I don't know why I'm writing in one, maybe just to save my sanity. Unless I've already lost that too… Maybe I'm just writing to get everything onto paper, to reread it and make sure my life isn't as twisted and convulsed as it seems. Well, not much time to write, so I'll explain the beginning (this is probably going to be the most boring part of the story, so feel free to skip ahead), I don't have a life, or at least, I didn't have a life, ever since I switched schools, things have been changing, fast. In my old school, people there hated me, probably cause I yelled out random curses in math class, and wouldn't dress the best either. My grades were down to the following:

Math- F

Science- D

English- F

Social Studies- F

Gym - D+

Sooo, yeaah… I mean, I did have friends, who tried to help with my grades, but once the finals came around, I was on my own, apparently they said I wasn't, 'trying hard enough' but I was, I really was! If it hadn't been for my switching schools, I'd probably have been left back another grade (I was left back in 2nd grade). So during summer vacation my mom had me transferred to a new school. It's for kids who have anger issues or problems with paying attention, like serious ones (like me). Here, I feel accepted, I'm actually part of the popular group, and I have, well had, a boy friend. That's the issue… My boy friend… He's about two years old than me, 17. At the beginning I really thought we loved each other, but then things started happening. To start with, he also asked me if he could eat out with me (not the kind with Chinese food involved). Every time this happened I'd just laugh nervously and say,

"no way man." I knew he was serious, and that's what scared me… About two weeks ago, though, it happened. I was crashing at his, all splayed across his couch, sitting on his lap, watching TV, sipping coke from the can. His parents were out of the house, his dad at 'work' and his mom out at the grocery's or something. Then, a commercial flashed on the screen about Gieco or something, the green lizard saying something that I thought was total crap (can't remember it now though) but I guess was supposed to be catchy. My bf then squeezed my hips and said coolly,

"Wanna do it?" Shit, I didn't get how he could say it without looking away embarrassed, well he must have practice cause I heard rumors that he'd did it with another girl in my school before we started going out. I of course blushed and was the one to look away. I didn't want to say no, because he always gave me that puppy dog look that drew me in,

"Urrr, not-" I turned around to face him, his eyes grew big, he cocked his head to one side,

"Awww, come one." I didn't know what to say. One side of me (hormone side) egged me on, but my self conscious side told me no, it was sick, I'm only fifteen, but what could I say? I loved him and I didn't want to loose him. He didn't wait for my reply and lunged for my mouth. Everything seemed to crack in my head, what was going on? I didn't give him the o.k.!? But… I don't want him to think I'm a prude or anything… In that next 10, I was no longer myself, I was converted to a non virgin, my life seemed to freeze, I wasn't all there when it was happening, no condom was used…