Hiya! This is my Valentine's Day offering. :) It's not very 'valentiney' but there's kissing (smiles hopefully). Hope you like it.

Thanks: DragonDi - you wonderful woman - for the reassurance and for picking up on my wandering commas.

WARNINGS: Lots of swearing, couple of mentions of male genetalia...tame for me, actually.

Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue.

The Perfect Kiss

There are so many things that could go wrong with a kiss. Your breath could smell, their breath could smell. It could be too dry or too wet, too much tongue or not enough. Then there are the issues of teeth, and breathing and nose placement…

'Really,' Remus mused to himself as he lay on his bed after his latest disastrous date. 'It was a wonder anyone bothered.'

The seventeen-year-old sighed and rolled over, staring through the inky blackness until the shadowy outline of one of his room mate's bed came into focus.

Sirius Black's bed.

He groaned.

Sirius Black: nicknamed 'The Tongue' by the older female Hogwartians. If you listened to the gossip, and there was plenty to be had when it came to Sirius, he had a tongue that would go down in the annals of Hogwarts history as being blessed by Merlin himself, and his kisses… the stuff of dreams. His sexual prowess was legend and rumour had it that he never left a girl unsatisfied.

If Joanna Bones' expression tonight was anything to go by, Remus Lupin's kisses were going to also go down in history…as a warning to others not to make the same mistakes. Word would soon spread that snogging Remus Lupin was like wrestling with a soaking wet washcloth and he wouldn't be able to show his face in public ever again.

'I'll have to live as a hermit on the Scottish moors,' he muttered softly. 'Eating insects and crapping behind thorny bushes. My children's children won't be able to hold their heads up…'

He looked down at his groin, silently apologising in advance to any unborn mites for their lack of action in the future because of their father's notoriety as a completely useless snogger. Were such things hereditary? He swore quietly and stared at the outline of his flaccid cock. He fervently prayed that being a bad kisser wasn't something that was passed on from generation to generation, then he frowned and sat up abruptly as thought hit him.

Why was he assuming it was all his fault that kiss with Joanna was like standing under Niagara Falls? Was it really all his fault that there had been absolutely no chemistry between him and the Hufflepuff? Couldn't Joanna have been equally as responsible for what had to have been the worst kiss of this decade, if not the century? Her look of dissatisfaction suddenly rankled - no one else had ever complained about his technique…

His frown deepened. True, he didn't have a lot of experience - he'd only been out with four or five girls in his entire dating career, and he rarely saw the same girl more than once or twice, and, now that he thought about it, those fledgling relationships had ended after the first snog and the girls hadn't looked at him with desire in their eyes afterwards. It was more like…

'Shit! It was more like pity,' he realised and closed his eyes in mortification.

He was a bad kisser.

He was a really, really bad kisser.

'Oh, Merlin,' he groaned aloud. 'What do I do?'

He opened his eyes and they frantically darted about the dormitory, searching for an answer. When they fell upon a pile of books at his bedside, he smiled in relief.

Books were his friends.

Books would help him.

Then his smile faltered. Would there be any books on how to kiss in the Hogwarts library? He pictured the tight, pursed lips of Madam Pince and grimaced. Even if there were books on kissing or, if he was feeling daring, sex, he doubted he had the courage to borrow them knowing he had to hand them over to the old, sour-faced librarian to catalogue first.

No, books wouldn't be able to help him this time.

He looked over towards James Potter's bed and an idea tugged at his consciousness.

Lily Evans.

The love of James' life and Remus' best platonic female friend. Would she help him? Perhaps give him some tips or a demonstration…?

Even as the idea crossed his mind, he discounted it. If Lily didn't laugh herself stupid at him, James would, then his friend would slowly and painfully tear him from limb to limb.

A demonstration or some kind of lesson wasn't a bad idea though. But who could he ask? None of the girls he'd dated, that's for sure…

'One humiliation was more than enough,' he muttered, rubbing his thumb over his lip as he considered his options.

It had to be someone he trusted, someone who wouldn't laugh at him until they wet themselves, someone who was a good kisser themselves and didn't mind that Remus was hopeless…

'Whowhowhowho?' he chanted, head in his hands then he jolted in shock as a disembodied voice floated across the room to him.

'Moony, for the love of Merlin's swinging dick, will you please go to sleep?'

He peered through the darkness and saw the outline of someone sitting up in bed and, even in the dark, he could feel grey eyes burning a hole into him.

'Sorry, Padfoot,' he whispered. 'I'll shut up now.'

There was a grunt and the shadow lay down with a rustle of bedclothes. 'You do that.'

Remus flopped down onto his mattress with a huff and stared unseeingly up at the scarlet canopy. He was silently making a list of all the girls he knew who might help him (it was a short list) when he heard a muffled groan from Sirius' bed then the quiet slapping of bare feet on hard stone floor. Remus turned his head to see Sirius glaring at him as he came into focus then the brunette plopped himself down heavily next to Remus.

'Alright, Moony. I'm awake now. Tell me what the hell you were muttering about at midnight on a school night.'

Remus bristled at the put upon tone. 'You know, you are far louder than I am when you arrive back after a date…'

'Do you want to talk, or do I get to go back to bed knowing that there is nothing bothering you, and that you are going to be alert enough to take notes in Charms for me tomorrow?'

Remus frowned - both at the assumption that he would just hand over his notes and the fact that Sirius knew he'd lie awake stewing in his own juices all night if he didn't talk about his problem.

'You know me too well,' he grumbled and Sirius snorted, shoving at Remus until the werewolf shuffled over then he crawled under the covers and lay down next to him.

A wave of Sirius' wand made the curtains close and another swish cut off the sonorous snores of Peter and the whistling breaths that James emitted in his deepest sleep. The thick, unnatural silence of the spell pressed down on them as Sirius waited for Remus to speak.


Sirius rolled onto his side, propping his head up on his hand and staring down at the werewolf. 'You had a date tonight…' he prompted and Remus nodded in confirmation.

'With Joanna Bones.'

Sirius looked thoughtful. 'Really? Mmm, she's a bit thick but a nice looking bird. So what's with all the mumbling? Didn't it go well?'

Remus sighed and closed his eyes. 'No.'


'No. It was a disaster.'

Sirius chuckled. 'A disaster like James' hair is a disaster?'

'A disaster like the sinking of the Titanic is a disaster, Padfoot.'


'The Titanic? Big ship that hit an iceberg?' Sirius still had a blank expression on his face and Remus shook his head despairingly. 'Do you listen in any of your classes? We covered it in Muggle Studies.'

Sirius waved a hand. 'I only took that to piss Mother off; I didn't actually listen. Anyway, so the date was a nightmare. Did she want to talk about feelings? Did she cry? Gods, did she not want to put out?'

'It was a first date, Sirius.'


Remus almost growled in frustration. He couldn't get a decent kiss on the first date and Sirius was getting laid? Life really was completely unfair.


He bit his lip, trying to think of a way of wording his problem so he wasn't entirely humiliated. Sirius stared quizzically at him then grinned, arching an eyebrow in a way that all the girls went faint over and that Remus had tried and failed to emulate.

'Do you have blue balls, Moony? Am I safe in bed with you?' He lifted the sheets as if he were about to get out and Remus slapped him across the chest.

'Oh stop it. That kiss didn't last long enough to turn anything blue and, frankly, was so bad I doubt I'll ever get a hard on again.'

'Shit, that bad?'


There were several moments of silence as Sirius digested this then he asked with remarkable intuitiveness, 'Was that her fault or yours?'

Remus could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks, and he fervently thanked Merlin and his swinging dick for the darkness … until Sirius lit his wand and pointed it directly at the brown-haired boy's face. Remus, nearly blinded by the light, caught a flash of the brunette's grin before he slapped the wand away and the light faded.

'Your fault, huh?'

'Shut up, Padfoot.'

Spots danced across Remus' visage and he blinked as he tried to get rid of them. Bloody Sirius. The other boy seemed to be getting too much amusement out of Remus' predicament.

'I would have thought a sensitive bloke like you would know all about what girls need, Moony.'

'Padfoot, kindly go fuck yourself.'

Sirius let out a bark of laughter that made Remus grateful for the Silencing Spell. 'If I could do that, I wouldn't need any of the bints here.' He sat up, lighting his wand again with a whispered 'Lumos' but pointed it at the curtain so a soft light fell across his and Remus' faces.

'You're really worried about this, aren't you? You wouldn't be up talking to yourself on a school night if you weren't.'

Remus sat up as well, his shoulders slumped. This was embarrassing, but maybe Sirius could tell him what he's doing wrong.

'I've never kissed a girl more than a couple of times,' he admitted. 'I thought it was just because I haven't really had any chemistry with any of them, but…' He sighed. 'I don't know what I'm doing wrong, Pads.'

Sirius patted his knee, obviously having decided to be supportive tonight and save the teasing for the light of day.

'You probably just need more practice, Moony.'

Remus huffed in frustration. 'And how am I supposed to get practice, Padfoot, when all the girls start to refuse to date me because I'm a shite kisser?'

Sirius gnawed at his bottom lip as his cheeks coloured. 'Do you swear not to tell anyone about this conversation?' he asked eventually, staring intently at a taken aback Remus.

'You think this is a conversation I'm going to admit to having?' he asked incredulously.

Sirius stared at him suspiciously for a moment then said, 'Your hand.'

'What about it?'

'Practice on it.'

Remus blinked then realised Sirius must be taking the piss. 'Oh, very funny, Padfoot. Make fun of me then…'

'I'm not. How do you think I learnt? I wasn't born with natural talent you know.'

Remus was startled. He'd never wondered how Sirius leant to kiss - just assumed he was born with the innate ability and had never had to work at it…like every bloody thing else he did.

'I…have practiced on my hand,' he admitted, no longer embarrassed about the admissions since Sirius was confiding in him as well. 'I didn't think I was that bad.'

Sirius cocked his head curiously. 'What was so bad about it?'

Remus thought. 'It was…wet. Really wet and, well, pretty disgusting to be honest.'

'Mmm, you know Moony has saliva issues. Perhaps you share that trait…'

'Fuck off, Padfoot…'

Sirius chuckled and stroked his chin. 'Did you use your tongue?'

'Not really…only a little but it was just…'

'Too sloppy?'

'I'm going to eat you at the next full moon.'

Sirius laughed and slung his arm around Remus' neck, pulling him into a side-on hug. 'Come now, Remus. You shouldn't issue death threats to your love guru.'

'My what now?'

'Love guru. Kissing instructor. Snogging mentor.'

'Oh, for the love of Merlin.'

'Not Merlin, Remus. He's no good to you now. Pledging your love to me, however, gets you some invaluable kissing tips.'

'Gods, why does this feel as though I'm selling my soul to the devil?'

Sirius shrugged, his shoulder smacking Remus in the chin. 'I didn't come here to be insulted, Moony. If you don't think you need my help…' He released Remus and swung his legs over the bed.

'Fine! What do you want me to do - swear a blood oath or something making me your slave for life?'

Sirius chuckled. 'That won't be necessary, Moony. Just a promise that you will do my homework for…oh, say…the next week.'

'Padfoot, it's NEWT level work!'

'You want to get laid before you're too old to get it up, don't you?'

Remus growled low in his throat before spitting out a 'Fine!'

Sirius beamed and clapped him on the shoulder as he slid back under the covers. 'Right, old chap! Let's get some of the basics down then. First, don't growl like you just did at any girls. They won't find it as much of a turn on as I do.'

Remus blinked several times trying to work out if Sirius was…well…serious but when the brunette continued talking without a hesitation, Remus decided it must have been a joke and concentrated on what the other boy was saying.

'Lips should be moist, but not wet, right? Just enough so kissing your chapped lips isn't like snogging a porcupine.'

Remus scowled at his friend. 'My lips aren't wet,' he insisted and Sirius looked doubtful.

'Show me.'


'Show me how you wet your lips before a kiss.'

Remus opened his mouth to object then caught sight of Sirius' 'don't fuck with me' expression and sighed before sliding his tongue over his lips.

Sirius made a sound like a frog that had been stepped on and Remus frowned. 'What?'

'Well, you looked a little reptilian…'


'Do it like this.'

Sirius' eyes focused on Remus', making the werewolf's stream of curses die on his lips. He stared, mesmerised, as the tip of Sirius' pink tongue darted out of his mouth and licked quickly but - Remus had to admit - sensually at his lips.

Remus was surprised to find that his cheeks were heating up and his chest felt tight. Blinking, he looked away, staring down at his sheets and marvelling at Sirius' seductive powers.

With one lick of his lips, he almost had me snogging him. If he can do that to a straight guy, those poor girls don't stand a chance.


He looked up and nodded. 'Got it. Less…licking. Next?'

Sirius looked at him closely and Remus squirmed under the scrutiny, knowing Sirius was almost intrusively attuned to his emotions. The brunette always seemed to know when Remus was upset or angry or happy - even if Remus was trying to hide it. He was the only person who could see straight through the barriers Remus put up around himself and sometimes, like now, it disconcerted Remus horribly.

'Next you lean in, making sure you do the leading, Moony. You tilt your head first and your date will automatically do the opposite so you fit together better - no more broken noses.'

'Cassie's nose wasn't broken! We just clashed heads…'

'When your date walks away bleeding, Remus, broken or not broken is a mere technicality.'

Remus crossed his arms over his chest and tightened his lips, holding back a retort. Sirius, quite aware of the other boy's frustration, grinned.

'Left or right, Moony?'

When Remus frowned, perplexed, Sirius sighed heavily. 'Do you lean left or right when you kiss?'

Remus thought… 'Er, left?'

'Are you asking me or telling me?' Sirius asked, then turned so he was sitting cross-legged in front of Remus. 'Pretend I'm your date. Lean in.'

Remus was too curious to argue and let himself move forward, surprised when his head seemed to cant automatically to the right. He was even more surprised when, at the same time, Sirius' head leaned to his right.

'You lean right as well,' he said, but it took Sirius a moment to answer him, his eyes a little unfocused when he did.

'What? Ah, yeah. I s'pose.' His forehead creased and he was looking at Remus oddly - like he'd never seen him before - then he cleared his throat and sat up straight.

'Er, right. Is that enough or…?'

'Padfoot, if you expect me to do your homework for a solid week, you'd better do something to earn my sufferance.'

Sirius sighed a put upon sigh then ticked off points on his fingers as he spoke. 'Right. Moist lips, right angle…Okay - time for mouths to meet. How are you doing in that department?'

Remus gritted his teeth. 'If I knew that, Padfoot, I wouldn't be rehashing my most embarrassing moments with you when we have Double Transfiguration in less than eight hours.'

'I'm trying to help you Moony.'

Remus exhaled a long, slow breath. 'I know you are, Pads. I'm sorry. I'm just…frustrated, I guess. This is…hard to talk about.'

Sirius reached out and put his hand on Remus' knee, giving the bony joint a squeeze. 'It's only me, Remus,' he said in a surprisingly gentle voice. 'Just me.'

Remus smiled a grateful, close-mouthed smile then confessed, 'I don't even know if it's the kiss itself that's bad, or if it's that there are just no…'


Remus nodded. 'Yeah. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe I'm looking for … the perfect kiss…but I've been searching for it with the wrong people.'

'You think that there's one right person out there that you'll kiss and suddenly fireworks will go off and everything will just…be right?' Sirius asked doubtfully.

Remus narrowed his eyes at him. 'I know it sounds really corny and girly but…I hope so.'

Sirius studied him and after several moments whispered, 'I hope so too.'

Remus had spent many hours with Sirius and the other boy had never allowed the werewolf to see him as vulnerable as he had just now. The sadness and longing Remus had glimpsed for one brief moment in Sirius' eyes made him want to wrap his arms around his friend. Instead, he frantically searched for a change of subject, not sure he was entirely comfortable all of a sudden. The air in their little cocoon seemed to be thicker and a strange, anticipatory tension pressed down on them. Remus, in an attempt to break the intensity, blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

'Who was the best kiss you've ever had?'

Sirius' eyes widened and the corner of his mouth turned up. 'I…I'm not sure you want to know, Remus.'

The werewolf grinned, grateful the atmosphere seemed to be lightening and now curious as to what Sirius was hiding.

'I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know,' he retorted.

Sirius scrutinised him for a moment longer than said, 'Gideon Prewett.'

Remus thought Sirius was joking and was about to laugh when he caught sight of that same insecurity that had shown itself earlier.

Sirius wasn't joking.

'Gideon…oh.' Remus tried to think of something supportive to say but instead, what spilled from his lips was...

'Fabian's better looking.'

Sirius stared at him in disbelief for long seconds then a smile slowly spread across his face. 'He is,' he agreed, voice cracking a little. He cleared his throat. 'But he's straight.'

The words slipped out before Remus could stop them. 'Are you?'

Sirius' smile faded and he drew in a long breath. 'I'm…not sure. I never thought I'd be interested in guys, but in Fifth Year, Gideon…'

He flushed as a reminiscent little smile played about his lips and Remus felt an irrational jealousy that that smile belonged to Gideon.

'He caught me unawares and I was curious and…' Sirius shrugged. 'Turns out I like kissing boys as much as I like kissing girls. Am I required to label myself?'

Remus shook his head quickly. 'No…I just…never thought that you of all people…'

'It's not all that different, you know. Kissing a bloke. It's all the same lips and mouth and tongue whether it's attached to a cunt or cock.'

Remus automatically muttered an admonishment for the profanity but his heart wasn't in it. Sirius' best kiss had been with another guy. Maybe he should try…

He wasn't sure he liked where his thoughts were going and tried to shove them aside but Sirius, in a psychic moment that would have made the Divination professor proud, seemed to know exactly where his mind was taking him and smiled a smile that promised nothing but trouble for Remus.

'Perhaps you are kissing the wrong people, Moony.'

Remus swallowed hard then his eyes widened as Sirius leaned forward until their noses were almost touching.

'Lick your lips like I showed you,' Sirius whispered, his eyes catching and holding Remus' orbs.

The brown-haired teenager was too startled to argue, tongue slipping out from between his lips to do exactly what Sirius asked.

'Now tilt your head…'

Remus' eyes twitched but he didn't break the contact, instead tipping his head to the right. Sirius did the same and Remus finally found his voice.


The pathetic sibilant hiss of protest came too late. Sirius' mouth was brushing lightly against his and Remus' body jerked as the chemical reaction, the sparks and fire he'd been waiting for, exploded inside him. He whimpered as his entire body trembled and went as limp as cooked noodles - with one notable exception.

He's a boy, he's a boy, he's a boy

But it seemed his body couldn't have given a Niffler's backside if Sirius was a girl, a boy or a Hippogriff. Every nerve ending was on high alert, his skin prickled as alternating hot and cold waves of lust washed over him and he was as hard as a rock - he could cut fucking diamonds with the damn thing.

And Sirius hadn't even kissed him properly yet.

He didn't know if he wanted Sirius to go any further; even though he'd finally gotten the reaction he'd been wanting from a kiss, it had come from the last person he'd ever expected it to. But the choice was taken out of his hands as Sirius, who had paused a moment to ensure that Remus' whimpers were desperate sounds of need rather than of revulsion, pressed his lips firmly to Remus'.

The werewolf forgot to breathe as Sirius' lips parted slightly, catching his bottom lip and sucking lightly. He made a choking noise as he instinctively responded, spearing his tongue into Sirius' mouth. The brunette pulled back, glaring a little at Remus as he wiped his chin.

'Remus,' he said, his voice hoarse and deeper than Remus had ever heard it before. 'Let me show you. I want to show you.'

Remus, face colouring, nodded and Sirius' lips curled up at the corners before he captured Remus' mouth with his own once more. His lips were insistent, drawing Remus into the kiss and demanding an equal response. Sirius was a good teacher - pushing him when his reaction was inadequate, pulling him back when he became too enthusiastic, all the while encouraging him with soft moans and mumbled affirmations. His tongue flicked at Remus' lips then slid slowly into his mouth, and this time, Remus paid close attention, copying Sirius' actions until they were both struggling for breath and pulled apart, panting heavily.

'Well,' puffed Sirius, face flushed and eyes hooded. 'That was good…you did very…oh, fuck it!'

He reached out, sliding his hand around the back of Remus neck and pulling the werewolf back to him, crashing their lips together clumsily. This kiss had a lot less finesse than the first: it was rough and hungry and like nothing Remus had ever experienced. This kiss wasn't just a meeting of mouths, a stroking of tongues and clicking of teeth…he felt this kiss in every single molecule of his being and he was on fire with…he didn't even know how to describe the whirlwind inside him… Need? Desire? Raw lust? All he had time to think before his mind went utterly blank, was that he'd waited years for the one person who'd make him feel like this…and he had been right in front of him the entire time.

Sirius' fingers were tangled in the hair his mother kept telling him to cut and somehow, Remus' own hands had shifted without his permission and were now cupping Sirius' stubble-roughened jaw. With an almost agonised groan, Sirius shifted and Remus panicked that the kiss was going to end. But instead of pulling away, Sirius straddled his lap, allowing them to touch from thigh to mouth and Remus almost came in his pyjama pants when he felt Sirius' erection poke into his stomach. He threw caution to the wind and wrapped his arms around the brunette and fell back onto the mattress. Their noses banged together and they broke apart, both rubbing at their faces.

'S…sorry…' Remus managed to mumble, but Sirius just shook his head, eyes wide and glassy and dark as he stared down at Remus.

'S'alright. Do…should we…um…?'

Remus had two choices: he could listen to what his half-conscious brain was telling him to do and push Sirius off him, thank him for his assistance and remind him that he was straight and wank himself raw, thinking about girls, before he went to sleep. Or, he could do what the rest of his body was screaming at him to do and shove his hands into that tousled ebony hair and kiss and touch Sirius until they both came and think about what the hell this all meant in the morning.

Who was he kidding? There was never really a choice…

He tentatively stretched out a hand, touching Sirius' cheek lightly, uncertainly. Sirius exhaled a long, slow breath and his eyelids fluttered shut as he leaned into the touch. Remus' own breath caught in his throat -- Sweet Circe, how he had not noticed how completely beautiful Sirius was before?


'Sirius.' Remus frowned as Sirius' eyes opened and stared down at him. 'When I dream about this, you call me Sirius, not Padfoot.'

Remus could feel his body shaking, could see the hand cupping Sirius' face trembling almost violently. That vulnerability has crept back into Sirius' face and Remus understood that his friend had just handed him power that few had ever held -- the power to hurt Sirius Black very badly.

'You never…you didn't tell me that you…'

Sirius just shook his head silently. When Remus didn't say anything else, a pained expression crept over Sirius' face and he moved off the werewolf's lap. Remus' arm shot out, stopping him from climbing off the bed. He didn't know what the hell was going on here, but he knew he'd regret it if he let Sirius walk away.

'Stay. Sirius… stay.'

Sirius looked disbelieving and he whispered, 'Are you sure?'

Remus nodded and smiled a little awkwardly. 'That…' He took a deep breath - was he really doing this? '…that was what I'd been searching for; that was…the perfect kiss.'

A slow smile spread across Sirius' face then he almost threw himself at Remus, kissing him hard and fast, the momentum sending them tumbling back onto the mattress.

'Remus…' Sirius mumbled between licks and nips of the werewolf's equally as busy lips. 'You are a really quick learner.'

Remus mumbled something incoherent, far more interested in sliding his hands under Sirius' pyjama shirt and seeing how the other boy would react. The sharp intake of breath made Remus smirk against Sirius' mouth and the Animagus pulled back, grinning mischievously down at his friend.

'I think you're ready to find out what happens after the kiss, Moony.' He rolled his hips against Remus', erections grinding together deliciously, and Remus groaned, reaching up and tangling his hands into Sirius' hair.

'Well, who am I to argue with my love guru?' he murmured before pulling Sirius down into another kiss.

And there it is! :) Happy Valentine's Day! Send me love in a review?