It was a dark and stormy night, somewhat cliche, but appropriate for these sorts of occasions. The rain came down in a torrent, soaking the grass and causing the dirt below to become a thick, mushy substance. The intruder's shoes were becoming caked with dirt, but she didn't care… they were artificial anyway. Her purple hair was getting soaked, everything on her body was getting soaked… she wanted to get off this accursed planet as soon as she possibly could.
She walked up to the door of her intended target and knocked three times, somewhat loudly in order to be heard over the thunder and the pounding rain. She could hear footsteps coming… and a couple of seconds later, the door opened, revealing a big-headed boy with a thick pair of glasses over his eyes. He knew exactly who his visitor was on this late evening… and she knew that he knew.
"You have my ship."
Tak's voice was calmer than normal, but still deadly serious. Dib didn't react immediately, taking a moment to think about what the girl standing at his doorstep had just told him.
"Did you hear me?" Tak repeated, clenching her fist. "I said, you-"
Tak suddenly felt an incredible shock surging through her body. She let out a gasp, her body reacting as if she'd been drenched with a bucket of soda. She fell to her knees, and sensed her body growing completely numb.
"And now I have you, alien," Dib said, holding a taser. A victorious smirk was on his face as Tak blacked out.
Tak awoke to the sensation of leather shackles on all four of her limbs, and the hard metal of a table against her back. She could see that her hologram was still active, keeping her in her human appearance, though it wouldn't do her much good considering the person who now apparently held her captive already knew she was an alien. She was lying on a table in the middle of a small, well-lit room, and could see various computer consoles and mechanical devices around her.
"Captured so easily? This is quite a dilemma… I'll just…" Tak began tugging at the shackles, but there was very little give, each of them connected to the table by a small but very strong metal chain link. "Ohhhhh!"
Tak began to let out an Irken swear, but a piece of duct tape held her lips closed, reducing her cry to a single "mmmmmmm!".
"What? Some kind of sticky thing is sealing my lips! Mmmmmmm! Mmmm mmph! Mmmmmm! Mmmmmmmm…!" Tak worked her lips under the tape, but it held fast. "Grrrrrrrmmmmmph mmmmm! Mmmmmmmm! The Earthling must've cultivated a piece of artificial skin to place over my mouth! Quite clever, but… I will break it and then I'll reclaim my ship!"
Tak could hear the Earthling coming, and her eyes drifted up as much as they could, trying to get a glimpse of the doorway behind her. She could make out a figure coming toward her. It was Dib, holding a small black box in his hand. The box had a screen on the front of it and several buttons, and Tak could tell that it was some kind of scanner, which he ran back and forth over her body a couple of times.
"My readings are telling me that you're not strong enough to break free from the table," said Dib, giving Tak a warning look. "So you'd better not try."
Tak just rolled her eyes, watching Dib as he came back around and stood beside the table, looking down at her.
"I don't want to hurt you, but I'll do what I must to protect my planet."
"I no longer want your worthless planet, I want my ship back!" thought Tak, trying to indicate with her eyes that she wanted whatever was covering her mouth removed. "If you'd take this thing off my lips I could tell you that!"
"I don't think so," said Dib. "I'm not letting you talk me into letting you go, especially not after last time. You nearly sucked the Earth's core dry with that machine of yours! So, what are you planning this time? Hmmm… maybe it would be easier to do this if you weren't gagged… or I could invent some kind of translation device… but if I could understand what you were saying, you'd STILL be able to talk me into letting you go! I'll just have to limit myself to yes or no questions…"
As Dib was talking to himself about the next course of action to take, Tak rolled her eyes and began struggling again.
"Okay, Tak! I'm going to ask you a question and if the answer is yes, you nod your head. If the answer is no, you shake your head. First question! Are you planning to destroy the Earth by turning the oceans into liquid cheese?!"
Tak didn't react at all to Dib's question.
"What is it, alien? Either nod or shake your head! Are you planning to destroy the Earth by turning the oceans into liquid cheese?!"
"I'll humor him," Tak thought, smiling under the tape. She gave a slow nod.
"A-HA!" Dib shouted, pointing at Tak. "I knew it! I knew that's what you were up to! Well, now you're not going to be able to do it, because I caught you in the act! I caught you and saved the world! And all the world will know that I, Dib, stopped the world's oceans from being converted to liquid cheese! Me! Savior of the planet!"
Dib stopped talking and let out a sigh. His eyes drooped, and he looked down at Tak again.
"…the thing I want to know is… why? I know you're a filthy alien, but you seemed so nice at first, not like that psychopath Zim. I mean, I almost let myself fall for you. We could've… you know, hung out together. We could've stopped Zim together."
Tak looked into Dib's eyes. Her expression softened, and for a brief moment, Dib thought he could see regret in his captive's face.
"Mmmm…mmmph…" Tak began to chuckle, and then she launched into the loudest series of laughs Dib had ever heard. "MMMMMMMM MMMM MMMMMPH! MMMHMHMMHMHMHMHMHMMM! MMMM! MMMHMHMHHHMMMMHMHMHMHMMMM! MMMMMM!!!"
Tak was laughing so loud that her body was lurching forward against her shackles. Her stomach was heaving up and down and her mouth was contorting in all sorts of ways under the tape.
"MMMMMHMHMHMHHMHHHMMMM! MMMMM! MMMHMHMHMHMHMHMMM!!!"
"It's not… that funny," Dib replied, his shoulders slumping.
"HMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHM! MMMMMM!!!!! MMMMMMM! MHMHMHMHMHMHMHMMMM…. Mmmmmmmmmm… mmmphh…mmmm…."
Tak took a few moments to regain her breath, then looked up at Dib and chuckled some more.
"Oh, would it have been THAT easy? Spend a few moments flirting with you and then used your hatred for Zim to eliminate him? Oh, my fifty years in exile have made me so very dull… ah, thank you for the laugh, Earthling."
Dib could see a look of contempt and mocking in Tak's eyes, and it made him furious. He clenched his fists and shook with rage, which only made Tak start laughing even more.
"You think this is a JOKE? You think you can laugh at me, when you're the one strapped to a table? Okay, that does it… alien autopsy time!"
Dib picked up a scalpel and advanced on Tak, who just raised her eyebrow at him, not showing even a hint of fear. He stood over Tak for several seconds, looking over her and thinking about where to cut first. He lowered his hand, let out a sigh, and tossed away the scalpel.
"I can't do it," said Dib. "And it's not because I feel sorry for you, and it's not because I still have a tiny crush on you, it's because my dad would do a lot better job! I'm gonna go get him and then we'll have a father-son alien autopsy and it'll be a great bonding experience and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
Gaz was standing behind Dib, zapping him repeatedly with his own taser. Dib fell to the ground convulsing violently and drooling. Gaz zapped him again.
"Is my brother bothering you?" Gaz asked. Tak slowly nodded her head. "Eh, either way I was gonna shock him again."
Gaz shocked Dib several more times. After the ninth shock, he screamed "PLEASE, NO MORE! NO MORE!!!" to which Gaz replied by shocking him four more times. Once Dib was a shaking, smoking heap on the floor, Gaz turned back to Tak.
"I remember you. You're the girl who tried to destroy the planet. I had to kiss some dumb dog because of you."
Before Tak could respond, Gaz began shocking her repeatedly.
"MMMMMMMMMM! MMMMM! MMMMMMMMMMM! MMMM MMMMMPH!!!"
Gaz shocked Tak six times, then she shocked Dib again. She alternated between shocking Tak and Dib for a while, then let out a yawn.
"I'm bored," Gaz said, before shocking Tak once more. This was sufficient to render the captive Irken unconscious.
An hour later, a tightly bound Tak was tossed into the cockpit of her ship. She'd had several strips of duct tape placed over her mouth as well, and was going back and forth between her Irken and human forms as her sparking hologram generator was placed in the ship with her.
"And don't come back unless you're bringing me some cool video games," said Gaz, setting the ship's autopilot to a planet nine billion light years from Earth. "See you whenever."
Tak's eyes widened and she let out a muffled scream as her ship blasted off to parts unknown. Gaz was already headed back toward the house, an angry look on her face.
"Mmmmgggg… mmmmmmk…" Tak had managed to extricate one of her arms from the tape and was shaking as she reached over to her control console. After pressing a series of buttons, she'd managed to retake control of her ship. She let out an exhausted sigh and leaned back into her seat as her ship began slowly drifting through space. "Earth may be worthless, but… the three people I hate most in the entire universe live there… and I will not rest… until that pathetic planet is destroyed!"
Tak used her free arm to grab her ship's steering stick. She executed a 180 turn and was soon zooming back toward Earth, her eyes narrowed in rage.
"Revenge will be mine!" thought Tak. "MMMMHMHMHMHMHMHMHM! MHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHM! MHMHMHMHMHMHM…."
Tak ripped the tape from her mouth.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"
THE END… ?