Disclaimer: This is such a odd idea of a parody assignment I had to do in Creative Writing class. So I am simply copying it down as I had written it. I got an A+, but still, I'll let you decide what it deserves. Stephen King's "The Shining" shall be horrifically parodied in this fic. Forgive me, Stevie...
"It is old age, rather than death, that is to be contrasted with life. Old age is life's parody, whereas death transforms life into a destiny: in a way it preserves it by giving it the absolute dimension. Death does away with time."
-Simone de Beauvoir
"Satire is a lesson, parody is a game."
-Jack Nicholson, The Shining
And so it begins...
Jack Torrence sat in the office with Ullman, who was just going over his new job he would be receiving. A new job he would get at the LookoutBelow hotel.
"Jack, this job isn't going to be too hard," Ullman told him, "It just requires little tidbits and stuff, nothing too heady."
Jack smiled, eager to start his new job as Caretaker. "Now that's no problem with me." he replied, leaning back in his chair.
The silence following was a bit overwhelming and Ullman seemed a bit reluctant to tell Jack his next piece of information. The silence was broken by a faint flatulent sound. Jack shifted in his seat, responding fleetingly to the sound. Ullman stammered slightly, blinking that away all together.
"I don't suppose they, uh, told you anything in Denver about the tragedy we had up here during the winter of 1970." Ullman said.
Jack smiled and shook his head, scratching his leg with his left foot.
"I don't believe they did." he replied.
Another small flatulent sound and then there was a brief pause from Ullman before he continued.
"Well, uh, my predecessor in this job hired a guy named Charles Grady as the Caretaker," he explained. Another flatulent sound followed, with an awkward pause. "And he came up here with his wife and two little girls," He paused with a smile. "Wife was kinda hot, though." He continued. "He seemed like he was normal, and all, but at some point during the winter, he up and went crazy on those ladies!" Ullman began to make scary hand gestures that caused Jack to lean back a bit uneasily. "He ran around like a lunatic from a Michael Myers film and hacked those poor chicks to pieces!"
Jack glanced back and forth, watching to make sure no one was within earshot. It became worse as Ullman began to demonstrate what had occured at the hotel on top of his work desk. He was lying flat on his back, making strangling sounds.
"Cut his own stomach out and choked himself with it!" Ullman ranted, "Ackk ... "
Jack smiled sheepishly and watched as Ullman straightened up, running his hands through his own hair.
"Whoo! Got my own self hot tellin' that story!" he said.
Jack sighed, smiling painfully. "Well, that is, uh, quite a story, you know." he murmured, trying to muster dignity.
Ullman smiled, nodding. He wiggled a bit in his chair. "Yeah, it is." he replied, "Oh, it's still hard for me to believe it actually happened here. But it did. I think you can appreciate why I wanted to tell you about it."
Jack nodded and wiggled some more, scrunching his nose. "I certainly can, and uh, I also understand why your people in Denver left it for you to tell me," he muttered, a bit uneasy by what he had heard.
Once more, a much louder and extensive flatulent sound filled the small office room and Ullman smiled, rising.
"Well, obviously, anyone can be put off by the idea of staying in a place where a murder happened," he said, "But you seem like a big, strapping man, I know that kinda stuff won't bother ya'."
Jack smiled painfully and nodded. He left the office, gasping for air.
Danny and Wendy Torrence sat in their small, suburban kitchen and Danny was watching his mother make pancakes. He shut his eyes and focused on his psychic ability.
"Mom, tea's gonna be done right ... NOW."
The teakettle on the stove whistled loudly and Wendy laughed, fetching it and taking it off of the heated stove. "Have another vision about my tea, huh?" she said, "Who needs a kitchen timer when I got you?" She kissed his forehead.
Danny reverted to "Tony" as Wendy went to get a plate. "Do you really wanna go live in that hotel for the winter?" he asked, in his scratchy voice.
Wendy laughed softly, taking her son's role playing as harmless fun. "Sure I want to go. It'll be lots of fun." she told him.
Danny gave a wry snort and used his middle finger to speak in Tony's voice. "I don't like the LookoutBelow Hotel," he replied, roughly, "Who made that name up, anyway? Some jackass?"
Wendy sighed. "Tony, no bad language," she reminded him. "You know how I feel about that."
Danny shrugged and slowly lowered his hand to his lap. "I don't want to go to that hotel, Mrs. Torrence."
Wendy smiled. "How come?"
"I just don't." Danny snapped, as Tony.
The Torrance family car snaked through the mountains and on the back of their family car, there were numerous bumper stickers stuck to the bumper. One specifically noted was "I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing". The family pulled up into the LookoutBelow Hotel and Ullman led them on by into the foyer.
"Are all these Indian thingamajigs authentic?" Wendy asked, fingering with a Native American skull sitting on the counter.
Ullman chuckled sheepishly, taking the skull from her. "Yeah, I have no idea what that's doing out here ... " he muttered. He quickly shelved the skull into a mail slot and looked up at Wendy. "Mainly on Navajo and uh, Apache motifs."
Wendy nodded, still surprised by the skull. Ullman changed the subject and decided to go down a different road.
"Did you know many presidents and stars came to stay here?" he said, "All the best people."
Danny looked over by a chair and spotted Michael Jackson sitting there as a ghost. "Come here, little boy," he crooned, beckoning with one long finger, "I'll take you to safety."
Danny hid behind his father as the ghost of Michael giggled before vanishing. His false nose hit the floor while the rest of him vanished. "ABC ... Easy as 1, 2, 3 ... " Michael sang.
Wendy looked up at the sound of the singing. "What's that?" she asked, looking at Ullman.
He just smiled, shaking his head. "Oh, sometimes the hotel makes noises, it's old." he replied.
Jack smiled at everything around him. "Well, it's uh, very homey." he said.
Ullman chuckled, nodding. "Now, let's go find Halloran, the Head Chef of the hotel."
They walked into the kitchen and smoke was filtering in the air. Several coughs from them and Ullman growled. "Halloran, what the hell are you doing?" he demanded.
Halloran appeared from the smoke with a loud cough. "Oh sorry!" he said, dressed in dangling gold chains and gang-banging clothes. "Guess I spent to much time on that chili." He laughed and offered a hand to Jack. "Hey, Dick Halloran, wassup?"
Jack reluctantly shook his hand and Halloran smiled at Ullman. "I take it from here, homey."
Ullman sighed, but walked away, leaving the Torrence's with Halloran. He ushered the parents off. "Hey, does Doc like ice cream, man?"
Wendy smiled down at Danny. "Would you like that?"
Danny reluctantly nodded and he and Halloran took a spot alone to eat their ice cream. Halloran noticed Danny pluck a ring from his own ice cream and grunted sheepishly, taking it and wiping it off before fitting it to his hand.
"Ice Cube got in the mix, sorry, man." he said.
Danny looked up at him. "Mr. Halloran, how did you know my family calls me Doc?" he asked.
Halloran stopped eating his ice cream and raised a brow. "Oh yeah, that's right, you got the gift too, huh?"
Danny didn't answer at first, knowing full well what Halloran was talking about. "Yeah..." he said.
Halloran nodded. "Yeah, I got it too," he replied, "Me and my mom's would be doin' all this head talkin' and not be movin' our mouths."
Danny stared at him.
Halloran got up and smiled. "Hey, mini man, if you need me, just ... holla!" He pointed to his own head and laughed, strolling off.
A Month Later
Wendy walked up to Jack, who swayed back and forth in his chair, a psychotic gleam in his eye.
"Get a lot written today?" she asked.
He grinned painfully. "Yeah, so nice of you to barge in and interrupt me like this!" he snapped.
Wendy chuckled, shaking her head. "Sorry, I got some sandwiches for you." she told him, putting the plate down.
There were many sandwiches on the plate, quite a good bit for one man. Jack raised a brow.
"What the hell kind of sandwiches are these?" he demanded.
Wendy beamed happily. "Liverwurst," she told him, "Doctor says they're good for you."
Jack snorted, visibly insulted. "Why don't you just go out and play in the snow, make yourself useful and get outta here, hm?" he snapped.
Wendy laughed, walking off. "Okay, you big grouch." she teased, "I'll make more sandwiches!"
Jack mocked her as she disappeared. "Oh ... " he muttered.
On the far side of the hotel, Danny rode on his exploratory bike ride as he came around a corner in his inexorable progression; Danny was petrified when he confronted two dead girls at the end of a hallway blocking his way. In unison, they beckoned to him in metallic, other - worldly voices with an invitation:
"Hello, Danny, come and play with us. Come and play with us, Danny."
They were both wearing party outfits and had bongs in their hands. Their eyes filled with a distant, drunken haze. "We're having a party. So don't cry. Come and have a splendid time."
For an instant, Danny saw their gruesome fate. The bongs were shoved clear through their small frames and they both lay in pools of blood in a blood - spattered hallway. They just laughed and resumed their normal pose.
"Let's get high..." they chanted, "Forever ... and ever ... and ever ... "
Danny covered his eyes to shut out the ghostly apparitions. As he slowly uncovered his eyes, it appeared that they had vanished. Danny glanced off to the side, terrified. He sought comfort from his alter ego. Tony was dressed in Hawaiian clothing and looked like Danny, only goofier.
"Tony, I'm scared." he mumbled.
Tony smiled, holding him very close. "It's okay, I'm here for you ... " he said, "None of these spooks are gonna hurtcha."
Michael Jackson appeared so suddenly with a broad grin. "Osh gosh begosh, I'm here for you too." he crooned.
Tony glowered at him. "SHUT UP!" he barked.
Wendy found Danny later in his room, swaying back and forth. She bent down to him. "Danny, what's wrong?" she asked.
Danny sucked his thumb and Wendy bent down, seeing the marks on his neck. She gasped in shock. "Oh my God, who did this to you?" she cried.
Danny did not answer, he was so traumatized.
Meanwhile, Jack staggered into the empty bar and groaned. "God, I need a drink ... " he muttered, "One shoot to heaven, just one."
Mel Gibson, another ghost, was sitting down and offered a small bottle of liquor. "It's on the house, champ." he said.
Jack walked up to the bar and smiled pleasantly, seeing another ghost. "How you doin' Lloyd?" he asked.
Lloyd, in a red suit and all smiled back at him. "I am quite fine, Jack." he told him, "Wanna take a swig?"
Jack giggled darkly and nodded. "Keep 'em coming, Lloyd." Soon, he was drink and singing a happy tune with the Mel Gibson ghost.
"99 bottles of beer on the wall ... " they sang, together, "99 bottles of beer ... "
He gave a low, growling belch afterwards and Lloyd laughed at that. "Hm, too much to drink?" he mused.
Wendy suddenly rushed into the room and the ghost all vanished. "Jack!" she cried, "Jack. There's a crazy woman in the hotel!" she cried, "She started singing and tried to hurt Danny! He said it was room 666!"
Jack heaved a drunken sigh. "Fine, I'll go and check it out ... " he muttered. He got up and bumped into the wall before leaving. "But there better be someone here!" he called back.
His drunken laughter filled the halls and he entered the room Wendy spoke of. Room 666. Jack entered the room and found someone floating in the water. She was a lovely woman of very young age. Jack smiled and bent down to kiss her. Two ghosts, an Indian ghost and Mel Gibson grinned, watching him.
"Hey, someone get Frankenstein!" the Indian called, giggling, "This one's gonna do it!"
Grady gave a snort, standing there. "Oh ha - ha ... " he muttered, annoyed.
Just as Jack bent down, the woman bolted upright and her skin rotted away to reveal Michael Jackson. He giggled and Jack gasped with horror, stumbling back.
"Oh God, not you!" he cried.
Michael laughed. "Aww, I didn't mean to hurt your little boy!" he sneered, "He's so cute!"
Jack glared at him. "You're sick!" he cried, shoving Michael back into the water and attempting to drown him. He beat the ghostly pervert with a plunger and Wendy walked in.
"Jack?" she said, cautiously, "Did you get her?"
Jack sat on the bathroom floor, smiling pleasantly and dripping wet. He held the plunger in his hands.
"Yup. Sure. I got ... her." he told her, "Now go back to the room."
Just as Wendy left, Michael jumped out of the water and tried to grab Jack again, but Jack hit him on the head with the plunger and Michael went down again.
Jack returned to the bar and bumped into Grady, who dumped his drink on him by accident.
"Funny, I saw an odd man with a fake nose in the bathroom," he said, annoyed, as Grady cleaned him up. "He's a little pervert. I don't care if he is a ghost, I'm gonna kill him."
Grady laughed softly. Jack now took note to his British accent and coat. "Well, he comes and goes, I suppose," he replied, "He's nice, just a little short on a few bulbs ... "
Michael Jackson walked into the party and grinned. "Hi, I'm back!" he cried.
Jack scowled and pointed at him. "Hey you!" he barked, now chasing a fleeing Michael, "I'm not done with you! Come back here, you little freak!"
Meanwhile, Wendy was looking through Jack's book and discovered the same message, over and over again: "All work and no play makes Jack a crazy guy". That's when Jack attacked her, grabbing her around the neck. Wendy freaked completely and wrenched from his grasp. She took off to her room and locked the door.
"Danny!" she cried, "We have to get out of here!"
Danny nodded, his Shining gift giving him the ability to see what would happen next.
And it was not pretty.
"W - Where's daddy?" he asked.
Michael Jackson popped up from the wall with a terrified grin. "Run like the wind!" he cried, "Daddy's gonna kill you!"
Danny and Wendy went for the bathroom and locked the door. Jack beat on the door with his axe and poked his head in with a grin. "HEEEEERRRREEES JOHNNY!" he cried, laughing maniacally at Wendy.
She gave a yelp and poked his eyes out. Jack reeled with a cry of pain.
"Oh, real good, honey!" he snapped, "Poke my eyes out! That's reall friggin' original!"
"So's choppin' a door down with an axe!" Wendy countered, "I mean, that's so old school!"
Danny took that chance and jumped out of the window, tumbling down the massive snow pile while they verbally argued.
"Well, I mean, I was going for choppin' you guys up, that's original, right?" Jack said, hand on one hip.
Wendy scowled. "NO!" she snapped, "I mean, didn't you see that scene where Danny saw the dead girls all over the floor! Grady did that. You're just copying him!"
"Well, that's the whole idea, right?" Jack asked, shrugging. "I mean, I'm kinda going crazy like him, wouldn't that make sense to just, you know, go nuts?"
Wendy sighed. "Well, I guess. But it kinda puts off this whole thing, doesn't it?" she pointed out, "I - I mean, no one's really gonna be surprised, are they?" She shrugged. "I mean right now, the whole axe chopping thing probably got a few people disappointed."
Jack thought about that. "You know, this really isn't the first bad movie I've ever done. Did you see The Fortune?"
Wendy nodded, smiling. "Yeah, that wasn't all that bad."
Jack sighed, rolling his eyes with disgust. "God, I nearly threw up after the first scene." he muttered, "And that movie even got nominated for a Golden Globe! Christ, I just think people can't recognize good and bad. I sure as hell can."
Wendy laughed. "I liked Poltergeist."
Jack smiled. "Oh you know, so did I."
Wendy laughed. "It's kinda got the same qualities as this, doesn't it?"
Jack frowned. "In what way?"
"Well, we got two ghost plots where no characters blend together well. So yeah ... " Wendy pointed out. "And both main characters talk to dead people."
Jack nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah, I guess I can see it."
The grinding sound of Halloran's snow cat perked up all ears. Outside, it pulled up the driveway. Jack caught the sound and smiled at Wendy. "Well, gotta go kill the chef, which everyone probably figured I'd probably do by now," he told her, "See ya'!" He walked off.
Halloran sauntered coolly down the lobby. "Yo, where da white folks at?" he called.
Danny was scrunched up in a cabinet and Jack suddenly dove out with a roar, sticking Halloran in the chest with his axe. Blood spurted from the wound and Halloran howled in agony, falling to the floor and writhing in his own blood. He moaned.
"Why da brotha gotta get stabbed with a friggin' axe ... " he groaned.
Jack chopped him up some more and Danny screamed, knowing full well what had happened. Jack sauntered off, but not before returning and stealing Halloran's ring on his finger.
Grady appeared and smiled. "How are things, Jack?" he asked.
Jack smiled and leaned on his axe. He didn't see Danny start to slither away. "Well, great, great ... " he said. "But the wife ... " He rolled his eyes. "See, she wants me to move the Indian skulls down to the lobby cuz she's got new drapes she wants to put up. And I'm like 'Honey, hello? This kinda gives away that this whole hotel is haunted and I gotta show that to the audience'. I can't ... "
Grady tsked sadly. "Are you serious?" he asked.
Jack nodded. "Yeah, now look at me," he said, "Talking to friggin' dead guys and that kinda just...kills it completely. I can't put the skulls in the basement. Besides, there's too many of the damn things lying everywhere."
Grady nodded, agreeing with him. "No ... no ... "
Jack nodded, keeping it up and not seeing Michael behind him, eating a fish sandwich. "And then, she's like 'Put a tarp over 'em too, because they're creepy to look at'."
Grady sighed. "Oh, no way ... "
Jack scowled, tapping his foot. "And I just felt like, 'No ... I'm not ... dammit'!" he griped.
Grady tsked, nodding. "No appreciation, I tell ya'." he muttered. "My wife was the same. She just couldn't stand the sight of 'em and ... " He trailed off, seeing Michael standing there. "Hey, isn't that that guy?"
Michael smiled. "So what's with the bathroom, right?"
Jack growled. "AWWW, WHAT THE HELL?" he snapped, raising the axe.
Michael freaked out and took off. "Jackie, no!" he cried, "We're cool!"
Wendy rushed down the stairs, knife in hand. The chanting sound of rapping filled the air all around her. Wendy spotted two men going at each other and they glared at her.
"Do you mind?" the man in a dog suit snapped.
The tuxedo man smiled. "Hey, maybe she can get in on it."
Wendy looked thoughtful for a moment. "Hm, later." she told them, taking off.
Danny was fleeing from Jack out in the icy snow. He slipped on the frozen lake and Jack fell through and climbed out, just as Wendy and Danny got into Halloran's gangster snow cat and drove off into the night.
"Come back!" he raged.
The cat played rap music and the two were gone, out of sight. Jack roared and rose to slice his axe down, but he froze there by the cold and ice, dying.
The next day, a gruesome shot showed Jack's frozen face and ice covered body. A bird landed on his shoulder and pooped there. A dog was humping his frozen leg. Michael was laughing at the frozen Jack with a grin.
"Ahhahhha!" he sneered, "You're dead and I'm not!"
Grady shook his head with a sigh. "You just happen to fit that category." he snapped.
Back and the hotel, there was a shot of Jack. The black and white image of the picture is from the LookoutBelow hotel, it's evil time zone. It had been taken during the hotel's hey - day at the July 4th ball. Broadly grinning and waving, a younger - looking Jack is forefront in the picture, safely absorbed into the scene. Michael was giving him bunny ears in the shot. Behind him were ghostly revelers in smart, gangster garb. The inscription:
"LookoutBelow Hotel/July 4th Ball/2005"
Note-Ack, don't hurt me! If you think Halloran's character seems a bit...Racist...I'm sorry. I apologize if it offends anyone.