This story is rated M, 16+, and not without reason. It contains angst, hardcore angst, violence, swearing and suicide. If you can't handle this, then I recommend you to go back. Also, if you're coming for a happy story, having read my other stories, you'll get disappointed. So just turn back or change your expectations. This story isn't in tune with any of my other work, so it's not a sequel or prequel of any kind. You have been warned, so don't come complaining. I will not take responsibility if you ignore this warning.
Well, after having said all of that, good luck reading =)


DISCLAIMER: I don't own His Dark Materials. Still don't.
Lyra…
Lyra…
The girl heard in her sleep, in her dreams. She replied to it.
Will…
She replied in her dreams. In her mind, the picture of Will became clearer and clearer. Until finally, his body was visible. She ran to him and fell in his arms. He started a dialogue.
"Lyra!"
"Will!"
"I missed you so much…"
"So did I. But everything's ok. We're together now."

Wills facial expression wasn't happy anymore. It was angry now
. He glared at her.
"No, it's not ok." She looked up to him.
Not again…, she thought. She knew where this was heading.
"It's your fault! It's all your fault!" Will shouted at her and unravelled himself from Lyra's arms, who desperately tried to hug him again, but without result. "We can't be together! It's your fault! Your fault I wasted my life!"
"That's not true and you…" Will laughed maniacally, interrupting her.
"It is. You know that. I hate you, you bitch!"
"That's not true… you love me…" Tears were welling up in the corners of her eyes. Will laughed again.

"I used to! But not anymore!" His mouth was shaped like a grin and his eyes were like those of a crazy man as he still looked at her.
"And do you know why? It's all your fault!" Lyra shook her head in confusion.
"That is not…"
"It IS! Because of you, I live my own life apart from you! You didn't want to open a window! YOU didn't want to come to my world!" Lyra shook her head, shouting she didn't, still crying.

"It's all your fault! I don't love you! I HATE you!" Lyra shook her head, crying. But, she had her defence.
"If you don't… love me… then…" Lyra said in between her sobs, "I won't… come to… the Botanic… Garden…" Will laughed maniacally once more.

"Do you believe that? I don't. You'll just come like someone who is hopelessly in love! You love me and you know it!" She shook her head, crying, knowing he was right.
"You love me! But I don't love you! Not anymore!" Suddenly, a man out of nowhere appeared. Lyra recognized him as her current lover.

"See him? You already forgot me, you whore! I hate you! He's nothing compared to me! He doesn't love you like I did!" More maniacal laughs from him. "You will never find true love! I hate you! I hate you!" Will grabbed a knife out of nowhere and placed it on his wrist, still shouting those three words. He stopped shouting and said to her: "This is what YOU did!" He cut his own wrist while reverting back to shouting "I hate you". Her lover suddenly repeated exactly what Will said, emphasising each word.

"I hate you! I hate you! I hate…" Slowly, the shouts were dying away as she opened her eyes, away from the dream, back awake again. She noticed the corners of her eyes were filled with tears. She just collapsed, crying loudly, awaking her lover, who slept in the same bed.
"Lyra? Is everything…"
"No, it's not ok, Mondar!" Mondar was her lover's name. They met one month ago and it was love at first sight for him. For her, it was something like that, but nothing compared to Will. His dæmon was a moth.
His love was dying away slowly, however, because of the dreams she had about once or twice a week.

"Is it him again?"
"Yes!" She cried and shouted at him in angriness.
"You're nothing compared to him! You're nothing!" Mondar looked at her.
"I'm not allowing someone else to call me nothing!" He grabbed his gear. "Goodbye, Lyra! I'm breaking up with you!"
"FINE!"

It was how they always reacted. All of her lovers. At first, they were understanding. A shoulder to cry on. The second phase was wondering if it was their fault and the third phase was realizing they got the wrong girl. It usually took three months, Mondar was a fast one.
He grabbed his gear and left the house in his pyjamas. But Lyra didn't care about him, not anymore.
The dreams had started one year after she parted with Will. They were nice and sweet at first, with Will in her arms telling her it would all be all right, they would meet in the afterlife and they would never part again.

But they had started to become worse when she got her first love after Will. The first dream about him was that Will didn't mind, they made a promise. But slowly, the dreams worsened until Will was, in her dreams, a maniacal, crazy enemy.
Her first love after Will had enough of her moods eventually and left her. From there, her loves never lasted long.

"You will never find true love!" She recalled Will calling it and her tears returned.
But she would, indeed, go to the Botanic Garden anyway. Even though it was thirty years ago since she last saw him. Will wasn't responsible for what he did to her in her dreams.


It was Midsummer's Day, eleven o'clock in the morning.
Finally, she came. She left her house, still half in tears about her dream, and about Mondar, the next one who left.
She trudged towards the Botanic Garden, followed by Pantalaimon.

"He'll be there, right?" She asked him. He nodded.
"I'm sure of it." She walked to the Botanic Garden. She hadn't been there for a year.
But she couldn't enter it.

A big fence surrounded the Botanic Garden, unable for anyone to enter. She walked around it, desperate to find an entrance. But she found something terrible instead.
One big sign.
"This is a building project of the city of Oxford. The Botanic Garden will be destroyed. Instead…"

She didn't read the rest of it. She just collapsed. She cried.
She now knew it would never stop. Her life was one big waste. Will and the Botanic Garden was all she had left.
And now, even that was taken away.
Lyra stood there, crying against the fence, crying as loudly as a human can do, drawing a lot of attention to herself. Until, at last, Pantalaimon said something.

"Lyra… it's…" Lyra nodded but didn't stop crying.
"My whole life… our entire life… it's one big… waste…" She said in between the sobs, just like she did in her dream.
Her whole life was one entire nightmare. One she could never awake from.
Or could she?
Perhaps there was a way out.


Oxford Everyday, 22nd of July

A body has been found at the bottom of the Jordan's College. Students and teachers recognized her as Lyra Belacqua. She was well known for her alethiometer-reading, but she never seemed happy. Doctors say she jumped off the building at Midsummer's Day. She had her arms that way it seemed she was holding on to something, possibly her dæmon, Pantalaimon.

She was seen Midsummer's Day at the Botanic Garden, crying. It is unknown why miss Belacqua took this step.

International News


Very near and yet very far, Will held his story like he did every year. He didn't know what happened. He would never know in his lifetime.
This meant Lyra had to wait a very long time.
I told you, it wasn't going to be happy. I hope I did well, don't hesitate to review, but remember; it is my very first angst story and it's probably not that good. Thanks in advance!