Title: I am Not Lost

Author: Ashantai

E-Mail: ashantai@hotmail.com

Archive: Please ask!

Pairings: None

Rating: G

Spoilers: Pollo Loco

Summary: Ben's thoughts on how Max feels about him.

Author's Notes: Please R/R, I love reviews!

Disclaimer: I don't own Max, Alec, etc., or Dark Angel (I wish!!) but I like to watch them on tv. :)



I AM NOT LOST



I am not lost.

You think that I am lost, but it's not true.

You think that I have sinned, but I have not sinned.

We all do what we are meant to do. No sin, no shame.

And here I am.



I am a killer.

Designed, created, born, and raised a killer.

A predator to the masses. A destroyer of life.

I did not wish to be a killer.

But here I am.



I am a boy.

Designed, created, born, and raised a boy.

I have the emotions of a boy. I have the face of a boy.

I did not wish to be a boy.

But here I am.



I have faith.

Not designed, created, born, or raised to have faith.

I have faith in the Blue Lady, who is real.

I wished to have faith.

So here I am.



I have love.

Not designed, created, born, or raised to have love.

My siblings mean the world to me, the Blue Lady more.

I did not wish to have love, but I have love.

So here I am.



I am tired.

Not designed, created, born, or raised to be tired.

A lifetime doing what I was not created to do has made me so.

I did not wish to be tired.

Yet here I am.



I am not a monster.

You think I am a monster, but I'm not.

The Blue Lady knows this. Inside, you know this, too.

You are not a monster, either. You are a killer, like me, but not a monster.

You were designed, created, born, and raised to be a killer.

And here you are.



Someone once said that the only sin is to go

Against one's own nature.

I am a killer, a predator, a slayer of the masses.

I did not ask to be, yet I will be what I am.

And here I am.



You try to deny who you are.

You try not to see.

You hide the truth from yourself.

You are a killer. We both are killers.

It's okay. It's not sinful or wrong or nasty or evil or bad.

The Blue Lady didn't give us the lives we have to question her.

We were made to kill, and here we are.

Killing is what we must do. It is what we will do.

I will kill, and sleep well the night I kill.

I am not afraid of who I am, and I know who you are.

I think it's you who doesn't see.

And so it is you who is lost, Max, not me.