A Complete Heart
My brother was gone; he said that he would go buy some food for the week.
I lay down on the bed and sighed, it had been a quite a week. In the last week, I saved Lior from an army of living armors, transferred part of my soul to an armor on another world and found my lost brother, transmuted Wrath to open a portal, saved Central from unknown aircraft and finally, crossed to the Other Side…leaving Amestris forever.
My eyes watered a little, I sure felt some pressure in my chest then, but I couldn't help it. I knew that I wouldn't go back when I jumped into Brother's rocket; still, I wonder if I did the right thing. I just…can't decide. I was so overcame by emotion that I didn't think what I was doing until I did it.
I acted so…Ed-like.
I turned around, my back up, letting my head relax over the pillow. I have done a great sacrifice, leaving home and friends behind forever. I thought of Winry and Granny, and I felt the tears run down from my eyes. I miss them so much. I thought that I would be happy of seeing Brother again (I don't say I'm not), but…was this sacrifice worth?
I'm not sobbing, just crying a little. Was it Equivalent Exchange? A life with my brother rather than a life with everyone else I love? Being with one person rather than much more. The Gate sure doesn't know anything about life at all.
Now I realized something…I would never visit Mom's and Teacher's graves again, I couldn't even say good bye. I couldn't tell them how much I need them, how much I miss them. And Winry…I could not give my farewells to her either.
I still don't know what made me jump to the ship. I'll have to live without seeing their faces again, nor saying how much I love them and how much I will miss them. Not hugging them, not kissing them, and not having them there with me to easy my uneasy heart.
Now I admit it, I'm sobbing.
It hurts too much; I'm having a hard time breathing. Sometimes it happens when I'm real sad. When my heart really aches. Now I remember, heartache is the only thing I could feel back then, when I was trapped inside a suit of armor.
I couldn't sleep, eat, smell, feel. I had lost it all. I remember the lonely nights I would watch the sky all night long, wondering about my existence. I felt hollow, incomplete. My entire body was lost, and my soul was slowly loosing itself. I thought that I would die out of sorrow.
But then, I had my brother.
Edward encouraged me to keep going, to endure the hollowness until we found the Stone. I knew he felt guilty, he felt like he should be in my place, that's why he kept encouraging me, looking out for me, looking for the Stone.
And even though I couldn't feel, even though I was incomplete. I still had Edward. Edward made me feel like even though I was incomplete, I was the most precious thing in the universe. I could talk to him, ask him for advice, and let my heart out on him. Even though I couldn't sleep, sometimes he would talk to me rather than sleep, so I could spend some nights without the feeling of loneliness. He would hug me even when I couldn't feel it. He would be there to hold my hand.
In a small way, he filled the gap in my existence.
I needed him, I've always needed him. He was my best friend, simply my older brother.
And now, thinking about it, I was still incomplete even when I got my body back. Sure, I lost my memories, but I was flesh and bones. I could smell the air, feel the grass, sleep and taste the most delicious food.
But I had no brother.
He was gone, sacrificed himself for me. And now that I have my memories back, I realized that those two years without him were just as those four years in a suit of armor. My brother was the reason of my happiness when I was a shell of metal, and even with my body back, without him I was still incomplete.
Because I needed him.
Because I loved him.
I laughed and enjoyed life, but I still felt hollow without my brother. Now I remember why I jumped to the ship, because I'd rather leave my home than leave my brother. Because my home IS my brother, Edward.
I looked for him, and found him. Now that I am with him, I feel whole again. I just realized how much I missed him, how much I needed him. My dependence to him was so strong, that it felt the same having a real body without him, that being a living armor with him.
I was incomplete, either my body or my brother.
I needed my brother as much as my body; actually, I need him more.
How could I? How could I doubt? How could I ever think that I would have rather stayed in Amestris than live with my brother? Okay, now I'm really sobbing. My hearts is aching more, and it's not because I left my friends behind…it's because I doubted of my love for my brother.
"Al? Al, what's wrong?"
I blinked and lifted my head, I saw Ed looking at me with such look on his eyes that it hurt. Ed's eyes were full of worry, and it made me felt guiltier. I could see how much my brother missed me to, and here I am…considering such a filthy thing as the wish to have stayed back home. Away from Ed.
Before I realized, Ed was sitting over the bed, besides me. He slowly leaned down and wrapped my body inside his arms, in a tight embrace. He is so warm, his heartbeat is so comforting. Even though I can't see, I can feel him smiling comfortingly at me.
"Come on Al; tell big brother what's wrong."
Before I realized, I had wrapped my arms around him as well, and cried hard as I buried myself into his shirt, wetting it. "I…I'm sorry Brother…"
"Sorry for what Al?", he asked me slightly puzzled, "What did you did wrong?"
"I…", I couldn't speak, I was afraid I would hurt him with my words. "For a moment…I thought I would have rather stayed home than come to this world with you."
Ed relaxed, I could see. His fingers began to play with my hair, rubbing it soothingly. "Oh Al, there is nothing to be sorry about. It's natural you feel a little lost in here. But…can I ask you something?"
I cowered a little before nodding with my head.
Ed sighed; I could feel him tense a little bit again. "Would you have rather stayed home?"
"No.", the word came from my mouth before I could process the question in my head. "I can't live without you, I'd feel hollow. I want to stay with you…no matter what."
My brother patted my back and began cradling me, I still don't know why I'm making such a big drama out of this, but I can't stop. I guess I've wanted to release these tears for a couple of days now. I hugged him tighter.
"Then there is no reason to cry at all.", he said, wanting me to feel better, and he was making his wish a reality. "It's okay little brother, I'm here. We'll never be apart. Not again. I'll never leave you, I love you… Alphonse."
I nodded, I didn't need to say anything, Edward knew that I loved him as much as he did loved me. We stayed there, in a tight embrace, rubbing each other's back soothingly. And it was clear to me now.
I am complete again.
But if he ever asks me again, I have an answer already. I would rather live as a suit of armor with my brother, than live as a human being without my brother.
We're just too close. We need each other, because our bond is unbreakable. My heart is complete at last.