It was all the classic signs of aggression: he took fast, long strides, stomping heavily on his heels, his upper body leaning forward slightly and his arms held away so as to make himself appear larger than he actually was. His fists were clenched, his eyes were narrowed, his jaw was set, his brow was furrowed, and his long hair flapped behind his shoulders with each driven step he took.
"Uh oh," Pickles muttered to Murderface as they witnessed the fury passing through the living room and towards the stairs. "Skwisgaar's on the warpath."
"Whut'sh got hizsh maxshi pad in a knot thish time?" Murderface muttered, munching a knife-speared piece of leftover pizza and watching TV with the drummer.
"Dunno. Ey! Skwiss! …Skwisgaar!"
No reply. Murderface and Pickles turned their heads to look at each other before leaping up off the couch and giving chase.
"Heh heh dude. Somebody's about t' get their ass fuckin beat," Pickles chuckled in delight.
"I can't wait!" the bassist beamed gleefully. "Oh I hope it'sh that shtupid ash-hole from third floor room-keeping! He changshed the potpourri pot in the baffroom and now it shmellzsh like rainforeshts. I hate rainforeshts."
They followed the angry Swede at a safe distance and he led them right into the conference room where Nathan and Toki sat with Ofdensen, discussing last-minute details about the CD cover for the studio recording of Dungeons & Ratguts. Skwisgaar banged open the double doors and strode purposefully towards the table, grabbing a conveniently club-shaped Steinberger guitar from the wall display as he passed. Toki and Nathan stood from their chairs.
"Skwisgaar?" Toki asked. "What's are you-"
The blond interrupted, "Gets down."
Toki hit the floor, and Skwisgaar drew back the Steinberger and smashed it over Nathan's shoulder with a mighty PR-CRACK! Nathan was down, roaring like a lion. Then Skwisgaar was on top of him and trying to stab his thumbs through Nathan's windpipe. Toki yodeled a Viking war cry and scrambled over to grapple Skwisgaar about the waist. Pickles and Murderface cheered from the sidelines while Ofdensen took off his glasses and massaged his eyes in dismay. It was a typical Thursday.
"You's a fucking cock's bastard!" Skwisgaar ranted, attempting to dislodge as much of Nathan's hair as possible while Toki tried to put his gangly opponent in a full nelson. "How dares you!? Mother's pussy fucking ass dildos-sucking piece of bitch dog's shits-" Every bad English word he knew in one big run-on sentence.
Nathan, senses recovered from the initial blow, grabbed the flailing Swede by his incredibly breakable wrists and snarled, "How dare I what?"
The silence that fell right then was utterly perfect. Then Murderface started to laugh. "Hohohooooh schit. Like in the backdoor?"
"I can believe it," Pickles muttered, shaking his head. "Yep. We're Fagklok now. Change the name, Chuck. It's official."
"Charles," Ofdensen corrected, then turned his attention to the apparent lover's quarrel. "Hello? Boys? Yes? Over here, good. Can we stop behaving like children and-"
"Nathan's mades de sex wis Toki!" Skwisgaar blurted. "Toki's was nots in beds de later dat day! I talks to de room's keeping dat night afters de concert and-"
"Skwisgaar. Nobody likes a tattletale…or a sore loser. So why don't you-"
Ofdensen didn't get a chance to finish because Nathan grabbed a chunk of the guitarist's hair and started to deliver the smackdown. Toki was ranting and raving and not really being much help, and it was impossible to get a word in edgewise.
"Alright. You know what? Fuck it. Knock each other's blocks off. I'm going to lunch." Ofdensen gathered his portfolio and made for the door. "Try not to spill too much blood on the rug. They just cleaned it last week. Pickles, are you coming or not?"
The drummer rolled his eyes at the thought of missing out on the rest of the fight, but nevertheless followed Ofdensen through the doors, leaving Murderface to watch the battle unfold; after a witnessing a good 5 minutes of hair-pulling and face-slapping, he sighed and shook his head in disappointment. "Pashthetic. Thish could take forever." He walked over the small riot and just very…nonchalantly…dropped an 8-inch Bowie knife on the floor beside them. "There ya go, kidzsh. Have fun." And then he walked away.
You probably already know where this is going but I'll tell you anyway: Skwisgaar, having the advantage of being on top of Nathan, was able to wrestle one arm free, reach out and grab the knife, and in a fit of blind rage, stab it into Nathan's body. Right through the liver actually. Nathan let out a scream that made the yard wolves outside scatter into the woods like roaches, broke Skwisgaar's nose in a sucker punch, and then wrenched the knife from his torso. Blood. Went. Everywhere.
Nathan looked at the crimson river running out of his body and forming a pool on the floor, and uttered a throaty "Brutal," before passing out.
"NO! NATE'NS!" Toki watched his man fall and grabbed Skwisgaar by the collarbone. It was on now. The Swede didn't stand a chance.
"SKWISGAAAAAAAAR! JÆVLA SVENSKAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
a few days later
Skwisgaar and Nathan shared a room on the fourth floor of Saint En's hospital. The Swede was in traction and the lyrical visionary was recovering from a recent liver transplant. And the rug in the conference room was utterly ruined. Ofdensen was most displeased. It was actually sort of lucky that Nathan had been stabbed because his latest alcoholic binge had run up the mileage on his old liver and it needed to be replaced right away. He made sure to thank Skwisgaar for that, but the guitarist hadn't spoken a word to him yet. And it wasn't because he couldn't talk. He could still do that. He just couldn't go to the bathroom without professional assistance.
They sat quietly in their room and watched The Dethklok Minute on the TV in the corner. The way-too-happy host of the show was narrating, "…what is being called Dethklok's greatest album yet, Dungeons & Ratguts performed live at Mordland is on its way to triple platinum since its release at 8:00 this morning, beating Dethklok's previous record of triple platinum in ten hours with Dethwater.
"Much is to be said about the band's latest CD; aside from being an onslaught of musical masterwork, some metal mayhem reportedly took place on stage during the final song, which is being called the crown jewel of the album, A Monster Named Love. It is the first love song ever released by Dethklok and already it has risen to #1 on the charts, eclipsing every love song ever written and subsequently causing Journey fans everywhere to burn albums and adopt the ideology that love doesn't have to be for wimps and emo losers anymore. Sentimentalists have gone heavy metal, making Dethklok's fanbase increase by millions worldwide.
"The story behind A Monster Named Love is still being explored; rhythm guitarist Toki Wartooth supposedly usurped Nathan Explosion's vocals and the two dueled out a duet that still has fans rioting with excitement in the streets. Norway has declared a national day of recognition in honour of Toki's courageous achievement in the realm of music, and also in surpassing Erik the Red as the most famous Norwegian of all time. Will there be more vocals in Toki's future? That remains to be seen, but frontman Nathan Explosion was quoted as saying that he looks forward to working more closely with Toki in both personal and musical endeavours. Be sure to pick up a copy of Dungeons & Ratguts at your nearest-"
"You's a evil mother's fucker, Explosion," Skwisgaar muttered sulkily. "A evil fucking bastard."
"What're you griping about."
"Uh, let's me sees: I gots three brokens rib, a concession, a brokens collar's bone, internal bloodings and two bust knee's cap. I am outs of knee."
"Just be glad Toki didn't break all your fingers…you ungrateful shit."
"Ungratesful? Pfft. You knows what ungratesful? Dat little bitch-boy-brat, he's ungratesful. After alls I dids to helps him…" Naturally pouty lips pouted even more.
"Look. I know you two're like…whatever. Bee eff eff or something. And it's kinda sweet how you're all protective of him-"
"Fucks you, Nathan."
"-but I had sex with him first and you're just gonna have to deal with that."
Skwisgaar was quiet for a while, translating his anger into English. Then he went off like a shotgun: "I don't knows who are you thinks you's are, fuckings arounds with whosever you wants, but you doesn't fucks Toki. Toki's is not for fuckings-"
"Shut the fuck up. You goddamn hypocrite. You bang chicks by the half-dozen and get no shit from any of us, but I can't fuck my own bandmate who I actually like. That's a-"
"Ladies is different! Dey don't means anythings to me, but Tok…ngk."
Nathan smiled craftily at the unintentional slip. "Aww. Toki's real special to you, huh?"
Skwisgaar narrowed his bruised eyes and crossed his bandaged arms. "Shuts up."
"Okay. Look. If I promise not to hurt him, will you back off and leave us alone?"
"So you's two cans fucking goes at it's likes dey do on de Discovery Channel? Hells no. I'll bothers you until everything's is normal agains."
"You know, Toki can keep putting you back in the hospital. He's gonna get pissed if you don't start minding your own bee's nest, Skwisgaar."
Boo-2-tha-yah. The Swede just got pwned by his own saying. He was not happy. "I not talks to yous anymore," he muttered, slumping down in the hospital bed. "Go eats a mountains of shit and dies."
Nathan grumbled a sigh. He shouldn't give a damn but he did. Maybe he was getting soft. Or maybe he knew just a little bit about what Skwisgaar was feeling towards Toki. Because Toki grew on you whether you anti-loved him or not, and he was really hard to get over.
"You know, Skwisgaar…" Nathan climbed out of his bed and lumbered over to the Swede's. "When you stabbed me back there. That was pretty fuckin noble. Stupid…but noble."
Skwisgaar pfffted and deliberately turned his head away.
"You were looking out for Toki's own good and just…trying to protect him from me. I don't care how big of a selfish dickhead you are, that was righteous. Shows how much he means to you. He's…real lucky to have a friend like you."
"Goes to de hell, Nath-" Skwisgaar's chin was suddenly in Nathan's hand and his head was turned to the singer who…had a very strange yet vaguely familiar look in his eyes.
"Your friendship with him is the most metal thing ever," he growled softly. "I'm not gonna steal him from you, Skwisgaar. I mean…the fact that you even give a shit about another human being is…the most…god, it's…" Nathan stopped all at once. His eyes grew large. His face blanched. And he looked down to discover that he had just popped a huge boner. Skwisgaar followed his eyes and reacted with even greater horror, drawing back as far as he could with a mixture of panic and disgust making a hell of an expression on his already hellacious looking face. Then the two bandmates met each other's terrified gaze.
"Oh no," Nathan uttered. "Not this shit again."
"Yes," said the author. "The end. Thank you all."