It was as if the whole world is out to get me.

Weighing down, pressing against me, crushing me

…and it wasn't just happening to me.

I stare down into his swollen crystalline eyes as he splutters a breathless "Please stop,"

My fingers dig deeper into his throat. "I can't." That's a lie. I can.

But I won't.

He lets out a half-stifled sob, tears continuously flowing out of his mesmerizing eyes. His hands clutch my wrists as he attempts to pry me off him. He knows it's useless. But still he tries.

This had all started when he was out of me—Merlin finally got his senile mind to function and figured out how to separate him and I. At that time, my sanity was hanging by a thread.

But what if you were on a constant surveillance?

What if you wanted to just kill that tickle in the back of your brain?

What if at the same time, you wanted it in general?

You know what I mean…

You wanted to

Fuck it.

That's what I said when I thought of life. When I started smoking; when I was introduced to alcohol, strip clubs, pain pills and when I turned 23.

"Fuck it."

All the while he was sitting in the back of my head; watching me (slowly kill myself), begging me (to stop it), waiting for me (to recoil into the back of my mind so he can help me haul my sorry ass back into the real world).

I changed since I was 15.

At first, it was fun having a voice in the back of my head. I was never lonely, I had someone to talk to… but then I turned 16.

Life spiraled out of control when I was offered a cigarette at school. He told me it was a bad idea but…

Fuck it.

I shut him out ever since. We were both miserable. And then I started to miss him, feel guilty for neglecting him, wanted us both to stop hurting…

Then I took a hit or a drink (both on occasion).

And everything was all gooooooooooood…

I lost my friends that way, my love, my life—everything had slipped from under me.

Riku left.

Kairi dumped me.

Selfie backhanded me once.

The King and his asshole lackeys think I'm dead.

But Wakka deals my dope.

And Tidus takes me out every Friday to get slammed and laid.


Fuck it

I don't need any of them. I have Roxas.

Had Roxas.

Need Roxas.

Want Roxas.

He's all I've got left… plus the unlucky bastard is infused into my head. But get this… In time the sonuvabitch completely ignored me. Can you fucking believe it? My last hope for a life doesn't give a rat's ass anymore.

And then he'll be on the list with all the other shit heads.

He never said it, but I could feel it. He wanted out of my head and to get the fuck away from me. My sanity. My hope. My love…

And his wish came true.

One day we got a letter and a tiny vile labeled "FRAGILE" along with it. The letter read:

Dear Sora and Roxas,

For the past few months I have been working on a potion that would separate you two and still keep you both whole.

Please drink this potion and wait up to 10 minutes for the effects to kick in.



P.S. Sora, please take better care of yourself.

I wanted to tear the letter up upon reading the last bit, but I stopped myself. Picking up the vile I glared at the neon pink substance inside of it. I felt the hope flash in Roxas and scowled—for a split second considering smashing the miracle cure—before popping the cork on the top.

"Bottoms up,"

I downed the concoction with experience (shots will do that to you) and stuffed the letter and empty vile into my pocket. A second later, I turned and headed home.

Roxas didn't say a word.

The first thing I did when I entered my neglected one room, two bath, one kitchen apartment was lock the door. I didn't bother to spare a passing glance at the dark shit-hole. I never cared anymore because the empty beer bottles strewn about the floor, thin layer of ashes coating the coffee table, the spilled condom box on the couch, the cigarette burns on the walls, the curtains closed and coated with a dried white mass of something, the empty Aspirin bottles and the smell of drugs and sex all over the place were burned into my memory.

Sometimes I wonder if the $70 rent I pay every month is worth it.

I drug my feet though the living room, absentmindedly kicking cans and bottles out of the way and stepped into my room; closing the door and locking it too. Inside me, Roxas had a feeling of dread. He knew I had no intention of him leaving anytime soon.

I staggered over to my bed, almost tripping over the unseen mounds of useless crap, and reached out to pull open the shades. An annoying amount of light flooded the room and I had to shut my eyes at the intrusion. Blinking out of temporary blindness, I glanced around the room: no different from the living room but with clothes and tissues lining the floor, too.

To answer the question you're about to ask, you tend to forget about cleaning things when you're wasted all the time.


Fuck it.

I crawled over the bed and opened the over sized window next to it. I took a seat on the sill, one leg hanging out, and glanced at the alarm clock on my desk sitting across the room.

"Two minutes and you get lucky, Roxas,"

No answer.

"You know," I hissed, "We're going to have a little chat about this silence thing once you're out of me."

This time, I didn't care if he stayed quiet and instead wondered how it would feel if he left me. Painful, probably (in not just the physical leaving my body thing). Maybe I should've thought that potion thing through…

And then it happened.

A searing pain ripped though my chest and I let out a startled gasp; pulling myself back into the room and falling on the bed. It felt as if someone had just punched their hand into my ribcage and was squeezing my heart. I grabbed at my shirt, crying out, feeling a warm light surround me.

Déjà vu. It was just like releasing Kairi's heart from me so many years ago.

Had I not been in severe pain, I would've wondered if the bitch really deserved it.

But it made Roxas appear.

No really.

There he was: lying on my floor, panting, and naked save for his X necklace.

"Roxas?" I breathed out, not realizing I had been gasping for air too.

He looked up at me through startled pure blue eyes, managing to whisper "Sora…" before slowly attempting to push himself up. After the success, he covered himself with his hands and eyed me warily.

We stared at each other for a moment, as if it was just a dream, and I thought to myself:

'Please tell me you can't hear my thoughts anymore.'

He only stared and I sighed in relief. "I'll get you some clothes,"

After scavenging around and obtaining a pair of old ripped blue jeans, boxers and a white t-shirt, I handed them to Roxas. He took them without a word and I returned to the window sill, snatching a pack of cigarettes off the bed and a lighter from my pocket. I lit the cancer-stick and let it hang from my mouth; watching him shimmy into the t-shirt. After a deep breath, he turned to me with a serious look as I took a long drag from the smoke.

"We need to talk,"

I never knew how up-tight Roxas was about my health until our little "talk". I tried blowing it off about 3 times but he never seemed to stray from the point.

But I must say, his ranting did remind me of the time when I lived with my mom. For two years, I'd come home reeking of either cigarettes or weed or even alcohol and she'd lecture me into next morning. But I told her it was my "friend" who did that and sometimes the smell got on me. (Like I had any real "friends" anyway…)

And she bought it. Every single time.

But mom always was a nit-picker. That's why I moved out when I did; her expectations were never exceeded. Look at me now mom! I got a college degree and was high… at the same time!

Ha. Ha. Ha.

…whoops I got off task there for a second… I tend to reminisce when I smoke.

Anyway, after Roxas and I talked I made some food, he cleaned the apartment a bit (but gave up after a little while seeing as such a big task it was) and we ate pizza for dinner. That night, I slept on the couch in only my jeans and he slept in my bed. I had a dream about Agrabah. Maybe because just before bed I took a couple bong hits. I haven't dreamt about a world in a long time.

…fuck you Abu.

The next day I woke up at around 8 in the morning to some shuffling coming from my room.

I shrugged, 'Roxas is probably trying to clean,' Reaching under the couch, I pulled out a half-empty bottle of Vodka and grabbed for a tipped-over bottle of Advil with a green dot drawn on it on the table. I fished out two pills, popped them, and took a swig of Vodka. 'This should be enough to get me through the morning.'

There was a 'thunk' and a "Shit!" from my room and I grabbed the box of smokes from the table and took the lighter out of my pants. After lighting a cigarette I paused.

'When the fuck did my lighter get flames on it?' Twisting it around, I saw there was also a VIII scribbled in silver permanent marker on it.

Fuck you Axel. Yes, you're dead, now stop reminding me.

…annoying bastard….

I got off the couch and took long strides over to my room. The shuffling increased in volume as I got closer and I noticed the door was cracked open a bit. While I took a drag, I peered into the room to see Roxas zipping back and forth across the floor with clothing in his hands and a bag on the opposite side of the room. I gave the door a push and it creaked open.

Roxas froze.

"Morning," I greeted him, leaning in the door frame. "You cleaning or something?"

He paused and bit his lower lip. Something was wrong…

Sighing, Roxas turned his back to me and continued what he was doing. "No, I'm not cleaning." He shot me a glare that confirmed my suspicion. "I'm leaving."

And this is the part where I drop to my knees,

Begging him not to,

Pleading him to stay,

Telling him "I'll get better, I promise"

And he agrees,

And I do get better,

And a whole bunch of magical Disney shit happens,

And we live happily ever after.

…Well it seems the Vodka and Advil are soaking in…

I scowled and stepped further into the room before shutting the door and locking it. He stopped what he was doing and looked at me.

"What are you doing?" Roxas asked.

"You're not leaving,"

"I don't need your permission to go somewhere so butt out." He stuffed a shirt into a plastic grocery bag and that's when I realized he was packing.

He was serious.


He turned his back to me, plastic bag in hand, and made his way over to the door. As he passed me I grabbed his arm.

"Let go," Roxas hissed.

"I said, you're not leaving."

He tried to pull out of my grasp, but I held his arm tight. Internally, I panicked.

'He can't leave; if he does I'll fall apart! What do I do? What the fuck do I do?!'

And suddenly, I was in a haze. The cigarette fell from my mouth and I felt my pupils dilate.

"…Sora? Are you okay?"

I just want to take that pretty little face of his

And tear it off

And watch him bleed out

And rip at his skin

And dig my hands into his hair

And bite at his neck

And touch his body

And ravage his mouth



The cigarette on the floor's glow dies out and I yank Roxas foreword.

"You need to stop Sora," Riku tells me, "This is bad for you."

I take a deep drag from my smoke.

"Fuck you, Riku."

I grab Roxas' other arm and pull him close to me. "Sora, what the hell are you doing?! That hurts!"

"Sora, I can't take this any more!" Screams Kairi; "You're killing yourself!"

"Kairi, I don't give a shit. Besides, it's none of your business,"

"I want to help you get over this and you keep pushing me away like I'm nothing to you!"

"Because you are. What are you going to do about it?"

"This," She takes a deep breath, "It's over, Sora."

"You can't leave me!" I blare at him, and he goes pale. "You're all I have left! I don't have any friends anymore, just a stupid fucking drug dealer and a bar-hopping buddy and nothing else!!"

"How could you?!" Selfie screeched, hand still outstretched and my cheek still stinging. "How could you do that to Riku and Kairi?! They're your friends! You don't do that to friends!!"

I shrugged, "I don't need them anymore,"

Tears streamed down her face and she sobbed, "You inconsiderate asshole… You can't go and do that to people… especially not the ones you've known and loved all your life!"

"Honestly Selfie," I hissed, "You, Kairi and Riku can go fuck yourselves for all I care. I don't need you or them anymore."

"If you leave me, I will die." I whisper, eyes pleading.

"Sora," Roxas breathed, "I can't take this anymore… I need out. Please…"

"I can't take this anymore!"

My eyes narrow and I feel like releasing him for a split second, but I don't. Maybe I should?

Fuck it.

I grip him harder and twist my body; throwing him to the floor. Roxas lands on his back, gasping at the collision between the ground and his head. I tackle him; pinning him to the ground and making sure he can't escape. Roxas struggles, but it's useless.

And absentmindedly, my hands encircle his throat.

His eyes go wide as I press down on his windpipe, teeth bared, tears stinging at the corners of my eyes.

"If you won't stay," I snarl, oblivious to the animalistic actions I'm taking, "Then I'll make you."

And oh the sight that follows!

Tears well up in his frost blue eyes and his lips part as he chokes out "Please stop,"


I believe this is the part where we came in…



My fingers dig deeper into his throat. "I can't." That's a lie. I can.

But I won't.

He lets out a half-stifled sob, tears continuously flowing out of his mesmerizing eyes. His hands clutch my wrists as he attempts to pry me off him. He knows it's useless. But still he tries.

But God, how beautiful he is like this; so helpless, so puny, so scared… That's a high I could get on without any drugs.

He whimpers under me as I impulsively start to lean down, applying more pressure to his throat. What I wouldn't give to have him scream my name: begging me to stop, pleading me not to…

Then the feeling would be mutual.

Feeling a twisted smirk tug at the corner of my mouth, I keep leaning down—face inches from his.

Like a porcelain doll I'd love to break.

It's not like life hasn't thrown obstacles at me before—I've had more than my worth in troubles than most.

But that's a little off-topic.

Right now, I have a decision… I can let this angel below me go and pretend he never existed in the first place (just a little more déjà vu for the collection) or I can see how much I can make him writhe below me.

Fuck it.

I leer over him menacingly, glaring intensely into his eyes. The restricted oxygen flow is making him paler by the second. I watch his bright blue orbs fade in color as his life slowly slips away.

He's unusually quiet…

…Or maybe I'm not listening hard enough.

I can tell he's on the verge of passing out, but I won't have that. Now's not the time to him to wander into Dreamland.

And my grip goes loose.

And I cut off his flow of oxygen again.

The life floods back into him as he gasps against my lips, arching into the carpet to get away form me. His hands move from my wrists to my chest, pushing with what little force he can muster. I press down harder as my tongue runs over his lower lip. I feel his mouth clamp shut and he recoils from the contact.

Okay, forget the foreplay.

Pulling my hands off his throat, I seize Roxas' wrists and pin him to the ground. I pull away enough to growl, "Open up," before crushing my lips against his again. He whimpers; parting his lips for a split second before my tongue quickly eases into his mouth.

Seconds later, I manage to hold both his wrists with one hand while the other works at the button and fly on my jeans. He hears the action and begins to struggle again—parting from my lips every few seconds to manage out a plea. Ignoring his attempts, I manage to undo my pants and let his wrists go to pull down his. Roxas thrashes, but I'm in the middle of an adrenaline rush and in no time, all his clothes are off. It's not too long until I'm leaning over him, pants down part-way and pressing at his entrance. Looking up at me with a horror-stuck expression, Roxas shakes his head in fear; but I only give him a chaste kiss on the lips.

And I smother him.

I can hear Roxas' screams reverberating off the paper-thin walls of my room. I'm likely to get a few complaints from neighbors but I don't care—I've made enough women (AKA complete strangers) scream in my apartment to the point were they don't even bother to whine anymore.

He's so tight… So hot… It's like fucking a furnace.

I push myself in deeper—not realizing his screams have died down into moans. As I kiss and bite at his neck, I feel fingers run through my hair; fisting brown locks painfully. Roxas turns his head toward me, panting heavily into my ear as his other hand slides up my back and his nails sink into my shoulder.

Every pant past those perfectly pale lips sends a tingling sensation all down my back and right into my groin. Roxas' legs wrap around my hips; urging me in deeper. The grip I have on his thighs tighten as I fuck him harder. I lean back for a moment to stare into those hazy, identical eyes, and suddenly I feel warm lips press against mine.

I kiss back before urging my tongue into Roxas' mouth once again. The hand on the back of my head pulls me in closer, the nails gripping my shoulder claw at my skin vigorously.

We part for air and Roxas arches his back against me.

I'm close to the edge.

So is he.

I can see it in his eyes.

Or are they my eyes?

Do I even care?

Fuck it.

I ram into him one last time, and suddenly my whole world is replaced with blinding light.

And I suddenly remember why I never went to Church:

Because I wanted sweet, sweet release.

The sinful kind, I mean…

Like they say:

"The forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest"

The light fades and I see an angel—

I see Roxas—

Lips parted chest heaving, eyes half-lidded and surrounded by a luminous light.

But I know that last part is a hallucination caused by the drugs…

And yet it's so captivating…

Suddenly, a wave of fatigue washes over me; my eyelids grow heavy and my body is weak. I feel a soft hand touch my cheek and Roxas' lips move but nothing comes out.

It looks like he's saying "I love you."

Then they move again, and again, and again—mouthing the same words over and over—inverted, multi-colored, then back to normal and I immediately realize I'm starting to trip. Thinking back to the pill bottle from the morning—the one with the green dot—I mentally slap myself when I remember the dot meant it was actually LSD.

Hello again, Lucy. Miss me?

Through my blurred vision, just before everything goes black, I can see my angel mouth the words

"Smother me."

And suddenly I'm falling

Through a deep, blue, timeless space

Crushing me

Consuming me

Turning to pitch black.

"I've been having these weird thoughts lately,"

I unconsciously tell myself;

The familiar words

Far off memories


scattered dreams

appear in my mind.

"Is any of this for real? Or not?"

And just as the light fades

It returns unhesitant

Just like it has

So many times before…

I crack open my eyes to see the stained off-white carpeting of my room.

Blinking, I inwardly question what happened when everything hits me at once.

'I just raped Roxas, and now he's probably—' My stomach drops. '—gone.'

I swallow thickly in attempt to remove the nervous lump in my throat and push myself up. Ignoring the dizziness that follows, I dart to my door; the mantra of 'Please be here,' playing in my head like a broken record.

Grabbing the doorknob, I twist it roughly (in my mind, it cries out "Ouch!" and I suddenly have the image of the small talking door in Wonderland) before throwing it open and taking about two quick steps into my living room to see…

Roxas, sitting at the end of my dining table,—the one my mom got me for a moving out present—reading an old gaming magazine and playing with the corners of it very idly. There was a dazed look on his face accompanying a rosy blush dusting his cheeks.

Once he notices I had entered the room, he looks up at me before immediately looking away to try and hide the newly pink-turned-red blush enveloping his face.

"…hi Sora," He chokes out after a moment; coughing into his hand to clear his throat. "Awake so soon?"

"How long was I out?" I muse.

"About a half-hour," Roxas manages to turn back to me, still blushing. "Right after we… you know… you passed out." He nods in my direction, "In case you haven't noticed, I re-dressed you."

I glance down my stomach to see my happy trail being cut off by a pair of jeans sliding down just enough to reveal half an inch of black boxers.

"I tried to clean up around the apartment a little more too. Although I've still got a lot to go." My gaze turns to the living room which is a little tidier since Roxas' first attempt.

"Thanks," I mutter a little more nonchalantly than I wanted to.

Roxas bites his lip and taps his index finger on the table.

"Um… take a seat?" He gestures toward the chair beside him and I humbly comply.

After I sit down, we share a long silence. In my mind, I make a Mad Lib-like speech of how sorry I was about what I did and if Roxas wanted to leave me, he could and I deserved to burn in hell or just get tied to a chair and forced to listen to me singing in Atlantica when I was fifteen because I'm sure there isn't much of a difference—

I see Roxas open his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.

"Look, Roxas," I blurt out suddenly; keeping my gaze off of him. "I'm sorry for what I did and, if you want to, you can leave. You can even alert the authorities if you feel it's right. I deserve it many times over…. I never should have even threatened you—take whatever you need; money, clothes—I don't care, and you can go wherever you want, too." I take a short breath, "I've tortured you enough already…"

There is a pause.

Then silently, Roxas gets up, turns around and walks in the direction of the door…

That's how I imagine it in my mind. Him leaving without a word… but then:

"Well, like they say:" He says, "You can't rape the willing."

I blink; confused, jaw agape and speechless.

A moment later, he stands from his seat and approaches me. Leaning over, he manages to peck my cheek. "I'll stay. No matter what happens or how long it takes, I'm willing to help you, Sora." He smiles warmly at me, but I can still feel the wariness in his gaze.

And then I reach out and take him into my arms.

He stumbles slightly from the sudden imbalance, but returns the hug by wrapping his arms around my neck.

"I'm so sorry Roxas," I sigh into his shoulder—my nails dig into his hips in a menacing way that clearly says you'd better mean it, or else—and he half-nods to show his understanding. "Thank you so much…"

It is then when I notice the dark space in my pocket where my lighter presides is burning slightly…


Now, I'll give those reality TV show people their perks; alcohol and drug recovery fucking sucks—especially when all you really do is work, smoke, drink, have sex, pop pills and sleep. It's a pretty vicious cycle, I know, but it's my cycle. And trying to stop most of it is tedious as hell.

On a different subject, I'm sitting on the couch right now, next to Roxas, playing with my lighter. I've been doing that a lot lately—especially when Roxas is around. Not to mention the closer he gets, the hotter my lighter feels. How strange…

"Hey," Roxas says, and I glance over at him to show I'm listening, "Why is there a VIII written on your lighter? I've never noticed it until now."

Nonchalantly, I ask, "Have you ever heard of a message from beyond the grave?"

Roxas blinks. "No?"

"Séances? Dead people trying to communicate with you?"

He just looks at me oddly.

I sigh, "I'll explain later."

We stay silent for a while. The TV plays re-runs of the MTV show "Rehab". I look over to see Roxas staring at the screen, lips pursed, as a girl our age has a mental breakdown in front of a counselor. Absentmindedly, I light the lighter a few times before reaching foreword and setting it on the now-clean coffee table.


He eyes me wearily and I pat my lap with one hand.

"Come here."

Roxas hesitates; obviously confused. After a second he carefully stands up and approaches me before quietly sitting in my lap. I can tell he's timid about this (He's been fairly cautious of me ever since the strangling incident), but I don't mind.

Casually, I wrap my arms around his stomach and slip my fingers up the hem of his shirt. Roxas relaxes as I pull him back to lean against my chest. My hands work up his torso; brushing lovingly over his curves and slowly circling his navel. I peck over his shoulder and press soft kisses all up his neck before he turns his head to allow access to his lips. I take advantage of this immediately; capturing his mouth in a rough kiss. He kisses back, albeit just as hard, while running his fingers through my hair.

One of my hands redirects it's course to Roxas' groin and he lets out a startled gasp as I grope him playfully. For good measure, I buck my hips upward, earning a loud moan. Smiling, I continue to ravage his mouth—our innocent kissing quickly turning into rough foreplay.

It's not five minutes later Roxas has his legs spread whorishly as he rides me in the backwards cowgirl position. And as we both come to climax, I flip the lighter on the table the bird.


It hasn't been long, but so far I've managed to bring all my habits down to a minimum. I wasn't really even addicted in the first place—I got drunk a lot and I smoked weed and popped some pills every now and then, but the only thing I'm totally addicted to is cigarettes. I usually had about 4 a day (one in the morning, one in the evening, one before bed and one any other time of the day), but I even managed to live with having about two to three or even just re-lighting one, having a couple puffs, then putting it back out.

I'm not an idiot. I got into this shit knowing I cold grab it by the balls and call the shots.

What can I say? I'm a balanced guy.

Anyway, everything seemed to be working out—I begged Roxas to stay, I promised him I'd get better, he stays, I get better, Magical Disney shit happens and we live happily ever after.

Or so I thought.

And suddenly I realized

That there was a life

There was a person

There was a friend

Who had been

Lying to themselves


dying on the inside

All along

It was about three days later when I got a call.

Roxas and I were in the kitchen, putting away groceries, when my phone rang. I was about to get it, but a pale hand on my chest stopped me. "Stay—I've got it."

Before I can respond, Roxas runs over to the phone sitting on the coffee table, flips it open and greets whoever is on the other line. Figuring it's just Tidus looking for a clubbing partner or Wakka offering a new kind of dope I might like, I tune out the conversation. Instead, I look over the features of Roxas' face. He is turned to where I can see him holding the phone in his left hand—wait a second.

Peering in closer, I notice yet another VIII in silver Sharpie.

Damn it, Axel. Why do you make me do this crap anyway?

Looking back to Roxas' face, I notice his eyes are wide and he looks shocked. Listening in, I watch him nod as he says "Yeah, okay I'll tell him. Thanks Naminé." Wait… Naminé got out too?

He slowly closes the phone before taking zombie-like steps toward me.

"What happened?" I ask.

Roxas looks at me with a haunted look.

He's scared.

Something had gone horribly wrong.

"That was Naminé," He says quietly, "She said Merlin sent her and Kairi the potion too."

"Yeah?" I urge, "So what's going on?"

Tears brim in his shining blue eyes as he speaks, "Sora… Kairi's in the hospital."

I know it's really bad to say, but somehow I thought it was ironic.

Kairi had attempted suicide.

Multiple times.

We arrived at the hospital, told the lady at the desk who we're here for, were given directions to the room 4311 and when Roxas and I got there, we were almost immediately greeted with a crushing hug.

That crushing hug happened to belong to Naminé.

Naminé has really changed since I last saw her eight years ago…

But then again,

We all have…

She has a figure just like Kairi's—save for the being shorter, having somewhat larger breasts, a smaller face, sky-blue eyes and paint-stained fingers. Honestly, if the first ting you saw was her face, you wouldn't even think she was 22. Another interesting fact is Naminé also tends to fidget a lot when she speaks. As her and Roxas exchange a quick "it's-been-a-long-time" talk, I notice her tug at a loose string on her blue board skirt and finger at the holes in her white, crochet-trimmed camisole.

Once enough catching up is done, Naminé explains what had happened to Kairi.

Like I said, she tried to kill herself about three different times—drowning, bleeding to death and jumping from a building. Apparently, Naminé managed to talk her out of it the first two times, but as she tried to reason with Kairi the third, the latter had started to edge off the building, resulting in a broken leg and rib and giving Naminé a few bruises.

"How is she now?" Roxas asks and Naminé shakes her head.

"Pretty tired. She's been napping a lot since she's been here. They've been giving her a lot of sedatives for the pain in her leg so I'm not surprised."

Unconsciously, I half-wonder if she'd let me borrow any while we're here.

"Well, how are you two?" Naminé chirps; lightening the atmosphere almost instantaneously.

"Well, thanks to Roxas," I tell her, "I'm partially sober now."

"It's true," Roxas chimes in, "He's recovering pretty fast, too. It only took us about four days to get his boozing and clubbing down to a minimum."

With a gentle smile, Naminé gives me a friendly pat on the back. "Good for you, Sora! Maybe when Kairi wakes up you can tell her the good news. If you play your cards right she might want to get back together with you!"

Roxas and I exchange an uneasy glace which is immediately noticed by Naminé.

"You can't?" She questions.

"Well, no… Sora and I are kind of…" At a loss for words, he trails off and nods for me to finish.

"…fucking?" I'm met with glares from the both of them. "What? It's true!"

"You pervert!" Roxas hisses before giving my shoulder a punch.

Naminé flushes a deep red while suppressing a giggle. "W-well," She pauses to clear her throat, "As long as you two are happy, then I'm happy too."

There was the sound of expensive heels clacking against tile as a nurse holding a clipboard approached us with disinterest. "Kairi is awake now—" She spoke in a dull tone, "You may visit her now if you wish." With that, the nurse turns and leaves while I swallow down a thick lump in my throat.

I'll admit it; I'm afraid of seeing Kairi. Last time I saw her was when we broke up and it's been about three months since then. There's something about facing a girl after you've told her to piss off and die that really scares the shit out of a guy…

"Sora?" Roxas asks, setting a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "You know you don't have to go in, right?"

I shake my head, "No. I need to face this someday, anyway." I sigh, "Might as well be today…"

They nod solemnly and Naminé silently leads me in the direction of Kairi's room. I stand outside the doorframe, heart pounding, staring intently. I feel Naminé pat my back with her paint-stained hands again and I warily step into the room.

Glancing around, I see Kairi's bed against the far-right wall of the room next to a large window. Kairi is staring out the window, hands folded neatly in her lap, quiet, and unnoticing of my presence. I begin to approach the bed, making sure to take quiet strides, and upon closer inspection I notice bandages over Kairi's wrists and the bruises littering her arms. Aside from being a little longer, her hair hasn't changed much. The same went for her facial and bodily features.

I stop about a foot away from the bed and open my mouth to speak, but I'm cut off.

"Hello Sora." Kairi says in a rough voice; not making any motion to look at me. "What brings you here?"

Seeing the visitor's chair next to her bed, I quickly sit down in it before taking a deep breath. "To see you. I heard what happened." I avert my gaze, "I'm sorry…"

"No, you're not." At this, I look back at her. "Consciously or not, you knew it was bound to happen. All your antics put me in an unstable mental state and you were just counting down the days until I finally snapped. Well, let me tell you," She shut her eyes, and sighed "Irony sucks."

Without a thought, I laughed at the last statement, causing her to turn and look at me. "Yeah, it does. Because you let it." With a signature grin, I added "Oh and the good news is, with the help of Roxas, I'm getting sober."

She blinked at me in a shocked way before slowly, almost eerily, turning her head back to stare at the wall in front of her.

"Well, if that's the case, don't come see or talk to me ever again." Her eyes narrowed, "That is, unless you become fully sober. Then maybe I'll think about forgiving you." It was my turn to blink in shock as I watch her focus on the wall. Had I been in any other situation, I would've wondered if she was trying to set it aflame with her mind…

And then I smiled, stood up, and with a final "It's a deal," turned on my heel and left.

Back outside, Roxas and Naminé are sitting in waiting chairs, as they chat idly. I advance in their direction, feeling somewhat smug, and tap Roxas on the shoulder. He looks up, and I jerk my head in the direction of the exits.

"Ready to go?"

He smiles, "You're back soon. Did it go well?"

"It went fine," I tell him, "She said she jumped because of me, I told her I'm sober, she didn't believe me and I left."

His brows furrow and he gives me a concerned look. "That doesn't sound very 'fine' if you ask me,"

I shrug, "You kinda had to be there. We just made a deal, is all. Can we go now? I'm hungry and hospitals bug me."

Roxas laughs before standing up, followed by Naminé. The two hug and she embraces me too for a moment. I can tell she's relived I talked to Kairi. We didn't clear much up, but hopefully we made some kind of progress.

Roxas and I are about to depart when a startled voice calls "Sora?"

I freeze.

Twisting my head, I look over my shoulder to see Riku; his hair pulled into a loose pony and carrying an oversized vase full of tropical flowers I've only ever seen on Destiny Islands.

"Riku?" Roxas asks, and I grab his hand.

"C'mon Roxas, let's go."

"Oh what?" Riku calls, "You finally get an opportunity to apologize and you ignore it? No wonder Kairi dumped your sorry ass!"

Doing an about-face, I snap "Why do you think I'm here? I already told Kairi I'm sorry… what do I need to apologize to you for?!"

"Like you don't know!" Riku snaps back, and Naminé offers to take the vase. Without an answer, she secures it and sets it on a coffee table. "All we wanted to do was help and the first thing you do is blow us all off! All you are now is a stoner and an alcoholic who doesn't do jack shit!"

"You're wrong. I was a stoner and an alcoholic, but now I'm just a few steps away from being one hundred percent clean." I smirk, "You really need to stop second-guessing people, Riku."

Riku growls and takes a menacing step foreword and I mimic the action.

"Stop it, both of you!" Roxas scolds, causing both Riku and I to pause and look at him. "You're acting like little kids. It may be common for you two, but you need to know when to just shut the fuck up and part ways! And maybe if you can keep your juvenileness in check for five damn minutes, you can actually try to work it out. Got it?!"

We look back at each-other for a long moment.

"…okay." I say, "I'm willing to finish this later. Are you?"

Riku continues to glare before muttering "Fine. But first," He looks over to Roxas, "Can I talk to you? Without Sora?"

My eyes narrow and Roxas gives me a reassuring look before nodding to Riku. He approaches him and they take a few steps down the hallway followed by a turn right into a drinking-fountain nook. Scowling, I take a seat next to Naminé in the waiting chair Roxas was in. The air is thick with tension as I silently fume beside a fidgeting Naminé.

"What's happened to you?" She mutters, and I turn my blank gaze to her. "You used to be so dedicated to helping your friends… you wasted at least two years of your life searching for them but now it's as if you're all just a bunch of enemies bored enough to make a pointless conflict."

Sighing, I shake my head. "I guess I grew up. Drugs, alcohol… you hear so many true things about them, yet you still do them. We ruin our lives just to get a cheap thrill. Ill admit, I wanted something new in my life and I guess I got it. To be honest, I wouldn't take any of it back, but I would change the fact I pushed all the things I love away." Taking a deep breath, I lean my head back and chuckle. "There. How's that for an inspiration speech?"

There's a quiet pause.

"You know," Naminé laughs, "I honestly don't expect any less of an answer from you, Sora."

She smiles at me and I return the gesture; inwardly, I wonder if it was all actually worth it.

Fuck it.

"Hey," We turn to see Roxas and Riku standing before us. Riku looks pleased and for some reason it makes me feel the same. "Ready to go?" Roxas asks and I nod before standing. "See you, guys."

"Wait," I turn to Naminé just as she rises from her seat. She takes my hand between hers and I can feel the dryness of a folded paper against my palm. Under her breath, she murmurs, "It's not too late to undo the damage. We're all willing to give you as many chances to fix whatever you've done wrong, and no matter what, we're here for you." She gives me a squeeze before retracting her hands and I immediately know to close my fingers around the paper. "I have to go check on Kairi now. Take care!"

With that, Naminé turns on her heel and rushes into Kairi's room. Quietly, Riku takes the vase of flowers from the table, smiles at us, and follows Naminé.

Outside of the hospital, I find out that the paper Naminé had given me was actually a photo. It was taken when I was 15, only hours after we'd finally returned to the islands. The three of us stood on the beach, the sunset in the background, with Riku standing in between Kairi and I; if you look closely, you can see the faint silhouette of Roxas and Naminé standing beside us. On the back of the photo is written "Always" signed with a tiny heart. Later, in the car, I ask Roxas what he and Riku talked about and he answers with "He's feeling bored to tears."

And it's right then

I suddenly feel as if

Being like this is okay

But only if I take it in stride

And realize

This time, to include my friends

It's been about three weeks since that talk with Naminé.

Riku and I are on good terms.

Kairi is out of the hospital and, with the help of Naminé, is recovering nicely.

King Mickey wrote us a letter.

Selfie is a lawyer now.

Wakka is in rehab.

Tidus is sobering up.

Roxas and I? Still going strong. Roxas is helping with the rent by working odd jobs every Tuesdays and Thursday. He's often cranky, but that's just him.

And me? I just started therapy, but so far I've managed to drop the LSD and booze. I still smoke, and I'm currently trying to talk Roxas into letting me get a piercing. Axel still sends messages from time to time and keeping up with my job has but a bit tough, but so far everything is all gooooooooooood…

Roxas and I are sitting on the beach at the moment; looking out to the old island where we played as kids. We come here at least once a week now, just to relax and reminisce. Sure, we technically have each other's memories stored somewhere in our minds, but no matter how much we know, talking about it is always interesting. Take it from me; the three hour drive here is totally worth it.

"So," Roxas says, "I heard you and Riku finally made up a few days ago."

"Yeah. Despite about two years of turmoil, we're buds again."

I feel him grasp my hand and I look over to see him smiling brightly. "I'm proud of you, you know. You've gotten so much better since my intervention—as cheesy as it sounds, it's very inspiring."

I chuckle. "Yeah well, Merlin said to take better care of myself and I guess I have you to thank for making sure that happens." I give Roxas' hand a squeeze before he leans over to kiss me.

I don't even realize this entire time, I've been writing the words

"Smother me"

in the sand.


MHC: Happy Valentine's Day everyone. This fanfiction has been in the process of writing for about four or five months and I have to say, I'm proud of it. A whopping 23 pages long, it's currently my longest work to date.

It started off with a simple concept: attempted strangling, rape and forgiveness, but as all the events in my life unfolded one by one (my brother and cat passing away, insomnia, mild depression, and dropping grades) I've just been continuously adding onto it.

Today, I finished it after months of frustration and a tedious recovery of my own. Personally, I love tragic endings but this needed some lightness to thin out the dreadful air.

Please don't be angry if Sora seemed way too OOC. I'm a full-time supporter of evil/drug addict/drinker/sex addict/smoker!Sora. Also, pardon Kairi's condition and Riku's bitterness. There are going to be two sequels to this that will explain exactly why they are like this so stay tuned. Please, focus on how the story was written and not the crackness of the content if you leave a review. It will be very much appreciated.

I hope you enjoyed this fanfiction—don't forget to leave a review for they are the fuel to a writer's flame and let us know you still care.


Cornwallace, Chuck Palahniuk, Tim Burton, Seether, live-changing events, the anime Soul Eater, various horror fanfics, various horror movies, Fight Club, South Park, and Shakespeare.

Special Thanks to:

Loozer-s for minding the (SoRoku) boat, my parents for not questioning my venting through my writing, the staff at my home school and my friends for encouraging me to follow my dreams, my cat Scooter for keeping me company during sleepless nights, my iPod for letting me constantly listen it while maintaining a fair amount of battery life, my fans who send their mental hugs and love, and you, the reader, for taking the time to read and review my fanfiction. You all make my life awesome; thank you so much for that.

For the man who said

Fuck it.

One too many times.

We will miss you, Scott.


1980 – 2008