My Favorite Victim
Companion 1-shot to TSG. Envy is all about control. He knows how to scare humans, anger them, manipulate them, whatever you need. After 400 years, he should. But finding the one exception doesn't make him happy. Seriously.
I warneth thee! Companion to The Switch Glitch. Don't read 'this' without reading 'that' or 'this' will throw you off. Kind of like when you don't follow the instructions in a Choose Your Own Adventure.
Other warnings! Rated for Envy's potty mouth, disturbing thoughts, and strangulation.
Written by: Zilo
Beta: Chizi-chan
Special Thanks To: Little Patch of Heaven, the reviewer I was responding to when this idea bashed me in the back of the head.


Zilo: Yaaaaaay! We get to delve into Envy's mind!

Envy: I hate you.

Ed: I bet it's filled with stupid crap.

Envy: Shut up, pipsqueak.

Ed: WHOAREYOUCALLINGSOSMALLHE—

Zilo: (knocks Ed out with a frying pan) We don't have time for this!! Now, let's get on with it, shall we?


Envy's P.O.V. (uh, duh)

Third Set of 1000 cont'd

675: The plan's simple, ridiculously so. Break out the chimeras, let them systematically wreak havoc on Biexilde, and hope one of the idiot alchemists in town lost a loved one or something, so they would be moved to try and bring them back. Thus plunging them into an ongoing search for the Philosopher's Stone, which Lust and I would oh-so-kindly assist with. Simple. See?

676: Didn't work out that way, though. First off, the damn chimeras weren't nearly ferocious enough to kill. Even after I tried some "persuasion" tactics on the stupid things, they weren't getting with the program. Second, it was taking far too long. We knew eventually that word would get back to the military, and they'll be sending some goons to investigate soon. I told Lust and Gluttony to get on with their own business, and I'll stay a few more days and see if I can't make SOMEthing happen.

677: Well anyway, I stuck around. When I heard the Full Metal Midget and his tin can brother had come to town, I was mildly elated. I wasn't allowed to kill him yet, but I could still do some damage to the brat.

Of course, they came waltzing to the lab. I heard the pipsqueak fall through the trap door and waited for him to blunder himself into the jaws of one of the caged chimeras.

At first I thought that the pipsqueak was just tired, or distracted, or something like that. I wasn't precisely sure, but there was something about the expressions he made and the things he said that made me think he wasn't himself. I thought I was just making things up, and engaged the bastard's son in battle.

But it kept nagging at me. The pipsqueak is never one to run from a fight, and he kept trying to escape me. He finally performed some out-of-control transmutation that tore up the floor. I decided to cut my losses and get out of there.

I just can't get it off my mind, though.

678: So, I wanted to know what was wrong with the pipsqueak. I didn't care about his well-being or anything; I just wanted to be certain nothing was distracting him from making the Philosopher's Stone. So I did a little infiltration at HQ to find out what was going on.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that it wasn't the pipsqueak after all. I did some more spying and found out that apparently some girl had taken over the pipsqueak's body. Once I confirmed that only a select few knew about it, I contacted the Master and told her what I had learned, figuring she might be interested. She told me to keep an eye on him—or her, really—and inform her of any new developments. Sounds like so much fun. That's sarcasm.

679: So I did. I wasn't able to find out how this girl had done it, though, so the Master instructed me to bring the bodysnatcher to her. I joined up with Lust and we went to find the girl, only to find that she had gotten herself in a bit of hot water with the scarred Ishbalan. Some people. You take your eyes off them for one second...

So I overpowered the brat, with a little bit of help from Lust, and dragged her back to Dublith to face the Master and reveal her secrets. So far she's just another boring human who I'll eventually kill, like all the rest. I enjoyed putting fear in her eyes each time I got to threaten her life today. I also enjoyed being her punisher when she didn't deliver enough information to the Master.

670: DAMN THAT LITTLE BITCH!!!!

She DARED to dangle my secrets in front of my face! I should have killed her then. It would have saved me a lot of trouble, stupid human!!! I'LL put that fear back into her eyes for sure and certain. I'm going to MAKEHERPAY. She'll be sorry she ever opened her damn mouth.

671: Of course she just HADto get away first.

672: Sure, I was pissed enough at her to track her down, but the Master gave me explicit orders not to harm her, just observe, and see if she would finally come out with the whole bodyswapping story while she thought she was safe. She didn't, but I did learn about her clairvoyance this way.

673: That brat's got some explaining to do. I don't know what kind of crap she was spewing, saying she LOVES me, but I'm getting to the bottom of it. Today.

674: Great, now I get to be her best buddy. This is the most wonderful thing in the world. That also was sarcasm.

675: I just returned from my first trip to see my favorite person in the world, which is also sarcasm. It (Envy remembered pausing here) wasn't (another pause) horrible. She's acting very weird. I have to see her again tomorrow night. This is ridiculous.

676: I DO NOT LIKE TO WRITE, DAMN IT!

677: This girl is confusing me. Everything she says and does is so (paused here) unpredictable. I ended up saying things I really DID NOT want to. But...she told me about my future. It sounds like a load of crap, but she said I'd understand when I got there. And where the hell did she get the name "Gate babies" anyway?

678: "Profanity". Idiot.

679: The plan has been set in motion. The brat thinks I killed her friend now. Sloth's waiting in Risembool to pick her up. It would've been Lust, but Lust is being an ass at the moment.

680: Of course, everything went perfectly. Now the brat's on our side, and the Master will use her clairvoyance. It means I have to put up with her more often now, but I can handle it. She's just a stupid human.


//Normal P.O.V.//

Envy, as always, considered crumpling up the papers, but instead he folded them into fourths and shoved them back underneath the seat of a broken chair, into a hidden hole in the floor, where most of his other written musings were.

Envy left the room, locking the door behind him. Not that something as simple as a lock would deter anyone here who really wanted to get in the room, but he did it all the same. It was like people who wore lucky underwear—completely pointless, but comforting.

Not like Envy needed comforting or anything.

He strode at a leisurely pace down the hall. So far, everything was going great. The tin can was locked up, making the Philosopher's Stone within reach. The bastard's son would soon be here, and Envy relished the thought of killing him.

But what was he going to do right now? Envy hated boredom. It was, well, boring. He wouldn't have it. There had to be something around that he could do. Maybe the Master had somebody he needed to kill. Envy grinned at that.

His footsteps slowed when he realized exactly what hall he had wandered into. His grin fell off his face. He almost stopped entirely. But no, he wouldn't be intimidated by one stupid human. He kept walking.

The set of double doors was on the right. Envy glared at them like they had offended him. Maybe they had at some point. On impulse, he twisted the knob and carelessly tossed one of the doors open. It was much too quiet in here—that brat must be up to something.

The lights were off inside. Envy peered into the darkness. The lavish bed had a lump on one side. Envy glanced down at the floor to his right and saw several scraps of semi-burnt cloth lying in piles inside a scorch mark on the plush carpet. What the hell has she been doing in here? Envy wondered, one brow raised in incredulity.

A weird noise from the bed caught his attention, making him look over. Risty May was rolling over to face him, curled up in the covers. The blue dress that she insisted on wearing day after day lay carefully folded at the foot of the bed. Envy wondered why she never wore one of the other dresses. It was annoying.

Risty May yawned and scratched her cheek in her sleep. Envy crossed the room and stood at the side of the bed, looking down at her. If she had been peacefully smiling in her sleep, he would have punched her in the face. At least she had the decency to be frowning. The annoying, irritating, whiny, stupid little waste of space. How Envy would love for the Master to give the order, so he could rid himself of this girl and her—her not being properly scared of him.

Envy had to clench his fists to keep from hitting something. The Master had already admonished him about his beating things up as a stress reliever. And he might wake the stupid girl up anyway.

But then, why did that even matter to him?

With a frustrated sigh, Envy turned his back on the bed, prepared to leave. He'd sort out his confused thoughts and feelings later. However, before he could even move away from the bed, something latched onto two of the fingers of his right hand. Envy whirled, his free hand and arm morphing into a spike to skewer whoever had dared to attack him.

It was just Risty May. She was still asleep, and was apparently having a really vivid dream. Her grip on his fingers wasn't very tight, and she was starting to snore.

"You damn little—" Envy hissed.

Obviously, she didn't quake in fear. But she did, astonishingly, smile and tighten her grip on his fingers.

"...Even though you're a Homunculus who likes to kill people, you've still got feelings..."

"…if it were possible, I'd like to be friends..."

"Okay, but if you ever need to…um, like, get something off your chest, you can always talk to me, okay?" Risty May said.

"Why the hell would I do that?" Envy demanded.

"I told you. I'd like to be friends."

It just didn't make sense. Humans either feared him, hated him, or both. They didn't try to be his friend or get to know him. Granted, Risty May was a bit different from other humans, but still was one. She shouldn't be smiling and wheedling around. She should scream in terror, dammit! Even in her sleep she wasn't properly afraid of him.

"Why are you such an annoying little puzzle?" Envy griped at the side of her head.

She responded with a snore.

"Fine. You know what? Fine." Envy twisted around so he could sit on the side of the bed without pulling his held fingers out of socket, though for some reason it didn't occur to him to pull them out of her grip. Nobody was around, and the object of his frustration wouldn't hear him, so he'd say whatever he felt like. After all, she was the one who'd offered to lend him an ear if he had problems.

The only sound in the room was Risty May's even breathing, which occasionally segued into a snore. Envy crossed his legs at the knee to get comfortable. "I hate your guts," he began. "You're too unpredictable, too annoying, too whiny, just...stupid! You're always saying and doing things I don't expect to hear. I don't like surprises." He glared over his shoulder to see if she had woken up, but she was still asleep, her face half-buried in the huge pillow.

"Why can't you be like the rest of your stupid kind?" he hissed.

Why did it affect him so much? Well, her unpredictability was dangerous. Who knew what she might do that could ruin everything. And the way she was always trying to be all nice and understanding to him, no matter what he said or did to try and scare her off. Even if he beat her up, she still came back full force yammering about friendship.

But why? What made it so annoying?

Envy was always honest with himself. He was the only one he trusted. To himself, he could admit that Hohenheim's rejection had hurt him deeply. He could admit that he hated Ed and Al's close relationship because he couldn't have something like that for himself. He knew he had serious issues, which were not about to be showcased to the world, and that he covered up his pain with anger, and doled out pain of his own. He didn't mind being hated—it fueled him.

Risty May was screwing all that up. No matter what he did or said to her, he couldn't shake her. It was like she was determined to get to the inner Envy, like some damn shrink.

"It's not gonna work, you know," he told her. "You can smile and offer therapy sessions all you want. I'd never tell you anything."

There was no way he would ever, ever, relate his feelings to a human. He'd sooner stab a hundred shards of glass in his behind. And then not take them out.

Risty May yawned in her sleep, and her hand loosened its grip on Envy's. He took his hand back and put it in his lap. If he could ever get a straight answer, that would be nice. The few times Envy allowed himself to ask her why she was going to all this effort, all she did was spout the friends excuse again. But why? Why did she want to be friends with him? Why was it so freaking important?

"It just doesn't make sense," he growled.

Of course, he got no answer to that. Envy glanced over his shoulder again, then leaned back on his hands, crossing his legs on the bed. His thoughts drifted to the conversation they had had earlier this afternoon...


"Hey, Envy?"

"What?" Envy demanded, looking up. Risty May had just stepped into the room, her hands nervously smoothing a wrinkle on the front of her dress. She looked a little uncertain. "If it's not important, leave me alone."

Risty May blinked. "...Oh." She turned around.

Envy watched her, wondering, and then getting mad when something in him wished she hadn't been so easy to scare off. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he found himself snapping at her.

"Eh?" Risty May flipped back around, looking confused. "But...you just said—"

"I know what I said! What happened to that bold brat who swore at me, huh?"

"Uh..." Risty May blushed.

Envy made a "tch" noise. "Fine. Go ahead and scurry on your little way," he said, swiveling back around in his chair and putting his back to her. What a disappointment, he thought with a mental sneer.

There was a footstep into the room. "Envy?"

"What?" he said in an irritated tone.

"I...want to talk to you."

"Tough."

More footsteps, then Risty May swung around to face him. Even with him sitting and her standing, her head was only a little higher up than his. "Please?"

"Why?" Envy asked in a you're-wasting-my-time-idiot tone.

"Because...I just do! It won't take long, and you're not doing anything—"

Envy held up a hand to stop her. "Fine. What?"

"Do you know where Roze is?"

"No, and I don't care either. If that's all you want—"

"And also," she went on, still looking a little nervous but bravely forging ahead, "I'm bored."

"I'm not the physical manifestation of your fun, so why are you bugging me?" Envy asked.

"Because I bet you're bored too."

"And if I am? So what?"

"So let's get un-bored together."

Envy raised a brow. "And why would I want to get 'un-bored' with you anyway?"

"Because you can't stand Wrath, tormenting Al's gotten old, Dante's no good for talking to, and you don't even acknowledge Roze's existence," Risty May shot back. "I'm the only option left."

Envy's other brow went up. She had a point, oddly. "What makes you think you're any better than them?"

"I just am. I'm Profanity."

Envy blinked. He had to think for a moment before he remembered that night he had helped Risty May come up with a Homunculus name. That had been so long ago. But...it hadn't been entirely awful. Amazingly, she had another point.

"All right, fine. What idiot things do you want to talk about?" he finally gave in, crossing his legs at the knee.

Risty May's face brightened in triumph.


Somehow the conversation hadn't been irritating, or even boring. Risty May had just talked to him about random things, like the weather, imagining different kinds of Homunculus powers, all sorts of ridiculous topics. Envy would make some smarmy remark, but they never fazed her. She'd just laugh or reply and defuse it.

Envy heaved a breath through his nose. It was confusing. Which made it annoying. Which made him mad. He wasn't used to having to figure people out. They were always the same—slow, stupid, boring, emotional, annoying, easy to manipulate, and best of all, killable. Risty May was still stupid, of course, and emotional and pretty easy to manipulate. Of course killable. Pretty slow. Annoying, definitely.

But not boring.

Envy was surprised when he finally realized it. Despite Risty May's annoyances and wheedling and whining and ridiculous amount of time spent in tears, she wasn't ever boring. Whether it was something she did, said, or predicted, she was somehow able to be interesting. All the time.

Envy hadn't found a human interesting in...well, ever, really. Unless they were dying.

"All right, fine. So you're interesting. So what?" he grumbled.

What did that mean then? Nothing. Just because Risty May was interesting didn't mean a single thing. It didn't mean he liked her hanging around with him—of course not! It didn't mean wanting to hold back a laugh when she said something beyond ridiculous—not even! It didn't mean wishing he could actually tell her something about himself—

Envy froze.

No.

He had not just thought that.

I had better be going insane, he thought. He sat up straight so his fists could clench. That was impossible. What was the matter with him? 400 years of building and kindling his hatred and he was going to let some girl be the exception? He wouldn't allow it. He'd hate her. He'd make himself hate her. He'd pick out her every flaw and make sure and certain that he observed them.

"I'll hate you," he growled at her sleeping head.

There was no way he would jeopardize his entire way of life because one girl refused to stop trying to be his friend.

Envy got off the bed. "Dammit," he snarled, a little louder then he had intended to. Then, realizing he had been trying to keep it down all this time, just so he wouldn't wake her up, he went on and raised his volume. "Dammit!" he said much more loudly. He stomped to the door. Screw her. She wouldn't get to him. Nobody would.

"Hmm promise."

Again, Envy froze. He spun around. He'd actually woken her up. But wasn't that what he'd been trying to do anyway? So it didn't matter. He could just walk out and let her wonder what he'd been doing in her room.

He could just walk out.

He could just walk out.

He could just pick up his damn feet and walk out the door.

But he was still standing there staring at Risty May's bed when she opened her eyes. She saw him and blinked sleepily, once, twice, then sat up fast. "Burglar!!" she cried, groping around on the bed. She picked up something small and dark and hurled it at Envy's head.

Envy easily snatched the stupid thing out of the air. Oh, so now she was going to throw things at him? "Knock it off, you little pest!" he snapped.

She blinked some more, then her eyes cleared. "Envy?" she said, sounding unsure.

"Yes, and the next time you throw something at me, I'm returning it—in your eye," Envy said irritably.

"I'll...keep that in mind. But, uh, what are you doing in my room? And isn't it night time? Don't you sleep, Envy?" Risty May asked.

"Stop asking me questions!" Envy burst out, his fists shaking. He hated her. He did. He was sure he did. He had to. He couldn't not. Why did she sound like she cared if he wasn't getting enough sleep? Why did she care?

Risty May pulled up her covers and pulled her fingers through her hair, which was smashed up on one side. "Um...can I do something for you?" she asked.

"You can shut up and go back to sleep," Envy snapped, turning around. He had to get out of here.

"Wait, Envy!"

He stopped. Why did he stop? Why weren't his feet listening to him today?! He looked over his shoulder, refusing to get any closer. He probably had a murderous look on his face, because Risty May looked pretty nervous. "What?"

"Y-You came in here for something, right?" Risty May ventured.

Envy glared at her, trying to intimidate her off the subject, but for once she didn't back down. He wanted to kill the part of him that was impressed at her improvement. "Right?" she pressed.

"Yeah, and?" he growled.

"Well..." Risty May looked down at her hands, then seemed to summon up her courage and looked back up at him. "If you...like...need to get something else off your chest, then, you know, I'm...here."

"Why."

"Why what?"

"Why do you care!" he practically shouted. If she said "because I want to be your friend" again, he wouldn't be responsible for his actions.

Risty May then, surprisingly, got out of her bed and walked over to him. She was wearing the shirt and pants she had come here in, which apparently served as her pajamas now. "Well, I don't know, I just do. I...you know, I like you. I want to be your friend. That's why," she said.

There she went again. Somehow Envy didn't snap her neck right then and there. "You're an idiot," he growled, glaring directly into her eyes, trying to intimidate her again.

Risty May flinched, but didn't look away. "Well, yeah, but, still...I'm, like, here."

The impressed part of him was impressed again. Envy mentally punched its lights out.

"I hate you," he spat, hoping saying it enough would get the point across to them both.

"Okay." This didn't faze her. Maybe he'd been saying it too much.

"You're irritating," he tried.

"Okay." She was still unfazed.

"You drive me insane!" he yelled, getting madder.

"Okay." She wasn't scared yet.

Envy blew up. "Damn you little--!" His hands reached up and circled around her stupid neck. He would kill her. Now. He didn't care what the Master would say. He couldn't take this anymore. He couldn't do this. If she wouldn't get the hint and stay away from him then he would have to kill her. He would not let her reach him.

Risty May's eyes went wide as he started to siphon off her life. She didn't try to pull his hands away, though. She simply gaped at him, the fear of death flashing through her eyes. She should be scared. She should have always been scared. She should have stayed away. Inner Envy was off-limits, and she should have figured that out.

WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?! he screamed at Hohenheim.

WHY DID HE LOVE YOU AND NOT ME?! he screamed at Edward.

"WHY CAN'T I GET TO YOU?!" he screamed at Risty May.

WHY IS SHE DOING THIS TO ME?! he screamed at himself.

WHY? WHY? WHY?!

He didn't want any friends, he wanted enemies. He wanted to be left alone to destroy the human race. He wanted to be able to safely hate the world and not have someone trying to be nice to him. The only thing he wanted from humans was fear and hatred and then their deaths.

And then he let her go.

Specifically, he released her neck and shoved her down onto the carpet. Risty May gasped once, a very painful sound, and immediately started to cough, hard. Her hands went to her throat, and her body curled up a little.

WHY DIDN'T YOU KILL HER?!

Why didn't he?

Envy pointed his face at the carpet and put his hand over his eyes. He had a headache now. Why didn't he kill her?

Envy was always honest with himself. He searched for the truth. He looked for the real answer to the question.

I didn't want to.

Envy swallowed.

WHY NOT? YOU WANT TO KILL ALL HUMANS!

Yeah. I just didn't feel like killing her.

AND WHY NOT?

Because.

…BECAUSE?!

Because I don't hate her, dammit. And I don't feel like killing someone I don't hate.

Fine. He had admitted it. As much as he wanted to, Envy didn't hate Risty May. He wouldn't say he couldn't hate her, but for now, he didn't.

He had hated everyone he came across for 400 years. The only ones who fell under the "not-hated" category were other Homunculi and the Master. She didn't count as a human. She was just...the Master. Envy had never not hated a human.

And now he did.

"Envy?" a voice croaked behind him. Envy didn't have to look to know it was Risty May. Of course, he wasn't going to apologize for strangling her. She should just be glad he had his epiphany before she was dead. An epiphany she'd never learn of, of course.

"You should go back to bed," he told her.

"Are you sure?" she croaked.

Now what? "Of?"

"You don't—" she paused to cough "—wanna talk or anything?"

Envy fell silent. Only someone as insane as Risty May would have herself strangled and then ask the strangler if he wanted to talk about something. She must have had some mental imbalance. Maybe that was why she kept persisting. Maybe that made her different, somehow. Envy didn't feel like analyzing it anymore at the moment. One epiphany was enough, thank you very much.

"Not tonight," Envy found himself saying. He left as fast as he could, slamming the door behind him. He went down the hall, a puzzled look on his face. Not tonight, he had said. If Risty May was so hell bent on being his best buddy...maybe he could at least use her when he felt like ranting about something.

Fine. Maybe he'd try this again some other night. Maybe. Possibly. He wasn't making any promises.

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!

We already covered that 200 years ago. Give it up.


681: I don't know what I'm going to do about that brat.


Envy: I HATE YOU.

Zilo: Hehehehehee!

Ed: (wakes up) Wha...? What'd I miss?

Envy: (sneers) I made a little nocturnal visit to your girlfriend, pipsqueak.

Ed: ...

Zilo: ...

Ed: WHATTHEHELLYOUBASTARDYOU'REGONNADIERIGHTNOWGETOVERHERESOICANKILLYOU!!!

(chases Envy)

Zilo: Oy vey. Well, review please! Tell me what you thought! Was Envy canon or no?