Commentator: Welcome back my normal and hero-wannabe friends to the latest instalment of 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'! Now, unfortunately, Anonymius is kindof- caught up at the moment. With a genetically altered strangling plant that is.
Mmphmmph! Mmphmmph! Mmmmmmmmph!
Commentator: Quiet you. Ahem, now due to this preoccupation, I have had to reluctantly take over as author of Anonymius Productions! But don't worry, I will remain faithful to Anonymius' ideas and style of writing, you won't notice the difference! Now before we began, let's respond to your reviews! Professor! Open the Shoot!
(The Professor does so, and out pops eight envelopes)
Right then! Our first review is from- Hey Nathan, come over here!
Nathan: What is it?
Commentator: This review is addressed to you personally!
Nathan: Well what does it say?
Commentator: 'hey nathan,i know a way for you to seem less arseholish! let people pay you to let them kick you in the arse,then donate it to give it to me!whatever works...seriously give it to me." By Jcogginsa. Well, you heard the man! Or woman, I'm not too sure about Jcogginsa's gender, but anyway, how about it?
Nathan: What, no! I'm not going to let people kick me in the ass!
Commentator: It will make you seem repentant?
Commentator: Oh fine if you want to seem like you don't care about all the wrongs you made in the first half of Season 1. Anyhoo, on to the next review, by queenoftheoutlands:
Hooray! Claude arrives! Damn David Tennant indeed :) I shall have to go read this Doctor Who abridged thing. Thanks for updating btw...
Oh, and why are you leaving the Peter-vs-Sylar scene from Parasite out? its a great scene
Commentator: Well, Anonymius? What do you have to say for yourself?
(Plant unravels from mouth)
COM I SWEAR TO YOU ONCE I GET OUT OF THIS I'M GONNA TURN YOU INTO A CANARY AGAIN, AND THIS TIME-
Commentator: You're running out of time to speak!
Oh fine it's because I couldn't find anyway to make it funny, okay? However, I will be including the same scene from the succeeding episode MMMPH!
Commentator: Okay then, that's that answered!
Professor: Our next review is fromHaruko Kurimasu:
Ah, thanks for clearing up the whole 'Elle' thing! I've only watched seasons 1 and 2, because when season 3 was on TV, I was trying to catch up via DVD boxsets! But why was Elle trying to make Sylar evil? Don't worry, I don't mind spoilers; I'll watch season 3 as soon as it comes out on DVD.
Oh, and –
Hey, Sylar! This part of the review is addressed to you?
Sylar: Oh. Really? Well what does it say?
Professor: 'You said 'he', but I'm a 'she'! I tried to emphasize the 'ai' for the brains joke, but it changed when I posted my review! Despite this, I'm a huge Sylar fan. Loved it when he was stranded in Mexico at the beginning of season 2 LOL.'
Sylar: Oh yes. That was the most hilarious moment of my life. And um, apologies for the incorrect gender.
Professor: Oh and the reason why they wanted to make Sylar evil was, as HRG put it, "To hear the whale sing". Our fourth review is from Selena Antares:
Oh my gosh, I love this! I don't even watch Heroes, but i think I'm going to have to now. Although I have to admit, I was looking forward to more Star Trek jokes... oh well! Keep up the great work!
Don't worryabout there being no more Star Trek jokes! There's going to be one in this chapter.
Sammy: Our fifth review is from petrelli heiress:
have to agree with Commentator. This version is 'way more fun.' Hehe.
Commentator: Hooray! Someone agrees with me! Anyhoo, our sixth review is also from Petrelli Heiress, and it reviews Chapter Four:
Okay, I have to review now, that was just too funny. Flying Man, does whatever a pigeon can. Hehe
And also I think Mrs Petrelli says something about her husband having had a mental illness which eventually led him to commit suicide (which turned out to be a complete lie but whatever, supposedly Peter inherited it).
I was hoping that whole flying man thing would catch on! You never know, hoards of Heroes fans could be singing it! We might have started a fad!
Professor: Our seventh review is also from Petrelli Heiress, and reviews the fifth chapter:
Oh god, that's exactly what I was thinking! Peter's heroic pose and then the flying locker doors. His greatest fear? Hehe.
Brains. Tee hee.
Sammy: Our eighth and final review is from Petrelli Heiress:
Haha. Please write more.
Love Claude and his 'DAMN YOU, DAVID TENNANT!' Hilarious :)
Commentator: Wow, that whole 'DAMN YOU, DAVID TENNANT!' thing has really proved popular. Anyhoo, thank you for all of your reviews and to reward your patience, here's the next chapter 'The Fix!' Wait. 'The Fix'? Seriously, it's just the one episode? No combination of episodes? No weird combination of episode titles that make absolutely no sense? Man this episode must have been bad if there was enough to commentate on it for an entire chapter!
Professor: Or it could well be that Anonymius happened to choose this stage to make fun of the general characteristics of a certain character as well as take 'Geographically Clueless Peter' to a whole new level. Plus you know, now that the reviews are unlimited that's probably added a few more words to the word count.
Commentator: Nah, even with out the extra three hundred, it's still a lot more than we usually have.
Professor: Wait, why were you surprised? Didn't you apparently write this chapter?
Commentator: Er, yeah. I was just expressing the shock iof it, that's all. Cos I'm the best at it!
Commentator: Previously on 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'!
Peter: (On the phone) I need to be somewhere like in the middle of the Nevada Desert! Okay, thanks, bye! (Picks up a newspaper) Hey, I think I saw this guy in 'Goblet of Fire'-
Claude Rains: DAMN YOU, DAVID TENNANT!
Peter: Hey, who are you?
Claude: Who indeed.
Peter: That joke's already been used in a different commentary!
Claude: Yes I know. DAMN YOU, DAVID TENNANT! AGAIN!
Commentator: And now, on Heroes Abridged!
Peter: Seriously now, who are you?
Claude: You can call me Claude Rains.
Peter: Wait, if you're French then why do you sound like you're from the north of England?
Claude: A lot of –Fran-ces have a -north of England wait, that didn't come out right.
Peter: Well anyway. I've seen visions of myself exploding and I saw your face too recently, so I'm guessing that you're supposed to stop me from exploding.
Claude: You got that just because I appeared in your dreams?
Peter: Hey, I'm threatening to explode here! I'm a walking time bomb, I'm desperate for any way to stop going off! You've got to help me, Mr Scotsman!
Claude: Well I – wait. SCOTSMAN?
Peter: Well yeah! I'm guessing from your accent that you must be Scottish. Am I right?
Claude: (Through gritted teeth) Not-even-close… Well okay, I lie, it is close.
Peter: Okay then! Sorry, Irish and Scottish sound the same to me!
Claude: ...I'm not-Irish-either…
Peter: Oh sorry! Erm. Wels-
Claude: I'M ENGLISH, YOU PILOCK!
Peter: What? You can't be English! You don't sound either cockney or posh, and those are the only English accents that I've heard of! Oh no wait! I forgot! There's Beetle!
Claude: …Bee…tle…? YOU JUST SAID I WAS NORTHERN ENGLISH A SECOND AGO!
Peter: No I didn't.
Claude: YES YOU DID, YOU SAID I WAS FROM THE NORTH OF ENGLAND!
Peter: Well yeah, the North of England as in Scotland. Cos the whole island of Britannia is officially called England, right? Right?
Claude: …You know, I was going to help in a way to redeem myself, but now I've decided that you're too irritantly ignorant. You probably don't even know that Minsk isn't in Russia at all but in Belarus, which has a completely different language and ethnicity from Russia, don't you?
Peter: Bela-what-now? Is that some kind of tiny Russian state?
Claude: Didn't think so.
Commentator: Later in Peter's apartment, Nathan and Mohinder confront him.
Peter: What's he doing here?
Mohinder: Trying to make up for past mistakes.
Peter: Oh. I'm sorry. I thought you didn't believe in people with abilities, and that you were only following in your father's footsteps?
Mohinder: I had an epiphany.
Peter: Oh. Right. Expecting another one due, are you?
Mohinder: Say what?
Peter: I'm just saying that I don't want to be in a middle of an operation when you have an epiphany that there's no such thing as superpowers and then decide that you've been wasting your time.
Mohinder: Yes. Alright. I deserved that.
Nathan: No you didn't. Look Pete, all we want to do is to stop you exploding.
Peter: Well despite the fact that I'm out of options and Mohinder there probably has the best idea as to what to do with me, I'm gonna have to say no.
Nathan: All right. I didn't want to do this, but you give me no choice. If you don't come quietly, I'll make you wear (Takes a sheet of paper out dramatically) this!
Peter: What is that?
Nathan: It's your new superhero costume!
Onlooker: Look up there! In the sky!
Onlooker 2: It's a bird!
Onlooker 3: Nah, it's a plane!
Onlooker 4: No, it's-
(Crashes into a building. The building later comes toppling down)
Commentator: If you thought Inspector Gadget sucked as a super hero-
Mugged woman: Help me! That man stole my purse!
Copycat: I'll stop him!
(Tries to use his telekinetic abilities, but throws back the mugged woman instead.)
Copycat: Er, whoops?
Commentator: Then you haven't met Copycat!
Copycat: Halt, villainous fiends! I will not let you rob this bank! And you cannot harm me since I am invincible! Apart from the head.
Copycat: GAK! Maybe…it wasn't such a good idea…telling you my exact weakness…
Commentator: He can't seem to do anything right.
Copycat: Don't worry, Sir! I'll catch you! Whoops! Hehheh. Just missed him.
Commentator: Not even the simplest of superhero tasks.
Copycat: Now then, just shake this tree and the cat will be out just fine.
Copycat: Um, that cat doesn't appear to be moving.
Girl: (Crying) WHY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING?
Commentator: Watch him screw up over-
Copycat: Fear not, people of New York! I shall stop the villainous Imperius from blowing up New York!
Imperius: MWAHAHAH! Fool! The bomb was designed to activate the moment it detected your DNA! If you had never come here, the bomb would have never gone off!
Copycat: OH no! Oh, it's just like in my dream!
Mayor: WHAT? You mean you foresaw yourself blowing up New York, and yet you still went up ahead to the bomb?
Copycat: I thought there might be a chance that the vision was wrong.
Commentator: And over-
Copycat: Fear not, people of San Fransisco! I went to the future and saw the bridge fall apart, but now because of that, I can stop it from ever happen-
Copycat: Heh heh. Whoops. It turns out that I was the cause of the bridge collapsing after all.
Onlooker: Well, it looks like Copycat has screwed up again!
Onlooker 2: What a surprise.
Copycat: Good news, everyone! I stop a terrible dystopian future from ever coming to pass!
Onlooker: Maybe you're not as useless as we thought!
Copycat: Bad news is that my actions have created a new future in which we all die.
Onlooker: Damnit! I knew you'd screw up somehow!
Flying Man: Copycat, maybe you should give up the superhero business. Let's face it, all you ever do is make things worse!
Copycat: Oh don't worry about it! I'll just absorb the ability of Noothiratu over here in order to save the world.
Chronos: WHAT? ARE YOU INSANE? NOT EVEN NOOTHIRATU CAN HANDLE THAT POWER, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN?
Copycat: Relax, I can handle it Grr. Grr. GRRRRRRRRR!
(Copycat transforms into a giant monster)
Average Joe: Oh no! Copycat has turned into a Noothiratu junior! Who saw this coming! By the way, I still resent being referred to as Average Joe.
(Everyone runs away)
Commentator: If you want to watch a superhero show where the moral is where great power comes great disaster-
(Copycat runs after them)
Commentator:- Watch 'Copycat'! Coming soon to a television network near you!
Peter: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
Nathan: That is how we'll portray you if you don't promise to come quietly.
Peter: Okay, Nath. I PROMISE to come quietly.
Nathan: Okay, I trust you.
Mohinder: You know, he agreed way too easily, even for someone who was threatened to be a superhero who does nothing but screw up all the time and doesn't realise it. It may be a ruse just to-
(Peter runs away)
Mohinder: Do exactly that.
Nathan: Hey! You PROMISED to come quietly!
Peter: And you promised to become less of a jerk when I woke up!
Nathan: Oh crap! You heard all of that?
Peter: Yeah! You know, I thought it was strange how you seemed to suddenly hate me the moment you found out that I knew about the attack, but I never thought that you would come to the only logical conclusion, even for someone who found out he could fly yet had no idea about other powers but there might well-
Nathan: So, are you making fun of me for assuming you were involved or you not realising that I suspected you were involved?
Peter: You know what, I haven't quite decided.
Nathan: Hmmm. Maybe threatening him wasn't the right approach.
Mohinder: Jeez, yah think?
Commentator: Unbeknownst to Nathan and Mohinder, who assumed that Peter flew out of the window, Claude had in fact come to his rescue and made them both invisible.
Claude: I've decided to help you.
Peter: Wait, what happened to before when you said you didn't care?
Claude: Idiot! That's just something reluctant mentor figures initially say, then a scene later they change their minds and decide to train the hero. Although there's a chance that I'll misdiagnose you, causing us to waste time for the next two episodes, and ironically creating the fate that you foresaw that wouldn't have happened if I had never interfered in the first place, and even in the long run my teaching of you to use all these powers will only ironically make you more useless and suck as a super hero because of the theme in this series is that those who try to save the world with a lot of power will only end up making it worse, but what the hey, I'm bored, and this whole master and apprentice thing should be fun!
Commentator: Meanwhile back in Los Angeles…
Chief: Office Parkman, do you really expected us to believe this story of magic and heroism?
Chief: (So, either this guy's a nutter or he's so stupid that he thought we'd believe his crazy story? Either way it's not looking good for him.)
Matt: Okay, I lied. I was trying to make myself look like a hero and get myself out of traffic.
Chief: (Wait a minute. If he's a traffic cop, then what was he doing at a crime scene in the first place?)
Commentator: Meanwhile in New York, our Hiro and his sidekick Ando are confronted by Hiro's father.
Commentator: Wait. You're father's Sulu? Well that explains a lot.
Commentator: What is Hiro's father doing in New York? Can Nathan and Mohinder locate Peter? And will Claude stop Peter from exploding or will he do the exact opposite and be partially responsible for Peter exploding? Join us next time on 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'!
Wait a minute! What happened to my part?
Commentator: I'm sorry?
YOU COMPLETELY CUT ME OUT OF THE CHAPTER!
Commentator: Oh I'm sorry, italic narrator guy. I decided that you weren't necessary.
NOT NECESSARY? THE REASON ANONYMIUS INCLUDED ME WAS THAT I WAS NECESSARY, IT DOESN'T WORK WITH YOU!
Commentator: I however beg to differ.
-That's it. Imprisoning Anonymius was one thing. Introducing unlimitied review specials was another. Even skipping what Anonymius planned for Yu Yu Hakusho abridged was another another, but cutting me out? This time you've gone too far! I shall establish the Resistance, a loyalist group that will restore Anonymius back to power! VIVA LA RESISTANCE!
Professor: Wow. You know, it'd be very ironic if his attempt to restore Anonymius succeeds, Sir. You're discluding him from a parody would undo the very situation that was caused when Anonymius excluded you from a parody!
Commentator: Yes, the irony hasn't escaped me.
Professor: (Oh and before we go, please excuse Anonymius if he seemed cranky before. Being trapped in a strangling plant for over a week will do that to you. Oh and before I forget, Anonymius does not own 'Heroes' or anything related!)