Happy V Day everyone. I got a tiny bit of free time from my real life workload, and as I checked through my fanfic email account, I realized that I'd completely forgotten to post this fic before taking my leave of absence. My deepest apologies to you all. And if you're wondering: No, this is not a full return to the fanfic world for me, just a brief moment to post this one piece, and then I'm gone again for, at the very least, another two months. So no new updates to preexisting fics. Again, very sorry.
But until that time, please tide yourselves over with this new mockfic by the self-proclaimed Master of Mockery. /egostroke.
As the summary stated, this is a sequel to my most successful mockfic to date, 'What's the Worst That Could Happen?', so if you haven't read that yet, please go do so, as it will help this fic make more sense, and also because it's awesome and you'll surely love it deeply. /moreegostroke.
What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
A Naruto Time-Travel Mockfic With Lots of Unapologetic 4th Wall-Breaking
By Legendary Legacy
Standard Disclaimer: All characters and locations belong to Masashi Kishimoto. The tired clichés in this story are used by many, but he twist to it is mine.
Standard Mockfic Disclaimer: If you don't like the idea of me making fun of a (in my opinion) stupid or overused Naruto theme/plotline that you enjoy for whatever reason, then I suggest saving yourself some time and hitting the 'Back' button right now.
"I am so fucking BORED!"
Uzumaki Naruto grimaced. "Yeah. Who'd have thought that being the last human on the planet would manage to grow so dull after only fifty short years?"
"No kidding," the Kyubi sighed, either completely missing or just ignoring the dripping sarcasm in Naruto's voice. "Even watching you accidentally nuke whatever area we're in every time you sneeze has lost what luster it once had."
Naruto grumbled lightly, reclining back on the grassy ground with his head resting against his clasped hands. He stared up at the cloud-spotted sky, and began to reminisce.
Fifty years. Fifty years since the tragic accident he'd caused at the end of 'What's the Worst That Could Happen'. After reluctantly fusing his body together with the Kyubi and becoming The Living Ninja God, he'd unintentionally wiped out all of humanity after they'd shown up to watch his ascension ceremony as the first Mizu-Kaze-Rai-Tsuchi-Hokage.
Fifty long years of being the only person left on the planet, with nothing but the disembodied voice of the fox to keep him company. And he didn't know how much longer he could stand it. It was a shame that he was basically an immortal now: he still looked like a fourteen year old boy even after all this time. He'd tried killing himself out of boredom on a few occasions to no avail, and he couldn't even find a decent village to hang around in for long because the moment he lost control over his body the whole place would go up in smoke. Sneezing resulted in a nuclear chakra explosion going off, he couldn't belch or pass gas without nearby structures blowing over, and he couldn't hiccup without something around him being destroyed in a miniature earthquake.
All in all, existence just plain sucked, and all he could do these days was stare at the sun, wondering when it was going to explode and put him out of his misery.
"Well I'm sick of this shit," the Kyubi suddenly declared. "Let's go back."
Naruto snorted. "Go back to where? Everywhere I've been before is nothing but wasteland now, remember?"
"No," the fox's voice growled. "I mean, let's go back to when there were other humans around."
"Yeah, I mean, I know my original intention was to destroy Konoha and as many of you stupid mortals as possible, but I've learned something from this whole experience: Humans are very essential to the world and my own entertainment. And that if they were all dead, who would I have to kill? Besides which-"
"I hate to interrupt while you're trying to wax philosophy; but I'd like to point out that isolation has apparently taken its toll on your already diminished sanity."
"But it's done wonders for your vocabulary, huh?" the fox countered in a snarky tone. "And I'm perfectly sane. I'm just saying that I'm ready to use my awesome time-travel powers to go back to when there were other people around. It'll be quick and easy and we'll finally have something to do besides spending the rest of eternity arguing over whether or not I should have been portrayed in this story as the Kyubi from the original 'What's the Worst That Could Happen' ending who's been wanting to sex you up for the last fifty years instead of the evil one from the alternate ending who did things for shits and giggles and spoke in bold letters to signify a deep, malevolent tone of voice."
Getting no response, the Kyubi cleared its throat. "So what do you think?"
Naruto shook his head. "Sorry, I tuned you out after you said something about time-traveling."
"What, you don't think I can do it?"
"Not so much 'don't think you can', but more thinking that you probably weren't able to about two minutes ago."
Though Naruto couldn't see it, he could still envision a look of sour indignation appearing on the fox's face.
"Are you insinuating that I, the invincible Kyubi no Yoko, in some horrible twist of plot to rectify an unsolvable situation for the two of us, somehow used my nigh-unlimited powers to screw with the mechanics of the world around us in order to deus ex machinize a jutsu for myself that is not only incredibly convenient, but downright broken, sometime within the last couple of minutes?"
"I don't think I would have said it in so many words." Naruto told him.
"Then what would you have said?"
"I probably would have just said something like, 'Nice one, Sasuke', in a sarcastic kind of way."
"I'll have you know that I've known how to time-travel since before I got sealed inside of you! I used to do it all the time!"
"And you never once thought it wise to maybe...you know, use your awesome Time-Travel no Jutsu to go back in time to before you were sealed again and, I don't know...NOT let yourself get sealed?"
The fox was silent for a moment. "I...forgot that I knew the jutsu until just a few minutes ago. Now it's too late to do that. ...I couldn't do that because I wanted to stay and protect you. I mean...the seal wouldn't let me do it. Us fusing together wouldn't let me do it. ...I did do that. I'm currently razing the Elemental Countries to the ground and you're an insane little boy in an asylum who's convinced that an evil demon is talking to him in his head."
"...You know at this point, I'd almost be willing to accept that last one."
"Shut up. Are we going to do it, or not?"
"Why the hell not! What's the worst...I mean, what could possibly go wrong?"
"You know the last time you asked a question like that it led to the destruction of civilization, right?"
"Yeah well, what are the odds of something like that happening more than once?"
Naruto sighed. "Becoming more likely with every fate-tempting question that you ask."
"Don't be such a pussy! Come on, let's do it before we die of boredom!"
"I would rather live out eternity alone and miserable than go along with another one of your wonderful ideas."
"We could still-"
"Lalala, not listening, lalala!"
"You might grow fox ears and a tail if we do."
The fox mentally shrugged. "Sure...probably. Maybe. No. But we should still do it."
"So how is this supposed to work then, smartass?"
He felt the fox blink. "How do you mean?"
Naruto had finally given in to the Kyubi's insane plan. He hadn't wanted to, really he hadn't. It was a stupid idea that would no doubt lead to a huge load of trouble for him and could very well bring about dire consequences for not just the world, but the entire fabric of space and time itself.
And that was assuming that it actually worked to begin with.
But despite his misgivings, after an entire week of listening to the Kyubi whine and bitch and complain and plead endlessly with no way of shutting it up, he'd finally reached his limit.
It was still a stupid idea though; one that he could find no end of problems to.
"I mean: Let's say that you do somehow send us back in time to a point where we already existed. How does it work? And what happens when we get there? Does the Me from that time period just disappear, or would I have to be constantly avoiding him so he wouldn't notice me? Do I somehow merge together with the other Me? Would I keep all of the memories that I have of the last fifty years or would I lose them and just keep making the same mistakes over and over again in an unbreaking loop because I never realize that I've already done this before? Have I already done this before? Am I already trapped in one of those loops and just completely unaware of it? Are you aware of it? Perfectly aware that I've somehow gotten myself trapped in this time-loop while you just sit back and laugh at my misfortune? That's it, isn't it? Answer me, you prick!"
"Don't interrupt me! Anyway, would I just end up there as I am, leaving that timeline with two separate Uzumaki Naruto's who both have Kyubi's sealed inside them? Can you even fathom the paradox that something like that could create? If I threw off continuity in some way and the other Naruto died, what would happen to me? Would I just cease to exist? Will I become noticeably out of character for no real explained reason? Would you still be fused together with me or would we be back to normal as well? What if you sent me too far back to a time before I was born? Do I have to wait to be born again, or is there just a fourteen year old Naruto walking around in the world several years before he's even supposed to be born? What if I do lose my memories but keep you fused with me or something, and then one night I get drunk, unknowingly fall in love with the woman who would be my mom, get her pregnant and somehow become my own father? What happens then, huh?"
The fox was silent for a long time. "You done?"
"I have more, but they can wait."
The Kyubi sighed. "Well kid, rather than attempt to answer all of that, let me just say this: What I'm proposing to do is to take the Laws of Nature, Balance, Time, Space and Reason, and metaphorically line them up and tell them to bend over for me. Why the HELL are you trying to make something like that logical?"
Naruto hung his head. "And yet another nightmare I get to deal with tonight. Thank you."
"You're welcome. Now as to your original question of how the time-travel works, there are a few different ways that it can be done. The first would be to somehow get you into a state of very near-death; like, so close to death that there's no possible way that you'll ever survive even with my amazing healing factor. Then, when we're both about ready to bite it, I'll use my last ounce of strength to twist the workings of the universe and fling us back in time."
"...And then what? We die from our un-healable injuries?"
"Of course not! After going back in time your body will be completely restored, because logically, we wouldn't have received those injuries yet. Cuz we're in the past, you see."
"Ah, well that makes sense, in a contrived sort of way. Unfortunately, the matter becomes null when you remember that I'm immortal now, doesn't it?"
"Good point. I suppose I could always deus ex a way to make you not immortal for a short amount of time, but I'd rather not do something like that twice in one fic. At least not so soon after the last time."
"Why are we breaking the fourth wall so much in this story?" Naruto wondered, further breaking said wall in the process.
"I think it's something going along with the mockery theme that Legacy loves so much," the fox explained.
The blonde's eyebrow quirked. "How exactly can you mock the fourth wall?"
"Like this: 'Hey fourth wall, your mother was a pillar!'"
"..." Naruto ...'ed.
"It's a support-structure joke."
"I got that!"
"How about this one: Hey fourth wall, you're so transparent that if-"
"SHUT UP, DAMNIT!"
The Kyubi huffed. "Some people just don't appreciate good humor. Oh well, back to business: Since that first option is out, we'll have to try another way."
"Go on," Naruto urged begrudgingly.
"Unfortunately, the other way that I had thought up won't work either, because it requires Uchiha Sasuke to be here as well."
"He's a key factor. See, the two of you would need to reenact your battle at the Valley of the End, only this time, when your Kyubi-enhanced Rasengan collides with his Curse Seal-modified Chidori, the combined backlash of power and chakra will rip open a rift in time that you can fall through, sending you back into the past."
Naruto began muttering something in regards to opium. "Why don't I just create a Chidori in one hand and a Rasengan in the other and slam the two of them together myself without Sasuke's help?"
"Bad idea. For some reason it's really, really essential that you be at the Valley of the End with Sasuke for it to work pro-"
A ball of swirling chakra appeared in Naruto's right hand.
More chakra began crackling fiercely in his left hand.
"Oh hell," the fox muttered, plugging its ears with two of its tails.
As the light faded and the dust settled, Naruto slowly crawled out of the crater he'd just made, cussing up a storm so wild the Kyubi actually blushed at parts of it.
"Told ya," the demon commented idly.
"Shut. Up. Fox. Bastard." Naruto grimaced in discomfort as his hands finished regrowing.
"One would think that it might, maybe, possibly be a halfway smart idea to listen to advice when it's coming from someone who's totally done it before and knows what he's talking about instead of doing something stupid, like: the exact opposite of what that person might be suggesting they do or don't do. ...But that's just my opinion."
"You want my opinion on what you can do with your opinion?" Naruto growled.
"Not really," the Kyubi answered lightly. "Your opinions usually suck and have grown progressively more cynical the longer I've known you."
Naruto took several deep, calming breaths, wishing not for the first time that he could reach into his own stomach and just tear the furry son of a bitch out of him. But, he'd tried that before. It hadn't been pretty.
"So are those the only two ways we could have used to go back in time," he asked.
"Nah, there's lots of other ways," the Kyubi told him. "But they're all really, really silly."
"...You mean silly in comparison to the last two ways?"
"That makes me want to cry," the boy sighed with a shake of his head. "Well we'll have to use one of them or else this story isn't ever gonna go anywhere. What are some of the other methods?"
The fox thought for a few seconds. "Well, we could wait for a while until you're on your deathbed and use the 'If only I could have done things different' famous last words shtick-"
"Immortal," Naruto reminded him again.
"Ah, right. How about we find a villain for you to have a climactic final battle with, then you throw the fight, and when it seems there's no possible way to achieve victory-"
"I already killed all the villains fifty years ago, damnit! And then I killed everyone else shortly after that, so we wouldn't even be able to fake it with someone."
"Okay then, try clicking your heels together three times and repeating the phrase-"
The Kyubi huffed in frustration. "Alright then, why don't I just open a rift in time without even giving a half-assed attempt at trying to rationalize it? Just let everyone else try to fill in the plothole of how I did it on their own? Does that work for you?"
"You're telling me that was an option this entire time!"
"Well yeah, but...it's such a lame thing to do, and this whole world has so many plotholes as it is, ya know...?"
"You think that one more is going to make much difference at this point?" he asked, gesturing to the wasteland around them.
"I suppose not," the demon relented. "But if we're really going with the cheap cop-out route, I'm at least going to point out that there's a really, really small chance of something going wrong when we do it."
"Why would we want that?"
"We wouldn't. But the slight risk just makes it seem a little less cheap and might make people overlook the fact that I never actually explain how I use my time-traveling in the first place. That okay with you?"
"Whatever. Just get me back to a time where Ichiraku ramen and beautiful women still existed. Being a sixty-four year old virgin is something that I'm going to need to rectify real quick."
"Why Kit," the Kyubi purred, its voice suddenly taking on a very feminine tone. "If that was bothering you all this time, why didn't you just tell me?"
"We are NOT doing that shit again!"
"Hmph, you're no fun anymore, brat," the fox grumbled, voice back to normal. "It's not always about you, after all. I haven't gotten nookie in over sixty years either, you know? Don't know why; it's not like foxes are extinct yet-"
"OPEN THE RIFT, DAMNIT!"
"Thy will be done, Your Mightiness," the fox sneered.
For a moment, nothing happened.
Naruto blinked, and suddenly found himself in a completely new surrounding. He was kneeling down against a tree, staring out at one of Konoha's old training fields. Looking around, he found Sakura standing to his right, looking aggravated, and Sasuke sitting on his left, looking bored.
"Holy crap, it actually worked!" he shouted, causing Sasuke and Sakura to turn to him in a mixture of confusion and annoyance.
"What are you yelling about, Naruto?" Sakura demanded.
Naruto leapt to his feet, Sakura's question not even registering with him as he grabbed her hands in his. "Sakura-chan!" she shouted even louder, planting a kiss on her before she could physically respond. She began coughing and hacking as he turned his attention to Sasuke. "Sasuke! I'm so not kissing you, but it's even good to see you, too!"
Sasuke's eyebrow quirked. "We saw each other just yesterday," he tried to explain, though Naruto obviously wasn't listening, being too busy jumping around and doing cartwheels and such.
"This is awesome, I can't believe one of the fox's ideas actually turned out okay!"
Naruto blinked, suddenly finding himself no longer halfway through a cartwheel, but again kneeling down against a tree, staring out at one of Konoha's old training fields. Looking around, he found Sakura standing to his right, looking aggravated, and Sasuke sitting on his left, looking bored.
"The hell just happened?" he asked loudly, causing Sasuke and Sakura to turn to him in a mixture of confusion and annoyance.
"What are you yelling about, Naruto?" Sakura demanded.
Naruto scratched his head. "Uh...wasn't I just over there, prancing around and cheering and such?"
Sasuke's eyebrow quirked. "No, you idiot. You were sitting there, exactly like you are now, only you weren't being so annoying about it.
Naruto stood up, taking a few steps away from the others as he contemplated things. "Huh, maybe my mind just had to take a few seconds to catch up to my body from the time-travel or-"
Naruto blinked, suddenly finding himself again kneeling down against a tree, staring out at one of Konoha's old training fields. Looking around, he found Sakura standing to his right, looking aggravated, and Sasuke sitting on his left, looking bored.
Naruto's face twitched. "What the hell is going on, Fox!" he demanded, causing Sasuke and Sakura to turn to him in a mixture of confusion and annoyance.
"What are you yelling about, Naruto?" Sakura demanded. "...And did you just call me a fox?"
"Answer me, damnit!" he went on, not hearing her. "What did you do?"
"Well kid," the fox mind-spoke to him after a heavy sigh. "You know that really, really small risk of something going wrong with the time-traveling?"
Sasuke's eyebrow quirked. Naruto had obviously lost it.
"Well it just so happens that it happened," the fox concluded.
"Who'd have thought?" Naruto grumbled, ignorant to the looks he was receiving from his teammates at seemingly talking to himself. "So what is it?"
"Well, it appears that we've been caught in a time loop."
"Time loop!" Naruto bellowed, causing Sasuke and Sakura to repeat the same actions they've been repeating since showing up three repeats ago, and will continue to do so for every future repeat as well to prevent further copy-pasting and having to reread the same paragraph over and over again.
"Exactly," the Kyubi said with an unseen nod.
"Well isn't that just perfect? You know this is your fault for constantly tempting fate, right?"
Naruto grumbled. "Okay, so how much time do we have to work with?"
"Well, I don't have my stopwatch handy, but from what I can tell-"
"-I'd say about ten seconds."
"And what the hell am I supposed to be able to accomplish in ten frickin' seconds!"
The fox shrugged. "I'm sure you'll think of something. Why not just take some time and enjoy it?"
Naruto leaned his head against the tree to think. After a moment, he turned and slugged Sasuke in the face. "That's for putting your hand through my chest, you bastard!"
Sasuke lay dazed as Sakura flew into a rage, rearing back to deck the blonde.
Naruto looked to the left, then the right. Both teammates were again reset, unsuspecting.
One, two, three, four, five.
He reached out and gave Sakura's butt a firm smack. She let out a shriek of surprise, then looked at him, aghast.
"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that. Now seemed an appropriate time, though that might be the Out of Character-ness kicking in."
Recovering from her shock, Sakura reared back to deck him.
Without wasting a moment, Naruto stood up and Shunshined away, reappearing in the brush on the other side of the field where Kakashi sat, his nose buried in his favorite orange book. Naruto effortlessly snatched it away. Before the jounin could stop him, Naruto tore it to shreds.
"Get a girlfriend!" he yelled. "And stop making us wait so damn long all the time!" And he Shunshined back to the waiting spot while Kakashi stared at the remains of his reading material.
"My...porn," he whimpered. Then he raised his fists to the sky and let out an anguished, "NOOOOOOOOO-"
Approximately eighty-five Repeats later...
"Okay seriously, fox, have you figured out a way to end this yet? It got boring about eighty repeats ago."
"I'm working on it, damnit!"
"Well, hurry up or I'm never going to get back into character! And I'm sick of seeing these two go through the exact same motions every time I do anything!"
"You're just going to have to try doing something you haven't tried before."
"Like what? I've already been way Out of Character. I've been as In Character as possible, I've tracked down Orochimaru and mangled him so badly that he'll-"
"-have to piss sideways from now on-"
Sasuke and Sakura decided to break their loop pattern and leave completely this time.
"-I've tried helping people, I've tried killing people, I've tried sleeping with people...none of which is any easy task when you only have ten seconds, might I add-"
"Okay, okay! I think I have a plan!" the fox finally cut in.
"I think maybe that if I just reused my Time-Travel Jutsu and sent us to a time BEFORE the time loop effect started, we should be able to escape it, hopefully without getting trapped in another one again afterward."
"I have a snappy retort for that in mind, but I just want to get this damn thing over with, so let's do it!"
"Alright, but I should probably warn you-"
"NO MORE WARNINGS, DAMNIT! JUST DO IT!"
"...Time-travel makes you a dick, you know that?"
Naruto would have yelled more, but the world was beginning to spin out of focus.
When the world stopped spinning, Naruto was left staring up at the sky, trying to get his eyes to focus. "Are we out of the loop?" he asked.
"I don't know." the fox answered.
"Well, thank God, for that, at least. Now, when exactly are we?"
When he was finally able to sit up, he instantly noticed something didn't seem quite right.
"Does everything seem a little less...animated, than it was before?" he wondered aloud.
"Kinda," the Kyubi agreed. "Almost as if we weren't-"
A man chose that moment to walk by, stopping and then double-taking at Naruto in shock.
"Wow," the man gasped. "You look just like this character that a friend of mine is drawing for a new manga."
Naruto gave him a hard stare. "...Manga?"
"Yeah, it's being published in a couple weeks. I think it'll be really popular," the man explained. "It's about a world full of shinobi and the main character has a demon sealed inside of him which makes everyone hate him, but he ends up-"
"YOU DUMBASS FOX!" Naruto bellowed, scaring the hell out of the man. "You sent us so far back in time that our own universe hasn't been created yet!"
"Get off my ass, brat," the fox grumbled. "You act like I do this sort of thing all the time."
"You told me you did this sort of thing all the time!"
"Now you're acting like I've never lied to you before."
"Yeah, yeah, I'll try. But I'll warn you, dimension-hopping isn't exactly my forte."
"Of course it's not! Your forte is continuously finding ways to fuck up my life!"
"...You know what, screw it. You've been making cynical and snide remarks and been in a downright pissy mood ever since this story started. All I've been trying to do is help you out a little, but if this is how you're going to act in return, then you can just figure out a way back on your own."
"Oh, don't go emo on me now, fox. You're a demon, for God's sake!"
"Demons have feelings too, you know? And this demon here knows when he'd not wanted, so from here on out, you're on your own, pal."
Naruto shook his head and slowly rubbed at his temples. If he weren't so damned invincible he'd probably be suffering a migraine right now. "Fine, you know what? I will do it on my own. And I already know exactly how I'm going to fix all this."
As he began stalking away, he suddenly paused, then pivoted and walked straight up to the man who had spoken to him a minute ago. "You say you know the guy who made our universe?"
The man slowly nodded, wondering if he was drunk or something. He glanced at his watch. 12:30 PM. That wasn't it then; he never drank over his lunch break.
"Well the next time you see him," Naruto continued. "Tell him something for me."
"Nobody likes Sasuke."
The man blinked. "Beg your pardon?"
"Uchiha Sasuke. Everyone hates him. He's by far the worst person in our entire universe. He's boring and he goes from having a bad personality to having no personality at all and he's stealing everyone else's spotlight and everyone would be much better off if he never existed! Tell him that."
Before the man could ask anything else, Naruto Shunshin'ed away, leaving him to ponder what he'd been told.
"They don't like Sasuke? Well, that's not good; Sasuke is supposed to be a really important character. It would probably screw everything up if he got taken out." He rubbed his chin, trying to decide what he should do, when an idea came to him and he snapped his fingers. "I know! I'll just suggest that he give Sasuke some cool new power-ups to make him more interesting! That'll make everyone like him for sure!"
"Something wrong?" the Kyubi asked.
Naruto frowned, shaking his head slowly. "For some reason, I feel like I just did something incredibly stupid."
Some number of years later...
Naruto walked through the insignificant-looking apartment building, stopping before the door marked Number 2 and knocking on it sharply. After a few drawn out seconds, the door opened, revealing a tall, unassuming guy with long, untamed hair and glasses.
The man stared Naruto up and down a few times. "Not bad," he said finally. "Very realistic, but if you're looking for the convention, it's in the next town over."
Naruto calmly punched him in the face and stepped over his crumpled body into the room. Glancing around the room, he spotted a computer in the corner of the room, and quickly sat himself down, pleased to find that it was already logged in to.
"So...assault, entering a home without permission, invasion of privacy and accessing someone's personal data," the Kyubi commented lightly. "Sounds a bit silly coming from me, but you're turning into quite the asshole, aren't you?"
"Shut up," Naruto commanded, scanning through the Recent Files folder. "It's for a good cause." Finding the file he was looking for and opening it, he scrolled to the bottom, highlighted a small portion of it, and hit the Delete key. He cracked his knuckles. "Now then..."
Naruto sighed in pure contentment, lazing about the office, HIS office, on a giant plush couch with his head in Hinata's lap, while she eagerly fed him grapes. At the ends of the couch, Ino and Tenten, dressed in sheer togas, were fanning him with palm leaves.
He laughed to himself, remembering back to when his life had taken this wonderful turn. He was the world's first and only Mizu-Kaze-Rai-Tsuchi-Hokage, loved by the world and everyone in it, he was the most powerful shinobi in all history, he had an ever-increasing harem of beautiful, insatiable women, and he had the next million years or so to enjoy it all.
And to think, if he hadn't taken those extra couple of weeks to make absolutely certain that he had gained full control over his awesome power, it might never have come to this. Hell, he might have done something horrible like blowing up the country and wiping out the human race, or something.
Good thing that hadn't been the case. That would have sucked.
"Mizu-Kaze-Rai-Tsuchi-Hokage-sama!" Sakura, also clad in a see-thru toga, entered the room with a clipboard in her hand. "I have your day all planned out, Sir."
Naruto sighed; work, work, work. "Alright, what's on the agenda, Sakura-chan?"
She began reading over the papers on the board. "Well, at one o' clock you have a threesome with Anko and Kurenai, then there's a crowd scheduled to show up at two-thirty who wish to bask in your glory. At three o' clock you have a five-way with the female representatives of Suna, Iwa, Kiri, and Kumo as a sign of good faith on the newly established world treaty. Tsunade-sama also says that she's invented a new jutsu that she believes you don't know yet, so you can go learn that from her whenever you have time. And finally, Ichiraku-san has informed me that your new ramen spa is complete and, as per your wishes, Ayame-chan will be waiting in it for you at five."
Naruto sat up, making Hinata pout, and gave Sakura a reproachful look. "Sakura-chan, we've been over this before: I know Kage Bunshin. You could have just scheduled all of those things at once and saved me a lot of time."
Sakura tried to look apologetic, and failed miserably. "I'm sorry, Sir. I wasn't thinking." She didn't sound too apologetic, either.
"I'm afraid 'sorry' isn't good enough this time, Sakura-chan," he told her, patting his knee in indication.
As Sakura positioned herself for her punishment, Naruto could only think about just how much life didn't suck.
The Kyubi alternated thinking partly about never getting any time alone with her Kit, and partly how he had actually played a role in this horrible cop-out excuse for an ending.
And in the real world, Legendary Legacy sat at his computer, silently agreeing with the Kyubi.
About the cop-out, not spending time with Naruto.
Nevertheless, he clicked 'Save' and then went to get some ice for his jaw.
Well, I hope that was worth a few giggles at least. I wish I could offer more to you all, but I've literally not had the time to write a damn thing in the last month, so I hope this will hold you over until that no longer becomes an issue for me.
Until then, have a nice day/week/month/season/etc.