This is fairly late, and considering it's the Queen's birthday and we had a three-day weekend there's really no excuse other than life getting in the way. The chapter is still written as if prior to Extreme Rules happening, and so yes, we've read results (we're too cheap to shell out thirty bucks for the PPV) but no, we didn't include them in here. Still, hope you enjoy.

Date Uploaded: 07 June 2009

Mouthpiece – Episode 12

"Pyper," O-Gee began in a curious but also cautious voice, "Is everything okay?"

"Okay??" Pyper immediately snapped at her, causing the makeup lady to drop the brush and sending powder everywhere. She ignored the mess and the muted curse that came from their attendant, and continued her rant. "Of course I'm not okay! I spent the whole week tracking my Chrissie as well as She Who Shall No Longer Be Named, and I couldn't find a trace of either of them! For all I know they eloped to Barbados and are currently sipping margaritas by the beach!"

"Az—I mean, She Who Shall No Longer Be Named hates the beach…"

"… Plus there's Morrison," Pyper barreled on, ignoring her sister. "I mean, I suppose on some level I can understand his infatuation with me, I am irresistible, but he's got to learn that I'm TAKEN, my Chrissie shacking up with She Who Shall No Longer Be Named aside."

"But I talked to her two days ago and she said that she and Jericho parted ways right after she got his contract back from ODB."

"… Flowers and chocolates I don't mind," Pyper went on, gesturing around the set, which was literally filled with bouquets of flowers, "But the self-gratifying shots of him shirtless sent with them are a little weird, even for me—wait, what did you say?"

"Az—er, She Who Shall No Longer Be Named called and told me that it only took her two hours the previous week to get Jericho's contract back," O-Gee explained to her suddenly attentive older sister. "Turns out ODB just needed a good enough replacement for him, and she settled for a year's supply of McDonald's supersize value meals, engraved flasks for every day of the week, and two crates of Thin Mints."

"Thin Mints?"

"Yeah. I bet those girl scouts who sold them to Az—um, She Who Shall No Longer Be Named were pretty happy." Here O-Gee sighed and said, "Can I please just call Azzie by her actual name instead of saying that really long phrase?"

"No! Until I see her and have my vengeance saying her name is forbidden, you got that?" Pyper snapped. "Now let's start the show!"

--- ȺΦΩ ---

Episode 12: Exclusive Mouthpiece Merchandise!

The splash for WWE and Mouthpiece play, and the show opens with Pyper seated in the middle of the set. "Good evening, ladies and gents," she greets, "It's time once again for another episode of your favorite, number one ranking WWE online show, Mouthpiece! I am your host, the inimitable Pyper! And of course there's O-Gee by the news desk."

The camera flashes briefly to the news desk with O-Gee, who waves and barely manages to say, "Hello!" before the view is turned back to Pyper.

"Sheesh, O-Gee, no one likes a camera-hog," Pyper says, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, for this show we have another special guest; allow me to introduce him now. Please welcome the All-American American, Jack Thwagger, I mean, Swagger!"

'Get On Your Knees' by Age Against the Machine plays, and Jack Swagger trundles onto the set. He glares at Pyper, but chooses to settle himself on the seat before he starts to speak. Unfortunately the stool is positively diminutive against his bulk, and he spends a few moments trying to sit down on it before giving up and kicking it away. "You knew I wath a guest way beforehand; couldn't you have gotten some dethent furniture in??"

"Hey, those are standard issue Mouthpiece set chairs," Pyper defends. "Speaking of which, viewers will get the chance to purchase their very own soon, once the WWE Mouthpiece merchandise line is released! Tell them all about it, O-Gee!"

As Jack Swagger sputters at being ignored, the camera focuses on O-Gee, who launches into a very bad home shopping routine, with various merchandise items around her. "This coming week Mouthpiece is proud to announce the launch of their exclusive WWE line of merchandise! Items include fan t-shirts, jackets, hockey jerseys, ladies tees, windbreakers, sweatshirts, baseball caps and a whole bunch of clothing with the Mouthpiece logo and/or cartoon versions of Pyper and me on them! Yes, even underwear!"

She starts to pick up various things in succession as she talks. "Plus there are the stools, mugs, bobbleheads, action figures, posters, magazines, bedspreads, iPod cases, pencil holders, alarm clocks, bags, and much more! Also the first half of season 1 of Mouthpiece will be on DVD; that's right, nine five-to-ten minute episodes in one boxed set for only $89.95 and no extras! Isn't that exciting?"

"You forgot one important thing," Pyper tells her.

"What's that?"

The camera zooms back on Pyper, who holds up a hardcover book with an image of her in the kitchen along with Photoshopped in pictures of Triple H, Edge and Melina beside her. "The release of my cookbook entitled 'Cooking with Pyper and Her Favorite WWE Superstars', which is so not a rehash of the 'Can You Take the Heat?' cookbook of JR. Nope, it's brand new, people."

"Are you done?" Swagger asks impatiently.

"Oh don't get snippy with me, Mr I-Got-Beat-By-Christian-Twice," Pyper says. "You're the one who set up that opening to introduce the Mouthpiece merchandise line, not me."

"Listen, I came here exthpecting to be interviewed about my triple threat match at Exthreme Ruleth, and inthead I've had to thtand here while you hawk all your thtupid productth that nobody ith interethted in anyway!"

Pyper wipes something from the side of her eye and replies, "You know, it's kind of hard to take you seriously when you're spraying saliva at the person you're talking to every time you open your mouth."

Swagger throws his hands up and says, "Oh great, not another one. Fine, make fun of my thpeech impediment, just like the millionth of other people too dumb to think of more clever wayth to inthult me!"

"But why exert the extra effort when you just make it tho eathy," Pyper says. "Aw, damnit, now I'm doing it too!"

"Can we get to talking about my match—?"

"But hey, to be fair, you are trying to work through it," Pyper interrupts. "Which reminds me, I was meaning to ask you, what exactly do they make you do in speech therapy anyway? Do they make you recite tongue twisters in the mirror or something?"

"Ooh, ooh," O-Gee comes into view and says, "Like 'He thrusts his fist against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts'?"

"Or how about 'When a twister a-twisting will twist him a twist, for the twisting of his twist, he three twines doth intwist; But if one of the twines of the twist do untwist, the twine that untwisteth untwisteth the twist'?" Pyper adds.

"You know what, forget it, it'th not worth it!" Swagger says, and then stomps off the set.

"Hey, wait, we still have two minutes of airtime with you to fill!" Pyper calls. She jumps up off her seat and starts to run off after him when Josh Mathews suddenly steps onto the set. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh, I was asked by John Morrison to give you this…" Mathews says, handing her yet another bouquet of flowers with an 8x10 glossy of one John Morrison recreating the David Beckham underwear pose.

Pyper takes one look at this, shrieks and throws both flowers and picture into the air and bolts. Mathews, confused, slides surreptitiously out of view.

O-Gee watches the flower petals fall like confetti, as well as her hastily retreating sister, and then turns back to the camera with a grin on her face. "Ah, well, I guess we're ending early this week. Oh wait, there was one thing I wanted to do before we ended the show."

She perches on Pyper's vacated stool and says, "Pyper told me not to do this, but I want to anyway. Ever since the Miz came on two weeks ago and said that he would sabotage Mouthpiece, I've been pestering him off air to continue his threat. Well, and the reason he's kept on giving is that he's too busy with his 'feud'," here she makes air quotations, "With John Cena. So this evening I'M calling him out. You heard right, little O-Gee is calling out the MIZ! So come on, you say you're awesome? Prove it!"

It is quiet for a moment as O-Gee waits expectantly. Presently the sound of crickets chirping is played. "Meh, I thought so," O-Gee says with a smug grin. "So now, following Miz's example on RAW of past weeks, I now hold a victory over him. Yeah, O-Gee 1, Miz 0! And I'm going to keep calling you out every week, Miz, until you answer me."

"Is that really a smart thing to do?" a voice asks, and then Mathews comes back into view again.

"No, probably not, but my only guardian at the moment is Pyper," O-Gee says, and at that moment Pyper streaks by in the background, still screaming, "And as you can see she isn't exactly what you call strict. And, uh, why are you still here?"

Mathews shrugs. "I don't really have anything else to do. Hey, are you guys thinking of maybe replacing Azrael or something? Because I'm looking for another internal gig…"

Pyper races back, grabs Mathews by the collar without warning and yells, "No one utters that name, you hear me, NO ONE! And NO, we are not looking for another host, so SHOVE OFF!"

She pushes him out of view and then disappears herself. O-Gee gleefully waves at the camera and says, "That's it for us, folks, see you next week, this is O-Gee, signing off on behalf of Pyper and myself. Bye!"

And that is how the show ends.

--- ȺΦΩ ---

"Two weeks," Carlito was saying to his brother as Primo closed his laptop after watching the show. "Two weeks since I last heard from Azrael."

"Careful, brother," Primo said, grinning. "If anyone hears you they might think that you're actually worried about your not-so-benevolent master."

"She's never gone this long without calling me to either pick up her drycleaning, or bathe her fucking dogs, or get her car tuned up," Carlito went on, shooting a glare at Primo. "But no, I'm not worried about her; the only thing Carlito's worried about is the possibility of that contract to one half of the World Championships falling into the wrong hands. I may end up like what that asshat Jericho had to go through."

"Yeah," Primo said in monotone, looking bored. "So, are you going to go out and find her now or later? Tell me so I can think up of some excuse when Vickie Guerrero shows up and starts demanding why you're not around."

"I'm going now," Carlito said, grabbing his stuff. "And you're coming with me," he added, yanking Primo by the arm.

"Hey!" Primo yelped and only barely managed to catch his laptop before it could hit the floor. He continued to argue and complain half in English and half in Spanish as was ushered out of the locker room by his brother and out in the streets to presumably look for a curiously absent hack.

To be continued…