Shinra Inc. and Security

By: Jason Tandro

Author's Note: So this is now an official series of mine. Shinra Inc dealing with various things. For those of you just tuning in, the story goes like so:

Shinra Goes Green

Shinra Claus (part of the story Twelve Nights)

Shinra Inc. And Global Warming

And now this installment, Shinra Inc. and Security.


The Shinra Tower was no stranger to break-ins. In the past year there had been about 37 infiltration attempts, only 2 of which were successful. However the one that occurred last night had been an attempt on President Rufus Shinra's life.

"I could have been killed!" Rufus shouted. "And where were my loyal Turks? Tseng was sitting in a sauna hitting on Scarlet and Reno, Rude and Elena were off in Sector 8 watching a play!"

"Loveless, sir, is not really a play. It's more of a theatrical experience," Tseng began.

"Oh like you'd know, you had your hand so far up Scarlet's towel you could… you know there's just no good way to finish that sentence," Rufus cursed. He returned to the matter at hand. "The guy's been executed, and thank goodness for that. But this is pathetic! We need to pick up security around here people! This is unbelievable."

Scarlet turned to Tseng. "Say, do you want to go grab a bite later?"

"I'm gonna be honest with you Scarlet. Without your dress on I thought you were Elena," Tseng explained.

"What?!" Scarlet shouted.

"Hey!" Rufus shouted. "My life, people come on! Normally you'd be spewing suggestions out of every orifice, especially you, Hojo!"

Hojo leaned back in his chair. "I'm not contributing anything to this meeting. All my ideas are mocked and ridiculed and I end up looking like some freakish science fair project gone horribly wrong. I won't have it this time."

"Oh what'll I do without your precious suggestions for mutants? Got a coffee maker that spits sulfuric acid? What about a backpack that melts into the skin? Got a crayon made of rat poison you wanna give to a baby who gave you a dirty look?!" Rufus mocked.

Hojo seemed on the brink of tears, and Scarlet had turned away from Tseng and was now staring at the table.

"I have a suggestion," Heidegger offered.

"Oh good. Let's hear it," Rufus nodded.

"Well we could double our security staff. It'd require a bigger budget, but…"

"No problem. I'm writing you a blank check. Because that's what good bosses do. Provide the necessary funding to save their own lives and screw everyone else," Rufus said glaring at Reeve.

"Why are you looking at me?" Reeve asked.

"Oh, I don't know. 'The terrorists are people too', 'we shouldn't drop the plate on the terrorists', 'Hey Rufus, let's let the terrorists go," Rufus imitated Reeve with the whiniest voice he could present. "I'm surprised you haven't joined the bloody terrorists!"

"Somebody seems a little cranky this morning," Palmer chuckled.

"What are you still doing here?" Rufus asked. "It seems like all you do is wander around the floors begging for resources. You're worse than a rat. 'Say Hojo, can you spare some machines?' 'Heidegger, you don't need ALL that money do you?' You suck!"

"Ooh, ooh, do me next!" Scarlet said laughing.

"I would, but Tseng already took care of that," Rufus chuckled. He cleared his throat and continued. "Come on people, security. What have we got?"

"I'll assign four Turks to escort you wherever you go," Tseng suggested.

"That's an idea. Any chance you could make them all really hot women. That way I won't look paranoid, I'll just look like a stud," Rufus flashed his teeth in a wide smile.

"I'll try… really," Tseng nodded as his fist clenched the end of the table.

"Okay fine!" Hojo hissed. "You want to hear my suggestion? I suggest you watch the security tapes from last night!"

"Say what now?" Rufus asked.

"According to you a man came in carrying a gun and dragging a large bomb, right?" Hojo asked.

"Yeah. The lights were off in my room and when I saw him I jumped down my emergency escape hatch and had the Turks take him out," Rufus replied.

"That was Timmy, the janitor. He was carrying a broom and a trashcan and mistook your room for the storage closet!" Hojo hissed.

"How small is your bedroom?" Scarlet asked.

"I don't like having too much space. I'm like agoraphobic or something," Rufus moaned.

"Wait, you sent the Turks in?" Heidegger asked. "That was Tseng."

"Yeah. I knew it was Timmy. But he was the bastard who tried to steal my wallet that other time," Tseng grinned.

The board room fell silent for a moment and then Rufus coughed. "Okay, well then I guess no harm, no foul."

"A man is dead!" Reeve whined.

"Reeve nobody even likes you!" Rufus cursed. "Get outta here!"

Reeve stormed out slamming the door shut behind him.

"He'll be back!" Rufus announced cockily.

"Probably not, since you told him to leave," Hojo observed.

"Come on Tseng," Scarlet pleaded. "We could be so great together."

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," Tseng retorted coolly as he excused himself.

"Uh, good meeting you all. See you next week over… something," Rufus said weakly.

The others left, except Scarlet who had her hand raised.

"What is it Scarlet?" Rufus asked.

"No, seriously, how small is your bedroom?"

"Get out!"