The first in a series of one and two shots:

Edward prepares to step into the sun, in Italy. Bella runs like a rabid dog towards him, screaming 'NOO EDIPOOP!' All of sudden the Volturi appear and get all mad. Cause under no circumstances may anyone glitter on their shift, oh no. The Volturi pull Edward back into the shadows and Bella bashes into him. Edward stares at Bella for a while before…

Edward: Ahem… ahh… shouldn't you be…ah… deceased?

Bella: Why, is that what you want?

Edward: Um… no… but… you, Alice, Rosalie. ..Jump, smash, crumple, big wave rock die Bella?

Bella: I didn't die Edward. I jumped for you!

Edward: You are so weird. You threw yourself off a cliff just because I left you?

Bella: No, you don't *sniffle* understand.

Edward: No?

Bella: No. I threw myself off a cliff because, so, so that I could be with you!

Edward: Um… did you think I was having a refreshing swim in the bone breaking waves?

Bella: No, no. Silly Edward. I wanted to be with you. The you in my head.

Edward: Okay… let me get this straight. You threw yourself off a cliff so that your schizoid brain could imagine me?

Bella: Now you understand.

Edward: I know why you did it, but I ain't even close to understanding. See, when I miss someone, I call them, I don't hallucinate.

Bella: How was I supposed to call you? I didn't know where you were!

Edward: I was under someone's floorboards eating rats. Besides, haven't you ever heard of the phone book?

Bella: What?

Edward: *pulls out a phone book* let's see… Cullen… Cullen. There we go. Edward Cullen. * Using Bella's phone he punches in the number listed and his mobile rings from his pocket.*

Bella: Oh… interesting. I guess I could have thought of that. Maybe?

Edward: Or you could have just looked at my pictures; that could have comforted you.

Bella: But you ripped them out of the album!

Edward: Bella, they were under your floorboards the whole time.

Bella: In the back of my mind I guess I kind of knew that.

Edward: BS woman, you did not.

Bella: Yes, yes I did.

Edward: You are so delusional.

Bella: Why did you leave them there, anyway?

Edward: Well, I was kind of hoping…

Bella: Yes, my sparklepire?

Edward: I was hoping that one day you would find them and it might… break your heart all over again?

Bella: Really?

Edward: No… but that's the only thing that could have resulted… I didn't have a garbage bag and the floorboards were just asking to be ripped up, have broken memories in the form of ink stained paper set under them, and repaired.

Bella: You know, I get that urge a lot, too.

Edward: No wonder we are in wuv!

Volturi Guardpires: Down the manhole.

Bella: Seriously? You want me to go into the disgusting sewers?

Volturi Guardpires: Did she? *they stare at each other* Did she just dis our home?

Edward: No, dudes, she was just kidding. Right *he nudges her* Bella?

Bella: Oh, right, yeah. I mean, I…I totally just love the… stale urine smell.

Guardpire 1: Why thankyou. I made it myself.

And all of a sudden, Jane appears. Out of the sewers.

Bella: Psht, what's up with the six year old?

Edward: Bella, I wouldn't…

Jane: Why thankyou, human child, I do use Olay. Olay spf 30. Now follow me, to HQ.

The group is led to a chamber place. Where a bunch of old wrinkly vampdudes are hanging, bro.

Edward: Bella, meet the Volturi masters.

To be continue....

Thankyou for reading, please review.

I dedicate this to Matthew, because he asked for it. And as an apology for losing Caitlin's helium balloon... because it was asking for it.