A/N: This is probably THE stupidest, most deranged and ridiculous of plot bunnies to invade my creativity garden. Naturally I had to shoot, skin, and fry up the little bastard for my readers before it wreaked untold mayhem upon my brain. So in honor of the most reviled of holidays I give to you a Transformers Animated Valentine fic. [shudder] Somebody throw a hammer at my skull!
Side note…this doesn't follow the TFA timeline whatsoever so just flow with it AND I made Sari an older teen so it's not AS weird.
"Stupid Cupid, Stop Picking on Starscream."
In a realm of untold origins; quite possibly in the brain of an insane fan fiction writer…
"Cupid!" the head cherub shouted.
The baby-like figure fluttered forward, delivering a hearty salute, "Sir!"
"At ease. You've been doing well Cupid. Your arrows have been hitting their marks, spreading unforeseen love throughout the Earth." the chubby being congratulated.
"Thank you, Sir!"
The head cherub leaned over his red, shimmering desk, "But I have a new task for you…a challenge if you will."
Stiffening his floating posture the minion of love remained attentive, "What is the challenge?"
"I give you this challenge: help the most unlovable sentient being on the entire planet experience love." the leader instructed, pounding the desk with an insisting finger.
The blonde cherub quirked his head, "But who is the most unlovable being on Earth?"
The head cherub swished his hand, producing an image portal which revealed the intended target.
"But…that's not even a human." Cupid protested.
"No. But he IS the most unlovable being on Earth."
Cupid gave a look of suspicion, "Well…what makes HIM the most unlovable?"
"Shall I rattle off the short list?" the head cherub asked as he leaned forward, "His name is Starscream a sentient robot in line with the Cybertronian faction of Decepticons. He is treacherous, narcissistic, power-hungry, a liar, and uncaring of anything but achieving his own desires to become tyrant of the universe. And…he's a jerk."
"Yikes." Cupid grit his teeth.
The cherub leader made a small gesture, "He is so reviled that the members of his faction have cast him out with a price on his head, the other faction wants him dead, and even his own clones will not follow his lead."
"And…I'm supposed to help this Starscream find love?" the little saint flicked his wings.
"Just let him experience it, actually. Besides, you ARE Cupid and those ARE magic love arrows in your quiver. Now go!" the cherub leader flicked his hand to shoo his minion away.
Cupid still looked completely unconvinced but shouldered his magical quiver of love arrows, saluted, and flew to Earth to find his target.
A little later…
Being the magical, other-worldly being he was Cupid had no trouble finding the alleged "unlovable" target. In fact, most of Detroit knew where Starscream was.
Hovering like a menacing demon of war the Decepticon jet was unleashing a devastating barrage of laser fire into the city below. Glass shattered, cars exploded, humans screamed, and buildings crumbled. Below him, dodging and holding their shaky ground were the resident Autobots. They seemed to be desperately trying to stave off the violent attack without much success. The Decepticon had them outclassed and outgunned. Cupid drew in a breath.
This was going to be interesting…he could already tell.
"Tremble before my MIGHT Autobots!" Starscream cackled, firing his null cannons at his targets below.
Below Optimus and Bumblebee had taken shelter behind a skyscraper with Prowl and Ratchet on the opposite side of the street. Bulkhead was caught behind an overturned, shuttle train with teenage Sari in his hands.
"Give me the Key and I will spare your miserable lives!" the Decepticon jet shouted.
"NEVER!" Bulkhead and Sari screamed back.
A hail of laser fire ate up the side of the train, "Then YOU and all the puny creatures in this city will PERISH!"
Starscream continued to fire when the All Spark fragment embedded in his forehead lit up, pointing out the exact location of the Key. He revved his thrusters, and dove headlong toward the source. Bulkhead peeked over the train and just as he did Starscream swooped over burying his claws into the tall panels jutting from the Autobot's shoulders. He threw the green Autobot away from the train and sent Sari running for cover to avoid being crushed under her giant friend's weight.
The teenager gripped the Key around her neck ensuring it was still there when suddenly a shadow covered her. Sari ducked but it was too late. Starscream swiped her right off the street and shot straight up out of the Autobot's reach.
"NO! Put me down you damn Decepticon!" she screamed at him, struggling to push his talons open.
His red optics locked on the Key around her neck.
Nearby a tiny specter was sifting through his arsenal of crimson, glittering, arrows.
"Hmm. Love, Lust, Raging Hormones, Horny…no too strong." he pondered as if trying to think of the right love concoction, "AH here we go, Hopeless Romantic with a shot of Love at First Sight!"
The tiny cherub drew back the pair of arrows aiming straight for the giant robot's back. He picked a mark and loosed the projectiles. Flying straight and true, the mystical arrows struck the Decepticon right between his wings.
Just as Starscream was about to forcibly take the Key from Sari he felt something strike his back. It didn't hurt, but the strangest sensations began crackling through his circuitry. He couldn't focus, like his equilibrium had been destabilized. Staggering in midair the Decepticon faltered, trying to keep his hover steady. He squint his ruby optics and blinked a few times until his vision focused on the being in his hand.
It was then Starscream felt his empty Spark chamber roll with heat and his vents stuttered. His targeting vision was solely focused on the teenage girl fighting in his grasp. She was…beautiful. Those fiery tresses complimenting the dark shining eyes, her tiny lips, and her curvy form…she was the most stunning thing he'd ever seen.
Who was she? What was her name? He had to know.
Sari struggled in the Decepticon's grasp when suddenly she noticed he wasn't trying to take the Key from her. She looked at him and pulled her head back. His blood red optics were focused on her, but they bore none of their cold, deadly gleam. He was smiling at her, and not in an evil way. In fact, his expression was creeping her out.
"Who are you?" he asked; his normally screeching voice very quiet with wonder.
Sari quirked a brow at the huge Decepticon clutching her, "Why do you want to know that?"
He dimmed his eyes in a dreamy way, "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
Now Sari was REALLY confused.
"WHAT?" she squeaked.
"Please. Tell me your name." he begged. "I must know your name."
Sari didn't know much about Starscream except that he was one of the most ruthless and dangerous foes to the Autobots and humanity as a whole. The first time he graced his presence on Earth he wiped up the city with the Autobots, threatened the lives of those closest to her, gleefully tried to murder her when she was but a girl, and destroyed a major portion of Detroit. But THIS craziness was nothing close to that scheming, deadly, Decepticon menace.
Before Sari could even come close to thinking of a response a black and gold dervish shot up between her and Starscream. Using his boosters, Prowl leaped up from a skyscraper roof and delivered a round house kick to Starscream's prominent chin. The Con's head whipped back and he loosened his grip on Sari. Prowl instantly vaulted over the Decepticon's forearm, snatched Sari from his hand, and landed gracefully on the rooftop below. He quickly jumped from building to building toward the safety of the street where the other Autobots were making a strategic retreat, hoping Starscream would follow.
Starscream shook his head to recover from the unexpected hit. He glanced at his hand, but the beautiful unnamed being was gone! His optics darted, trying to find her. The Decepticon hovered around the area, scanning repeatedly for the object of his desire but found nothing. A slight pain crackled in his vacant Spark chamber.
Where did she go? Who was she? How would he find her again?
He landed on the roof of a skyscraper, trying desperately to think of what he should do.
Cupid smirked. Bless his magical arrows. They were working better than he'd anticipated. Now he just had to nudge Starscream in the right direction to pursue this newfound attraction.
Invisible of course, he flew straight for the Decepticon, whispering in his audio receptor, "She lives in that tall building that looks like a spark plug."
Starscream didn't know why but he had a feeling this mystery girl lived in the tall building that looked like a spark plug. He focused on the unique edifice and the fragment of All Spark in his forehead flickered. If she was there, he would go and discover her name.
"But not yet. Wait a few hours so she'll be there when you arrive." Cupid whispered.
Starscream decided to wait.
Three hours later…
Sari collapsed on her bed, exhausted by the wild events of the day. Just to be sure she and the Key were kept safe, Bulkhead and Prowl were posted as sentries near Sumdac Tower. The teenager avidly wondered what had come over Starscream. Had he damaged his logic circuits somehow? His strange behavior didn't make any sense at all. But she didn't let it worry her. After all he didn't get the Key and she was unharmed.
Suddenly her whole room darkened and a dull roar rattled her windows. Sari's head whipped over to the balcony window which was filled with magenta armor and a golden cockpit. The redhead screamed and bailed over the side of her bed for cover when Starscream's face lowered to peek inside.
What was he DOING here? He had to be after the Key!
Sari waited for the inevitable crash of the Decepticon smashing his hand through the building or blasting it with his null cannon. Several long seconds ticked by but no destruction came. Then a sharp tapping sound echoed in her room. Sari scrunched her face with confusion and peeked over her bed. Much to her befuddlement the Decepticon was tapping her window with the tip of his claw, red optics darting across the room.
Why was he tapping her window? What was WRONG with this Decepticon?
His optics suddenly fell on her and he smiled with what looked like elation.
"There you are." he stated.
Sari ducked down, ready for him to reach in and seize her.
"No wait!" his voice pleaded, "I just want to know your name."
Was he serious or insane?
The teen cautiously stood up, eyeing the large face in her window with great mistrust, "What's your game Starscream?"
He smiled excitedly, "You know my name?!"
"Uh…yeah. Kinda hard to forget the guy who has tried to kill me and my friends for the past ten years." her dark eyes hardened.
The red optics looked down a moment but returned to her, "Please. I must know your name. Just a hint?"
"SARI!" Bulkhead suddenly shouted from below.
Before Starscream could react a green, silver studded wrecking ball slammed into his side, throwing him away from the building. He spun out of control and flew off fast, trying not to crash.
Sari just stood in her room, totally at a loss for words, "This day couldn't possibly get any weirder."
Starscream made a shaky landing near the docks. Only one word was on his lips:
What a beautiful name! What a beautiful girl! He just had to win her heart as she had so gloriously conquered his Spark. But how? What things did she like and more importantly what could he do to get her to like him?
"Send her a love note, let her know how you feel." mischievous Cupid whispered in his audio.
"Ah. A love note." he mused.
The invisible cherub laughed. This was turning out to be a fun!
Back at Autobot headquarters…
"That's just IT Optimus!" Sari threw up her hands, "He didn't do anything violent at all. He could've grabbed me and destroyed the building in less than a second but all he did was tap on my window and ask me my name."
Bulkhead looked at his arm, "Maybe I knocked one of his logic chips loose."
"No. He was acting weird WAY before you hit him Bulkster." Sari explained.
"Well, maybe Prowl's kick damaged something?" Bumblebee guessed.
Sari still shook her head, "No. He was being weird even before Prowl kicked him! I just don't get it."
"It's got to be some sort of new strategy to get the Key. Something so off the wall it will throw us off guard." Optimus surmised.
Prowl frowned, "It still doesn't explain why he didn't grab it just now. Starscream is not well-known for being discreet when he wants something."
All at once the roar of a Harrier jet filled the sky and the Autobot's braced themselves. The distinct gray and magenta armor gave little doubt it was Starscream flying overhead, but he didn't appear to be in an attack posture. He swooped across the Detroit sky performing intricate arcs, loops, and dives.
"What's wrong with him? Why is he flying all crazy like that?" Bulkhead asked aloud, trying to follow the jet's fast, erratic flight pattern.
Optimus activated his axe, "Get ready Bots."
After one more big loop, Starscream pulled away, turned, and fired a single small shot from his laser. Sari and the Autobots ducked low when the sky was suddenly set ablaze. But what they saw wasn't merely an explosion.
"What the…" Bumblebee blinked.
Across the sky, written in flame was this message: SARI, I LOVE YOU!
No one said a word. All jaw hinges were dropped and Sari was wide eyed with shock.
"Sari I love you?" Optimus read, "What?"
"Has he FINALLY gone completely insane?" Bumblebee shouted. "I thought Blitzwing was the crazy one!"
Sari just shook her head in disbelief as the flaming message in the sky died away.
Starscream was pleased with his evaporated fuel message. Sari was sure to see it no matter where she was. He certainly hoped she liked it and would give him some kind of response when he visited her next.
"You should bring her a gift." Cupid suggested.
The Decepticon tapped his chin with his claw, thinking, "What would a girl like Sari want for a gift?"
"Girls like to get flowers."
The next morning…
Despite the wacky events of the day before, Sari insisted she stay in Sumdac Tower. She wasn't about to expose her friend's base of operations to Starscream. The cheerful light of morning peeked through her drawn curtains, peskily shining right in her eyes. Groaning, Sari decided to get up and around.
"Curtain." she commanded.
The automated windows drew back the curtains and she was awakened instantly by the sight of Starscream once again filling her windows.
"Good morning, Sari." he greeted.
The teenager swore she was still sleeping dreaming the craziest nightmare her mind could conceive.
"Are you stalking me?!" she demanded angrily.
Starscream looked around with confusion, "No…did you see my message?"
Rolling her eyes, Sari shook her head sarcastically, "No. I didn't see the huge burning love note in the sky."
He seemed to shuffle in midair as he hovered next to her balcony, "Oh. Well I… I brought you something."
She frowned, "Brought me what?"
His hand suddenly appeared from behind his winged back, thrusting an entire cherry tree in full blossom before her window. The tree still had roots indicating he'd probably ripped it right out of the ground.
"You brought me a tree?" Sari asked with thorough befuddlement.
"With flowers." he added, smiling, "Do you like it?"
For a few seconds Sari just stared at the tree in his hand until she finally shook her head, "Curtain."
Obediently the curtain slid over the window. Outside Starscream kept trying to keep his optics on her until the curtains closed.
"Sari?" he gently tapped her window, "Sari?"
"Go away Starscream!" she shouted back with blatant irritation, "Go be crazy somewhere else, I'm not going to play your twisted little game!"
The Decepticon felt a terrible ache in his empty Spark chamber. For several minutes he hovered outside Sari's balcony, hoping she'd open the curtain again. But his heat vision indicated she was leaving her room and not coming back.
He dejectedly lowered his flowery tree and bowed his head. In no hurry, he flew away from Sumdac Tower to the docks where he sat on the concrete barrier that kept Lake Eerie out of Detroit. Giving his failed gift a last look he tossed it in the lake, watching bob in the waves.
"She didn't like the flowers." he mentioned aloud to himself.
Cupid, ever present, offered more advice.
So in the two days that followed Starscream tried everything Cupid suggested to win over Sari. He tapped into the Detroit radio stations and played romantic songs where ever she happened to be. She didn't like that. He left her little love notes on her phone every hour. She really didn't like that. He wrote her a poem on the side of a skyscraper with his laser. She didn't like that...and neither did the Autobots. Nothing was working.
Totally at a loss and feeling even more rejected, Starscream sat on the docks of Lake Eerie trying to think of some way to win over his crush. But being true to his nature, Starscream remained persistent. He'd win her over. He knew he would.
Out in the Detroit Park…
"ARG! I can't STAND this anymore!" Sari ranted as he walked with Bulkhead and Bumblebee. She held up her fingers, "TWO days! Two days he's been harassing me with all of this 'I love you' craziness!"
"He must've really broken something in his head." Bulkhead shrugged. "Not that he wasn't pretty insane to begin with."
Bumblebee sniggered, "It's kinda funny seeing him act like a love-sick dork."
The teenager groaned, "Oh yeah, HILARIOUS Bumblebee!" Sari sighed raggedly, "If he tries to woo me ONE more time…"
Suddenly the dreaded sound of a Harrier jet made Sari look skyward in a 'why me?' expression. Behind them Starscream transformed and landed. Bulkhead and Bumblebee didn't even bother flinching; they just kept their weapons at the ready just in case. After all, they'd spent the past three days chasing off Starscream and not once had a shot or even an insult been fired from the Decepticon. He was solely focused on Sari.
"Hi Sari." he waved.
The teen set her jaw, trying not to lose her temper. But the thin line of her patience was nearing its breaking point.
"What do you want now Starscream? Why can't you leave me alone?" she demanded.
He shuffled his wide thruster feet on the path, "Because I…love you."
"NO. You don't. You've just got something broken in your head." Sari insisted.
Starscream looked down as if hurt, "I'm not broken."
Sari shook her head, "Starscream, three days ago you were blowing the living Hell out of Detroit trying to get this." she held up the Key, "Suddenly you've gone from Mr. Hyde to Dr. Jekyll. Something is wrong with you."
The Decepticon looked around as if trying to figure out what to say, "I…I don't know what else to give you to show my love so…I just want to know… do you love me too?"
Sari drew in a breath, readying the harsh blade of her answer, "No, Starscream."
His red optics flickered, "Not even…a little bit?"
She shook her head, "No. Not even a little bit."
The tall Decepticon dropped his head, optics dim. His arms fell to his sides and he turned his winged back. With a dull whine his thrusters lit and he flew away.
"Ouch." Bulkhead and Bumblebee said as one.
Sari sighed, "Well what was I supposed to do? Lie to him?"
The two bots shook their heads, glad it wasn't them who received the swift blow of rejection.
Starscream sat on top of a skyscraper with his chin resting in his hands, Spark-broke. She didn't love him…Sari didn't love him…not even a little bit.
Cupid hovered nearby, shaking his head. Love was so wonderful, but also the most painful. The only way to lift the spell of his love arrows was to find love or be heart-broken. This certainly qualified as heart-broken.
As Starscream sat, feeling as if nothing could hurt him anymore, the crazy pink haze in his optics fizzled away. He blinked, shaking his head with confusion.
The Decepticon looked around, "How did I get here? What's going on?"
He was certainly used to coming online having no idea what had just happened; blessing and curse of the immortal All Spark fragment embedded in his forehead. But somehow he had a vague idea he'd just done something against his will…something very humiliating. He reviewed his mental logs and his optics widened in horror.
NO…he didn't…there was NO way he just…
His red optics darted around and suddenly his scanners detected a very strange winged creature hovering behind him. Cupid suddenly realized the Decepticon could see him and he beat a hasty retreat.
"YOU! YOU'RE THE CAUSE OF ALL THIS!" Starscream screeched angrily.
Leaping to his feet, Starscream directed his null cannons at the fleeing creature and set it to full blast.
The head cherub looked up from his hovering red desk to see a charred Cupid limping painfully into his office. His little white wings were singed black as was his now smoked blonde hair.
"What in the world?" the leader sat up.
Cupid held up a hand, clearing his parched throat, "The next time…you want me to help the most unlovable being on Earth find love…" he pulled out an arrow from his mangled quiver and stabbed it into the desk, "Take one of these and SHOVE IT!"
A/N: Ok…totally stupid. But now the plot bunny is dead and I can get on with my life. Take THAT Cupid!