what did happen? Just what exactly are you going to tell him…the truth? "You were, uh, food poisoned," she lied, trying to keep her voice level and hoping he was still too disoriented to sense her dishonesty.

Kal massaged his pounding forehead as he propped himself up on his elbows. "Food poisoning?" he repeated. "I feel like I've been drugged."

Gaea! "Yeah, well," she smiled nervously and tried to change the subject. "Ray patched you up, so you should be feeling better soon."

Giving up leaving the bed, Kal lay back down, murmuring absently, "Oh well, thank you." The guilty woman smiled and stood, ready to head back to her chair for the remainder of the night. "Diana?" Kal's tone startled her. "Why am I in your bed?"

See, you should have told the truth from the start. Now you're a liar and there's no way you can weasel your way out of this one. She turned back to him, a big sheepish grin on her face. Maybe he'll think it's funny. The alarm that bordered on terror behind his eyes as he regarded her suspiciously made her realize, probably not.

"You know, Kal," she said, chuckling to herself as she sat down on the edge of the bed, "it's the funniest story. You see, J'onn thought it would be a good idea to test this experimental new drug on you…."

A/N: So, what do you think? Not too crazy I hope. If I managed to uplift someone's mood in this gloomy era, do let me know, and don't hesitate to call me a kook to my face if you think I'm one (aren't we all on some level or the other? LOL). Only one ground rule that I've already established earlier- don't attack me for my pairing preference since I'm decent enough not to attack yours. And if you want me to continue and finish this, that hinges on your feedback. So click on that button and review, people!

Until next time, take care.