I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related.


Two years ago…

Professor: Hey sir! Have you heard of this new series called 'Heroes'? They're calling it the new 'Lost'!

Commentator: The new 'Lost', you say? But the old 'Lost' hasn't even finished yet! What's it about?

Professor: It's about a group of once ordinary people who discover that they have super powers and that they're crucial in saving the world from the Apocalypse.

Commentator: Sounds like a cross between 'X-Men' and '4400'. Who's in it?

Professor: Well let's see. (Looks at list in hand) There's the son of Rocky Balboa, that main guy in 'Mysterious Ways,' a CIA agent, the girl who manipulated Malcolm in the middle and his brother Reese into thinking each other was gay, an initiative soldier turned Frankenstein monster, Octavian, a DOE specialist, the woman from 'House on Haunted Hill' who pretends to be rich, a woman with previous roles too obscure to be worth mentioning, the son of a gay couple who got hit by a baseball, and a CGI specialist.

Commentator: I know nothing of that movie.

Professor: No, seriously, he worked at Lucasfilm and was responsible for helping produce the prequel trilogy and CGI water.

Commentator: Oh right! Well, that's a very exhaustive list. No wonder they're calling it the new 'Lost'!

Professor: So, interested?

Commentator: Eh, I don't know, Professor. I've kinda gone off watching any Sci-fi or fantasy series.

Professor: -Huh? Why?

Commentator: Well, every writer or creator is under the false belief that just because it's a series that deals with the unreal, that the viewers will just ignore all defiants of logic or common sense! I mean what they don't seem to get through their heads is that just because people suspend belief in magic, superpowers, aliens and high tech, it doesn't mean they'll suspend belief in things like time paradoxes, or genetic memory, or minors living without guardians or any supervision or rewriting of character background or anything that contradicts what previously happened in the series!

Professor: (Oh no. I've sent him on a rant)

Commentator: I mean they all start off fine, with a set of rules and a logical framework established, which is the only way that most fans will take a series seriously, and they're at the peak of their popularity. As time passes though, they'll rewrite characters, suspend all laws of physics, discard away the logical framework that gave their fantastical world substance, ignore previous happenings in the series, and expect the viewers to have the memory of goldfish, all for the sake of higher ratings and 'dramatic effect'! Next thing you know, one of the greatest series ever produced has degenerated into a low rated pile of goop…which makes it fertile ground for commentating, let's go check it out!

Professor: (Groan) Can't you just watch something without commentating on it all the time?

Commentator: You might as well expect certain breeds of nerd not to criticise every single second of whatever series they're watching! Professor! Get me the coordinates for Heroes!

Professor: You know, I was thinking that we could just watch it on the telly-

Commentator: NO! I must personally enter the world! And where are those coordinates?

Professor: (Sigh) Why can't we just watch something or read something behind a screen or paper for once like normal people?

Commentator: Aww, cos that's no fun! You know that in 'Star Trek' television went obsolete because interactive entertainment superseded it?

Professor: One of the aspects of the future that I find unbelievable.

Commentator: Now where are those coordinates?

Professor: Fine, then! Here are your stinking coordinates!

Commentator: Uhuh. Right then! (Opens portal) Professor! Let's go!

Professor: Why do you have to drag me with you, why can't you commentate by yourself?

Commentator: But that's like Batman without Robin!

Professor: But in Goblet of Fire you said-

Commentator: Quickly, let's go! (Grabs the professor and drags him in the portal)


Commentator: There. Now where are we?

Professor: It appears that we're on a rooftop.

Commentator: I can see that! What I meant was- Hey, what's that guy doing?

Professor: It looks like he's about to jump.

Commentator: WHA?

Professor: Well not actually jump, more like fall forwards in a graceful fashion.

Commentator: NO! Don't do it-you. You've got too much to live for! I mean I don't know exactly about your life or what you've got to live for-

Professor: Once again, not helping!

Commentator: Oh you know me, Professor, I'm a critic by nature! I mean if you're going to kill yourself, do it in a way that doesn't cause you pain- NO, he jumped! Or rather fell in a grace- Hey, what's happening to the light? Why's it becoming so bright?

Professor: I haven't seen you this baffled since we watched the end of 'Naruto the Movie.'


Director: Great job, everyone!

Commentator: Wait! What's going on? What's happening?

Professor: Apparently this entire scenario never really happened. Of course this is all fictional so it never really happened in the first place, but even in the fictional universe, this story was fiction.

Commentator: WHAA?


Commentator: Oh, it was just a dream!


Mohinder: And that's why, class, my father was right about people being born with superpowers and that they are the next stage in evolution.

Nirad: Mohinder, who are you talking to?

Mohinder: My class.

Nirad: But there's no one here!

Mohinder: Look, I stayed up all night coming up with this speech, it's gonna be heard by someone, even if there's no one in the room!

Nirad: Uhuh. By the way, your father's dead.


Nirad: New York's a dangerous place. Especially for people our colour. Actually everywhere in the United States at the moment is dangerous for people our colour! The police don't have any clues as to who is responsible, but I think it was some vigilante wannabe who thought he was making America a safer place by killing a potential suicide bomber.

Mohinder: But my father wasn't Muslim! Let alone an extremist Muslim!

Nirad: Mohinder, nowadays, Americans take a glimpse at someone of dark skin and just assume that they're about to explode!

Mohinder: Aren't you exaggerating a little? I mean surely Americans can see the difference between Asians and Middle Easterners!

Nirad: If that was so, they wouldn't have cast an actor with ancestry from Kerala to play an Iraqi!

Mohinder: Wait, an Indian playing an Iraqi? How does that work?

Nirad: I rest my case.

Mohinder: Although now that I think about it, I always thought that Father looked Iranian. Actually he was mistaken for a variety of ethnicities as far as Greece! Well anyway, I'm off to the U.S. to finish his work.

Nirad: No Mohinder! Don't go! You'll die! Or at least suffer intense discrimination!

Mohinder: It's a risk I'm willing to take.


Peter: So I had this dream about falling and you were in it so-

Nathan: Do you really think I care? Leave me alone; I don't have time for any social activity!

Random worker: Hey Nathan! Wanna have lunch later today?

Nathan: Sure, why not? I've got plenty of time!

Peter: Wow. You know, your 'Mysterious Ways' character was a lot nicer!

Nathan: I decided to try out a different character!

Random Worker 2: Oh Nathan! Your mum called, it seems she's been arrested.

Nathan: SHE WHAT!


Nathan: Mum, how dare you commit petty theft! Do you have any idea how this will make me look like to the press?

Angela: How will me being a kleptomaniac make you look like a bad politician?

Nathan: Hey, you were the one who taught me you can never be too paranoid about bad press! Even when that paranoia ironically is your downfall!


Peter: So anyway, Nathan, the dream has convinced me that I can fly!

Nathan: -Peter, do you have any idea how insane that sounds?

Peter: It sounds insane?

Nathan: (Groan) Look, to change the subject, how about you come work for me?

Peter: Gee, working for my verbally abusive brother! What an opportunity!

Nathan: Exactly! I can't just be surrounded by all these faceless Random Workers whom I cloned!

Peter: -Wha?

Nathan: …I did not just say that. I mean it; I did not say that! If you breathe any word of it to anyone, I'll disown you quicker than you can say, er, 'disown'.

Peter: Like you haven't already practically disowned me!

Nathan: Oh you just wait for a couple of episodes. Then you'll see how far I can really disown! Well let me try to convince you by telling you that your career choice has no future and that you're acting like a kid.

Peter: Oh yeah. Go ahead and insult me. That will definitely win me over! Has anyone told you what a complete arse you are?

Nathan: All the time. I consider it a compliment!

Peter: I really shouldn't for a guy running for public office!

Commentator: There's a reason why this guy has such low polls.

Nathan: What was that?

Commentator: Nothing!


Mohinder: Hi there.

Peter: Hey there taxi driver. Oh I'm sorry. Salaam.

Mohinder: What?

Peter: Sorry, did I say it wrong? I'm pretty sure that's Arabic for hello!

Mohinder: I don't speak Arabic.

Peter: Oh sorry! My bad! Well unfortunately I don't know any Persian.

Mohinder: I don't speak Persian either.

Peter: Oh. Kurdish?

Mohinder: No.

Peter: Turkish?

Mohinder: No.

Peter: Pushtun?

Mohinder: No.

Peter: Dari?

Mohinder: No.

Peter: Assyrian-?

Mohinder: Excuse me; did you not see my name on the card in front of me? Is it not in big enough letters for you? Does 'Mohinder Suresh' sound Middle Eastern to you?

Peter:-OH, YOU'RE INDIAN!

Mohinder: Thank you. Honestly, I am so sick of people in this country mistaking me for a Middle Easterner! I mean this one woman was baffled why at midday I wasn't praying in the direction of Mecca!

Peter: -That's tough man.

Mohinder: It really is. By the way, here's your stop.

Peter: Thanks. I'm so sorry that we got off on the wrong foot! If anything I wish I could apologise in Indian!

Mohinder: -Indian…?

Peter: By the way, your English is very good. Where did you study?

Mohinder: IT'S MY NATIVE LANGUAGE, YOU IGNORANT AMERICAN! ENGLISH IS ONE OF INDIA'S OFFICIAL LANGUAGES ALONG WITH HINDI!

Peter: Oh-okay. I think I'll run away now.

Mohinder: OH AND BY THE WAY, THERE'S NO SUCH LANGUAGE AS INDIAN! (Dumps his head on the wheel). Groan.

(Mysterious person with horn-rimmed glasses enter)

Mohinder: Yeah. Where do you want to go?

HRG: To the Met.

Mohinder: Fine then!

Commentator: Hmm. Maybe this is why some taxi drivers are so grumpy.

HRG: 'Mohinder Suresh'. That's Indian, right?

Mohinder: NO IT'S- Wait, what did you just say?

HRG: I said that's Indian, right?

Mohinder: OH THANK GOD! You have no idea how frustrating it is when people don't recognise your nationality!

HRG: That's nice. You know, I once met a man named Suresh. He was this scientist who-

Mohinder: I mean just now I picked up a guy who thought I spoke Arabic then went through all of these Middle Eastern languages! And yesterday there was this woman who-

HRG: This is not exactly how I imagined this conversation to go.


Nathan: Peter, what are you doing on that rooftop?

Peter: I wanted you to be the one to see this! (Steps closer to the edge)

Nathan: Whoa whoa whoa! If this is because I insulted your choice in career, it's not my fault! It's my nature to be an arse! To you, that is.

Peter: It's my turn to be somebody, Nathan! (Stretches out arms)

Nathan: NO PETE, DON'T DO IT! DON'T KILL YOURSELF!

Peter: I'm not going to kill myself! I'm intending to fly!

Nathan: -Oh. Yes, that's definitely less insane!

Will Peter succeed in flying by falling? Will Nathan stop being such an arse? Will everyone stop mistaking Mohinder for being Middle Eastern? (Unlikely) Find out next time, on Heroes Abridged! (With Commentary)

Commentator: You were right, Professor! This show is definitely entertaining!

Professor: I kinda prefer the real version.

Commentator: Nah! This is way more fun!


P.S. I do not own 'Naruto' or anything related either!